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Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 22

Deserving: I hate that you have a cock!
Everything you need to know about Chapter 22 of Hogwarts Too Exposed is that it's titled "Joining" and sports a warning that:

This chapter contains a large amount of sexual content which some readers might find objectionable.

And yes, this is the uncensored version. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

"No, Harry!" she screamed, lunging for him. But instead of grabbing him and stopping his progress, her arm passed through his body as if he were a ghost. Hermione found herself lying in the street and watching helplessly as Harry, still running toward the shop, faded out of existence.
She reached out and squeezed her wrist tightly; it unquestionably felt solid. WHY? Why if Harry had faded out of existence was she still here? Whatever the consequences of their actions, they were supposed to be together.

Why is a good question. Why did Harry fade out first? We're never told, so it ends up looking like the artificial contrivance it probably is.

Then suddenly she felt as though the very ground on which she'd been lying had been pulled out from underneath her quite violently, and she felt herself falling, tumbling through space and blackness. Her mind was crying out through the void, Help me!
But then she felt something solid under her, and she groaned with pain. She suddenly realized that she had a body - a body that hurt - or rather, a head that hurt. She tried unsuccessfully to sit up; she wanted to rub the back of her head but she couldn't. Cautiously, she opened her eyes. The world didn't come into focus right away, and she struggled to prop herself up on her elbows.
"Hermione, are you all right?" Madam Pince asked concernedly. "Did you hit your head, my dear?"

I picture canon!Pince being more worried about whether Hermione scuffed the covers of any books she was carrying when she fell. She basically exists in this scene just to have someone to interact with Hermione, actual characterisation be damned.

"No, really. I'm fine," Hermione insisted. "All I need is a bit to eat." Hermione glanced at the wall clock and noticed it was a couple of minutes past twelve.
"If you're positive," Madam Pince said, not the least convinced. She watched apprehensively as Hermione departed the library and headed toward the Great Hall.
Hermione unquestionably felt odd, but she had no idea if the symptoms were physical or mental.

She was disoriented by the shifting POV.

She wasn't even sure that she had actually passed out; however, she felt she must have because she had a dream. No, it was a nightmare, and she remembered it more vividly than any dream she had ever experienced. It seemed so real.

How she remembers, of course, raises even more questions. (The references to worldlines A, B and C are to this post. In brief: A is the one in which Jamie gets killed, B is the one where Harry and Hermione go back, C is the new timeline where Jamie survived. The author seems to think that B and C are the same, but this can't be the case because B can't exist without A, which is in turn mutually exclusive with C. C, to all intents and purposes, is an AU of A and B and for the C!characters to remember what happened in A and B makes no sense.) She meets up with Harry in the Great Hall:

"Weird thing is, I must have passed out for a moment." Harry said, rubbing his eyes. "I have memories of the weirdest dream."
At the mention of the word dream, Hermione froze. "Harry," she said anxiously, "was the dream about Jamie? Did she die?"
Harry didn't have to respond. The shocked appearance on his face was sufficient enough answer.
"How did you know?" he asked, both amazed and skeptical.
"Harry, I think we both had the same dream and at exactly the same time. What are the odds of that happening: two people having the same dream?

In Hogwarts Exposed, home of contrived coincidences by the shedload, quite high.

Do you think it was some sort of forewarning?" she asked, nervously playing with her necklace. Abruptly, Hermione remembered that she hadn't put on a necklace when she dressed for breakfast.
She fumbled with the neck of her robes, pulling from beneath them a very long, very fine gold chain. Harry looked completely bewildered until Hermione was holding the chain out, a tiny, sparkling hourglass hanging from it.

In worldline C, of course, the Time-Turner should still be in the mystery box because they've had no reason to take it out.

"It wasn't a dream," he said in disbelief. Harry shuddered. "Jamie actually died, and we violated wizard law and went back in time to prevent her death."
Hermione nodded her head desolately in agreement. "We saved Jamie, but in doing so, I fear we caused the death of Mr. Ollivander."

Because only named characters matter. Anyone else who might have been killed or injured in the attacks, well, who cares? There's no depth of bad taste this fic won't plumb.

Comprehension dawned on Harry's face as he remembered lastly hurrying toward the little shop before the ground seemed to be pulled from under him. "Then we're about to experience those forty-eight hours again," he said. "That means Severus should be receiving notification from the Ministry before long."
Harry barely completed his sentence when his attention, along with that of every one else in the Great Hall was drawn to the Phoenix that had entered and circled the hall and was now holding his leg out to the Headmaster. As soon as the message was detached, the bird disappeared with a pop.
Severus read the message, seemed ready to stand, and then read the message again. He either didn't believe or didn't want to believe what was written upon the parchment. Slowly he rose to his feet. The hall, already silent, was ready for him to speak.

This scene is almost a copy-paste of the same scene from worldline A, with the obvious difference that he only talks about the attack in Hogsmeade and doesn't mention anyone being killed.

Hermione and Harry exchanged worried glances. If they had indeed succeeded in changing the time lines, why was Severus wishing to talk to them?

And it's pretty clear at this point that they have succeeded, because there's no mention of the Diagon Alley attack at all.

"What is it Severus?" Harry asked as soon as the door closed. "Is there something you need us to do to help with the injured?" Harry held Hermione's hand tightly.
Hermione's eyes were tearing, fearful that they had somehow failed and Jamie had still died.
"I wanted to discuss this in private with you both until I've received more details," Severus said softly, "but it appears that there were suppose to be two synchronized attacks today. It seems that Alex Ward and Jamie Zacherley happened upon and prevented an assault on Ollivanders Wand shop."

Considering that the last we saw of them in worldline B, which I'm guessing is what the author intended them also to have done in worldline C, was them walking away from the shop, how did this happen? Let's have a look at what the author had to say:

Since [the Time-Turner] had been used in canon, I was able to avoid the saving of Jamie seeming like something contrived.

No you weren't.

"Then no one was hurt in Diagon Alley?" Hermione questioned, obviously relieved.
"No," Severus confirmed. "There were numerous injuries in Hogsmeade, however. Poppy has already rushed to the village. I'm sure she would appreciate any assistance you could give her."
"We're on our way," Hermione said, as she grabbed Harry's hand, an unmistakable look of great relief on her face.

Because who cares about the people in Hogsmeade, right? This time Hermione doesn't have a case of the vapours and actually does accompany Harry to the ruins of the Three Broomsticks, but we still don't see that hyperempathic healing she's supposed to have in action. In fact, I'm not sure we have at all. The scene proceeds as before, with Hermione taking Ron's place. Where is Ron in worldline C, then?

Harry watched in quiet amazement as Caitlin treated an injured student that, despite all the blood, he could recognize as Doris Burke, the Slytherin Quidditch captain. He didn't know what other injuries she might have sustained, but a deep gash on her face was evident. A Muggle receiving the same injury would have a permanent and hideous scar.

Copy-pasting this scene from worldline A gives us the result that Harry seems to be just as amazed at this as he was the first time he saw it, because C!Harry illogically retains all his memories from the other worldlines. So they go up to the castle and the girls get told off for leaving without permission but congratulated for helping, in a way that's not at all reminiscent of the aftermath of the troll fight in Philosopher's Stone. When they arrive back, we get our first taste of what this chapter has in store. And when I say "taste", I mean it.

When Harry quickly, but silently opened the door to their quarters, the group of four was stunned, but not nearly as staggered as the young couple lying on the floor. The boy was fully dressed, but the girl, as was her custom, was completely nude.
It wasn't the state of dress of the girl or even the fact that they were lying together on the floor that caused everyone to act in response; it was rather, the position of the boy's head and what he was doing to the girl with his tongue.

Seriously now, why exactly are they doing that right in the middle of the quarters? Couldn't they have gone to the Room of Requirement, considering that they've set it up for that very purpose, or even taken their chances in the dorms considering that the other sixth-years are all going to be in Hogsmeade?

Jamie and Alex maladroitly leapt to their feet, both turning a vivid red. Jamie's blush visible along the full extent of her body. Hermione took a quick look in the direction of Caitlin and Emily, hoping that they had not seen what Alex was doing to Jamie. From the expressions on their faces, it was quite evident they both had.
"I'm sorry," Jamie said, thrown off balance. "We were just…"

... about to get detention, surely. Seriously, they're having it off in the staff quarters. My Immortal was more realistic when it came to how the Hogwarts staff should react to students doing it on school premises, and nothing that forces me to type "My Immortal was more realistic" has any place in a story that claims to be remotely serious.

"Harry and I know what you were doing," Hermione said quickly, trying fruitlessly to gain her composure. Her face now also a bright red. "I just wasn't expecting either of the girls to witness such… Well, I guess it will make explaining it a little easier."
Emily shook her head in frustration. "Mum, Caitlin and I aren't six years old. We know all about sex and oral sex."

No. No, you don't. How would they? It's not like there's much in the way of sex education at Hogwarts (a fact that the author will apparently later acknowledge by introducing it, and I'm sure it'll be every bit as bad as you'd expect) and what they'd have learned at Muggle primary school wouldn't go nearly that far.

Emily turned toward Jamie. "Do you return the favor and suck Alex's penis?" she asked Jamie without the least trepidation.

Now I should be apoplectic with rage at Little Miss Impertinence here, but the idea of an eleven-year-old asking that question in that way is so unbelievable that it verges on the surreal. I just can't take it seriously at all. Because I remember how people actually talked about sex when I was at secondary school, not all that long ago (okay, mid to late '90s, but not all that long ago from when this was set) and it was almost entirely euphemisms and slang even though we did know the proper terms, with lots of embarrassed giggles and red faces. If anything, it looked more like My Immortal.

"Okay you two," Harry said, pointing to the chesterfield. "Time for a father, daughter, mother talk."
"Can we get comfy first?" Caitlin asked innocently.
"I suppose so," Harry said, trying very hard to sound strict. "Hermione, did you want to get comfortable, too?

Every scene seems to be interrupted with the characters getting their kit off, even when that breaks the flow or detracts from the drama. We're long past the point where we can just assume that everyone's undressed unless we're explicitly told otherwise.

Hermione stared questioningly at Harry and then glanced toward Alex.
"It's your option, Professor Granger," Alex said timorously. "My parents had no problems with me visiting Jamie parent's last year and they knew the Zacherley's would all be nude." Alex squeezed Jamie's hand to comfort her. "I'm past the ogling at naked women stage.

No you're not. You're sixteen.

"Are we going to talk about sex?" Emily asked keenly.
"Should we?" Harry inquired. "You just told me that you and Caitlin knew all about it."
"Not all about it," Caitlin said candidly. "We know the nuts and bolts of what goes where and that we can't do it until fifteen without causing major grief, but what about what Jamie and Alex were doing. Do you have to be fifteen to do that?"

He shouldn't be surprised that they at least know what sex is, because that's something you learn at primary school. No, he wasn't their parent then, but he's a teacher: it's part of his job to know what the kids entering his class can be expected to know and understand already.

Hermione gave Harry a trenchant look as Harry felt a large knot form in his stomach. Suddenly the idea of facing Voldemort all over again seemed attractive, certainly more appealing than a discussion of oral sex with his two young daughters.

Quite understandable. I'd rather face Voldemort than read about it.

"No, you don't have to be fifteen to do what Jamie and Alex were doing, but it is something that should not be taken lightly," he said nervously. "Doing that sort of thing is very personal and should only be done with someone you have a strong relationship with.

Okay, anyone who knows anything about Hogwarts Exposed knows exactly what this is foreshadowing. It's probably one of the most infamous scenes in the whole sorry mess, for good reason.

"Alex, are you and Jamie getting married?" Emily asked bluntly.
Alex was caught off guard, but looked lovingly at Jamie who was now sitting on his lap. He gave her a brief hug. "Yes, we are. Actually we were just discussing it today. We still have a year at Hogwarts and then hopefully Auror training, but after that we want to get married."
"I'll be an aunt," Emily said joyfully, "Aunt Emily."
"Let's not rush things," Jamie said cautiously. "We both want children, but not too soon."
"Sometimes you can't plan out your life," Hermione said, first clutching Caitlin's hand and then patting Emily's thigh. "But children are something you love whenever they pop into your life."

Which in Hogwarts Exposed can be any time, even with supposedly failsafe magical contraception, especially given how many kids lose their parents in the vicinity of our sainted protagonists.

"Can we get back to talking about sex," Emily said with annoyance as she looked at her Dad. "How are we expected to know how to do things if no one ever teaches us or at least lets us watch them do it?"

Firstly, how has nobody ever taught you if you know about it already? Secondly, does this alleged genius really think that learning about sex through voyeurism is an actual thing that most people do?

Harry was both flustered and tongued tied. Was Emily suggesting that her and Caitlin be allowed to watch Hermione and him make love?

Her what and Caitlin? Yes, I'm grammar-snarking so I don't have to think about this too much.

"Enough talk about sex," Harry said.

The first sensible thing anyone has said in Hogwarts Exposed.

"You two are much too young to have such an insatiable curiosity on the subject. Besides, we have two heroes in our presence. I want to hear all the details of what happened today. How did you get back so early? Did the Ministry portkey you back to Hogwarts?"

The Portkey would probably take longer than the Exposed!Hogwarts Express seems to.

"When we approached Ollivanders, there was a 'Closed for Lunch' sign in the window." Jamie explained. "Later, Mr. Ollivander told us that although he was preparing to close for lunch, he hadn't as yet hung up his sign. He had no idea where the brand new sign in the door had come from."
"That's strange," Harry said, giving Hermione a shrewd look.

With worldline C being separate from A/B, it doesn't necessarily even follow that the reason Jamie survived was the same way that Harry and Hermione decided to save her in B. That's how much of a cock-up the time travel plot has become.

"Rather than wonder off, we decided to just nosey about, hoping that Mr. Ollivander would return shortly," Jamie said. "There was a pathway between the two stores and so we decided to have a look around."
"I was inquisitive as to what was behind the shops to separate them from Muggle London," Alex added.
Hermione and Harry both exchanged glances, neither, until now, having ever given this a thought.

Harry and Hermione were both intensely curious about the new world they found themselves in when they found out about wizards and magic, yet neither considered this question until a lad who hasn't been established as especially curious (or especially anything) points it out to them. How does that work?

"Our mere surprise presence evidently gave the two beefy oaths

A beefy oath? What, like "bullshit"?

that were prowling about a fright because they immediately drew their wands on us. They caught me off guard and Alex unfortunately was unarmed," Jamie stated. "Before we knew what was happening; we were both struck by curses that sent us crashing against the back wall of the shop."

"And made us use semicolons in the wrong places!"

"Mr. Ollivander, who was inside the shop, came bursting through the door like some superhero in a Muggle movie or comic book," Alex said admiringly.

Which he knows all about. Is he Muggle-born, or did he just grow up in a Muggle neighbourhood like Jamie? We don't know. We know absolutely nothing about this supposedly important character.

"He might be elderly, but it certainly hasn't lessened his magical ability. Those two oafs didn't know what hit them."
"Harry, it… it was the same two that attacked me after the World Cup Match," Jamie said nervously.

Crabbe and Goyle being the only two evil goons in the entire Potterverse, apparently. Wrong's all-purpose evil minions just happen to be the two paedophiles who assaulted Jamie, and also just happen to be Crabbe and Goyle who Harry knows from school. What's happened between them and Draco, anyway?

"What exactly did they intend to do?" Harry asked.
"They had Muggle explosives planted all around the rear of the shop," Jamie explained. "They had intended to blow it to bits."
"But why bother with Muggle means when they could have used an explosive curse from there wands?" Hermione questioned.

Because this is Hogwarts Exposed, where magic is as optional as grammar.

"Minister Wrong says we will probably receive an award," Alex said meekly, "but Mr. Ollivander already gave us both something to show his appreciation."
"What did he give you?" Emily asked excitedly as if it were Christmas.
"Well, he gave Alex his new wand free of charge, but he gave me something really neat," Jamie said nearly as excitedly. "Emily feel my thigh where I normally wear my wand sheath."
Without hesitation Emily jumped off Harry's lap and hurried over to her sister. She began to rub her hand on the upper part of Jamie's leg, but suddenly stopped, looking at her sister in disbelief. "He gave you an invisible wand?" she questioned with awe.
"No, but almost as good," Jamie said elatedly as she withdrew her wand. "It's an invisible sheath, but what makes it in fact great is that it projects its spell to include the portion of the wand protruding from the sheath."

If she's elated at owning an invisible wand sheath, I can't help but wonder if she's on something. It's a neat magical trick, but it's not like she's found out she's the master of the Elder Wand or something. It also reminds me a bit of eating one's breakfast cheerily.

"Harry, we have to look into those," Hermione said, obviously impressed. "This is where Fred and George lack proper direction. Remember those hats they invented that made the wearer's head disappear. I'm sure this works in a similar way, but with a much more practical purpose."
Harry nodded his head in agreement. This wouldn't be the first time someone made a fortune off one of Fred and George's idea. They too often got caught up in the joke side of their products, neglecting to see the practical implications.

I can tell this was written before Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows.

"Emily, did you get a good look at what Alex was doing to Jamie when we walked in the door?" Caitlin questioned, as the two girls lay in their beds talking, neither able or actually wanting to fall asleep.
"Not as good as I would have liked to have gotten," Emily admitted. "He wasn't just licking her; he actually had her spread open and had his tongue inside of her."

Which would seem to suggest that she's already had more of a look than would be in any way appropriate.

"I love you, too," Emily said, as she bounded from her bed and gave Caitlin a hug before crawling into bed and nestling next to her sister. "You know how evil I am about making fun of boys and men when they get a stifee."

A stiffy, I think you'll find. And actually I don't, because it's not happened at any point in the story so far. We've just been told that she's like that. We've not even had the author trying and failing to convince us that it's not a sign of there being something seriously wrong with her. The word "stiffee" sounds more like it should refer to someone who's been stiffed, for instance having decided to read a fanfic on the basis of a summary like this:

Hermione hasn't seen her two best friends in five years. Harry has been living a self-imposed exile in the Muggle world and Ron has been imprisoned in Azkaban. Her life is about to change dramatically.

... and gone on to find it full of sexism, paedo-/ephebophilia, rape, torture, bodily functions, appallingly-handled social issues and godawful writing.

Caitlin laughed. "You do have a nasty habit of making sure that no one within a mile radius misses it."

Such a nasty habit that she's kept it hidden from the readers.

Caitlin shuddered, thinking about some of the rather large tools she had seen last summer on vacation.

Don't worry, nobody's going to shag you with an excavator.

"Caitlin, have you ever played with yourself?" Emily asked curiously. "You know, put your finger or anything else inside of you?"
Caitlin visibly shook, remembering the ordeal she had been subjected to by Madam Hooch. "I used to," Caitlin admitted, "but ever since the attack, I just can't."

This would have made some sense, had I any faith whatsoever in this author's ability to handle a subplot like that at all tastefully. As it is, that we only just find out about it towards the end of the second fic when we've got free access to her POV... well, I'm reminded of Deserving!Harry and his impotence. And I'm not sure that she has told Emily about the agony of the stick: when she was recounting her flashbacks in Chapter 8, Emily was specifically not there.

"I'm sorry," Emily said, quickly. "I forgot about the awful things that vicious woman did to you."
"I try not to think about it," Caitlin said. "Mum was amazed that I could even consider being a nudist after what had happened."

You can't just make something less implausible by outright saying how implausible it is. Our trusty lampshade has its uses, but also one huge limitation: there's no point going "we know this is daft; just run with it" without giving your readers a reason to want to run with it.

Caitlin leaned over and whispered in Emily's ear. "I know I'm too young to have actual sex, but I'd love to experience what Alex did to Jamie today. She looked like she was in seventh heaven."
"I know what you mean," Emily agreed. "From the expression on her face it must have been pure delight."
Emily laid back and thought for a while. "Caitlin, I love you. You've always been here to comfort me. You helped me through the loss of my parents and most recently through my situation with Tyler. I'm not Matt, but I'm willing to do it if it means that much to you."

... and cut.

"That was a relief," Harry said as Hermione nestled in his arms.

Wasn't it just. I wouldn't have put it past this author to have The Incident happen on-screen.

"I'm not sure if I could have handled the knowledge that our saving Jamie had cost another life."

And now this conveniently wasn't the case, the author is freed from having to write about a genuinely interesting moral dilemma.

"I'm not certain that mortals should have the power to change time," Hermione said disquietingly. "Part of me feels I should destroy the time turner, but I can't. If it hadn't been for that device, Jamie would be dead. Harry, that's three innocent lives we've saved."
"Innocent in different ways, but yes," Harry agreed. "I only hope that Jamie's stay on earth is a great deal longer than that of Sirius. I used to lie in bed feeling sorry for myself because of the terrible childhood I had. Look at me now. I have every thing a man could desire. Sirius was the one that had a truly awful life. Firstly, coming from that horrible family of his, but then to be sent to Azkaban for all those years for a crime he didn't commit."
"Then spending years on the run, only to die at that evil woman's hands. At least she finally got what she deserved," Hermione said.

From Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 6:

Harry face reddened. “Yes, I was a muggle for five years. Left my wand with Sirius. Five years with no magic.”

So did he leave it in his tomb or something, or do we have yet another retcon?

"Yes, but in many ways, death seemed too good for her," Harry responded. "There simply is no proper way to make a person as evil as her atone for all the pain and suffering they have caused. In ways, she was more wicked than Voldemort himself."
"They're both gone," Hermione said.

This being pre-Deathly Hallows, no word on how Bellatrix died. The "why" is more clear, because she would have eaten the author's pathetic excuse for villains for breakfast.

"Did you here a moaning sound?" Harry asked, sitting up with a start.
"No," Hermione lied. "Maybe it was one of the ghosts."
"I don't think so," Harry said listening intently.

Apart from anything else, the ghosts haven't been mentioned in all of Hogwarts Exposed so far.

"There it is again. That sounds like Caitlin. I better check on the girls" He started to move to get up, but Hermione stopped him.
"Don't Harry," Hermione begged, "you'll embarrass them. I think they may be doing a little experimenting."

Oh, is that all?! Parents of the year, right there.

"Experimenting?" He said questioningly. "What do you mean?"
But before Hermione could answer, he realized exactly what she meant. He looked at Hermione as if panic stricken. "But they're both girls.

Because that's the issue here, and not, you know, horribly underage pseudo-incest.

"But they're only twelve! Do you think they are lesbians?" Harry asked, dismayed at the thought.

OH TEH NOEZ TEH GAYZ0RZ!

"Harry, I am no expert in adolescent psychology, but I have read some as Head of House.

I'd have thought that if being an expert in adolescent psychology wasn't a prerequisite for Hermione's job as (effectively) head of pastoral care, then after doing it for nearly two years she should be. Her role, not that we've ever seen her carry it out, is "Assistant Headmaster (sic) and Dean of Students". Whether he intended her to be a deputy head (over the heads, pun not intended, of however many far more experienced staff) I don't know; the assistant head subordinate to the deputy head is a role that actually exists in UK schools, but the chances that the author knew this can best be expressed in terms of the reciprocal of Graham's number. And she's still a bit inexperienced to be considered for that.

It is not uncommon for pre-teens to experiment. Often it is with a same-sex partner, but that has nothing to do with whether or not they will be homosexual as adults," Hermione proclaimed. "Besides, we've discussed this before. I don't think they are lesbians and could ever possibly be 'in love' with each other, but I do believe that they love each other a very great deal and would do anything for each other."
"I know what you said," Harry answered with annoyance. "In school Ron and I were best friends. Dumbledore thought in year four that he would be the thing I would miss most. And I did go to him first in the Triwizard tournament." Harry looked at Hermione quite seriously. "But there is no way in hell that I would ever consider sucking his cock. Yet the girls are doing virtually the same think to each other and it doesn't even phase you."
"Well, that was the case for you and Ron. The girls, however, have an emotional intimacy that I don't think you two felt, so after Emily started asking all of her questions about sex and oral sex after seeing Jamie and Alex, I knew that they might do this, regardless of anything I might say to dissuade them. Harry, even if they were lesbian or bi-sexual, I know you would not love them any less."

Is the author seriously claiming that the friendship between Harry and Ron is worth less because they don't suck each other off? And would he not love them any less for being into girls, or is he "dismayed" at the idea?

February 14, 2005
"Are you sure you want to skip dinner?" Jamie asked, as she and Alex nervously made their way up to the seventh floor.
"I can't think about food," Alex answered, holding her hand even tighter. "The only thing I want on my menu tonight is you."
"Oh! That sounds bad in a good sort of way," Jamie teased as they hurried along the corridor to the stretch of blank wall opposite the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy.

No, it's Hogwarts Exposed dialogue. It just sounds bad in a bad sort of way.

"Okay, we must walk past this wall three times, concentrating hard on what we need."
"I'm holding the hand of the only thing I need," Alex said, finding it difficult to fathom that in a few minutes he would at long last be making love with his best friend.
"Forget about me for a few minutes and concentrate on the room," Jamie scolded.

Isn't she the reason he's looking for the room?

When they turned for the third time, Alex said sharply, "Is that it?
The high polished door that Jamie told him about had appeared in the wall. Jamie reached out, grabbed hold of the brass handle, and pulled the door open.
"Wow," Alex said in amazement as they crossed the threshold of the cozily lit room. "This is unbelievable."
The room was toasty warm, thanks to a crackling fire in the ornate fireplace. In the center of the room was a heart shape bed easily large enough to sleep six. The floor, although having the appearance of being made of stone, was soft and springy with silk cushions flung all about.
On the side of the room opposite the fireplace was a marble, rectangular shaped pool sunk into the floor. The pool even had a diving board, and around the pool's edge stood about a hundred golden taps, each with a colored jewel set into its handle.

This might be the most description we've had of anything in the entire fic. (It's also an expy of the prefects' bathroom. It's surely not a coincidence that everything that gets a longer description is something that's already been described in the books.)

"This certainly beats the Astronomy Tower," Alex said as he soaked in the ambiance of the room.

The Astronomy Tower was where everyone went to shag before Order of the Phoenix revealed the Room of Requirement, which is why Jamie and Alex got it on in Exposed Chapter 24 when they were doing their revision up there. It's also why Ginny and Snape spent so much time there, and why the romance section of FictionAlley is named after it. Now retconning in the Room of Requirement as a place to go creates some interesting continuity issues: for instance, why did Snape and Ginny have to get the Hogwarts Main Line to London for their dirty weekends when they could just have snuck up to the seventh floor and nobody would have been any the wiser?

As her skirt slipped past her knees, Alex just stared at her now bare body. "I've seen you nude at least a thousand times since we were first years, but you always take my breath away."

Nudity: completely nonsexual!

"No need to sweet-talk me Mr. Ward. I'm not about to change my mind," Jamie said "but I also don't propose to be the only one in the room naked." Jamie wasted no time removing Alex's clothes, leaning down to kiss the head of his penis as it sprang free.

When I said those things aren't spring-loaded back in Chapter 17, I didn't expect to see it actually happen.

"Maybe too eager," Alex said as he lifted Jamie into his arms and tenderly carried her toward the bed. "I want tonight to be special for you, put I'm afraid I won't be able to last once I'm inside of you until you're… you know… ready."
Jamie chuckled as she gave Alex a hug. "Hermione gives you twenty seconds max."

Hermione does what now? No, she doesn't. There is no teacher in the universe who should be speculating as to the staying power of their students!

"What about you?" Alex asked nervously. "I heard that it might hurt and that you might even bleed."
"That's only if a girl's hymen is still intact," Jamie said. "With all the accidents and falls that I've been through, not to mention tampon use, my hymen is ancient history. Now are we going to talk about our fears and worries all night or are we going to make love?"
"I do love you Jamie," Alex said genuinely. "I only hope I can come close to physically showing you the love I have for you in my heart."

In Hogwarts Exposed sex scenes, "having wood" also refers to the dialogue.

At first they just kissed and held each other tightly. They'd done so much together, but tonight they were exploring new territory and they were both extremely nervous. Tonight they were joining, and this had a special significance for both Alex and Jamie. This wasn't a one-night shag, and they both realized this. They knew that this marked their giving of themselves to each other: there would never be another in either of their lives. After tonight they would be one, connected forever by unbreakable bonds.

You can't just tell us shit like this and expect us to believe it. What makes their relationship in general and this specific coupling in particular so special? We don't even see what they see in each other, let alone why this should matter to the wider world. Like I said way back in Exposed Chapter 24, the author might as well be bumping plastic dolls together.

Jamie could tell that Alex was nervous; she could feel him literally shaking as he first caressed her breasts and then gently kissed them.

LITERALLY COUNT: 33

He tried to move in order to pleasure her, but she would have no part of it. He would get his turn later. At this moment, he belonged to her! Alex tried in vain to relax as Jamie's nose and tongue continue their journey south, her hands still gently stroking the skin on his sides. Her tongue making ever decreasing circles on his flat stomach.

What, the '80s sitcom?

Alex was spellbound. She had never done this before. How did she know she had to be so gentle? Then her tongue glided up his shaft and her lips adeptly closed around him. She drove him crazy as she took him as far into her mouth as possible and then allowed him to slip out while tightly caressing him with her lips. That devilish tongue tormented the tip before she once more devoured him. All the while, her fingers were still gently, lovingly, holding his balls as if they were precious jewels.

What is it about bad erotica and the compulsion to mix purple prose with terms like "balls"? The clashing tone just makes it funny more than anything else.

Jamie was on her hands and knees looking loving into Alex's eyes.

Whilst sucking him off. I don't think that works.

He had a look of contentment on his face; her face had a look of triumph and satisfaction.

And this sentence is from the POV of an invisible voyeur who can see both of them, it seems. If I thought the author was in any way capable of using POV effectively, I'd wonder if this was foreshadowing for the end of the chapter.

He spread her legs further apart and then without warning buried his head between her legs and licked her moist pubic lips from the rear. He grasped her buttock and spread her cheeks apart and as he did so, ran his moist tongue the entire division of her cheeks.
Jamie was momentarily stunned. As much as she recognized that Alex loved her, it was quite unexpected that he would venture there, especially with his tongue.

I call shenanigans. How and why would it have occurred to him, on his almost-first time, that this was something he could do? I think someone's been on the wizard net a bit too much.

His gentle urging of her to turn over interrupted these thoughts. She was barely turned when, once again, a feeling of rapture enveloped her.



Jamie quivered as Alex, while still sucking on her breast, began to run his fingers lightly up and down her side, barely touching her silky skin. After a time, he reluctantly released her breast and moved further down her incredible body.

There's nothing to signal the POV shift here, so we're left with the impression that Jamie (not a conceited bone in her body, remember?) is thinking of her own body as incredible.

He stopped briefly to tease her tummy with his tongue. While his lips and tongue taunted her stomach, his hands moved to her thighs and, ultimately, to the valley of paradise tucked between them.

I'd make a comment about the valley of paradise, but really, that line sporks itself.

Alex was captivated by this part of Jamie's body but more so by the responses his touching and tonguing here produced. His fingers had barely touched her lips when Jamie began writhing on the bed. At first he restricted his play to the outside, but quickly he surrendered to the urge to slip his longest flange inside her.

A phalange is a finger. (Strictly speaking, a finger bone.) A flange, among other things, is a structure for holding pipes together. It's also, amusingly in the context of this scene, '90s schoolyard slang for a vulva. So basically this description is the equivalent of Draco putting his boy's thingie in Enoby's.

As he moved his finger about, Jamie shivered and moaned in the most pleasing of ways. Tonight, at long last, this finger would be replaced with not only his tongue, but also his penis. Alex would finally feel the sensation of entering paradise. After a few minutes, Alex tried adding a second finger.

Meanwhile, I'm adding a second finger to the one I've got raised at this fic.

The first time Alex pleasured Jamie orally, he had done so with great trepidation his only knowledge on the subject had come from the stories of inexperienced friends who had heard it from friends who had done it.

Or from people without the first clue bullshitting about it.

It seemed that a lot of boys found 'muff diving', as some called it, beneath their dignity. As far as Alex was concerned, this seemed like just another example of male chauvinism: guys expecting oral favors from their partners, but being hesitant to return equivalent.

In any other fic... he'd still sound like a self-righteous bellend, to be honest, but it wouldn't be quite so bad as Hogwarts motherfucking Exposed of all fics getting on its high horse about male chauvinism. Hermione would like a word, if you please.

But then Jamie wasn't the ordinary partner and neither was Alex. They both were more concerned with giving pleasure than receiving it, which made their bond exceptional.

So the answer to my previous question, what makes their relationship so special, is that it's a perfectly normal and healthy relationship. Seriously.

Alex stopped and raised himself up on his hands. This was it. The time had arrived.

*cue dramatic music* Anyway, they finish off, go for a swim in the not at all prefects' bathroom, she leads him around by his erect nob (ouch!) and then:

Jamie grabbed two towels with which to dry off and tossed one to Alex. Jamie laughed. "You do know that my sister would be unmerciful if she saw you like that. Personally, I wish it stayed that way all the time."
"So do I."
Jamie and Alex both looked nervously about. They weren't alone.

Spoiler: it's Moaning Myrtle's Hogwarts Exposed debut. Of course. Apparently.

Comments

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taekarado
Apr. 21st, 2013 10:21 pm (UTC)
i feel unclean just looking at this thing. like i need to brush my teeth. with acid.

one things been bugging me since this subplot got started. if alex and jamie have pleasured each other before... surely that means they arent virgins anymore? jamie even states that her "hymen is ancient history", so the idea of his noble penis breaking it for her is basically moot, so whats the point of it?

not touching the caitlin/emily thing with a barge pole. it is sick and wrong, both the act and how the parents react to it. it is wrong. im not being a varying mileage here, im stating a fact. it is 6 degrees outside and this is wrong.

...
...
*blurts* HOW THE FUCK WOULD A TEN YEAR OLD KNOW HOW TO MASTURBATE?!
szaleniec1000
Apr. 21st, 2013 10:33 pm (UTC)
one things been bugging me since this subplot got started. if alex and jamie have pleasured each other before... surely that means they arent virgins anymore? jamie even states that her "hymen is ancient history", so the idea of his noble penis breaking it for her is basically moot, so whats the point of it?

Now you mention it, there's been no elaboration on that point at all. As you say, there's nothing left to make this a Big Deal™. The author is lazy and doesn't show his working. He hints that it's something to do with Jamie being the daughter of the worst Seer in the universe and so Joining™ is important, but when it comes down to it the only thing he tells us that makes the relationship special is that it's normal and healthy. ETA: and it probably says a lot about our author that he's presented what the rest of us see as normal and healthy as something exceptional.

As to the rest... agreed.

Edited at 2013-04-21 10:38 pm (UTC)
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otakukeith
Apr. 21st, 2013 10:52 pm (UTC)
OK, did Neil completely ignore everything in PoA about the mechanics of Time Turners? Furthermore, what was the point of the whole 'Jamie dies in a terrorist attack' plotline if she was just going to get retconned back to life in 1 chapter? Other than leading into all the sex scenes, I guess...

Since [the Time-Turner] had been used in canon, I was able to avoid the saving of Jamie seeming like something contrived.

Dr. Cox disagrees.

Jamie and Alex maladroitly leapt to their feet

'Keith unrestrictedly laughed at this ridiculous use of an adverb.'

"I'm sorry," Jamie said, thrown off balance. "We were just…"

"Uh...my eraser fell in there* and Alex was trying to get it out with his tongue!"

*Link NSFW

It's not like there's much in the way of sex education at Hogwarts (a fact that the author will apparently later acknowledge by introducing it, and I'm sure it'll be every bit as bad as you'd expect)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWpdbXTQfnE

Emily turned toward Jamie. "Do you return the favor and suck Alex's penis?" she asked Jamie without the least trepidation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24GicRB7bTY

"Alex, are you and Jamie getting married?" Emily asked bluntly.

NOW she decides to act like she's actually 11 and has no idea about sex or relationships?

"Can we get back to talking about sex," Emily said

I've run out of reaction video ideas, so I'm going to fall back on psychoanalysis, which I was saving for later, but never mind. We joke about it, but Emily really does seem to have a one-track mind...which, as was noted earlier with Caitlin, is suspiciously like the symptoms of sexual abuse. Her and Caitlin jumping to engage in sexual activity just seems to confirm that they're incapable of relating to other people except through sex and sex-related things.

"I was inquisitive as to what was behind the shops to separate them from Muggle London," Alex added.
Hermione and Harry both exchanged glances, neither, until now, having ever given this a thought.


I HATE PEOPLE WHO SNEER AT SUPPOSED 'PLOTHOLES' IN CANON THAT COULD SIMPLY HAVE BEEN EXPLAINED OFF-PAGE BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T IMPORTANT. *seethe*

beefy oaths

Is that some kind of high-protein breakfast cereal?

I ALSO HATE WAND HOLSTERS.

"Not as good as I would have liked to have gotten," Emily admitted. "He wasn't just licking her; he actually had her spread open and had his tongue inside of her."

"I am totally okay with watching my sister engaging in sexual activity, because I am a pod person!"

Aaaaaand sexual experimentation ensues. I don't get the point of this development at all, since by all accounts it goes nowhere and since it isn't shown, it doesn't function as fanservice or anything else. I suspect that either the betas rebelled and something got cut, or it was just another random idea that went nowhere among the mishmash of 'comedy', angst, melodrama, and fifteen other disparate genres.

Once again, I don't get why Neil felt the need to use 11/12-year-olds for this plotline (aside from the obvious). One *can* attempt to write about sex and sexual awakening from a young person's point of view, but when they don't talk/act anything remotely like their supposed age most of the time, it becomes creepy, pointless and/or just stupid.

"Then spending years on the run, only to die at that evil woman's hands. At least she finally got what she deserved," Hermione said.

From Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 6:

Harry face reddened. “Yes, I was a muggle for five years. Left my wand with Sirius. Five years with no magic.”


Retcons, we haz dem.

"Don't Harry," Hermione begged, "you'll embarrass them. I think they may be doing a little experimenting."

"They're mixing rubidium with hydrofluoric acid! What could possibly go wrong?"

(TBC)
otakukeith
Apr. 21st, 2013 10:52 pm (UTC)
(blah blah veiled homophobia blah blah double standards blah blah girl on girl is hot blah blah)

Is the author seriously claiming that the friendship between Harry and Ron is worth less because they don't suck each other off? And would he not love them any less for being into girls, or is he "dismayed" at the idea?


I don't think the author had the faintest idea what he was babbling about, at this any this point.

"Are you sure you want to skip dinner?" Jamie asked, as she and Alex nervously made their way up to the seventh floor.

Oh, not these two at it again! Someone needs to force-feed Neil that memo about sex scenes not being 'bad', just unnecessary sex scenes.

What is it about bad erotica and the compulsion to mix purple prose with terms like "balls"? The clashing tone just makes it funny more than anything else.

THIS. http://youtu.be/B01o2xtJwgk

He spread her legs further apart and then without warning buried his head between her legs and licked her moist pubic lips from the rear. He grasped her buttock and spread her cheeks apart and as he did so, ran his moist tongue the entire division of her cheeks.

He then inserted Tab A into Slot B and folded along the dotted line, using a 7mm hexagonal Allen key to tighten the fastening...

(I have nothing to say about the rest of the Ikea Erotica and Purple Prose.)

Spoiler: it's Moaning Myrtle's Hogwarts Exposed debut.

Oh joy. Just when things couldn't get any Wackier.
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fly_buggy_fly
Apr. 21st, 2013 10:54 pm (UTC)
Sometimes, I like to "correct" bad fics...I will now do that with some of this:

"Harry and I know what you were doing," Hermione said quickly, trying fruitlessly to gain her composure. Her face now also a bright red, though more from anger than embarrassment. "I just wasn't expecting either of the girls to witness such… Well, I guess it will make explaining it a little easier. And I can't believe you would do such a thing on the floor of our quarters! And now Harry and I must explain this to the girls..."

Emily shook her head in frustration was making gagging noises. "EWWWW GROSS. Why would you wanna lick that? Pee comes outta there!"

Emily turned toward Jamie. "Do you return the favor and suck Alex's penis? Why are you letting him do something so nasty?" she asked Jamie without the least trepidation.

"Okay you two," Harry said, pointing to the chesterfield. "Time for a father, daughter, mother talk."

"Can we get comfy first?" Caitlin asked innocently.

"I suppose so No! I'm being serious; it's hardly time for you to get naked!" Harry said, trying very hard to sound strict. "Hermione, did you want to get comfortable, too? In fact, no one is getting naked!"

Hermione stared questioningly at Harry and then glanced toward Alex.

"It's your option, Professor Granger," Alex said timorously. "My parents had no problems with me visiting Jamie parent's last year and they knew the Zacherley's would all be nude." Alex squeezed Jamie's hand to comfort her. "I'm past the ogling at naked women stage.


"Are we going to talk about sex?" Emily asked keenly, a look of horror on her face.

-

Caitlin leaned over and whispered in Emily's ear. "I know I'm too young to have actual sex, but I'd love to experience what Alex did to Jamie today. She looked like she was in seventh heaven."

"I know what you mean, Eww, Caitlin, what's wrong with you??" Emily agreed shouted. "From the expression on her face it must have been pure delight I'd never let any one do something so gross to me."
gargargarrick
Apr. 22nd, 2013 06:16 pm (UTC)
You are the wind beneath my wings. :o Also, I should make an icon of "in fact, no one is getting naked!" for general Exposed-related use.
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duster
Apr. 21st, 2013 11:02 pm (UTC)
This is the chapter I was dreading. Because it confirms that everyone on the cast is a robot programmed to be vaguely human.

Apologies for the long reply, I have so much to say about this chapter.

Emily turned toward Jamie. "Do you return the favor and suck Alex's penis?" she asked Jamie without the least trepidation.
Having been an 11 year old girl (over a decade ago, lord I'm old) I can tell you from experience no 11 year old girl talks like she's your physician about to administer an STD test.

"Okay you two," Harry said, pointing to the chesterfield. "Time for a father, daughter, mother talk."
Assuming Alex is still here, why isn't Harry having a natural father reaction to walking in on his (adopted) daughter having sex and clubbing the offending boy with the nearest object that isn't nailed down?

"Alex, are you and Jamie getting married?" Emily asked bluntly.
Alex was caught off guard, but looked lovingly at Jamie who was now sitting on his lap. He gave her a brief hug. "Yes, we are. Actually we were just discussing it today. We still have a year at Hogwarts and then hopefully Auror training, but after that we want to get married."

Wait, aren't they 15? If you want to break the laws of marriage, Deserving is that way.

"Can we get back to talking about sex," Emily said with annoyance as she looked at her Dad. "How are we expected to know how to do things if no one ever teaches us or at least lets us watch them do it?"
WHOA WHOA WHOA. WHAT.


Everything about the psuedo-incest lesbian sex.
otakukeith
Apr. 21st, 2013 11:05 pm (UTC)
Wait, aren't they 15? If you want to break the laws of marriage, Deserving is that way.

Age of consent in the wizarding world in the Psychic Serpent universe (which HE is an offshoot of) is 15. Barb Purdom wrote a long and convoluted explanation, but it was clear she just wanted to have Harry and Hermione (and Ron and Parvati, and later Harry and Ginny) get it on in the 5th/6th books (as, let's face it, plenty of teenagers that age do) without having to worry about anyone objecting.
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warlock_female
Apr. 22nd, 2013 05:26 am (UTC)
Man at age 11/12 I didn't even know that non-hetrosexual people existed (super religious parents), let alone thought about having sex with my best female friend. OH wait, I'm a (lot) older, bi, and I STILL don't want to have sex with either my sister or best female friend. In fact just the thought makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm now really, really wondering if the guy who wrote this has any friends from his younger days or if he's all pissed off that they never wanted to have sex with him.
otakukeith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 06:44 am (UTC)
As noted above, it seems like Neil's characters just don't know how to relate to each other except via sex.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 03:56 pm (UTC)
"No, Harry!" she screamed, lunging for him.

"Please, take me with you! I don't want anymore of this nudist tripe!"
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:02 pm (UTC)
Since [the Time-Turner] had been used in canon, I was able to avoid the saving of Jamie seeming like something contrived.

Except the Canon!Time-Turner was given back to McGonagall at the end of their third year, you twat...
szaleniec1000
Apr. 22nd, 2013 06:20 pm (UTC)
She put it in the random box that Hermione stashed in the wardrobe and Harry stubbed his toe on back in Exposed 24. One of the flashbacks last chapter had her recall that the box was there and then realise what was in it.
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Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:02 pm (UTC)
Where is Ron in worldline C, then?

He's not a nudist, remember?
szaleniec1000
Apr. 22nd, 2013 06:20 pm (UTC)
Well, not yet.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:08 pm (UTC)
It wasn't the state of dress of the girl or even the fact that they were lying together on the floor that caused everyone to act in response; it was rather, the position of the boy's head and what he was doing to the girl with his tongue.

And then...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bL1ONR9e5eI&list=PL8B51CF0BD6819969&t=1m22s

Heh, if only.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:10 pm (UTC)
Emily shook her head in frustration. "Mum, Caitlin and I aren't six years old. We know all about sex and oral sex."

YOU ARE AN ELEVEN YEAR-OLD GIRL, YOU STUPID CUNT!!!

I hate this fic!
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:12 pm (UTC)
We still have a year at Hogwarts and then hopefully Auror training, but after that we want to get married."

What the fuck would qualify you idiots to be Aurors?
szaleniec1000
Apr. 22nd, 2013 07:03 pm (UTC)
Jamie has the grades, but I'm not sure she has the temperament. Alex we know sod all about.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:14 pm (UTC)
Secondly, does this alleged genius really think that learning about sex through voyeurism is an actual thing that most people do?

Oh dear god...

I just had an in my head of Neil teaching children sex through them voyeuring...on him.

I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if that was something that got his nut off.
otakukeith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 08:24 pm (UTC)
I remember reading a nonfiction book called The Boy Who Was Raised As A Girl where there was a so-called expert who actually seemed to think parents should be encouraged to get naked and (IIRC) engage in sexual behaviour in front of their kids.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:18 pm (UTC)
That's how much of a cock-up the time travel plot has become.


Not to mention that it violates the Stable Time Loop rules Rowling setup in the third book in favor of this stupid Timey Wimey Ball.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:21 pm (UTC)
"But why bother with Muggle means when they could have used an explosive curse from there wands?"

Lampshading your own stupidity does not make it any less stupid, Neil!
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:23 pm (UTC)
They too often got caught up in the joke side of their products, neglecting to see the practical implications.

Unsubtle Weasley-bashing, ahoy!
szaleniec1000
Apr. 22nd, 2013 07:08 pm (UTC)
It's the kind of thing you'd expect from ITWATN, except that Robst actually doesn't seem to mind the twins. A lot of the bashers in the days of the HMS STFU seemed to be authoritarians who concluded that they were bad people because they broke the rules, even though they only escalated beyond silly pranks when Hogwarts got taken over by Umbridge.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:26 pm (UTC)
"Caitlin, have you ever played with yourself?" Emily asked curiously. "You know, put your finger or anything else inside of you?"

Oh dear God...oh dear God, no...
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:29 pm (UTC)
... and cut.

IIRC, there was no explicit descriptions in the fanfic proper, either.

I recall reading the Das Mervin sporking of this scene mentioning that the entire sequence read like Neil originally DID write in a sex scene between Caitlin and Emily, but it was probable that one of his betas had him cut it for "FUCKING DO NOT WANT" reasons.

I'm inclined to believe that speculation.
szaleniec1000
Apr. 22nd, 2013 06:28 pm (UTC)
IIRC, there was no explicit descriptions in the fanfic proper, either.

Indeed. I just "cut" a bit earlier than the fic did because there was nothing else I could do with that scene.

I recall reading the Das Mervin sporking of this scene mentioning that the entire sequence read like Neil originally DID write in a sex scene between Caitlin and Emily, but it was probable that one of his betas had him cut it for "FUCKING DO NOT WANT" reasons.

I'll have a look. I've been re-reading the other sporking but waiting until I've sporked a chapter before reading it there, so I don't end up inadvertently plagiarising.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:31 pm (UTC)
So did he leave it in his tomb or something, or do we have yet another retcon?

RETCON AHOY, CAPTAIN!

What I don't get is why? Why bother retconning Sirius' death in the first place? Why not just roll with your established canon and be done with it!?
szaleniec1000
Apr. 22nd, 2013 06:33 pm (UTC)
That's what the author of Paradigm of Uncertainty did. She'd made Sirius the chairman of the International Federation of Wizards or something to that effect (a while since I'd read it) and also had a couple of well-regarded prequels by someone else that starred him as a central character, so she could hardly turn around and go "whoops, dead all along LOL" though something tells me this wouldn't have stopped Neil.
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Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:32 pm (UTC)
"Don't Harry," Hermione begged, "you'll embarrass them. I think they may be doing a little experimenting."

Yeah, nothing to see there. Just an eleven and a twelve year-old EATING EACH OTHER OUT IN THE NEXT ROOM!!!
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:38 pm (UTC)
Is the author seriously claiming that the friendship between Harry and Ron is worth less because they don't suck each other off?

Apparently, yes. BECAUSE NO ONE CAN EVER HAVE NEARLY AS GREAT A FRIENDSHIP WITH THOSE FILTHY WEASLEYS!

Now if you'll excuse me, mate, I'm going to go eat a gun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ot7oReRf6zs&t=16m31s
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:41 pm (UTC)
Isn't she the reason he's looking for the room?

Oh hai, szaleniec!
szaleniec1000
Apr. 22nd, 2013 06:34 pm (UTC)
Well played!
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Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:43 pm (UTC)
The Astronomy Tower was where everyone went to shag before Order of the Phoenix revealed the Room of Requirement

Why?
szaleniec1000
Apr. 22nd, 2013 06:37 pm (UTC)
Because it's out of bounds except for classes, so there's nobody around. It's fanon that it's specifically out of bounds because of people using it as a place to sneak off to, like the Hogwarts equivalent of going behind the bike sheds. And speaking of bike sheds, the broom sheds were (are?) also popular.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:45 pm (UTC)
We don't even see what they see in each other, let alone why this should matter to the wider world.

Not to mention: Aren't Jamie and Alex broken up by Underexposed, anyway?
zelda_queen
Apr. 25th, 2013 11:09 pm (UTC)
Kind of. From what I recall, Jamie understandably becomes distant and refuses physical intimacy with Alex after she was abducted and violently beaten and raped by the Great One/such cronies. Amanda basically tells her off for those, playing the "You're not the friend I used to know! D:" card, and saying that Jamie is being unfair to ALEX (even though Jamie argues that Alex understands why she doesn't want sex). Infuriatingly and against ALL LOGIC, this argument of Amanda's WORKS.
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Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:47 pm (UTC)
Whilst sucking him off. I don't think that works.

Actually, I've done the "eye-contact" thing myself, mate. It does have an...interesting effect on your mentality during the act.
Jeremiah Smith
Apr. 22nd, 2013 04:51 pm (UTC)
And this sentence is from the POV of an invisible voyeur who can see both of them, it seems. If I thought the author was in any way capable of using POV effectively, I'd wonder if this was foreshadowing for the end of the chapter.

Emily was spying on them and she was taking a videotape of them. And Caitlin was masticating to it.
szaleniec1000
Apr. 22nd, 2013 06:41 pm (UTC)
And that honestly wouldn't surprise me by this point. D:
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