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Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 19

Hogwarts Exposed: Hooch: om nom nom
Chapter 19 is entitled "Nothing to Brag About". Unfortunately, this turns out to be a half-baked nob joke rather than a reference to the writing.

"I can't believe he'd do that to me," Emily sobbed, as Caitlin updated her with all that Randy and Matt had overheard. "Are they positive it was Tyler?
Caitlin looked incredulously at her 'sister' and shook her head with frustration. "No they're not positive," Caitlin said, her voice filling with irritation. "They didn't actually see his face. It could have been two other boys. I imagine you've posed for nude pictures with dozens of boys in this school that have a brother that wants to see you expelled and your life ruined."

I'm not sure how exactly distributing honest-to-goodness child pornography around the school is meant to get the victim expelled. Especially considering this is Exposed!Hogwarts, where you can try to kill someone in front of the entire school and it won't get you so much as a detention. On the very minor upside, Caitlin seems to be helping with the sporking. Oh, and by the way, since they're actually adopted by this point I think we can lose the scare quotes.

"I really thought he liked me," Emily mumbled, ignoring Caitlin's outburst, seeming to be in a trance. "How could he do something like that?"
"It easy when you're a low life creep," Caitlin responded. "The prat has evidently been setting you up since the first week of school."

A sure way to tell someone's in dire need of a Britpicker is when they try to make slang words do things they don't. A prat is someone who's silly or annoying, not someone who's trying to ruin your life.

"How can he hate me so? I've never been anything but nice to him." Emily turned to Caitlin, tears now filling her eyes. "I liked him. I really liked him a lot."
Caitlin put her arms around Emily and pulled her into a hug. "I know," said Caitlin understandingly.

This isn't quite in "I love you," he said lovingly territory, but can see it on a clear day.

Sunday, January 2, 2005 4:00 AM
Ginny felt like she was going crazy. If anyone saw her parading around the halls of the staff quarters at this time of the morning, in her slippers and nightdress, they would think likewise.

I'm surprised the sun hasn't begun to rise, given this author's track record.

Ginny grew up in a crowded house. She was used to noise and activity. She hated being by herself, but worse, she hated the feeling of being unloved and unwanted. Last summer she had both Draco and Severus vying for her attention, and now she had only solitude.

I think canon!Ginny would probably take solitude over being fought over by Draco and Snape.

She stopped in front of the Headmaster's quarters. Did I make the wrong choice? He loved me, and I cared for him. We could have been happy together. If only I could have gotten damn Draco out of my head. What is it about him? Why can't I let go?
The door opening and Katie Bell stepping into the corridor interrupted Ginny's thoughts. Ginny's presence went unnoticed until the door closed, and then Katie jumped backward, startled.
At first both women froze, speechless. Ginny gawked at Katie, who was clothed only in a tiny, revealing, panty-less teddy.
"What were you doing in there?" Ginny asked naively. "Dressed like that?"

Naively is right, and again I'm forced to wonder whether the author's subconscious has switched sides and is now sporking the bloody thing right alongside me. She's just come out of the headmaster's quarters in the small hours of the morning wearing no knickers; incidentally, for all I rant about posers overusing the word "knickers" in the hope that it lends Brit-cred to their otherwise blatantly American dialogue and narration, it's infinitely more likely to be used in the UK than "panties".

Katie just looked incredulously at Ginny. "Spending quality time with a wonderful man who deserves to be loved, not hurt," Katie said boldly.

"He wasn't in, so I did HE!Snape instead."

"Are you two a couple?" Ginny asked, trying to convince her mind that this was reality and not just a bad dream.

I can just feel the tension, conflict and disbelief going through... oh, wait, no I can't.

"No," Katie answered piteously. "I'm just the substitute, but I'm available for the fulltime position if he can ever bring himself to trust a woman again."

Don't worry: he's still got plenty of his former students left.

Katie turned to walk away and then stopped. "You have no idea how much he loved you, do you? Or how much you hurt him? Or do you just not care?"

Nor do we, because for all this fic spreads the POV around so readily we don't get a real idea of who any of the characters actually are, the author has never seen fit to even attempt to show us how Snape himself feels about his sleazy excuse for a love life. Except that apparently he's incapable of saying no to Katie when she makes the offer, and it's never said why. Given this author's lack of subtlety and tendency to tell rather than show, even "Katie was amazing and he loved her" (or "Katie was fit and he wanted to shag her") would have been better than nothing.

"Don't presume to tell me how to manage my life!" Ginny said angrily. "I think the world of Severus." She hesitated. "I just had a choice to make and he…"
"He was expendable because you had Draco Malfoy and his Slytherin tongue ready to satisfy you," Katie interrupted.

As opposed to Snape's entirely non-Slytherin tongue. Wait, what?

"I don't know Draco that well, but I doubt he could ever love you as much as Severus did. Sod it! Still does!"
Katie paced momentarily not sure she wanted to come clean to Ginny. She took a deep breath. "More than once, he has called me by your name in the heat of passion," she said.

This would have been more effective if we'd been shown it rather than had it secondhand, like so many other things in Hogwarts Exposed. However, that would require this author to write a sex scene, which doesn't bear thinking about.

"If you walked in there now and told him that you loved him, we'd be history."
Katie looked threateningly at Ginny. "I only tell you this because I love him and want to see him happy. But I swear that if you hurt him again, I'll hex you from here to hell and back. I know I love him," Katie said, passion showing in her eyes, "and I can live with being a second choice. Don't you dare go back to him unless you're absolutely convinced and have every intention to remain with him the balance of your life."

I'll give the author this: at least he wasn't using "momentarily" to mean "soon". He was, however, using "balance" to mean "remainder" and we all know what that means:

MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 47

Ginny turned and looked at the door to Severus' quarters. All she had to do was knock and he would take her in his arms. She would no longer be alone. Then she thought of Draco. Tears came to her eyes, and she collapsed sobbing to the floor.

I like how Snape hasn't noticed any of this commotion going on right outside his door.

Hermione opened the door just enough to see who was knocking. "Amanda, you're back," she said with pleasure. "Just wait a moment please while I slip something on."
"It's not necessary, but if you'd feel more comfortable," Amanda said. "I've grown rather accustomed to female nudity living with Jamie, and I know you like to be nude in the privacy of your quarters, but I can understand if as a professor you'd prefer not to be seen by one of your students."

Because even a serious conversation about the repercussions of Amanda's pregnancy has time to pontificate in full AHEDV about nudity. The other main thrust of the conversation is that Amanda is unhappy, and I'm going to keep a running count of how many times the author tells us this.

Amanda couldn't help but for a split second gaze at her professor. "You're beautiful Professor Granger. Jamie told me that you both had identical figures and you do." Amanda paused. "Well, you look like you would if you weren't pregnant. Actually, right now I guess we have that in common."

We already know that Jamie is a dead ringer for Hermione, by way of the stupidest of coincidences, so why we need to be told again is anyone's guess.

"Do you have any idea when the baby is due?" Hermione asked, getting the subject off her figure.
"I think either late May or early June," Amada answered. "Conception took place on September fourth."
"You're positive of the date?" Hermione asked. "Because that's when Harry and I conceived. We'll likely deliver within a few days of each other."

And yet somehow Hermione is showing but Amanda isn't. This is of course possible, but really needs the story to acknowledge it because the characters themselves should notice the difference. Also, if you're going to put the date into words, it's "the fourth of September" because they're British.

"It was definitely the fourth," Amanda repeated sorrowfully. [One!] "It was the only time we ever had sex."

Way, way back we were told that Hermione had been made the equivalent of the head of pastoral care at Hogwarts, because Hermione Granger is so clearly suited to that job, so it's not quite as WTF as it could be to have a student talking to her about sex. However, since that aspect of her work hasn't actually come up in the story yet (hell, her work has barely come up in the story) it still looks dodgy.

"You only did it that once?" Hermione shook her head sadly. "It doesn't seem quite fair. Some women try so hard to have a child and can't. You most certainly didn't want one at this time in your life, and it only took that once."

Of course, the real reason for the law of inverse fertility is that it provides more conflict to have someone who's pregnant but doesn't want to be, or does want to be but can't. To have the characters actually point out that it's in effect can work, but only in a story that makes far better use of metafiction than this one.

"Yeah! Lucky me," Amanda replied, disgruntled. [Two!]
"Why don't we go have a seat in the kitchen, and I'll get you something to drink," Hermione suggested. "Then you can tell me how your meeting went with your parents and what course of action you've planned."
Amanda followed her professor to the kitchen and sat looking forlorn [Three!] as Hermione got them each a beverage and performed a chilling charm.

The Cruciatus Curse? That's pretty chilling, and there's no shortage of people in this fic who could do with it. I like how what they're drinking is never actually specified, because the author needed the space to tell us repeatedly that Amanda is still as miserable as she was at the beginning of the scene.

"Smile, Amanda," Hermione said as she put her hand on the girl's shoulder. "I know you're not happy to be pregnant, [Four!] but it's not the end of the world."
"Maybe not if you have a wonderful job and you're married to your true love," Amanda said, looking enviously at Hermione, "but if you're sixteen and about to be kicked out of school, it sure seems that way."
"Yes, I imagine it does," Hermione said. "I can't envision what I would have done if I had been in your position at sixteen. You getting kicked out of school, however, is something that is not about to happen- assuming you desire to remain here."
"I would like to stay in school," Amanda answered emphatically, "but according to both my parents and Tony's, there is little chance of that happening. They doubt the Board of Governors would allow a female student to remain in school once visibly pregnant; which I most certainly will be soon."

The same Board of Governors who don't mind the students trying to kill each other are going to expel someone for being pregnant, apparently. In any case, school governors can't unilaterally expel a pupil: that decision rests initially with the head, who then passes it to the governors for the final say. That's not to say that governors can't put pressure on a head to expel a troublesome pupil, but we all know that HE!Snape isn't going to go against our sainted protagonists.

"That is a ridiculous policy. I'm going to be as visibly pregnant as you, and I'm allowed to teach. Do the governors feel the other girls will be jealous and all want to become pregnant?" Hermione asked sarcastically.
"I doubt it," Amanda said dejectedly. [Five!] "If anything, I'd think it would cause others to abstain or at the least be more careful. You'd think my being there would act as a deterrent."
"My views exactly," Hermione agreed.

Now this definitely is in "I love you," he said lovingly territory. In what universe is "my views exactly" not an expression of agreement?

"Now all I have to do is convince the Headmaster and, in turn, the Board of Governors. Are you going to keep the baby or give it up for adoption?"
"A combination of both," Amanda said issuing a faint smile. "Really it would be crazy for Tony and me to consider getting married at our young age and trying to raise a baby. Both sets of parents were vehemently against that." Amanda shrugged her shoulders. "Deep down, I guess I have to agree with them. Tony and I don't have an idyllic relationship to begin with; the odds would be stacked against us."
Amanda glanced at Hermione dismally. [Six!] "I'm not even sure he'll be allowed to continue seeing me. His dad really reamed him out for being so naively careless. I don't think it helped any that I'm from Gryffindor," she added bleakly. [Seven!]

How significant Hogwarts houses are to people who've left Hogwarts is very open to interpretation and probably varies by individual characters, but I've seen so many fics where they're the be-all and end-all of wizarding society that I'm frankly sick of it.

"If your love is strong, it will keep you together," Hermione said, encouragingly. "If not, then its better you find out now."
Amanda nodded her head half-heartedly. "My Mum is going to raise the baby. My parents always wanted another child, but were unable to conceive. I guess my child will sort of be the little son or daughter that Mum could never have."
"But eventually you do intend to let the child know that you and Tony are the real mother and father?" Hermione questioned.

No, the plan is for everything to be revealed when the kid grows up and yells "You ain't my mother!" at her in the middle of an argument.

"Actually, right from the beginning. I'll be known as Mum, but my parents will do most of the upbringing."
"Then if we can manage to keep you in school, this situation won't turn out as awfully as you expected," Hermione said, trying to be positive.
"I guess not," Amanda answered, still looking rather glum. [Eight!] "But I'm afraid that's a big if. I'm not exactly getting any smaller."

So she is showing but nobody's noticed yet? Though given the self-centred haze the entire HE cast walk around in, that's hardly surprising.

Monday, January 3, 2005
Emily was able to spend most of the weekend in the faculty quarters and thus avoid Tyler, but with the recommencement of classes on Monday,

Wait, what? The classes are starting today, and yet the the teachers were up in the middle of the night fighting over who gets to shag the headmaster after one of them was implied to have been doing just that until 4 am? Either the author has made a bollocks of his continuity again, or the teachers are bigger dysfunctional fuckups than their students. Which can work very well indeed, but relies on them being likeable and identifiable and the story recognising that they're dysfunctional fuckups, and (perhaps most importantly) actually suffering the appropriate consequences. If Snape had agonised over whether he should have an affair with one of his subordinates and then either backed away (with all the angst that entails) or gone ahead with it and lost the credibility of the rest of his staff or even been hauled up for misconduct... it would still have been OOC because Snape, but better than what we got.

it was just a matter of time before their paths eventually crossed. After all, they were in the same house, had all their classes together, and Tyler had no knowledge that he was a marked man.
Had Tyler known that Emily was aware of his deception, he probably would have given her a wide berth, but he didn't and, therefore, walked right up to her and Kim before the start of Potions class.
"Hi," he said awkwardly. "I was looking for you all weekend." He seemed to be stumbling for words. "We have to talk."
"You are the last person on earth that I want to talk to!" Emily practically screamed.
Suddenly everyone in the class was staring in their direction.

And all going to wonder what's going on, which is exactly what she wants when she's got an embarrassing secret. Nice work, genius.

She turned and started to head for her seat, but Tyler reached out and grabbed her arm. He had instantly realized that somehow she was aware of his digression.

The author, on the other hand, is rarely aware of his digressions.

Kim could see it coming. Emily face was crimson. The anger, rage and hurt that had been building all weekend peeked. Emily turned, her eyes hurling daggers at Tyler. Kim expected Emily to slap Tyler, but she didn't. Instead, she clenched her fist and socked him squarely in the face. Caught off guard, Tyler fell to his knees and brought his hands to his face, his nose broken and bleeding.
"What have we here?" Professor Malfoy asked as he slammed the dungeon door. "A lover's spat?"
"Definitely not lovers," Emily snarled. "Not in this lifetime."
Malfoy's lip curled into a sneer. "Perhaps neither of you bothered to take notice, but this is the Potions dungeon and not a boxing arena," he snapped. "As much as it pains me to deduct points from my own house, you have each caused Slytherin the loss of ten points."
"But Professor," Emily started to plea.
"Silence!" Malfoy shouted. "You have already wasted enough of our valuable class time. Bancroft, go see Madam Pomfrey and have her realign your snout. Miss Zacherley, since you were obviously the aggressor, I feel two nights detention is in order. Perhaps Mr. Filch can find a less combative use for your hands."

Draco thinks he's canon!Snape here. Well, someone has to be now actual Snape has been turned into a simpering pseudo-ephebophilic wanker. Note that this is the first time we see anyone get into actual trouble for anything in this fic; Dick the dick might have been manoeuvred out of his position on the Quidditch team, but never faced any official sanction for trying to kill someone in front of the entire school.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005
"Oh! My!" Hermione cried as she read the Daily Prophet headline.
"What is it?" Harry asked with unease.

"The whole world has been eaten by the FPODD!"

"There's been another terrorist attack attributed to that so called Great One," she answered. "It was at the Ministry of Magic. This time it seems they were actually hoping to kill Minister Wrong. The Minister had only just departed the scene of the bombing minutes before it was detonated. Harry, the poor woman might have been murdered."

They don't know who the Great One is at this point, even though she's the only person they ever suspected. I think she's able to maintain her cover by the misunderstanding caused when the investigators try to tell their supervisors that the Great One is Wrong.

"Is there going to be another war Harry?" Hermione asked tentatively.
"I'm not sure," Harry said. "This Great One doesn't seem to have a legion of followers like Voldemort did, but then, neither did he at first. But Voldemort did have an agenda that appealed to purebloods. He wanted to purify the wizard world of Muggle blood. The Great One seems to simply want to rule our world as a dictator, but other than that, has no program that would entice followers."

Apart from simply being Voldemort Mark II complete with all the same old pureblood supremacy shit. Recall that Hermione was kidnapped, tortured and monologued at by the Great One's right-hand man; you might recall this, but she doesn't because the author read STNE and thought the whole "gets captured by unknown forces, loses memory" thing looked like a good idea. Which it was there, because it provided the central question driving the characters and the readers: who took Harry and why, and what does this mean? The main role of the amnesia here seems to be to drag out the story, because otherwise even the sad shadow of her canon self that is HE!Hermione would have been able to figure out who was behind the plot and get them arrested by now.

Harry smiled. "None of us is totally safe from this type of conflict, but it is good to know that you and your family are at no more peril than anyone else. Speaking of conflict, what time do you meet with Severus about Amanda?"

HE!Snape and conflict don't inhabit the same universe.

"Hermione, please have a seat," Severus offered graciously as Hermione entered his office. "How are you feeling? The baby isn't giving you any problems?
"I'm fine, except for feeling slightly on the large side," she grinned.

With all the WTFery of Hogwarts Exposed, sometimes it's refreshing just to rant about bad dialogue tags. It hardly needs pointing out any more, but you cannot grin a sentence.

"You still look lovely," Severus said truthfully. "Now what can I do for you?"
"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about pregnancy," Hermione offered.

This exchange is fantastic out of context. In fact, I'm going to WTFFanfiction it.

"Would you prefer if I took a leave of absence until after the baby was born?
Severus looked thunderstruck at Hermione. "Only if you're feeling ill or you find your schedule too tiring," he responded, surprised by the question.

We know he's surprised by the fact that he's thunderstruck. When you've established a fact, you don't have to keep restating it in slightly different ways for as long as it holds true in case we somehow forget over the course of one line of dialogue.

Severus laughed. "Hermione, you are an exceedingly popular professor, and I'm sure that many of your student desire to follow in your footsteps. I doubt, however, that scores of young girls will suddenly have a desire to be pregnant simply because someone they admire is. Give your students more credit. They can see the countless negatives of teenage pregnancy."

The rare sight of someone being sensible in Hogwarts Exposed.

"Then you would agree that seeing one of their peers pregnant would act as more of a deterrent than an incitement to students to have sex?" Hermione questioned.
Severus stared intently at Hermione. "We're no longer talking about you, are we?" He asked.
"No," Hermione stated. "Amanda Pierce is pregnant; she's having a baby about the same time as me. She understands how important a good quality education is and wants to remain a student at Hogwarts. I promised her that I would fight for her before the Board of Governors."
Hermione looked hopefully at Severus. "Will you be standing with me or against me?"
Severus gave Hermione a wink. "I'll be by your side," he said receptively.

Now there's a totally unsurprising development.

January brought with it raw, biting winds and exceedingly cold temperatures. Gryffindor played Ravenclaw a week after the start of term. Although the Ravenclaw chasers had positioned their team well in the lead, Jamie was able to catch the snitch, securing a win for Gryffindor.

The author apparently doesn't like writing Quidditch, and that's painfully obvious.

Sunday, February 6, 2005
"I realize you liked Tyler a lot, but don't you think its time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and did something about thwarting him and his brother from getting that film developed," Kim asked as she, Caitlin and Emily studied in the Potter quarters.

There's a thing. Why exactly is Dick the dick sitting on the camera? Why didn't he just take it to be developed as soon as possible? We know that he's no stranger to sneaking out of school, after all. Except that we don't because Exposed Chapter 23 didn't happen.

"We know where he has the camera hidden," Kim said calmly. "Let's just go get it."
"Are you suggesting that we sneak into the sixth-year boy's dorm and steal the camera," Emily asked aghast.
"Of course not," Kim replied. "It would be wrong to pilfer his camera." Kim reached in her book bag and pulled out a fresh roll of camera film and started tossing it in the air. "I'm only suggesting we switch film."

The pics were taken on New Year's Eve and it's taken until the 6th February for it to occur to one of these supposed geniuses that they could steal the camera or switch the film.

"How are you two going to avoid being seen?" Caitlin asked, seemingly jealous that she couldn't be a part of the adventure.

Seemingly to whom?

"It almost makes me wish I was in Slytherin house so I could help."
"But you can help," Kim said with conviction as she looked at Emily. "Didn't you say that Professor Potter had an invisibility cloak and that you were allowed to use it?"
Caitlin eyes practically burst from her head. "I think I'm finally understanding why you were sorted into Slytherin," she said excitedly. "That is a cunning idea."



"Shall we do it then?" Emily said grabbing the invisibility cloak and heading for the door.
Kim laughed nervously, as she followed in Emily and Caitlin's tracks. "Haven't you guys forgotten something," she said anxiously. "We're nude. Don't you think it might be prudent to dress before we journey off into the castle."

This scene hasn't filled its nudity quota, evidently. I'd normally complain that the nudity wasn't established in the first place, but with Emily and Caitlin it hardly needs to be.

"Where's you sense of adventure?" Emily asked.
Kim muttered something about it being quite enough adventure to slip into the boy's dorm, yet alone doing it nude, but neither Emily nor Caitlin seemed to hear her protests.

What wonderful friends she's got there.

They merely guided her under the cloak and departed the safe haven of the faculty quarters.
The girls made it down to the marble staircase and then to the main floor of the castle without any unpleasant incidents. They were just passing the huge, oak front door as it flew open allowing a cold wind to enter the castle. The wind caught them by surprise and practically blew the cloak out of their grasp. Fortunately they were able to hold on and cover themselves again before anyone caught sight of the naked trio.

See, this kind of thing might have occurred to them before venturing out naked with only a loose piece of magical cloth to hide them. If they were half as smart as the author wants us to think, they might have realised that it's not a good idea to rely on there being no wind in Scotland in February.

They hurried down the stones steps toward the labyrinth of dark passages that led to the Slytherin common room. Luckily the passages were deserted, so no one heard Kim's incessant complaining that her bare feet were cold.

She's such a terrible person for being uncomfortable walking on a cold stone floor with nothing on her feet.

Emily was about to give the password when Caitlin suddenly muffed Emily's mouth

Wait, I thought that didn't happen until Chapter 22.

with her hand.

Oh, right.

"We can't go in," Caitlin whispered.
"Sure we can," Kim quickly responded. "There is no portrait, like at your entrance, to see that we are not an embodied voice. All we have to do is say the password."
"But what if someone, from inside, sees the stone door slide open? Won't it cause suspicion when no one enters?" Caitlin asked.

They're in Hogwarts, for fuck's sake. Stranger things than that happen all the time. The door opening by itself could be a ghost, or a house-elf, or Peeves (where the hell's he been in Hogwarts Exposed, anyway?) playing a prank.

They waited and then they waited some more. After what seemed like an hour, the girls finally heard what sounded like footsteps. It was a solitary individual who was shuffling along at a slow pace. Emily nearly gasped aloud when Tyler turned the corner and approached them. He looked terribly forlorn as he mumbled blood traitor and waited for a stone door, concealed in the wall, to slide open.

Yes, the password is "blood traitor". Now this doesn't make sense on any level. Even assuming that the kinder, gentler, more tolerant neo-Slytherin was stuck with passwords on the theme of pureblood supremacy because that's what the door was programmed for, why would the password refer to something the ideology considered to be deeply undesirable? So anyway, they find the sixth-year boys' dormitory and search it:

Caitlin pulled the door ajar and stood tensely listening and watching for the slightest indication of someone approaching. Meanwhile, Kim and Emily started looking at items on top of the dressers, hoping for a hint as to the owner.
"Emily, I think this is his," Kim said excitedly, as she spied a wrist bracelet, engraved, Richard A. Bancroft.

You don't say.

"I wonder what the 'A' stands for."
"That's easy," Emily said with a laugh. "Arsehole."

Emily is a magnificent wit. Or at least a magnificent halfwit.

"What's wrong," Emily asked, seeing the revolted expression on Kim's face.
"That's probably the drawer. I saw some socks and boxers, but I'm not opening it again," Kim said, looking like she was about to heave.
"Why?" Emily inquired.
"I think he recycles his socks and boxers," Kim said disgustingly. "I'll puke if I open it again."

Oh, for fuck's sake. Just give him a twirly moustache and have done with it. I know nine-year-olds who can write more convincing villains than this guy. Apart from anything else, it doesn't fit his characterisation as a snobbish pureblood supremacist. The kind of person Dick the dick has been implied to be is exactly the kind of person who'd consider behaviour like that to be a disgrace to his pure bloodline; it'd make far more sense for him to have the opposite problem and be a vain, preening tosser.

"Let me do it then," Emily said bravely as she squeezed her nose shut and then picked up a quill off the dresser. She slowly opened the drawer as Kim turned away. Emily used the quill to move the contents of the drawer about. Finally as her face was beginning to turn purple from a lack of oxygen, she saw the camera in the back-left-corner.

How can she see her own face?

Kim had just finished reloading the camera, when Caitlin shut the door and ran toward her and Emily. "Someone is coming," she cried terrified.
The girls exchanged panic-stricken looks, then threw the Invisibility Cloak back over themselves and retreated into a corner. They stood holding each other, trying not to make a sound, as the door slowly opened.
"Who the hell does that girl think she is?" Bancroft growled maliciously. "Insinuating that I need a shower."
"Don't pay her any mind, Dick," Dennis Crow said in his normal sycophantic fashion. "She's one of those girls who thinks she is better than anyone else. Probably thinks her farts smell like roses."
"Yeah, I shouldn't let it bother me," Bancroft said, as he sniffed each armpit. "It's just that she had to open her big trap in front of Zacherley and those other Gryffindor pansies."

Considering we're told he hates her and he tried to kill her, Dick the dick seems very... interested in Jamie. Every time we've seen him talking about her, he's worried about what she thinks about him, or else going on about her not-so-private bits. Even when he disses her, he raises things like rescuing a drowning kid from the lake. (Though he had a point about her risking her life for the kid's doll.) And he was very keen on seeing her naked in Exposed Chapter 23.

He sniffed his armpit once more. "I just took a shower on Friday. I don't think I smell, but maybe I should take another anyway."
Crow lifted his arm, took a deep breath and nodded his head. "Yeah, I guess it wouldn't hurt if I took one, too."
The girls watched as Bancroft and Crow slowly began to shed their clothes. Emily and Caitlin could literally feel Kim shaking between them.

This use of "literally" isn't quite as bad as it could be. Now I'm still going to increment the counter:

LITERALLY COUNT: 32

... but in this situation it does kind of work as an intensifier. It's still not ideal, but next to how ridiculous some of the other thirty-one were it's almost good.

Emily's attention was fixed on Bancroft. Not that she was in anyway attracted to him, but because he had just opened the drawer in which the camera has been concealed. What if he noticed it was missing? Who would he blame?
Dick first removed his robes and next his shoes. As he took off his socks, he sniffed them and then tossed them in the drawer. Next he removed his shirt and pants and tossed them on the bed.
Kim's head kept bobbing back and forth between the two boys as if she were watching a tennis match.

Or the POV.

"Did you enjoy the show?" Caitlin asked.
"Truthfully, no," Kim said rather disappointedly. "I thought there would be more to see."
"More what?" Emily asked, confused.
"I'm always reading about men comparing size and well… Neither of them had much to brag about," Kim answered honestly.

See what I mean? Half-baked nob joke. How does the author expect us to take these lads seriously as antagonists? If he'd intended to make Dick the dick a comic relief villain from the outset, he wouldn't have made him commit attempted murder and child pornography. I just want to know what her basis for comparison is, considering that I doubt she's actually seen one before.

Emily laughed. "Spend vacation with us at a nudist resort and you will learn that part of the male anatomy comes in endless sizes.

Especially in fanfic.

They scurried over to Dick's dresser and then held their noses as Emily used the quill to once again lift the items at the rear of the draw. Instead of replacing the camera, however, Kim hesitated, and then urged the girls toward the door to the showers.
"I have an idea," Kim said, perkily. "Quick! Let's put the Invisibility Cloak on and sneak into the shower room."
Caitlin held back, wanting instead to make their getaway, but Emily urged her to let Kim have another look. It wasn't another look that interested Kim. She peaked in the room to find both boys with their backs to the door and then hustled Emily and Caitlin quickly inside.
Before Emily realized what was transpiring, Kim had the camera to her eye and was snapping pictures. She didn't stop until the entire film was exposed, and then she herded Emily and Caitlin to the door. They replaced the camera and then hurried out of the dorm, only pausing to laugh once they reached the hallway outside the Fifth-Year dorm.
"Kim, you are evil," Emily laughed, embracing her best friend.

Okay, this actually isn't too bad as a way of foiling their evil scheme. Or at least wouldn't be too bad if it remotely fit the tone of this subplot: you don't resolve a storyline about the horrors of child pornography with wacky comedy hijinks.

Wednesday, February 9, 2005
"Hermione, do you remember Harry warning Alex on New Years Eve not to carry his wand in his back pocket" Jamie asked indecisively.
"Yes," Hermione answered at first unconcernedly, but then quickly becoming extremely panicky. "He didn't do it, did he?" she exclaimed in shock. "I mean lose his buttocks?"
"No," Jamie responded with a laugh, "but as angry as his parents are, he might well wish he had. He broke it; snapped it right in two. I tried using the Reparo spell, but it had no affect."

We know abosolutely nothing about Alex's parents. We don't even know if they're wizards or Muggles. All we now know is they're prone to irrational rage over silly accidents. And the foreshadowing would actually have worked if, instead of the author effectively yelling, "Hey, guys, this turn of events was totally foreshadowed!" we'd instead just had the scene of Alex sitting on his wand. Which in turn foreshadows the scene of Jamie sitting on his wand in Chapter 22.

Hermione shook her head. "It wouldn't," she said. "That spell can only repair non-magical items. Magical items require a much stronger spell, but wands unfortunately are beyond repair."
"Alex even tried repairing it with Spell-o tape, but that was just a waste of good tape," Jamie added.
"I hope he didn't try casting any spells," Hermione said concernedly. "Ron tried repairing his wand with tape in our second year, but the results were rather disastrous."

Yes, I have read Chamber of Secrets. I know how this goes.

"He was afraid to use it," Jamie admitted. "It kept emitting sparks. Anyway, once his parents calmed down, they agreed to buy him a new wand, but he has to go get it because the wand must select him."
Hermione didn't speak, but nodded her head in agreement.

I hate this fic.

"Alex has special permission from the Headmaster to take the early morning train to London on Saturday, go to Diagon Alley and then take the afternoon train home. That's two very long, boring train rides." Jamie looked at Hermione hopefully. "Do you think it would be possible for me to accompany him?" she asked imploringly.

Or he could just use Floo powder. Why does the Hogwarts Express even run in the middle of term? We sometimes have people who need to go to London for whatever reason during term, like this, and we also apparently have Snape off to have dirty weekends with his former students, but how is there enough demand to justify a regular train service?

"I don't see why not," Hermione answered, smiling.

If you know how to use participles that way, there's no excuse ever to have anyone smile a sentence.

Friday, February 11, 2005
I wish I was an Animagus," Kim said seriously as she and Emily headed for dinner.

Considering how many Animagi run around in Hogwarts Exposed, she could probably learn the spell in an afternoon.

"If I were a fly, I could follow Bancroft into Hogsmeade tomorrow," Kim responded. "I'd give anything to see his face when he sees those finished prints."
"I just hope he orders the posters before he sees the prints," Emily said, with a chuckle. "Imagine him trying to tear life-size posters into tiny unrecognizable pieces."
"One of his parts is already rather tiny and unrecognizable," Kim said with a giggle.

An eleven-year-old girl being so obsessed with a sixteen-year-old boy's willy is not funny. It's very, very disturbing. Anyway, they decide to follow Dick the dick and Crow (Crooooow!) to Hogsmeade under the Invisibility Cloak:

Kim stopped before entering the Great Hall, her eyes almost pleading. "Emily it's freezing outside. Please tell me that we're going to wear boots and clothes tomorrow."
"Where's your sense of adventure?" Emily joked. "Certainly we're going to wear clothes. Caitlin and I are nudists, not masochists."

They only run around naked outdoors in April. February is completely different. Cut to Wrong and Hooch discussing the attack on the Ministry over tea and nipples:

"Most wizardkind is as credulous as Muggles," Hooch replied. "You, however, had me greatly alarmed when you were late leaving the Ministry."
"Yes, I couldn't shake that insipid Percy Weasley," Emma Wrong responded. "Every time our paths cross, he inundates me with trifling questions. I respect someone who desires to get ahead in life, but he is simply an unadulterated arse-kisser."
"Tell me," Emma inquired, "what do you have planned as an encore?"

Why have we got a close quote and a completely new paragraph with a completely new dialogue tag for the same speaker? That looks like she's talking to herself. This would be better:

"Yes, I couldn't shake that insipid Percy Weasley," Emma Wrong responded. "Every time our paths cross, he inundates me with trifling questions. I respect someone who desires to get ahead in life, but he is simply an unadulterated arse-kisser.
"Tell me, what do you have planned as an encore?"

... though it doesn't really need the paragraph break at all. Technically it should because it's a change of subject, but in practice it would fit the flow of the dialogue (such that it is) better not to have a break there.

"I think you will be pleasantly surprised," Hooch cackled evilly.

Hooch cackled evilly. I don't even need to spork that; it's practically self-parody.

Comments

( 65 comments — Leave a comment )
fly_buggy_fly
Apr. 13th, 2013 04:48 pm (UTC)
Cut to Wrong and Hooch discussing the attack on the Ministry over tea and nipples

Oh God; I can't stop laughing! XDD
szaleniec1000
Apr. 13th, 2013 06:36 pm (UTC)
I like how one of my favourite running gags throughout this sporking references a scene that the actual author seems to have forgotten even happened. It also fits in with another ongoing theme, not just from this review but in general, that something that would be horrific in real life isn't necessarily so in fiction. This is something that a lot of fanfic writers fail on, and I think the trend towards deconstruction (in the TVTropes sense) is partly to blame: they're too busy considering what the real-world consequences would be to give any thought to how it looks in the context of the fiction. Not that Neil is any better when it comes to realism, of course.
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warlock_female
Apr. 13th, 2013 06:15 pm (UTC)
GOD GINNY, HOW DARE THAT WHORE WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH HER LIFE BUT NOT HAVE IT GO THE WAY THAT SHE WANTS!! GOD, WHY DOESN'T SHE JUST CURL UP AND DIE?

I love how Katie is 'good' for sleeping with someone that she knows doesn't love her, but Ginny is 'bad' for sleeping with two men that she had feelings for, but just figured out that she liked one better.

I'm also waiting for poor, poor Amanda to be forced into keeping her baby with her for the rest of her life. Because she just seems so HAPPY with having one, doesn't she? But as we all know, once a woman sees the child that is her own she loves it and cannot help but protect it from everything else for the rest of her life!

... that or the Potters are going to adopt it. In that case KILL YOUR POOR CHILD BEFORE THEY GET THEIR HANDS ON IT AMANDA! YOU'LL BE DOING THE POOR THING A FAVOR.
duster
Apr. 13th, 2013 06:37 pm (UTC)
ONE MORE FOR THE CREEPY HOGWARTS NUDIST CULT. GET THE NAKED JUICE READY FOR THE BLOOD RITUAL.
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duster
Apr. 13th, 2013 06:34 pm (UTC)
Cut to Wrong and Hooch discussing the attack on the Ministry over tea and nipples:
What, you DON'T have conversations over tea and nipples? Is that weird or something? Aw shit.

Speaking of "aw shit" I think those two words can sum up this chapter. Because before this chapter I completely forgot the stupid "wet dishrag Snape and the two morons fighting over him" subplot. I also forgot about Hermione being pregnant subplot. I think the author went back and remembered that he had a pile of loose plot threads lying around and he had to address it sometime. What's for dinner? Kudzu Plot.

And the protagonists are supposed to be the likeable ones, right? Then why are they insufferable, vengeful brats? The author is supposed to make us side with them, not root for the villain to finish them off!
szaleniec1000
Apr. 13th, 2013 06:41 pm (UTC)
I think the author went back and remembered that he had a pile of loose plot threads lying around and he had to address it sometime. What's for dinner? Kudzu Plot.

This is the same reason that the final chapter of the first Hogwarts Exposed was significantly longer than all the others and still left a whole load of plot threads hanging.
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sith_droideka
Apr. 13th, 2013 07:26 pm (UTC)
ANGER HAS PASSED

This chapter was still terrible, but not as terrible as the last one.
szaleniec1000
Apr. 13th, 2013 08:10 pm (UTC)
Chapters 20 and 21 likewise. As I said, they're going to be a single update. Chapter 22 will more than make up for the lull.
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danel4d
Apr. 13th, 2013 10:49 pm (UTC)
Caitlin looked incredulously at her 'sister' and shook her head with frustration. "No they're not positive," Caitlin said, her voice filling with irritation. "They didn't actually see his face. It could have been two other boys. I imagine you've posed for nude pictures with dozens of boys in this school that have a brother that wants to see you expelled and your life ruined."

It's always nice to have some kind, sympathetic words from the lovely and empathetic Caitlin.

I mean, I get that it's plausible that some character might easily get angry at her here (maybe Jamie, since it's fairly basic character work for the big sister to get angry at a silly mistake their younger sibling made, and it seems they're angry, but it's just because she's all concerned about her future, and she cares so much and then they cry and have a bit of a hug and they understand each other better and d'aw), especially given that this could be seen as an unfortunate negative repurcussion of Emily's tendency towards cockiness and overconfidence, and a utterly inevitable consequence of her observed tendency to get naked everywhere all the time, but really Caitlin should be the one who stops them and tells them off because Emily is the sad. Oh wait character consistency in Hogwarts Exposed what am I expecting I am the crazy.

I'm not sure how exactly distributing honest-to-goodness child pornography around the school is meant to get the victim expelled.

This was what I meant to comment on in the last chapter - everything about the entire situation seems wrong... not just in the ah god why sense, but in the way that we've got child pornographers anticipating the fame and fortune here. Honestly, this entire sequence really seems to be written as if Emily is in her late teens, mid at the earliest... for every reason.
szaleniec1000
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:03 pm (UTC)
Nothing at all about how Emily is written says that she's eleven. Not her dialogue, her behaviour, her appearance, and even (as here) her storylines. Her age is an informed attribute. Having said that, considering what her storylines involve, this might be just as well.
danel4d
Apr. 13th, 2013 10:50 pm (UTC)
Sunday, January 2, 2005 4:00 AM
Ginny felt like she was going crazy. If anyone saw her parading around the halls of the staff quarters at this time of the morning, in her slippers and nightdress, they would think likewise.


A sideplot about the romantic foibles of minor characters really is perfectly placed here.

At first both women froze, speechless. Ginny gawked at Katie, who was clothed only in a tiny, revealing, panty-less teddy.

How would a teddy itself have panties? Wouldn't that basically be a leotard?

Have you cut this scene heavily for sanities sake, or is it really just them splurging their angst at their romantic rival? 'Cause that really seems unwise.

Katie paced momentarily not sure she wanted to come clean to Ginny. She took a deep breath. "More than once, he has called me by your name in the heat of passion," she said.

This would have been more effective if we'd been shown it rather than had it secondhand, like so many other things in Hogwarts Exposed.


See, I'm not so sure about that, and not just 'cause it'd require a sex scene, or even because it would be horribly awkward. Especially if we had to convey that it had happened "More than once"(And less than ten? Every other time? Every time until I starting gagging him?) , since it's the, uh, natural climax to a scene (prompt shocked cutaway, gasp!). Maybe we could have every other scene be Snape and Katie have sex and he calls her Ginny oops. Or maybe we could just have Katie sigh and say "Really Severus? Again?"

It wouldn't be a bad thing for the reveal of it to come in a scene between Ginny and Katie. It just needs to be a more dramatic scene than this. Even Katie can tell that she shouldn't just be saying it like this. I mean, you could easily see how Katie could have misplaced anger at Ginny for how the guy she inexplicably loves is treating her like shit, and you'd have this bursting out of her before she slams her hand to mouth, tears in her eyes (And theme!)

as Hermione got them each a beverage

Mmm! My favourite! I love beverage.

"If your love is strong, it will keep you together," Hermione said, encouragingly. "If not, then its better you find out now."

Or it will tear you apart. But with wise, kind and insightful advice like this, I can see why Hermione was made the head of pastoral care.

(Seriously, wouldn't it make more sense to be a little more... tentative about the whole thing? There's all sorts of ways that the recent stresses might cause them relationship problems. Being teen pregnant is bad enough, even when your special someone doesn't send you to a back-alley high street abortion clinic/dark arts dealer/rape centre. It may well not survive even though they love each other lots and lots, and putting pressure on them in this way ("If your relationship fails, it's because you don't love each enough, so you'll have given your most precious gift to the wrong person, you filthy hoar,") seems somewhat unhelpful>)

Amanda nodded her head half-heartedly. "My Mum is going to raise the baby. My parents always wanted another child, but were unable to conceive. I guess my child will sort of be the little son or daughter that Mum could never have."

Is this really a thing that still happens? I mean, it happened to my Nan, but that was obviously Quite Some Time Ago. Also, that second sentence is weird. Doesn't Amanda's mum already have a daughter?

No, the plan is for everything to be revealed when the kid grows up and yells "You ain't my mother!"

"Yes I am!" Heh. Classic.
szaleniec1000
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:26 pm (UTC)
Have you cut this scene heavily for sanities sake, or is it really just them splurging their angst at their romantic rival? 'Cause that really seems unwise.

The scene is mostly uncut.

It wouldn't be a bad thing for the reveal of it to come in a scene between Ginny and Katie. It just needs to be a more dramatic scene than this. Even Katie can tell that she shouldn't just be saying it like this. I mean, you could easily see how Katie could have misplaced anger at Ginny for how the guy she inexplicably loves is treating her like shit, and you'd have this bursting out of her before she slams her hand to mouth, tears in her eyes (And theme!)

I can see that working, yes, insofar as a Ginny/Katie/Snape love triangle ever could.

Or it will tear you apart. But with wise, kind and insightful advice like this, I can see why Hermione was made the head of pastoral care.

That's not a job I could see canon!Hermione being any good at either, but she wouldn't be this bad. And to add insult to injury it's presented as being actually good advice that turns out to be true, which just shows how little like recognisable human beings HE characters are.

Is this really a thing that still happens? I mean, it happened to my Nan, but that was obviously Quite Some Time Ago.

It's common enough for the baby's grandparents to help out, especially when the parents want to (or have to) stay at school, but actually raising the kid as their own doesn't tend to happen these days.

"Yes I am!" Heh. Classic.

I'm going to talk a lot about cliffhangers in the next update, but suffice to say for now that Neil could learn a lot from the soaps in that department.
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danel4d
Apr. 13th, 2013 10:50 pm (UTC)
Monday, January 3, 2005
Emily was able to spend most of the weekend in the faculty quarters and thus avoid Tyler, but with the recommencement of classes on Monday,


That does seem VERY early, especially for a boarding school where they'd presumably want a bit of time away.

Malfoy's lip curled into a sneer. "Perhaps neither of you bothered to take notice, but this is the Potions dungeon and not a boxing arena," he snapped. "As much as it pains me to deduct points from my own house, you have each caused Slytherin the loss of ten points."

I can understand why Emily hit him, but from Malfoy's perspective wouldn't it just look as if she punched a guy? Would he really also blame Tyler for being punched? I mean, grabbing her arm was an aggravating factor, and depending on how harshly he did it could be very nasty indeed (though probably less so for ickle kids like this than teenagers)... but Malfoy describes Emily as the aggressor. Either she's hitting a guy with no witnessed provocation - in which case only she should be punished until you've got a few witness statements - or she's defending herself in a perhaps excessively aggressive (and certainly deplorably muggle) fashion from a physical assault - in which case she should be punished much, much less.

I think she's able to maintain her cover by the misunderstanding caused when the investigators try to tell their supervisors that the Great One is Wrong.

"I should certainly hope so, old boy - they're a murderous terrorist!"

"Is there going to be another war Harry?" Hermione asked tentatively.

This is awful. It sits there, alone, a mute testament to the core, irredeemable awfulness of HE. Yet it represents just one facet of it.

Consider: You could replace "Harry" with "Daddy", and it would work better as a line. In what imaginable world is this a question that Hermione asks Harry?


"I'm not sure," Harry said. "This Great One doesn't seem to have a legion of followers like Voldemort did, but then, neither did he at first. But Voldemort did have an agenda that appealed to purebloods. He wanted to purify the wizard world of Muggle blood. The Great One seems to simply want to rule our world as a dictator, but other than that, has no program that would entice followers."

How can a shadowy, mysterious figure be elected as a dictator? I mean, it makes kind of sense for Wrong to seek to increase her power through appropriate war powers, but in that case the Great One needs a more specific goal... ideally something she'd prefer to discredit. And her real goal is apparently to fulfil some kind of sacrifice prophecy bollocks, so why does she need to carry out a terrorist campaign anyway?

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about pregnancy," Hermione offered.

"Severus, how is babby formed?"

"It almost makes me wish I was in Slytherin house so I could help."
"But you can help," Kim said with conviction as she looked at Emily. "Didn't you say that Professor Potter had an invisibility cloak and that you were allowed to use it?"
Caitlin eyes practically burst from her head. "I think I'm finally understanding why you were sorted into Slytherin," she said excitedly. "That is a cunning idea."


No. It is the opposite of a cunning idea. Strength in numbers isn't best when you're trying to sneak somewhere. Dragging along an extra person who has even weaker excuses for being there if caught than you is even worse. But then, given these are the geniuses who decide to do it naked as well, I'm not sure that expecting any better is sensible.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:27 pm (UTC)
"It easy when you're a low life creep," Caitlin responded. "The prat has evidently been setting you up since the first week of school."

Okay, to be fair(and I can't believe I'm doing this), Tyler was VERY obviously only complying against his fucking will!
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:29 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure how exactly distributing honest-to-goodness child pornography around the school is meant to get the victim expelled.

I was wondering: Did Neil ever defend THIS particular logical singularity on his site? I mean, he defended the "Amanda's molestation" subplot by saying "Well, bad things happen to good people! lol"...
szaleniec1000
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:36 pm (UTC)
I just did a text search on the Yahoo group for the word "expelled". Not specifically a defence, but:

The pictures would cause problems for Harry and Hermione and could get Emily expelled. After all it is obvious the pictures were poised for.

... which doesn't answer the question: how is this more worthy of expulsion than attempted murder? Also, we have:

It seems to take a lot to get expelled from Hogwarts.

Unless nudity is involved, apparently?
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Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:30 pm (UTC)
"How can he hate me so? I've never been anything but nice to him." Emily turned to Caitlin, tears now filling her eyes. "I liked him. I really liked him a lot."

Oh, yes, I could tell so well by the chemistry and affection that you two showed for each other. /monotone.

Just what, exactly, have Emily and Tyler done together!?
sith_droideka
Apr. 14th, 2013 06:40 pm (UTC)
Nothing. One of the many constants of Hogwarts Exposed is that relationships come from out of nowhere (Emily/Tyler, Kim/Randy, Caitlin/That Second(?) Year, Matt/Claudia, Jamie/Alex).
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Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:32 pm (UTC)
Ginny gawked at Katie, who was clothed only in a tiny, revealing, panty-less teddy.

Nudity: Completely Non-Sexual!
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:35 pm (UTC)
I can just feel the tension, conflict and disbelief going through... oh, wait, no I can't.

Are you kidding me, mate? This masterwork of dialogue makes it seem as if I'm right there in the thick of the argument. /monotone
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:41 pm (UTC)
This would have been more effective if we'd been shown it rather than had it secondhand, like so many other things in Hogwarts Exposed. However, that would require this author to write a sex scene, which doesn't bear thinking about.

I'm actually kind of glad that Neil just seemed to hack and chop his way through what SHOULD have been a poignant, emotional moment for these characters, because whenever I stop and think about this bollocks in its entirety, I keep on hearing this little voice in the back of my head screaming "THESE WOMEN ARE IN THEIR EARLY OR MID TWENTIES AND THEY'RE ARGUING OVER A MAN WHO WAS IN HIS MID-THIRTIES WHEN THESE SAME GIRLS WERE ELEVEN AND STUDENTS UNDER HIS AUTHORITY!!!"
szaleniec1000
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:45 pm (UTC)
The same voice that screamed at me when the Ginny/Katie/Snape love triangle was unveiled last chapter. When it was just Ginny it was dodgy enough, but now there's a clear pattern of behaviour on his part... bleurgh.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:45 pm (UTC)
Ginny turned and looked at the door to Severus' quarters. All she had to do was knock and he would take her in his arms. She would no longer be alone. Then she thought of Draco. Tears came to her eyes, and she collapsed sobbing to the floor.

Y'know, mate, I think this paragraph actually would've worked pretty well to define an emotional conflict for a woman clearly torn between two men. To give Neil credit, that little short paragraph is actually pretty good...

The problems with it are twofold:

1. It was written for Hogwarts-fucking-Exposed.

2. Ginny is, again, AGONIZING OVER A MAN MORE THAN TEN YEARS HER SENIOR!!
szaleniec1000
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:46 pm (UTC)
I know what you mean. I read that bit a few times, couldn't think of anything egregious enough to hang a sporking on so went with the "Snape didn't hear any of this going on" fridge logic.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:46 pm (UTC)
"I've grown rather accustomed to female nudity living with Jamie, and I know you like to be nude in the privacy of your quarters, but I can understand if as a professor you'd prefer not to be seen by one of your students."

Dude, this would be PERFECT for you to read in your Dramatic Reading voice with the Dalek filter...
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 13th, 2013 11:53 pm (UTC)
We already know that Jamie is a dead ringer for Hermione, by way of the stupidest of coincidences, so why we need to be told again is anyone's guess.

The more I try and imagine Jamie as looking like Emma Watson's early attractive years, the more my mind just finds itself utterly incapable of doing so.

It doesn't help that the voice I assign to her is the stereotypical "Valley Girl" voice that PurpleEyesWTF gave Shirley in Code MENT...

A voice that even Emma Watson is utterly inept at replicating. Seriously, have you seen her attempt an American accent?
szaleniec1000
Apr. 14th, 2013 12:03 am (UTC)
Talent!Hermione got a similar voice in my head.

A voice that even Emma Watson is utterly inept at replicating. Seriously, have you seen her attempt an American accent?

I haven't, but I can imagine.
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Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 14th, 2013 12:03 am (UTC)
No, the plan is for everything to be revealed when the kid grows up and yells "You ain't my mother!" at her in the middle of an argument.

After that plain-stupid assault on common sense and intelligence that was the preceding "I'm GOING TO GET EXPELLED" section...

This sentence now has me picturing Amanda, Tony, and their kid on an episode of Wizard Maury Povitch...
szaleniec1000
Apr. 14th, 2013 12:12 am (UTC)
This is the reference.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 14th, 2013 12:11 am (UTC)
"You still look lovely," Severus said truthfully. "Now what can I do for you?"
"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about pregnancy," Hermione offered.

This exchange is fantastic out of context. In fact, I'm going to WTFFanfiction it.


Greatest. Deserving-Crossover. EVER!
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 14th, 2013 12:14 am (UTC)
January brought with it raw, biting winds and exceedingly cold temperatures.

And yet I'm sure our intrepid little clutch of bints went out starkers in the early morning at least once...
szaleniec1000
Apr. 14th, 2013 12:16 am (UTC)
Emily in the first fic actually said she'd been outside in the snow and liked it, so her "we're nudists, not masochists" line in this chapter is something of a reversal.
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Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 14th, 2013 12:18 am (UTC)
"I think I'm finally understanding why you were sorted into Slytherin," she said excitedly. "That is a cunning idea."

Just how lax have Slytherin's standards gotten since Voldemort's defeat!?
szaleniec1000
Apr. 14th, 2013 12:27 am (UTC)
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 14th, 2013 12:19 am (UTC)
Kim muttered something about it being quite enough adventure to slip into the boy's dorm, yet alone doing it nude, but neither Emily nor Caitlin seemed to hear her protests.

Oh, no. I wonder if this will lead to some embarrassing hijinks. /monotone
otakukeith
Apr. 14th, 2013 03:58 am (UTC)
Oh, and by the way, since they're actually adopted by this point I think we can lose the scare quotes.

I'm inclined to wonder if this is supposed to remind us that they're Not Blood Siblings, for when they decide to be Schoolgirl Lesbians and Experiment In College for five minutes...

"More than once, he has called me by your name in the heat of passion," she said.

This would have been more effective if we'd been shown it rather than had it secondhand, like so many other things in Hogwarts Exposed.


And if it hadn't been used as a plot device in Psychic Serpent.

"Do the governors feel the other girls will be jealous and all want to become pregnant?"

Well, given that nearly everyone who sees a nudist seems to express jealousy and want to become a nudist too, there might actually be some truth to that in this fic.

"Oh! My!" Hermione cried

I'm just going to leave this here. :P

The pics were taken on New Year's Eve and it's taken until the 6th February for it to occur to one of these supposed geniuses that they could steal the camera or switch the film.

...wait, what? As you noted, why would Dick wait that long?

"How are you two going to avoid being seen?" Caitlin asked

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zt8UqivWUEI

The girls watched as Bancroft and Crow slowly began to shed their clothes.

What a shocking and unexpected turn of events. Also, CRRRRROOOOOWWWWW! (If you're wondering how they don't get hypothermia, and other science facts, then repeat to yourself "it's Hogwarts Exposed, I should really just relax".)

I wish I was an Animagus," Kim said seriously as she and Emily headed for dinner.

"And I wish I was a lesbian," replied Emily bi-curiously.
szaleniec1000
Apr. 14th, 2013 02:49 pm (UTC)
And if it hadn't been used as a plot device in Psychic Serpent.

Was it? Oh dear, bad enough that he recycles his own plots.

"Oh! My!" Hermione cried
I'm just going to leave this here. :P


In this fic, the role of Hermione Granger shall be played by C-3PO.

...wait, what? As you noted, why would Dick wait that long?

Presumably he and the camera were locked in the offstage waiting room.
katistrophe
Apr. 14th, 2013 04:42 am (UTC)
Cut to Wrong and Hooch discussing the attack on the Ministry over tea and nipples:
...I think this is my new favorite sentence.
Also: the second I read "cunning idea" I thought of Blackadder - great clip!
szaleniec1000
Apr. 14th, 2013 12:42 pm (UTC)
It's like the whole running gag that's been a thing every time Hooch appeared in the story was leading up to that one line.

Also: the second I read "cunning idea" I thought of Blackadder - great clip!

It was the first Blackadder episode I watched. We were doing about rotten boroughs and the Reform Acts in Year 9 history, and the teacher put it on.
undying_embers
Oct. 29th, 2013 12:42 am (UTC)
If they were half as smart as the author wants us to think, they might have realised that it's not a good idea to rely on there being no wind in Scotland in February.

Here's an alternate theory: They were all dying of hypothermia this entire time. According to Wikipedia:

"Twenty to fifty percent of hypothermia deaths are associated with paradoxical undressing. This typically occurs during moderate to severe hypothermia, as the person becomes disoriented, confused, and combative. They may begin discarding their clothing, which, in turn, increases the rate of heat loss...
...Another explanation is that the muscles contracting peripheral blood vessels become exhausted and relax, leading to a sudden surge of blood (and heat) to the extremities, fooling the person into feeling overheated."

Unfortunately, as Sues have no souls, they cannot die. They are trapped in the limbo between life and death.
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