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Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 3

Hogwarts Exposed: Hooch: om nom nom
It occurs to me that Hogwarts Exposed is rather aptly named. Not simply because of the ever-present nudity, but the first two chapters were mostly exposition. This continues.

"Hermione, please have a chair. I asked you to stop in because I wanted to have a discussion with you about one our new first years."
Hermione had been edgy as to what Severus had wanted to speak to her regarding and was relieved to hear it was something associated with her new position.
Snape continued, "Her name is Caitlin Garrison. She was twelve yesterday.


"Yesterday" being the 30th August. As she turned twelve before the 1st September, how come she's not already at Hogwarts?

The girl came very close to not ever celebrating her birthday or attending Hogwarts. While she was at summer camp in July she was attacked and sexually abused."

I'm not saying issues like this can't be handled well in fiction, even fanfic. When it's quite transparently intended to make us feel sorry for Mary Sue, and presented in the generally sleazy and prurient tone of this fic, that's another matter.

"Unfortunately it gets worse," Severus continued.

Of course it does.

"The attacker, in order to avoid being identified, tied the naked girl to a tree and left her to die of starvation and exposure or be killed by wild animals."

Killed by wild animals in Britain? What, did they expect her to be gnawed to death by a rabbit? I know this is the Potterverse and they could have been talking about dragons or werewolves or whatever, but even so.

Hermione shook her head, a look of anguish on her face.
[...]
Severus looked at Hermione. His eyes were moist.
[...]
Hermione was gnashing her teeth to think such an individual would not suffer for what they had done to that unfortunate child.
[...]
Professor Snape just shook his head in anger and repulsion.
[...]
Hermione wiped her hands across her face as if trying to wipe away the mental picture of what that young girl had gone through.


This overlong sequence of reaction shots reads like the tragic equivalent of a laugh track. The author is desperately trying to sell us the horror of what's happened to this character we don't even know yet. The whole thing comes across as a ham-fisted way of ensuring that we boo accordingly at the perpetrator as they carry forth the villain ball. It gets even worse when fridge logic kicks in and we realise that, this being the Potterverse, there's a sure-fire cure for her trauma. And this being a corrupt version of the Potterverse, logically she'd already have been Obliviated as soon as the Ministry got wind of what happened so she couldn't testify.

The headmaster sighed, "Physically she is satisfactory and should be capable of conceiving and giving birth when the time comes for such things, but she is definitely scared mentally. As to what we can do to help, I'd suggest we both testify against the attacker."

That's an impressively long and eloquent sigh.

"Huh, why? We weren't there?' Hermione asked confused.
"No, we weren't but,..." Severus paused knowing that this would be a difficult subject. "Hermione, it was Madam Hooch."

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over.

"Madam Hooch? Are you saying Madam Hooch did such a horrifying thing?" Hermione stared at Severus in astonishment.
"I'm not saying it," responded Severus. "Caitlin is, but after what that fiend did to you, I can categorically believe Hooch competent of such an act."


So Hermione hates Hooch because she ate her nipple. That's a sentence I never thought I'd type and I hope I never have to again. How the hell does she still have a job? I know the Ministry is not only corrupt but led by someone called "Emma Wrong", but connections surely only go so far.

"I can't do that Severus," Hermione was quick to counter. "It's not the trial or the publicity. Although I'm sure the press would have a field day with me. It's facing that girl and her parents. None of this would have happened if I had listened to you and gone to McGonagall."

That's a point. Where is Professor McGonagall in this fic?

Hermione heard everything that the her headmaster and friend was saying to her, but as soon as she had heard about that poor girl's ordeal, her mind had started to replay in graphic clarity the events she had tried so hard to put behind her.


We were introduced to the Pensieve in Goblet of Fire, but it wasn't until Order of the Phoenix that we saw that it could be used to sequester unwanted memories rather than just examine them. Accordingly, it wouldn't be entirely fair to ask why she doesn't do that.

It started on her first day at Hogwarts as a teacher. No matter how much she told her no, Madam Hooch wouldn't acknowledge Hermione's feelings. On every opportunity that presented itself, she insisted that she could pleasure her better that any man alive.

That any man alive what?

One evening during her first year as a teacher Hermione had retired early to her quarters. She had slipped off all her clothing


New drinking game: one every time someone gets their kit off.

The older woman immediately began pleading. "Hermione, please! Please give me a chance to show you how much I love you. Please! Just spend one night with me. No one will know. I'll do anything that you ask. If you still want to go back to" them" afterwards, I won't bother you ever again. Please at least give me one chance!" Madam Hooch actually had tears in her eyes.

She's got connections in the Ministry and TVTropes tells me she actually works for Emma Wrong herself, but what use is she exactly when she can't control her urges to this extent?

Madam Hooch, frantic not to lose the woman she loved, just as quickly reached out and grabbed at Hermione's robes and in doing so simultaneously ripped the robes open

\~/

Anyway, the ensuing hijinks lead to a call-back to the previous flashback, showing us just why she's running naked through the school.

Monday, September 1, 2003 4:00 PM
Hermione Granger stood at the window watching the sunset and waiting for the carriages to come up the road from the Hogsmeade train station.


4 pm is nowhere near sunset on the 1st September in Scotland. I didn't need to look it up to tell you that, but for the record it's later than 8:08 pm because Hogwarts is further north and west than Edinburgh.

This year she was unable to get into the celebratory spirit of the day; Her mind was preoccupied with making a choice. A choice she had to give Severus this evening at dinner. She had struggled since after lunch yesterday and was no closer to solving her dilemma.
She hadn't heard Harry approaching her until he spoke. "May I please speak with you?"
Her response was sharp and biting. "Now is not a good time Harry. I have a tough decision to make. I'm sure Ginny would love to talk to you."


Meow!

" Hermione, I'm so sorry. I've been a fool and an idiot. A friendship like the three of us shared is incredible. Most people will never experience it in their entire life and I walked away from it. I tossed it aside like it was insignificant when in actuality it meant more to me than life itself. I blamed myself for the death of your parents, but instead of beseeching you to forgive me; I ran away like a coward because I didn't have the backbone to face you. I've learned you can't run away from your mistakes. Doing that only compounds them."


Harry is a lot more eloquent in this fic than he is in canon.

Hermione had listened without saying a word. He had hurt her when he left. No one had ever hurt her to such a great extent, not even Ron when he had shagged all those girls.


The effect of this sudden shift in lexical register is jarring, kind of like a misplaced gear change. This can be done to good effect, but I'm not sure about here. Anyway they're reconciled very quickly, if wordily.

After a few minutes of hugging Hermione looked at Harry and said, "Of course you do realize that if you ever leave like that again I will send the wolfhounds after you and hex you to within a inch of your life"
Harry looked down into her face and said, "If I'm ever that stupid again I deserve the worst hex you can conger."


I guess being attacked by a giant eel is a pretty bad hex.

Monday, September 1, 2003 4:00 PM
Monday, September 1, 2002 5:00 PM


The latter is a typo, which confused me on first reading. I was wondering not only why Harry was there a year earlier when they'd only just reunited, but how the same date in two consecutive years could possibly be the same day of the week.

As the carriages arrived and the students spilled out, more and more reunions took place. Suddenly Hermione pointed at a group of three students that had just exited their carriage and were now walking across the grounds toward the castle steps arm in arm.
"Does that remind you of anyone Harry?"


Generation Xerox!

Harry wondered to himself exactly what Hermione had done to Snape that she was now asking forgiveness for. She hadn't been involved with the headmaster had she? When Harry had hugged Hermione he had wanted so much to kiss her, but knew she didn't think of him in that way. He would have to settle for friendship, but at least he was back in her life.
As they silently walked the distance to the Great Hall, Harry turned his head slightly to look at Hermione. His smile grew even larger as he saw her grinning back at him. Gazing at her, his mind filled with thoughts. I love you. I've always loved you. If only there wasn't someone else in your life. I'll always be here for you. I'll always be your friend, but I want to be so much more. If only you loved me as much as I love you.
Hermione couldn't help herself from smiling. She had thought him lost forever, but now as she looked deep into his green eyes, she made a number of promises to herself, not knowing that Harry had been thinking much the same thing at the same time.
When they entered the Great Hall through the door behind their table they realized they were the last professors to arrive. The only chairs empty at the teacher's table were one next to Headmaster Snape and one between Professor Sprout and Ginny Weasley. The returning students were beginning to filter into the Hall.


Much as it pains me to say anything good about this fic, this is actually an effective use of a shifting viewpoint within a scene. Put this next to a scene from Deserving (absolutely any scene from Deserving will do; the problem is endemic) and you can see the difference. Here the author begins a new paragraph whenever the viewpoint shifts, never in the middle of a sentence, and there's a sound dramatic reason to do it as we see the thoughts of two reunited and reconciled friends.

Professor Charlie Weasley knocked three times on the castle door. The door swung open at once. A beautiful witch in emerald -green robes stood there. Although she tried to look stern, there was something about her that looked very kind and loving.
"I would like to present the first years, Professor Granger," said Charlie.
"Thank you Professor Weasley. I will take them from here."


What follows is pretty much a copy and paste of the receiving hall scene from Philosopher's Stone, with Hermione instead of McGonagall.

After she had gone the nervous students theorized on what the ceremony would be like and into which house they would be sorted, but mostly they talked about Professor Granger. "She seems quite nice," one girl commented.
One of the boys spoke up. "I thought the female teachers would be old hags. She's beautiful enough to be in Playwizard magazine."
The shocked girl next to him responded, "Do you know who that is? That is 'the' Hermione Granger. She is the smartest witch alive and one third of the Covenant that defeated Lord Voldemort. She would never pose nude for one of those smut magazines."


Way to tempt fate there, nameless eleven-year-old girl who talks like an adult for some reason.

Jamie Zacherley sat at the Gryffindor table listening intently as the hat sang its song. Jamie loved The Sorting Ceremony. She was always excited to see who would be sorted into her house. Jamie was starting her fifth year at Hogwarts and had been selected to be a house prefect. The boys' prefect was her best friend Alex Ward, who was seated to her right. On her left was, her other great friend, Amanda Pierce. These three had been inseparable since first year. Rarely was one seen without the other two being close at hand.


At long last, meet our first Sue and her sidekicks. We're not actually told this, but it's heavily implied that they're the trio Hermione pointed out to Harry.

Then it seemed to Jamie that Professor Granger's voice trembled as she announced the next name, "Garrison, Caitlin."
A petit little blonde girl hesitantly walked toward the stool. She had no more than touched the hat to her head when it shouted, "GRYFFINDOR."

I've often found myself agreeing with the fanficranters on people misusing "petite" to refer to males, but this is the first time I've seen the opposite. Anyway, here's Sue number two.

Hermione had been watching Caitlin approach the Gryffindor table. A feeling of guilt tugged at her stomach and she wiped away a tear that came to her eye. That's it Jamie. Look out for her. She needs a special friend.

For some reason, I get another sense of foreboding here.

Hermione was being introduced as the new Transfiguration Professor to a roomful of students that except for the first years had been her classmates the previous year. Would they accept her as a teacher? Then there was her newfound celebrity status. Since Harry, Ron and her had defeated Voldemort in June it didn't seem a day had gone by that their pictures weren't in the Daily Profit.

In the what now?

Just as it looked like the world was going to let her go back to a semi normal life; Playwizard magazine made public the information that they had approached her to appear in their publication. Despite the fact she immediately turned them down, polls had appeared on the Wizard net.


I'm curious as to what form the "wizard net" takes. I'm sure some of the more worldbuilding-oriented fanficcers have explored the possibility of a wizarding version of the internet: anyone got any recs?

The polls had indicted that the majority of the Wizard World wanted to see her naked.


Of course they did. This is Hogwarts Exposed, where absolutely everyone is a raging pervert. I'm curious as to why here and only here the author decides that "wizard world" needs to be capitalised.

Professor Malfoy will be your new Potions Master.
The applause this time instead of being mixed with wolf whistles was interspersed with oohs and ahhs from the females and you could hear many comments about Draco's looks.


"That's a nice pair of leather pants!" I'm not sure the generic you really fits here.

"And lastly," Snape said, "I would like to introduce the new instructor of Defense Against the Dark Arts. He has little experience in this field, but I'm sure he will try his best." Snape smiled as he alluded to Harry. "Professor Harry Potter."

And there's much rejoicing, as you'd expect, but it's not all good because:

Jamie wasn't applauding. She was crying. Her head was buried in Amanda's shoulder and Alex had his arm around her shoulder. Between the sobs she muttered. "It's him! I can't believe it's him! I still cringe when I think about that night. What if...? Now he's my Professor."

He didn't. I hate this fic.

Continued...

Comments

( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
tenkai_kujaku
Apr. 17th, 2011 09:01 pm (UTC)
Right...all we need are the usual fanfic inserts. Draco/Harry moments (either fights or sex, whatever floats their boat) the Golden Trio reunite to fight Emma Wrong, throwing all their past behind them as they realise that their friendship is worth so much more, and Snape makes out with Hermione. And Harry. And Draco. And Lucius. (like that, all the bases are covered...)
szaleniec1000
Apr. 17th, 2011 10:59 pm (UTC)
I think there's at least some of that. The "Trio reunite to fight Wrong" bit is being foreshadowed with all the subtlety of a tank division, and with Hogwarts Exposed "X and Y will shag or almost so" is generally the way to bet regardless of who X and Y are.
zelda_queen
Apr. 17th, 2011 11:31 pm (UTC)
I love how Snape is talking about how a girl was raped and the first thing he does is assure Hermione that yes, Caitlin can still have babies. Because that's all that matters to a woman.

And I doubt a "wizarding net" could work, seeing as we're told that there's too much magic around Hogwarts for things like computers to work. I suppose one could argue that we aren't told what other places have technological difficulties, but I'm sure most urban wizarding areas would have that problem.
szaleniec1000
Apr. 17th, 2011 11:59 pm (UTC)
It's like an onion of bad taste, isn't it? You pull back one layer and there's another under it.

Regarding the wizard net: The Dresden Files books have a system for distributing information inspired by the internet but non-technological in nature, because in that universe magic interferes with technology much as it does in the Potterverse. With it being urban fantasy with far more emphasis on the "urban" than Harry Potter, the interaction between magic and technology is explored in more depth. We see how Harry Dresden has to drive an ancient car and live in a flat with no electrical devices, for example. (And yes, he does have to field a lot of phone calls to the effect of "are you really a wizard called Harry?" XD )
zelda_queen
Apr. 18th, 2011 12:00 am (UTC)
Well, I see what you mean. Still, I get the feeling that I'd be more forgiving if this wizarding net thing was used in the fic series for more than porn.
szaleniec1000
Apr. 18th, 2011 12:06 am (UTC)
True enough.
Jeremiah Smith
Jun. 7th, 2011 09:53 pm (UTC)
I think many of us would've been forgiving of this fanfic series had it focused on the awesome-sounding "Salazar Slytherin's revival" plot instead of all that fucking nudist dreck...
sith_droideka
Aug. 24th, 2011 09:22 pm (UTC)
You know, the ironic thing is that the Internet was originally created to ensure that the US Government could continue to be able to communicate with itself in the event of nuclear destruction.

So that means that the magical US decided it needed the wizard net, and then opened it up to society. And in five years the ultra-anti-technology wizarding world of Britain has adopted it and already begun to vastly overabuse it.
szaleniec1000
Aug. 24th, 2011 09:30 pm (UTC)
The best bit is that it's the only mention it gets in the entire fic.
meicdon13
Apr. 18th, 2011 03:18 pm (UTC)
I love how Snape is talking about how a girl was raped and the first thing he does is assure Hermione that yes, Caitlin can still have babies. Because that's all that matters to a woman.

THIS.
sickbritkid
Jul. 29th, 2011 02:09 am (UTC)
I take offense to your avatar.
meicdon13
Jul. 29th, 2011 11:10 am (UTC)
I apologize for that.
sickbritkid
Jul. 29th, 2011 08:03 pm (UTC)
It's no fault of your own. I just have a lot of issues with modern feminism. IMO, many of them are an absolute disgrace to visionaries like Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony.
meicdon13
Jul. 29th, 2011 10:22 pm (UTC)
If you're talking about the really extreme feminists who want women to rule the world and hate it when men help them with things, I agree with you.
hermit_blake
Apr. 20th, 2011 03:13 am (UTC)
Oh god, 'precious gift' incoming. X(
Jeremiah Smith
Jun. 7th, 2011 09:54 pm (UTC)
"What, did they expect her to be gnawed to death by a rabbit?"

LOOK AT THE BONES!!!

Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 23rd, 2011 10:27 am (UTC)
"Hermione, please! Please give me a chance to show you how much I love you. Please! Just spend one night with me. No one will know. I'll do anything that you ask. If you still want to go back to" them" afterwards, I won't bother you ever again. Please at least give me one chance!"

You know what this passage reminds me of?

"Ebony I luv u will u plz hav secks wif me!"
scarsofloki
Mar. 20th, 2013 04:49 am (UTC)
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over.
^ Agreed. Also, that made me giggle.

"I can't do that Severus,"
^ But can she do the other Severus?
szaleniec1000
Mar. 20th, 2013 03:43 pm (UTC)
You'll notice as the story goes on that the author really doesn't seem to know how to use punctuation. There are capital letters and full stops in the right place, but it stops there: semicolons are thrown in wherever the hell he feels like, commas are hardly ever used for addressing people and don't get me started on apostrophes. ETA: also, questions without question marks and exclamations without exclamation marks.

Edited at 2013-03-20 03:44 pm (UTC)
scarsofloki
Mar. 20th, 2013 05:43 pm (UTC)
I just finished das_mervin's and doodasnapefreak's sporkings. I usually start out nitpicking about his grammar and then getting bored with that and stopping.
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