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The Legendary Ram in Buggery

Dark Dungeons: play a ninja
Title: The Legendary Ram in Buggery
Authors: bob_darktalon, labrat, RandomThought and szaleniec1000
Fandom Hatedom: The Legend of Rah and the Muggles
Wordcount: 1969
Rating: K+ (language, mild sex reference, innuendo)
Genre: Parody
Notes: This is a later version than the one zelda_queen linked on her Rah and the Muggles sporking. The original was written in 2001 and this in 2002.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Legend of Rah and the Muggles. And thank goodness for that.
Summary: What happens when four snarky sixth formers take on the worst novel ever written?

There had come a time of much social strife. This shall not be described in any detail, since if you wanted that sort of thing you'd have decided to read a Politics and Government essay, not a work of fiction. Suffice it to say, nuclear war broke out. The land was blasted and covered in dark clouds of radiation. Quite how this was achieved remains a mystery, since nuclear radiation is colourless and does not form clouds. It was lit only by the moon shining through it, for the aforementioned cloud was selectively opaque to sunlight but not moonlight despite the former being 100 times brighter.

Five hundred years later humanity, probably helped along by a mad genetic engineer who had watched too much Teletubbies, had evolved into pot-bellied humanoids with oversize heads. They became known as the Buggers, for reasons known only to themselves but possibly inspired by the term used by a majority of pre-war humans to refer to the Teletubbies. They managed to survive even in the absence of significant light to grow food.

Their homeland was hence called Buggery. Lost travellers would reach it, look at their maps and say "is it Buggery?"

What the Buggers were unaware of was that there was another war, far away. They only found out about it when it was over, much to the consternation of the Buggery News Network (whose flak-jacketed reporters had been waiting in vain for another war for the past five centuries).

In said far away land, the king had been killed in the battle. The queen was naturally extremely upset at this. She gave birth to her twin boys even as her enemies approached the castle. She decided to go into hiding in the secret caves and passageways beneath it, and then float the children out on a raft to escape the hordes. Or alternatively, to escape eighteen years of having to watch her flirting with the butler, since she had thought "now the king's out of the way, I can shag the butler". She had, needless to say, received 0% in her Fairytale Queen Etiquette 101 exam. For once, this sort of grading was not the fault of Edexcel. You will be glad to know that the chroniclers snipped all the cheesy romance-novelish bits.

By the time the babies had reached the ocean on their raft, it was extremely smelly since the queen had forgot to send someone to change their nappies. The boats that would otherwise have rescued them instead set a course directly away from the ming of crap, and the raft was not found for days.

A sea cow wearing a scuba outfit, which had the incidental effect of making him oblivious to the stench, bobbed up alongside the raft.

"Hello," he said. He had a speech impediment which was not helped by the diving mask, but he was the only talking sea cow the writer could find since none of the others were available at such short notice. They all had lucrative contracts for talking sea cow parts in more deserving books.

"The Dooners of the Speep will be along shortly. In the meantime, I have a 2.5 mile rope which I can take to the ocean bottom to tow you to Buggery."

Since babies should be talked to clearly and deliberately, and not by a stuttering sea cow in a diving mask, they didn't catch a single word of this. Even if they had, it would have been unlikely that they would have known what a Dooner of the Speep was, because nobody did except that their names were Tick and Tock. The Dooners appeared, said "bloody hell, what a pong," and left again. The sea cow towed them over the ocean, using an improbably long rope which he happened to be carrying in case he did encounter two abandoned infants on a raft. Occasionally other talking sea-life would appear. Some of them talked as though they were from New York, even though this was a fantasy world and New York didn't exist.

As the raft approached the shores of Buggery, the box of jewels had absorbed the sunlight and re-emitted it upon arrival. The mechanism for this process has been investigated to no avail in Buggery's only high energy physics facility ever since. The suspected verdict involves neutrinos, but that’s only because the researcher in question used to write Star Trek scripts.

None of the Buggers had ever encountered sunlight, yet they rejoiced even as they were forced to slap on copious amounts of Factor 25 to stop getting sunburn. The dead plants and animals came to life around them, proving that they were not dead but just resting. These included the Grardlies, who cavorted around with no regard to the plot, which they didn't seem to be furthering at all. The village elder Urazole, who was deaf as a post and still trying to live down an embarrassing incident where somebody had been talking to him about a punt, discovered the babies on the raft. He decided that they needed names, but postponed the naming ceremony until they'd had a bath. The ceremony had been hastily improvised to take advantage of the new plant life, with many bunches of flowers adorning the great hall. Names had great significance and meaning to the Buggers. The babies were named Ram and Bin, meaning respectively "a male sheep" and "a refuse container".

A few months later, they said their first words to Wink and Unprintable, two Buggers assigned to watch them. They ran off to tell Urazole, who predictably misheard and sent the entire city running around like blue-arsed flies before Wink and Unprintable got their point across and tactfully handed Urazole a hearing aid advertising leaflet.

Twelve years on, Ram and Bin were out exploring when they discovered the village elder Miazole, wife of Urazole, in a tree. The names were a happy coincidence – both sets of parents were excessively stupid and had been looking through silly chemical names websites, mistaking them for baby name lists. She read them a long and rambling poem, whose significance to the plot (or indeed anything at all) was highly questionable. "Wake up," she chided them upon finishing, noticing that they had fallen asleep to escape the interminable dross, written by a poet for whom the word "metre" meant nothing except possibly one three-hundred-millionth of the distance travelled by light in vacuum in one second.

"Coca-Cola Canal tastes like - " she began, but the boys cut her off.

"Yeah, Coke. That's why it's called Coca-Cola Canal."

"Take this," Miazole told Bin, handing him a small cardboard box. He opened it and withdrew a minute hammer, a smooth stone and a piece of paper which he read.

"Thank you for purchasing the Microsoft Worry Stone 1.0. Directions for use: fiddle with when worried. If it turns blue and writing appears on it in a language no mortal understands, please tap firmly with the enclosed hammer."

He looked up, but Miazole had gone. Suddenly some lovebirds flew past, with a Bugger most unfortunately named Bonker in hot pursuit. Since he was twice the size of the Buggers, Ram was able to chase and catch the renegade birds, give them back to Bonker and be back in town in time to have a game of croquet before Bonker returned. He won a medal for his efforts.

Urazole read a story to Bin about ancient treasure buried under a large wooden duck. Bin didn't ask Urazole about the duck since the elder hadn't had his hearing aid fitted yet and Bin didn't want to be embarrassed. He did, however, resolve to find the treasure.

Ram and Bin went to look for the buried treasure. They found the duck with no problem, since a large wooden duck isn't particularly hard to spot. They entered the cave under it and saw a large treasure chest. Ram promptly fainted as a result of the Boredom Moss in the cave. Bin took him back to Buggery City, cursing his bad luck. The treasure chest had presumably vanished into the ether, or possibly the Plot Cliché Graveyard, since nobody went back for it and it was never seen again.

The next ten years suddenly whizzed past without any sign of an event. Ram had built a mill house. Bin grew jealous and mustered a band of delinquents who became the Velins, a group of terrorist Buggers. They took up residence in the Munchimeat Tree near Buggery City, despite the notice marked "Radiation Hazard - Do Not Climb". Whether their thinking had been to make a nuclear bomb to blow Ram's shiny mill house to Kingdom Come (and found out that you can't make a bomb out of fallout because it's already undergone fission), or whether they were simply contending for a Darwin Award, they became sick. Bin started talking like a scally, possibly as a result of radiation-induced brain damage, and Ram read his storybook. There was a part about killer rabbits which had blatantly been lifted from Monty Python, but with the humour surgically removed.

Eventually, Bin decided that a radioactive tree was no place to live and set the Velins to make boats. They were the most incompetent boat builders, and it was a miracle that the boats stayed afloat, but they did. They were badly burned and jumped into the saltwater, proving that a Velin is completely immune to the dehydration that burns followed by saltwater would cause. Or maybe they really did want a Darwin Award. Who knows.

Ram cried so much when they left that his tears caused floods, and decided that if his body fluids were produced in such copious quantities then he should give up eating curry. The floods swamped Bin et al in their boats, washing them up on a barren island. The Velins, as had already been implied, were immune to dehydration. However, they were severely traumatised and started attacking their own shadows believing them to be monsters. Radioactive mutant forms of radioactive mutants aren’t noted for their intelligence.

Seven years later, Bin decided to check his pockets. He found the Microsoft Worry Stone, and despaired since any 17-year-old Microsoft product is as obsolete as a stone axe. Suddenly, some giant clamshells came along and washed up on the shore as what can only be called a Deus Ex Clamshell, giving the stranded Velins transport at last. They sailed back to Buggery, and found the Buggers in the midst of a double celebration for Urazole - he had not only broken the world record for the age of a Bugger, but his new hearing aid had finally arrived. Bin blasted Ram with some Boredom Moss and took him back to the island.

Urazole, noticing Ram had disappeared, morphed. No longer was he a doddery fool, but a powerful leader. The cause of this transformation was unknown, but speculatively Urazole was the victim of Fluctuating Character Concept Syndrome. He set the Buggers to work building boats. They were better at it than the Velins, and didn't get burned. They stuffed some boxes full of fireflies to act as lamps, then made haste to the island before the RSPCA busted them. The Velins ran around like headless chickens at the sight of their own shadows, allowing the Buggers to rescue Ram. He decided to keep Bin on the island, and helicopter in food supplies occasionally. Everyone lived happily ever after, except Bin and the Velins. Nobody ever finds out what happened to the other land where the barbarian hordes rampaged, nor whether the queen ever got a chance to resit Fairytale Queen Etiquette 101. Now, all you have to do is pray that no sequel is ever written.

Episode II: The Legendary Ram Buggers Some More


Just kidding. This is really the end.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
zelda_queen
Jul. 19th, 2011 09:17 pm (UTC)
You and your friends are brilliant! :D

I'm convinced that there must be a parody sequel of some sort, preferably where Zyn is the only sane man and knows how stupid everyone else is.
sickbritkid
Aug. 1st, 2011 08:00 pm (UTC)
Ah, the Legend of Rah and the Muggles...

If only it was a decent book to read...unfortunate...
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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