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In This World and the Next Chapter 2

Dark Dungeons: play a ninja
In which Harry and Hermione establish themselves as two of the most loathsome protagonists in the history of fanfic. And I've read Hogwarts Exposed.


The time they spent snuggling and comforting one another was enjoyable and provided them with much needed reassurance, but they were rudely returned to their current reality by a ferret trying to gain access to their compartment.
Harry tensed ready for battle but Hermione's kisses drove all other thoughts from his mind, when she decided to come up for air the ferret and his handlers were long gone.

Draco, Crabbe and Goyle can be repelled by the sheer power of Harmonian twu wuv, apparently. They've probably run to the toilet to be sick. Note that for all the "snuggling and comforting" they're physically eleven years old. When I said this fic was going into Hogwarts Exposed territory, I meant it. What makes ITWATN slightly less horrible in that regard is that they're adults trapped in the bodies of underage kids, whereas in Hogwarts Exposed they only talk like it. I still question why they went back in time by possessing their younger selves rather than being bamfed into the past in their adult bodies if the author wanted their marriage to survive the time jump, and nothing good can come of that.

"It's time to start figuring what we want to achieve here love, if you want to walk into Hogwarts, tell Dumbledore to go screw himself and come straight home with me then I'll be right by your side, but I think we have to decide now."

You'd think with all those commas, the author would be able to spare some for a direct address.

"I don't think they deserve any, they didn't show much in the way of mercy to us! All I'm saying is we need to set some goals and those will do for starters, are we going to take down Voldemort?"
"There is no way I could leave you and stand there while the bastard hits me with an Arvada Kedavra, that's just not happening.

Yes, it's so stupid that they defeated Voldemort.

We could destroy the horcruxes and keep our options open, the day I gave you that ring I was intending for the four of us to disappear to the Black island off the coast of Bermuda, that still sounds appealing to me, let the rest of them drown in the ocean of shit entirely of their own making."

I could do a running tally like the balances and literallies in Hogwarts Exposed, but I can't be arsed. Instead I'll just note that there are seven fucks and forty-one shits in ITWATN and point out that it's OOC for Harry (he does swear, but not that much) and just plain stupid for Hermione. It doesn't make your story more mature to have everyone effing and blinding all over the place, especially when it's OOC; you just look like you're trying too hard. In exactly the same way, though not to the same extent, as tasteless and ham-fisted rape plots.

"That sounds wonderful to me as well but at this point in time we don't have access to Black island, unless we get Sirius out of Azkaban. The reason I stopped you from attacking Malfoy is that his father has the diary, we know what he's eventually going to do with it but not until next summer. We could just ambush them that day in Diagon Alley and take the bloody thing, I have no wish to be petrified or see you fighting that bloody Basilisk to save a Weasley."

Because saving a young girl from a powerful evil magical device containing a fragment of the Dark Lord's soul is such a waste of effort. It's also worth contrasting Hermione's predicament in this fic with her being petrified in Chamber of Secrets, since that was mentioned. In CoS, she had just found out what Slytherin's monster was and how it was getting into the castle, and used this knowledge to save not only her own life but Penelope's as well. In ITWATN, she was overpowered twice by a "shit wizard" for no other reason than to give Harry an excuse to unleash his Gary Stu powers on her behalf because she's got no agency of her own. Anyway, with all the talk of what a load of crap their canon adventures were, next thing you know they'll be sacking off the whole "fighting Voldemort" thing and retiring to Black Island for all the pseudo-ephebophilic "comforting" they want.

"I see what you mean love, me slaughtering the ferret on the train might lose us the diary, though I'm wondering if that might not be a fair exchange?"
"You'll get no argument from me, it all depends on our goals' Harry, if we're going to let Voldemort take over the country then we can throw Malfoy off the astronomy tower tonight."

Oh, for...



"I can't make up my mind whether to feed Ron to Fluffy or lock him in the bathroom with the troll, he and Myrtle keeping each other company in a toilet u-bend for the next millennium sounds like a just punishment to me."

I don't actually know what's so bad about Ron in this fic. I mean, I know what he's done, but no indication (aside from some wizarding equivalent of the droit du seigneur that's been painfully shoehorned in there) of why. Much like in The Last War, he's just an animate plot device. Nor indeed is there any good reason why they need to kill him seven years before he did it. Or seven years before he would have done it. Or whatever.

"Why settle for just the one, couldn't we let the troll work him over and then feed the leftovers to Fluffy? I think we need to decide on Voldemort and everything else will follow from there, we also have to be careful not to appear too knowledgeable and try to stay out of the spotlight, though I understand that will be difficult for the boy who lived!"

Remember this resolution to stay out of the spotlight for later.

Harry kissed her again, "Well my new philosophy is pretty simple, I trust no one but you and that's the way it's going to stay, we're not two naïve kids this time and anyone treating us as such is in for a rude awakening.

Which won't draw attention to you at all.

Let's just keep an eye on how the 'adults' react around us and see if we can spot who's playing games. Our biggest problem may be that I don't think I can survive without you to cuddle into every night, you Miss Granger are addictive and I can safely say I'm hooked!" This ended any conversation as Hermione showed her appreciation of that comment, after all the man of her dreams had asked her to marry him and she was focusing on that to blot out the earlier incident.

The "earlier incident" isn't explored in any kind of depth, to the extent that there was no point using rape in the story at all. Harry might as well have killed Ron because he crashed his broomstick. I'm a lot harsher on this, Hogwarts Exposed, Hermione's Talent and The Last War for including rape because it's just thrown in there to justify the M rating. At least Deserving, although the execution was laughably terrible, was about exploring the "what if the Ministry decided to repopulate the wizarding world by forcibly impregnating ex-Death Eaters" scenario, so there was a reason for rape to be integral to the plot.

Speaking of ratings, ITWATN is rated T. I'm sure it was M the first time I read it, so it's since been rerated. The Fictionratings homepage has this to say about T:

Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes.

I'd argue that once there's (even offscreen) rape as more than a passing reference you've gone beyond "minor suggestive adult themes", but maybe I'm just picky. It's probably not enough to justify reporting the story for being improperly rated, but it's enough to justify sternly wagging my finger in its general direction.

The only time their door was opened the entire trip was to buy sweets from the trolley lady, Harry had just left the Dursleys and as usual was famished. The occupants of the train appeared more concerned with the nonappearance of any Weasleys than the two first years who sat cuddling each other the entire journey.

I doubt it. They're supposed to be eleven, which is above the age where a boy and a girl acting like that would be simply seen as cute (assuming we read "cuddling" at face value, otherwise, ick) but below the age where it's business as usual. Someone would surely have noticed.

Leaving the train to the familiar sound of Hagrid calling for the first years tugged on their heartstrings, it was one thing to talk about letting Voldemort take over Britain, seeing Neville standing alone, too shy to ask anyone about sharing a boat, was a whole different matter.

Yes, it takes seeing Neville and Hagrid for Harry and Hermione to realise that abandoning an entire country to the tyranny of the most evil wizard in history might not be such a good idea. Why are we supposed to be on these bastards' side, again?

Both headed straight for him, "Hi there, want to share a boat with us?" Hermione asked.
Neville seemed more relieved than anything else and muttered 'sure' before the three of them sat in the little craft and began chatting as it slowly took them to their new life. "I'm Hermione and this is Harry, we're new at this magic malarkey and, although we've both done lots of reading, we're hoping that someone can take us under their wing and help us out."
This was more than anyone had said to Neville since his Grandmother put him on the train,

... which just makes me realise that new!Hermione was too busy canoodling to help Neville look for his toad. Yay!

We've heard stories about these houses Neville, which one do you think fit's you?"

"Fit's"? Well, someone's clearly not a Ravenclaw.

"Oh you're a definite Gryffindor!" the boy's eyes nearly popped out his head at Hermione's declaration, "You don't think you shouldn't be here yet you're still going ahead, that says Gryffindor courage to me."
"My Grandmother put me on the train and I was too scared to get back off!"
Harry placed his hand on the frightened boy's shoulder, "Neville if you stride up to that stool, place the sorting hat on your head and demand to be in Gryffindor the hat will be forced to place you there, that's true Gryffindor courage."

Behold their first achievement: changing the past in order for Neville to be put in Gryffindor instead of, uh, Gryffindor.

They looked towards each other, only now were the implications beginning to dawn on them, place Harry, Ron and Peter Pettigrew in the same dorm and there would be at least one murder done.

So they're out to kill everyone who hasn't pissed them off yet in the other timeline, but murder is just wrong.

Harry had his arm around her shoulders to show his agreement about them being together, Neville had to ask, "Are you a couple?"
Harry's smile was a beacon on the dark water, "Hermione is my best friend and my girlfriend." She placed her hand on Harry's cheek and Neville's reaction almost overturned their boat.
"I thought you said you were muggles, where did you get that?" indicating Hermione's ring.

"It fell through a plot hole."

"Harry gave it to me, I think it's beautiful."

When is Harry supposed to have given Hermione the ring in the new timeline, considering that it's strongly hinted that the first time they met was on the train and she already had it then? Hermione's curiosity also deserted her in that scene: her reaction to Harry asking how it was possible was, "I really don't give a shit!" Which in both wording and attitude is about as in-character as Dumbledore shouting "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

Neville couldn't take his eyes off it, "Oh it's beautiful, it's also an old family wedding ring, when the head of an old family places that ring on a girl's finger and she accepts it, that couple are then married!"

We've had inexplicably!evil!Ron, damsel!Hermione, pureblood supremacy taking over the world even after Voldemort was defeated, time travel to fix what went wrong and now a marriage law. All in the first two chapters of twenty-six. I'm guessing that later in the story, Harry will be framed and sent to Azkaban, allowing his hitherto unknown twin who's the actual Boy Who Lived to take his place, get adopted by Snape and become Head Boy, upon which he hooks up with Hermione (who turns out to be really a pureblood) at the annual Yule Ball and they have lots of rampant sex in the Head Boy and Girl's private quarters, and meanwhile Draco discovers that he's part-Veela and hooks up with an American exchange student who's a newly discovered species of super-witch with an anachronistic taste in clothes and music, and they go off and fight the resurrected Salazar Slytherin together.

Neville was trying to understand this couple but had nothing to compare them with, perhaps there was nothing to compare them with? "For this marriage to be binding you would have to be the head of an old family and Hermione would need to want to marry you, this is crazy as you're both eleven!"
"Neville my name is Harry Potter and this lovely young lady has been my best friend for years, I can't think of anything that would please me more than having her as Hermione Potter. I found this ring in my vault and immediately thought of Miss Granger here so maybe you can understand why we're not upset about this."

New!Harry found the ring, thought of Hermione and it magically appeared on her finger, apparently. Even considering that it does rely on her consent, she rather lacks agency in this situation.

They were out the boats and McGonagall had just given them her 'your house is your family speech' when Malfoy made his move, she had hardly left the entrance hall when the blond shoved Neville out his way and stuck his manicured hand out to Harry, "My name is Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort, I can help you there!"

This is, of course, the same speech he gives Harry on the train in Philosopher's Stone. It made sense there in a way it doesn't here, because there Harry was with Ron so Draco had a reason to tell him about how much better his own family was. Now given the general attitude of ITWATN, I wouldn't be surprised if new!Harry actually agreed that the Malfoys were better than the Weasleys. However:

Harry glanced at the offered hand and tried to hold his temper, "Where did you get the idea that I would need an arrogant little albino prick like you as my social secretary?

Clearly he didn't try very hard.

You throw the name Malfoy around like it's supposed to mean something well I tell you what it means to me, your father didn't have the guts or conviction to stand up for his beliefs and used his money to help lie his way out of a prison sentence. Your aunt is a psychopath who's currently rotting her arse off in Azkaban and you have the audacity to stand there and propose to tell me which wizarding families are better than others? Why don't you take dumb and dumber here and run crying to daddy!"
Draco was incensed, didn't Potter know who he was?

I somehow think he's more than demonstrated that he does. By the way, this is what Harry not drawing attention to himself looks like. Hermione, meanwhile, is nothing but a bystander in this scene. And nobody seems to have noticed Harry giving an enormous monologue.

"Potter when my father hears of this…"
Harry was right in Draco's face, "He will do the exact same as his son and wet himself, I dealt with his master when I was a baby so why do you think I would be afraid of the servant now?"
Draco tried to return Harry's stare but the whine in his voice told all the first years who was winning this contest, "The Malfoys are nobody's servants."
"You keep telling yourself that while everyone else can imagine your father down on his knees kissing the hem of Voldemort's robes."
The screams from Harry saying the name were covered by the appearance of the Hogwarts ghosts, McGonagall returned before Malfoy could conjure a witty reply so he sulked away muttering threats of retribution.

Enough people overheard their conversation for there to be several screams at Harry saying "Voldemort", but nobody had reacted hitherto. Apparently.

Harry grabbed Neville and pulled him back to his side, "Don't let that arsehole push you around Neville, you're worth twelve of Malfoy."
Minerva was about to reprimand the boy for his use of language until she realised what he was doing and decided not to hear the remark, it would appear that Mr Potter had already made a friend and the way Augusta coddled Neville this might be the making of the lad. She led the new first years into the great hall to be sorted.

This scene suffers from a familiar problem in that the POV, even if it is supposed to be omniscient, is shifting around so much it's hard to keep track. We've had Harry, Neville, Draco and now Minerva. Not Hermione, for some reason, unless you count her having a joint POV with Harry a few times.

Harry and Hermione were too busy wondering how long it would take the redheads to get here that the sorting hat had finished its song and Hannah Abbot was heading to the Hufflepuff table before they knew what was happening.

... like so. For all she's listed as a main character and the events of the fic follow from something that happened to her, her POV in the story is very much secondary. It wouldn't have been so bad if the author had stuck with a limited narrative from Harry's perspective, but in omniscient it's very noticeable when Hermione's viewpoint seems to be taking a back seat in her own story. And no conclusion that can be drawn from this is particularly flattering to the fic.

When McGonagall called for Daphne Greengrass and Hermione was still standing there, the couple understood that any attempt at staying out of the spotlight was now about as likely as Umbridge making a nude calendar. Harry knew the magical world had its quirks and foibles but couldn't imagine there would be much demand for an 'amorous amphibians' publication.

Yes, we really needed that joke explaining.

"Neville things are about to get very messy, just remember you're our first magical friend and don't worry about any shit that happens around us. We can take care of ourselves, and our friends."
When his name was called and still no mention of Granger, Neville understood what Harry was saying, this revelation would be the talk of the castle, no the whole of magical Britain would go berserk at the news the-boy-who-lived was married, and to a muggle born to boot!

Starting with how in the sweet name of the great purple fuck that was even possible. Anyway, Neville gets sorted into Gryffindor (what a surprise) and:

Minerva had been staring at the next entry on her list wishing she didn't have to read it out loud, her gaze shifted to the two children who were standing holding hands and wished there was something that could be done to avoid the maelstrom that was about to descend upon them.

She has apparently only just noticed that the class list has been altered.

She hoped Albus choked on his infernal lemon drops for forcing Harry to grow up outside their world, "Mr and Mrs Harry Potter!"

And how the class list was altered is a mystery, especially as changing your name when you get married is something you have to choose to do rather than something that happens automagically when you sign the register. Maybe it works like the magic Hogwarts book in Deserving, one of that fic's few genuinely good ideas. Oh, and of course she's been spending the past ten years second-guessing Dumbledore's wisdom. It's not like she's one of his most loyal supporters and his trusted second-in-command or anything like that.

Minerva didn't think the dark lord turning up in a tutu could have drawn anymore attention than the young couple walking hand in hand towards her, they squeezed together on the stool as the hat expanded to fit over both their heads.

Remember, kids: getting married destroys your individuality!

"Mr and Mrs Potter, let me be the first to offer my congratulations on your recent nuptials and say welcome back!"
"Er, thanks I think, can anyone else hear us?"
"Only the three of us are privy to what is said during your sorting Mr Potter."
That was good enough for Hermione who had a load of questions needing answered, "You know we came back in time, have you any idea how that happened?"
"A combination of effects Mrs Potter, can you remember what you said to your husband when he placed the Potter ring on your finger?"
"Of course I can, I'm hardly likely to forget that! I said I'll love you forever Harry, in this world and the next." A semblance of understanding began to percolate at the back of Hermione's mind.
"As usual Mrs Potter you are correct, your husband used similar words when he proposed creating an amazingly strong bond of marriage. When they then used the same dementor for both of you, your souls joined with such force the creature was blasted to pieces, and so I might add were most of the room's occupants."

So all this came about because Harry happened to use the title of the fic in his uncharacteristically eloquent declaration of Harmonian twu wuv, making it so powerful it blew up the Dementor in a convenient explosion that also killed off all the baddies.

"That doesn't explain what we're doing back here though," said Harry.
They could sense something that felt like sorrow emanating from the ancient magical artifact, "You both gave everything you had to give in the defeat of evil and were then betrayed by a magical community that didn't deserve you. You are the chosen one Mr Potter but misguided people stopped you reaching your full potential, with this young lady at your side our world could have been dragged into the new millennium. Instead, an event took place that saw you both flee the country and the scum clawed, lied and cheated their way back to the top unopposed, your work was only just beginning with the defeat of Riddle but of course you chose to support the love of your life."

So did evil!Ron do what he did in order to actively bring about the new dystopia, or just For The Evulz? Either way, we still don't have any indication of why he did it. You can't just go "oh, btw Ron's now evil lol" and expect readers to buy into that without exploring his fall from grace in more detail, which is exactly where Dark Secrets and The Last War failed too.

"The powers that be decided to send you back with your memories and powers intact, they understand that you'll be looking to apply some retribution but now see the necessity for that. For our world to survive the stupidity that is blood purity must be abolished, we need a revolution and you two have been elected to be its leaders."

I didn't think the Sorting Hat was supposed to take sides.

"Only if you sort Ron Weasley somewhere else," Harry growled.
"Unfortunately I don't think I can, he has no loyalty which rules out Hufflepuff,

No loyalty, which is why he was Harry's best friend all through school and helped him defeat Voldemort! Wait.

let's just say his exclusion from Ravenclaw's a given while he has ambition enough for Slytherin there is no guile there."

Because ITWATN!Ron is a "shit wizard", which is how he managed to overpower Hermione twice.

Hermione wasn't going to stand for that, "Oh he managed to pull the wool over our eyes for all those years, I think he would fit right in there."
"I could offer you Ravenclaw?"
"With Cho and Marietta, no chance!"
"Hufflepuff?"
Harry was the one who scuppered this choice, "Justin and Ernie are worse than the Creevey brothers, at least I can ignore them."

Oh joy, even more character bashing. Is there anyone besides Harry and possibly Neville that this author actually likes? I'm not even going to give him Hermione, with all the chickification she's been subjected to.

"Crawley."
"I'm sorry Mrs Potter I don't understand, that's not a house."
"Yes but my house is there, I say we get the fuck out of this place tonight and the country by next week. At least we'll live to see twenty."

I don't know where pottymouth!Hermione made the leap from being a staple of wacky humour fic to something writers think they can get away with using seriously, but they can't.

Harry didn't need the use of language to know that

... he was trapped in a badfic.

Hermione's patience had finally snapped, apparently the sorting hat had cottoned on too because it suddenly shouted "Gryffindor married quarters!" before she could carry out her very real threat.

They used to belong to the Head Boy and Girl.

The couple were then bombarded with questions, which they politely ignored in favour of watching the staff's reaction while chatting to Neville. Harry felt no pain in his head when Quirrell turned around so the chances were good his scar was just that,

So apparently Voldemort is still alive but Harry is no longer a Horcrux. Or something.

"We met on our first day of school, we've been best friends for years."
"When did you get married?"
"Today on the train apparently."
This caused Minerva to do a double take before Harry continued, "We had intended to get married in the future but the ring I gave her means we were married today."
"How did you get a hold of that ring?"
Harry faked a look of puzzlement, "It's a Potter family ring, I'm head of the Potter family by being the only one left, why shouldn't I have my ancestor's ring to give my girl?"
McGonagall was now the one puzzled, "Mr Potter, where did you hear all this?"
"Our new friend Neville told us, why wasn't I supposed to know my rights?"

Because you've only just arrived at school and nobody's had a chance to tell you nor any reason to think they needed to, you whiny, self-centred bellend. The author clearly thinks that Dumbledore was negligent for not taking Harry aside on his first night at Hogwarts and infodumping absolutely everything he learns in all seven books all at once.

"Professor, my entire life I have been told my parents were no-good lazy drunks who died in a car crash, you saying they would have wanted me to attend here means nothing to me."
McGonagall couldn't believe what she was hearing, "James and Lily Potter were two of the kindest and bravest people I've ever met, they are heroes in our world!"
"Yet their son ended up living in a cupboard, treated no better than a slave. If that's how you treat your heroes professor, then maybe you can understand why Australia appears so attractive an option to us."

Harry was placed where Dumbledore knew he'd be safe. If he'd been adopted by a wizarding family they'd probably have met the same fate as poor Frank and Alice Longbottom, and he himself could well have been killed or worse. And (as Dumbledore points out in the very first chapter) the Boy Who Lived growing up in the wizarding world could easily have become a spoiled brat as bad as Draco Malfoy or worse. Canon!Harry realises this, but ITWATN!Harry is a whiny, self-centred bellend.

Minerva had no answer, she'd told Dumbledore that night he was making a mistake leaving Harry there and now it would appear they could end up paying for it.

No, she suggested it'd be a mistake before Dumbledore explained his reasoning.

Harry Potter leaving Hogwarts to attend another school would be a hammerblow to the prestige of Hogwarts and its headmaster. Albus wanted to talk to the boy tonight but she now thought that would be another huge mistake, although they appeared quite open she could sense that their answers were carefully considered before being given, not something she was used to with first year students.

And she was wrong.

"Professor as our head of house we are required to inform you if we leave the school, according to 'Hogwarts a History' as married couple this is our right. It is our intention to leave after our last class on Friday to spend the weekend with my parents."

I somehow don't think that first-years being married to each other was a common enough situation to appear in Hogwarts: A History. Even in the Middle Ages.

Minerva could only nod, "Please give me that in writing after you receive your timetables tomorrow, I know this whole marriage thing must come as a bit of a shock, if there is anything I can help you with please don't be afraid to ask."
Minerva was the one in shock at Hermione's saucy answer, "Professor, this is our wedding night and I think we'll manage fine without any help."

Hogwarts Exposed called. It wants its plot back.

The stern professor was almost blushing as she left them alone, Harry was gobsmacked, "Hermione Jane Potter, what was that all about? You know we're both eleven and that wont be happening for a while yet."

Well, thank goodness for that.

Molly Weasley wasn't mad, she passed mad a long, long time ago, her legendary temper had erupted but the police officers paid it not the slightest notice, with her hands cuffed behind her back and no wand, Molly was powerless to do anything but rant.

Harry is the only person with super-special-awesome wandless powers in this fic. He's not a Gary Stu, honest.

That rant was the reason she'd spent the rest of the day in a cell, had she been calm and explained the incident away as a misunderstanding, the whole family would have been out of there within the first hour.

Because dramatic irony works best when delivered with a sledgehammer.

Thus it was that Molly's fuse was even shorter than normal as she led her brood into Hogwarts next morning, on entering the great hall her eyes immediately scanned the room before locking onto her target. That little shit was going to get a personal howler delivered from a distance of six inches while she held him by the throat, Molly rushed straight at him.

What exactly did she think was going to happen when she tried to attack a first-year in the middle of the Hogwarts Great Hall?

The Potters were sitting eating their breakfast while discussing the timetables McGonagall had just handed them, as the conversation began to die around the pair, Hermione glanced up just as Molly was about to make a grab for Harry.
How she kept that curse to a 'petrificus totalus' she would never know, the temptation to hit the bitch with a 'reducto' was almost overpowering.

She might as well, because the Reductor Curse is for blowing up inanimate objects. Also, spell incantations are capitalised. As are a great many pieces of wizarding vocabulary that the author's shift key has apparently given up on.

Percy Weasley was one angry young man, he'd spent the entire time since receiving his badge dreaming of strolling through these hallowed halls proudly displaying to the school that he was a prefect. Instead, he missed the feast, sorting and leading the first year Gryffindors to their new home. Now a first year had just cursed his mother, Percy drew his wand ready to extract some retribution.

No concern for why his mother had just gone berserk in the middle of the school, or anything like that.

Unfortunately for Percy Hermione's wand was already in her hand and he found himself in the same predicament as his mother, without the aid of porridge to break his fall.
Harry had moved just as fast as his wife, while petrified Molly was falling past him, Harry's wand was in his hand, he gave the twins time to reach for their wands before casting the same curse as Hermione. He switched his attention to Ron and wasn't sure if the boy was more upset about his mother being cursed or the porridge being wasted, not knowing any magic, he let out a roar and charged at Hermione.
Harry's wand tracked his progress but he really wanted Hermione to deal with this, she did! At first it appeared as if she's choked but when Ron was the correct distance away she exploded into action as her right foot connected with excruciating force and painful accuracy on her attacker's groin.

Not for the last time. The main antagonist spends half the story getting kicked in the knackers and meanwhile his mother is being slagged off for what seems like no reason than the fact that she acts like a mother. It's all very Freudian.

Ron landed in a groaning heap at Hermione's feet as her wand now pointed at the little sister. "Are you staying out of this or do we need to deal with you as well?"
Ginny was brought along because her dad had to go to work and the girl was excited, she was going to see Hogwarts. Seconds after she had admired the ceiling her family were on the floor and she had the terrifying sight of an enraged brown haired girl pointing her wand at poor little Ginny Weasley. She could only shake her head as her voice wouldn't work.

Apparently, going completely apeshit and attacking young children is only evil when the designated villains do it.

Harry had been afraid there for a second that Hermione was going to let Ron reach her, had he laid hands on his wife nothing in this hall would have been able to move quick enough to stop Harry killing him. Hermione was standing just that bit straighter after inflicting some punishment on the prick, she'd obviously decided to deal with him physically as that was what she needed to gain that bit of self-respect back. With a wand in her hand Hermione was always going to make mincemeat of Ron Weasley, in this or any other time, now she knew that physically he wasn't going to defeat her either.

Yes, ITWATN!Hermione is such a badass for hexing two unarmed people, kicking an eleven-year-old boy in the knackers and terrorising a young girl. Bravo!

Snape's expression was almost gleeful as he shouted from the Slytherin table, "Twenty points each from Gryffindor and detention every night this week, that also means you lose your privileges for the coming weekend."
McGonagall was also still handing out timetables and it was to her Hermione turned, "Who'e he and can he do that?"
"That is Professor Snape, head of Slytherin and I'm afraid he can."
"So this woman and her family attack us and we get punished for defending ourselves?"
McGonagall could only answer, "You should have let a professor deal with the situation."
"I'm sorry professor but I don't trust any of the staff in here to do that, I will not stand back and watch my husband attacked while we wait to see if a member of staff can be bothered to intervenes. Had the action for defence been as quick as the reaction to hand out punishment we would not be having this conversation, you have forced our hand."

When you need to hand out idiot balls in order to make your characters look good, your characters don't look good.

Hermione held up her wand, "Accio Mr and Mrs Potter's jackets."
The entire hall were riveted by the scene playing out in front of them though some of the older ones were now scoffing at Hermione attempting a summoning charm, that was until two jackets flew into the hall.
Minerva feared she knew the answer but had to ask, "Mr and Mrs Potter, can I ask what you are doing?"
Hermione had it all figured out, "We'll take a walk to Hogsmead, should be able to find a public floo there that will allow us to reach the Leaky Cauldron, from there it's a tube and taxi back home! This morning's incident proves beyond doubt we were both lied to, if this is the best magical school then I pity the rest. That poorly disguised attempt to deny us our rights before we've even finished breakfast on our first morning has indicated what we can expect if we stay here, especially since neither our head of house nor the headmaster has spoken a word in our defence."

This is what staying out of the spotlight looks like.

Albus was now dragged into this, he'd been angry with what Minerva had told him last night, as well as her refusal to bring Harry to his office, he was pleased that his head of Slytherin had cleverly negated their plans for a weekend away from Hogwarts only for the whole thing to blow up in his face.

So he was expecting them to cause a scene in the Great Hall in order for Snape to do what Snape does, rather than simply overruling them and pointing out how ridiculous it is to let two first-years out of the school for weekends.

Albus tried again, certain he would be successful this time. "Mr Potter wouldn't you rather be at Hogwarts than living with your aunt and uncle?"
Harry couldn't believe his luck, "Oh so you are aware of my living conditions there? I have no intention of returning to that house ever again and will be contacting the ministry to find out why I was left on their doorstep in the first place. If that's how the magical world deals with orphans, then I want nothing to do with it or Hogwarts."

Because the Ministry had no idea that Harry was living with the Dursleys, despite having sent letters to him at that address twice. Why on Earth did the Sorting Hat offer to put him in Ravenclaw? And again, would he rather he and his guardians been killed or worse before he ever had the chance to attend Hogwarts?

That last statement could be very bad for Albus, he didn't want events of that night looked into too closely and needed the boy staying in Privet Drive. That blasted ring was some of the oldest and most powerful magic their world possessed, even killing the girl wouldn't alter Harry's status as head of house. "Mr Potter, should you leave Hogwarts this way, it could mean the snapping of your wand and…"
Albus never got to say any more as the crack of the boy's wand breaking silenced him, Harry threw the broken wand onto the floor and offered his arm to Hermione, "Ready to go home Mrs Potter? You were right we should never have agreed to come here in the first place, the schools abroad look so much better. We'll keep in touch Neville."

So he's just thrown away one of the big advantages he's had against Voldemort. Even considering that he's all set to abandon everyone to Voldemort like a true hero, does he think that Voldemort isn't going to want to kill the Boy Who Lived anyway?

Ginny Weasley watched as her dreams crashed to the floor even quicker than her family, Harry left with Mrs Potter on his arm, and Harry Potter's broken wand had landed at her feet, as if to emphasise she would never now marry the boy-who-lived.

"Take that, shippers!"

Comments

( 43 comments — Leave a comment )
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 18th, 2012 04:54 pm (UTC)
It doesn't make your story more mature to have everyone effing and blinding all over the place, especially when it's OOC; you just look like you're trying too hard. In exactly the same way, though not to the same extent, as tasteless and ham-fisted rape plots.

Not to mention how that passage has Harry proposing to Hermione that they both abandon Britain to Voldemort's wrath.

Even though he'd still be tracked down, later on, so Voldemort can resurrect himself AND even if Voldemort opted to use someone else's blood for his ritual, then that would mean letting Britain get taken over, which would then mean Europe and America would have to fight against Voldemort without the person destined to defeat him by their side.
szaleniec1000
Sep. 18th, 2012 04:56 pm (UTC)
I went on to mention that later on. Voldemort and the Death Dealers Eaters are hardly going to be like "Harry Potter skipped the country, that's okay then lol", after all.
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:05 pm (UTC)
"You'll get no argument from me, it all depends on our goals' Harry, if we're going to let Voldemort take over the country then we can throw Malfoy off the astronomy tower tonight."

So they're seriously contemplating abandoning the country to Voldemort's whims...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrcU5rRy1IA&t=6m46s
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:09 pm (UTC)
Yes, it takes seeing Neville and Hagrid for Harry and Hermione to realise that abandoning an entire country to the tyranny of the most evil wizard in history might not be such a good idea. Why are we supposed to be on these bastards' side, again?

"But, but, but...they're HARRY AND HERMIONE!!!"

- author
szaleniec1000
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:09 pm (UTC)
See also: Hogwarts Exposed.
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:12 pm (UTC)
Behold their first achievement: changing the past in order for Neville to be put in Gryffindor instead of, uh, Gryffindor.

I think what they're doing is trying to make Awkward!Neville from the earlier novels become Badass!Neville from Deathly Hallows.

Nevermind how that development occurred after years and years of character development and writing and that it was triggered by Neville stepping up to lead the protagonists at Hogwarts while Harry was having to hunt Horcruxes.
szaleniec1000
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:22 pm (UTC)
Exactly. And he does show indications of his later bravery as early as the first book, when he attacks Crabbe and Goyle at the Quidditch match and later tries to stop Harry, Ron and Hermione themselves from leaving Gryffindor Tower. I'm not sure how giving the "you're worth twelve of Malfoy" pep talk on his first day rather than when he actually needed it helps matters, but then I didn't write ITWATN. And thank goodness for that.
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:15 pm (UTC)
We've had inexplicably!evil!Ron, damsel!Hermione, pureblood supremacy taking over the world even after Voldemort was defeated, time travel to fix what went wrong and now a marriage law. All in the first two chapters of twenty-six. I'm guessing that later in the story, Harry will be framed and sent to Azkaban, allowing his hitherto unknown twin who's the actual Boy Who Lived to take his place, get adopted by Snape and become Head Boy, upon which he hooks up with Hermione (who turns out to be really a pureblood) at the annual Yule Ball and they have lots of rampant sex in the Head Boy and Girl's private quarters, and meanwhile Draco discovers that he's part-Veela and hooks up with an American exchange student who's a newly discovered species of super-witch with an anachronistic taste in clothes and music, and they go off and fight the resurrected Salazar Slytherin together.

Getting all of the fanfic cliches out of your system, szaleniec?
szaleniec1000
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:22 pm (UTC)
That was a lot of fun to write.
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:27 pm (UTC)
Remember, kids: getting married destroys your individuality!

No kidding. It's like a stealth insult toward the entire institution...
szaleniec1000
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:52 pm (UTC)
Especially as it seems to manifest as Hermione subordinating herself to Harry. I don't like that any more here than I did in Hogwarts Exposed, especially as this author seems to be doing it intentionally whereas Neil was just (by HG131's own admission) clueless.
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:33 pm (UTC)
Because ITWATN!Ron is a "shit wizard", which is how he managed to overpower Hermione twice.

It's always hilarious to see these shite authors try and blather on about how awesome and powerful Hermione is(LoPEF, Neil, and this fic's author, whose name escapes me atm) and yet they're some of the worst perpetrators of Chickification in all of fanfic.
szaleniec1000
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:49 pm (UTC)
Wait until you see his idea of giving Hermione a chance to be badass.
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:59 pm (UTC)
*has just read it*

So Hermione being badass, in this author's eyes, is her hexing a couple of unarmed people and intimidating a ten year-old girl...

Brings back some "fond" memories of the playground when I was Ginny's age in this.

I need a freakin' drink.
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:35 pm (UTC)
They used to belong to the Head Boy and Girl.

Ah, but there's a new feature: It has helter skelter stairs that activate whenever an eeeeeevil Weasley tries to enter!
warlock_female
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:36 pm (UTC)
Now I do like how they're feeling bad about Neville looking scared and alone, that would have been a good topic to explore. Or how about Hermione being annoyed because she already knows everything from the classes and wants to learn more?

No? We're going to have two adults as eleven year olds being all lovey dovy aroudn one another because they're really adults? And running away from all their problems? I would love to have seen something like in the Star Trek NG episode "Rascals" in which the two do love one another but are also squicked about the whole being eleven years old. But that would require thinking about something other then "How can I get back at the people I hate from this book?"
szaleniec1000
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:48 pm (UTC)
All of those interesting ideas are touched on in single lines and never elaborated, because as you say that would get in the way of all the bashing.
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:39 pm (UTC)
The author clearly thinks that Dumbledore was negligent for not taking Harry aside on his first night at Hogwarts and infodumping absolutely everything he learns in all seven books all at once.

Eh. I guess the author thinks that an eleven year-old boy who is frightened and desperately struggling to fit in with a whole new world is more than capable of shouldering all that information without devolving into a gibbering mess akin to a slug...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZxzJGgox_E
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:42 pm (UTC)
And (as Dumbledore points out in the very first chapter) the Boy Who Lived growing up in the wizarding world could easily have become a spoiled brat as bad as Draco Malfoy or worse.

Did the author just not read Order of the Phoenix or something!?
szaleniec1000
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:48 pm (UTC)
He's read Order of the Phoenix, because he can't shut up about how much he thinks it (along with Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows) sucks.
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 18th, 2012 05:45 pm (UTC)
Well, thank goodness for that.

Yeah. It makes this fanfic MARGINALLY better than Hogwarts Exposed, at least.
taekarado
Sep. 18th, 2012 08:00 pm (UTC)
We've had inexplicably!evil!Ron, damsel!Hermione, pureblood supremacy taking over the world even after Voldemort was defeated, time travel to fix what went wrong and now a marriage law. All in the first two chapters of twenty-six. I'm guessing that later in the story, Harry will be framed and sent to Azkaban, allowing his hitherto unknown twin who's the actual Boy Who Lived to take his place, get adopted by Snape and become Head Boy, upon which he hooks up with Hermione (who turns out to be really a pureblood) at the annual Yule Ball and they have lots of rampant sex in the Head Boy and Girl's private quarters, and meanwhile Draco discovers that he's part-Veela and hooks up with an American exchange student who's a newly discovered species of super-witch with an anachronistic taste in clothes and music, and they go off and fight the resurrected Salazar Slytherin together.
that is fucking brilliant. which is more than i can say for the fic that inspired it...

New!Harry found the ring, thought of Hermione and it magically appeared on her finger, apparently.
where is old!harry right now? two souls cant occupy the same body without causing a quirrel/voldemort-esque split. canon proved this. what happened to the harry of the past, whose body just got taken over by a, well, "whiny, self-centred bellend"? is new!harry completely doing over the past or is it a new timeline altogether? did the metaphorical axe cut off the metaphorical griffin head the first time?
will any of these be even addressed once by the narrative, let alone answered comprehensively?

Harry was placed where Dumbledore knew he'd be safe. If he'd been adopted by a wizarding family they'd probably have met the same fate as poor Frank and Alice Longbottom, and he himself could well have been killed or worse. And (as Dumbledore points out in the very first chapter) the Boy Who Lived growing up in the wizarding world could easily have become a spoiled brat as bad as Draco Malfoy or worse.
why do so many harry potter fanfic writers not get this? as awful as the neglect of harry by the dursleys was (neglect, not abuse as many like to retcon it as; harry and dr wood are proof positive that neglect is just as horrible as abuse, as ive mentioned on tumblr before), it was necessary from a metaphysical standpoint to build harrys character, and dumbledore had to place him there regardless of their reactions because of the blood protection.

Ginny was brought along because her dad had to go to work and the girl was excited, she was going to see Hogwarts.
arthur works at the ministry. what business would ginny have to visit hogwarts grounds? if parents and siblings could visit hogwarts any time they pleased, then ginny would have never left the place in her doe-eyed crush on harry.

Molly Weasley wasn't mad, she passed mad a long, long time ago,
Percy Weasley was one angry young man,
Albus was now dragged into this,
That last statement could be very bad for Albus,

for some reason, these paragraphs openers bother me. i cant place why, but i feel like its oversaturation of the sentence structure. like, theyre good on their own with corrected grammar and characterization, but not so close to each other. you get what i mean, szaleniec?

With a wand in her hand Hermione was always going to make mincemeat of Ron Weasley, in this or any other time,
and will the author please stop it with the fucking shoehorned in title drops?!

Ginny Weasley watched as her dreams crashed to the floor even quicker than her family, Harry left with Mrs Potter on his arm, and Harry Potter's broken wand had landed at her feet, as if to emphasise she would never now marry the boy-who-lived.
hm... no, still sympathizing with the weasleys more than the protagonists here.
szaleniec1000
Sep. 19th, 2012 02:46 pm (UTC)
that is fucking brilliant. which is more than i can say for the fic that inspired it...

Glad you liked it. As I said, it was a hell of a lot of fun to write. :)

why do so many harry potter fanfic writers not get this? as awful as the neglect of harry by the dursleys was (neglect, not abuse as many like to retcon it as; harry and dr wood are proof positive that neglect is just as horrible as abuse, as ive mentioned on tumblr before), it was necessary from a metaphysical standpoint to build harrys character, and dumbledore had to place him there regardless of their reactions because of the blood protection.

I'm reminded of "a sad story" and Chapter 48 of Deserving. By making the Dursleys worse than they were in canon, they're basically suggesting that Harry's canon experiences were somehow illegitimate, and that's not okay. I have a similar issue with a certain heap of Legend of Korra dreck "Abuse Cycle", which interprets the banter between Mako and Korra in the cartoon as verbal abuse. Much as a lot of Harmonians do with Ron and Hermione. Now that would be bad enough - I question how qualified someone who can't tell the difference between pointed but ultimately friendly banter and abuse is to be talking about abuse at all - but then they bring physical abuse into the picture. Much as a lot of Harmonians (hello, LoPEF) do with Ron and Hermione. My problem with this is that it carries the very definite implication that physical abuse is the only "proper" form of abuse, and verbal abuse is only bad insofar as it leads down that path.

(It also, from what I know about the canon of the cartoon, completely fucks it over. I'm mainly going on zelda_queen's sporking here.)

Dr Wood = the raven from Die Anstalt, yes? I've not played it, but it looks interesting from all you've said on Tumblr. I'll definitely give it a go sometime.

arthur works at the ministry. what business would ginny have to visit hogwarts grounds? if parents and siblings could visit hogwarts any time they pleased, then ginny would have never left the place in her doe-eyed crush on harry.

It's canon that parents and relatives can visit Hogwarts in special occasions and emergencies, but here Molly would surely have just sent them through the Floo, or else put them on the Knight Bus with Percy keeping an eye on them.

for some reason, these paragraphs openers bother me. i cant place why, but i feel like its oversaturation of the sentence structure. like, theyre good on their own with corrected grammar and characterization, but not so close to each other. you get what i mean, szaleniec?

I do see what you mean, yes. It's like (not as bad as, but like) the FFVIII fic I sporked a while back, where every other sentence was some variation of "X did Y a little".

and will the author please stop it with the fucking shoehorned in title drops?!

It's particularly annoying because the first title drop was actually quite effective, but then he just ran it into the ground.

hm... no, still sympathizing with the weasleys more than the protagonists here.

How you know a fanfic is bad: when the characters who it's supposed to be bigging up look worse than the ones it's bashing. See also: The Last War.
taekarado
Sep. 19th, 2012 03:54 pm (UTC)
i am a member of das-sporking myself, so i knew what you meant the instant you said "abuse cycle". oh god, that fic... at least that has the redeeming factor of a steady tone. not necessarily a consistent one, but the decline is somewhat gradual... at least compared to "one second someone loyal to the end, if a little prone to bouts of mistrust, and the next a shit wizard rapist". like you said before, the decline has to be clear, well-paced and above all logical, or else suspension of disbelief snaps like so many rubber bands.

Dr Wood = the raven from Die Anstalt, yes?
got it in one.

It's like (not as bad as, but like) the FFVIII fic I sporked a while back, where every other sentence was some variation of "X did Y a little".
thats actually a huge chunk of what inspired me to be so careful with my own sentence structures, like i believe i mentioned in my comments on chapter 1.
sith_droideka
Sep. 19th, 2012 01:55 am (UTC)
Schooling in America, part 1
Harry and Hermione Potter neared the fabled "Triple N", the premier school of the United Wizarding States of America. The school was vastly different than Hogwarts: the school lay on the coast of Oregon instead of damp Scotland, spires and high walls were replaced with Aztec step pyramids and black metal fences, a massive dome of glass covered forests and jungles, large numbers of smaller buildings dotted the beach, a metal structure flying the Russian flag rose out of the ocean, and a floating structure that appeared to be made out of clouds towered upwards from the largest pyramid. The only thing barring entry into the school, from which the gentle sounds of civilization could be heard, was a small guard post flying four flags. A window next to the entry door housed a security wizard, who was leaning back in his chair and reading a magazine.

"Ahem," Harry said, "my wife and I wish to enter this school."

"We've heard good things about it," Hermione added.

The guard glanced up, and then glanced off to the side, and then looked back up at the couple. "Sezs here you two are expected," he drawled, "go inside and to Flyin' Serpent, it's the big pyramid with the cloud tower. Once inside, y'all find someone to take you to th' good director." He pressed a button and the door opened. The Potters took their first step into a brave new world.

The two walked briskly towards the school, and passed more and more students as they walked by. The student body was mostly Hispanic, with some minorities; most of them had on the usual plain black robes thrown over Muggle clothes or swimsuits. Before long, the Potters had reached the central pyramid.

Up close, it was enormous, easily the size of Hogwarts. The cloud pillar itself stretched upwards into a massive cumulonimbus structure, one dotted with lights and what appeared to be windows.

"Can I help you two?"

Harry and Hermione turned to face the speaker, a frail-looking man with a white goatee and thin glasses. "I said, can I help you?"

"Who are you?" Harry demanded, narrowing his eyes. Was the man trying to steal his wife?

"I'm not trying to steal your girlfriend, Mr. Potter," the man replied. "My name is Leon Trotsky, and the Director asked me to bring you two up to his office once you had arrived."

"Do you work here?" Hermione asked as Trotsky lead them inside the pyramid through a large stone door situated where the stairs should've been. The inside of the pyramid was actually hollow, and absolutely massive. The white blocks of the outside let in sunlight in the inside, and the entry hall alone was packed with activity. Stairs leading upstairs and downstairs were crammed with students, and advertisements in six languages for restaurants, stores, and the library dotted the walls. Perhaps the most striking feature was a large fountain in front of another cloud column, and a dome of water covering the entrance to another large hall.

"The library," Trotsky said, pointing to the dome of water, "and the director," he said, pointing to the column behind the fountain. He lead the couple up to and into the column, where a massive current of air sent the three soaring into the cloud. They landed seconds later in a cloud hallway, at the end of which was a small, dark column.

"Into the column," Trotsky ordered. "You two go on ahead, I need to return to Mexico. I have... pressing engagements."

The couple said curt goodbyes to the communist and stepped into the dark column.
sith_droideka
Sep. 19th, 2012 02:12 am (UTC)
Re: Schooling in America, part 1 (part 2)
"Good morning, Mr. Potter and Miss Granger."

Harry and Hermione looked around the director's office. It was filled with ornate Aztec drawings and pottery; pitch-black knives and cooking utensils hung off the walls. At the center of the room, in front of a gently misting waterfall, was a large black desk covered with neatly organized papers and books. Behind the desk was an old, native-looking man dressed in light blue robes. In his hands he was holding a paper with the seal of Hogwarts prominently printed on it.

"I am Director Quetzalcoatl," the man behind the desk said. He pulled out his wand and flicked it twice, creating two black chairs in front of his desk. "Take care not to cut yourself on the obsidian."

Harry and Hermione took the seats. "We're married, you know," Hermione said.

"Your Ministry nullified your marriage three minutes ago. Even heads of houses have to comply to a minimum age of 16, Mr. Potter," Quetzalcoatl said, tapping a paper on his desk.

"They have no right!" Harry said indignantly. "And I see that you're holding lies from Hogwarts-"

"Witness testimony from at least 300 people is usually not considered a 'lie', Mr. Potter," the Director replied. "Assaulting an innocent woman and her children-"

"She was attacking us!" Hermione protested.

"A Mr. Severus Snape reports that you threw the first spell, and a Mr. Neville Longbottom confirmed this through the use of Pensieve," the Director explained patiently. "Now, I must make this clear: NNN does not accept attempted murderers or felons. Just because you ran away does not change your violent behaviors."

"Oh yeah? I can use magic with my hands!" Harry shouted. He pointed at Quetzalcoatl and shouted "Expecto Patronum!".

Nothing happened. Harry tried again with half a dozen spells; Quetzalcoatl sneezed once, but Harry rather doubted that Cheering Charms were known for that side-effect.

"I think I'll add delusional," the Director said, writing something else down on Harry's paper. "Now, I'll have you know that, as you have no legal family anymore since the mysterious 'accident' that killed the Dursleys, I have decided to have you sent to Child Protective Services. They'll arrive shortly. As for Miss Granger, your parents want you to come home, and now with the creepy boy. And they say that their names are not Dan and Emma, and stop calling them that, Mr. Potter."

Before Harry and Hermione could protest, Trotsky and two Russians stormed into Quetzalcoatl's office and pulled Harry away. Hermione, horrified, did not notice Quetzalcoatl press a necklace into her hand and quickly abandon it. Suddenly, she was back at home.

Quetzalcoatl looked at his paper again. "The next dark lords, always applying," he said, shaking his head. He pressed a button on his desk and said clearly, "send in the next one."

Quetzalcoatl had finished filing his report on Harry and Hermione Potter when a thin, buxom young lady sauntered in.

"So then, Jamie, I'll begin by saying..."
szaleniec1000
Sep. 19th, 2012 02:51 pm (UTC)
Re: Schooling in America, part 1 (part 2)
Very nicely done. I like how you've built on your ideas from the previous comment threads (and the Hogwarts Exposed references...) and seeing these versions of Harry and Hermione getting pwned can never be bad. I've got a vague idea for an ITWATN fixfic of my own bouncing around my head, so watch this space. :)
otakukeith
Sep. 19th, 2012 07:07 am (UTC)
We've had inexplicably!evil!Ron, damsel!Hermione, pureblood supremacy taking over the world even after Voldemort was defeated, time travel to fix what went wrong and now a marriage law. All in the first two chapters of twenty-six. I'm guessing that later in the story, Harry will be framed and sent to Azkaban, allowing his hitherto unknown twin who's the actual Boy Who Lived to take his place, get adopted by Snape and become Head Boy, upon which he hooks up with Hermione (who turns out to be really a pureblood) at the annual Yule Ball and they have lots of rampant sex in the Head Boy and Girl's private quarters, and meanwhile Draco discovers that he's part-Veela and hooks up with an American exchange student who's a newly discovered species of super-witch with an anachronistic taste in clothes and music, and they go off and fight the resurrected Salazar Slytherin together.

In the nude, of course! :P More seriously, I think you've covered all the big fanfic cliches there, well done.

Draco was incensed, didn't Potter know who he was?

He was the Juggernaut, bitch! Also, *facepalm*.

the whole of magical Britain would go berserk at the news the-boy-who-lived was married, and to an eleven-year-old to boot!

Fixed. Something conspicuously absent up to this point is people going "ZOMG you're Harry Potter!", I assume because the author got lazy.

She hoped Albus choked on his infernal lemon drops for forcing Harry to grow up outside their world, "Mr and Mrs Harry Potter!"

Minerva didn't think the dark lord turning up in a tutu could have drawn anymore attention than the young couple walking hand in hand towards her, they squeezed together on the stool as the hat expanded to fit over both their heads.


I just...the stupid, it burns like sulphuric acid. How on earth do they count as married? Never mind the fact that everyone considers them eleven. The sad thing is that you could probably do this scenario well by dealing with the problems they would have to face in this kind of situation, but so far it seems like everyone just accepts the two kiddie twu wuvers.

"oh, btw Ron's now evil lol"

The sad thing is that I wouldn't be surprised to see an author say exactly that.

"Justin and Ernie are worse than the Creevey brothers, at least I can ignore them."

....what? Seriously, what?

"Gryffindor married quarters!"

There's only one explosion sufficient to express my WTF.

(Entire rest of chapter)

I...I have no words. None. Actually, wait, I do. Why did the author even bother sending them to Hogwarts, except to have them belittle everyone he/she doesn't like?
szaleniec1000
Sep. 19th, 2012 03:08 pm (UTC)
I think the only one I missed was the Muggle-born who joins in the fourth or fifth year (depending whether it was written pre-GoF or during the three-year summer) so they can be in the same year as Harry.
szaleniec1000
Sep. 19th, 2012 03:21 pm (UTC)
The sad thing is that I wouldn't be surprised to see an author say exactly that.

The closest I found was this:

Ok, Ron is acting really dumb... but it’s my story. Ron is my least fave character and I make him how I want him to be dumb cuz he is. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 19th, 2012 06:42 pm (UTC)
Well, at least the author had the balls to admit he was writing Ron OOC, unlike a certain other author when it came to his butchering of canon characters.
szaleniec1000
Sep. 19th, 2012 10:27 pm (UTC)
That quote isn't from ITWATN, but just a random one I found on the TVTropes quotes page for Ron the Death Eater.
tony_branston
Sep. 19th, 2012 10:24 pm (UTC)
I've checked the author's own page, and I'm getting a pretty pretentious vibe from it.

Also this
"[...]and I love to see the good guys win. Spending hour upon hour reading a story only to be left gutted by the ending is not my idea of fun. You only have to turn on the news for a daily dose of reality, fan fiction is my preferred method of escape from that.[...]All my stories will tend to be a mixture of action, adventure and romance with the occasional bit of comedy thrown in before we get to the happy ending."

EDIT: For those of you who venture further on his profile...I'm not reassured.

Edited at 2012-09-19 10:25 pm (UTC)
zelda_queen
Sep. 20th, 2012 02:53 am (UTC)
Yeah. And this:

"I have real difficulty understanding Jo's interpretation of Albus Dumbledore in the second half of the series. On the one hand he's this all knowing, all powerful, benevolent force for good. On the other hand, he really doesn't help Harry much and continually uses him to his own ends. Umbridge and Slughorn being only two examples of the not helping and using scenarios."

Um, how does giving Harry many memories of Voldemort's past (thus giving Harry insight into Voldemort's character, which HELPS HIM WIN AT THE END), telling him about the horcruxes, taking him to find the locket, leaving Gryffindor's sword for horcrux-destroying purposes, and giving Snape instructions on how to give Harry help when Dumbledore was dead NOT HELPING?

And I don't get the Umbridge and Slughorn additions. Dumbledore had no choice at all in Umbridge being there. That was the point. The Ministry was taking advantage and limiting his power. As for Slughorn, I'd hardly call outright telling Harry "I'm going to need you to be friends with this guy and get a valuable memory from him, or we're all sunk?" "using" him? Harry was told what he was doing, and could have refused if he wanted to.
szaleniec1000
Sep. 21st, 2012 06:52 pm (UTC)
As it happens, I've just finished rereading Order of the Phoenix and in Chapter 37 he explains everything he's done so far and why. You can certainly argue that his actions weren't perfect, and he's the first to admit it himself, but this author seems to be bashing him for not acting with the benefit of hindsight.
zelda_queen
Sep. 23rd, 2012 03:42 pm (UTC)
Which, sadly, is par for the course in the HP fandom, it seems. (Exhibit A: Rose Potter)
szaleniec1000
Sep. 23rd, 2012 03:53 pm (UTC)
And The Last War's passing swipe at Dumbledore amid all the ham-fisted Weasley bashing, too.
Jeremiah Smith
Sep. 23rd, 2012 04:49 pm (UTC)
Passing swipe?
szaleniec1000
Sep. 23rd, 2012 04:52 pm (UTC)
This one in Chapter 4:

"The Chateau de Noir. It's the Black family home in France, where the Blacks went to get away from the world. I found out about it after digging through some old family records, but apparently Dumbledore didn't tell me about it after Sirius died."
"Yes well, that's hardly new, isn't it? There were a lot of things that Dumbledore didn't feel like telling us. Things that would have made a huge bloody difference."
"True," Harry replied. In the years since Dumbledore's death his affection for the man had cooled considerably. "Nevertheless, the Chateau de Noir would be perfect for us. It would get us out of the country – "
szaleniec1000
Sep. 23rd, 2012 05:26 pm (UTC)
Oh, and the "inappropriate hindsight" thing can also be seen in Marauders fics and their attitude towards Peter. Everyone always seems to know that he's bad news, to the point that one can't help wondering how James and Lily ever trusted him enough to make him their Secret-Keeper.
boy_koko
Sep. 22nd, 2012 01:38 am (UTC)
Firstly, how do you politely ignore someone's questions? Isn't the nature of that beast rude? Wouldn't being polite be giving them some sort of response?
Second, the whole cursing thing. Yeah. I think that can either work with you or against you. I often find myself writing characters that would use cursing as ordinary, everyday words (such as sailors, rural folks, ect). Even then, you can overdo it. When your characters say "fuck" every two seconds it kind of makes the word look not so taboo (which can be okay with the right situations). If you're doing it wrong, it makes you look fourteen. Not to mention sometimes it gets repetitive and boring.
This guy reminds me of my like fourteen-year-old self. Angry and uses "fuck" every two seconds because it is So Cool and Adult and shit. Look, I know redheads don't have souls just as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to write thousands of words about it for serious. Hell, I don't even understand the Weasley hate anyway. Why are you putting all this effort into hating a fictional character?
szaleniec1000
Sep. 23rd, 2012 03:11 pm (UTC)
Hermione has quite a short temper yet she only swears once, mildly, when she's as angry as she ever gets in the entire series. I mean, Ron is amazed when she even says "Merlin's pants". (And speaking of Ron, she also chides him when he swears.) I can't buy her saying "fuck" without far, far more character development than this author gives her.
undying_embers
May. 22nd, 2013 08:14 pm (UTC)
So apparently Voldemort is still alive but Harry is no longer a Horcrux. Or something.

A damn shame. Maybe then the goblins could force feed him to a pig and roast it.

Edited at 2013-05-22 08:18 pm (UTC)
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