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In This World and the Next Chapter 8

Deserving: I hate that you have a cock!
At taekarado's suggestion, ITWATN!Harry shall henceforth be known as SCBE, because he's a self-centred bellend.

Lucius Malfoy was mulling over the parchment he'd received from his son, once more thanking Merlin he didn't go angrily barging into that school to challenge Potter's rant against him. The boy was rampaging through the magical world like a horde of giants, flattening all who stood against him. Lucius was only a few school board votes short of being able to turf Dumbledore out of Hogwarts, these latest revelations alone wouldn't quite push his swaying supporters off the fence but it set the old fool up nicely for the biggest fall from grace ever seen.

SCBE is playing straight into the hands of Lucius Malfoy. In any other fic, this would be a sign that he being an idiot and really needs to stop. Speaking of idiots, Lucius seems to be the only antagonist so far who hasn't acted like one. I can't see that lasting.

He may have to allow Severus to take the fall as well though, in the grand scheme of things, this would be acceptable losses. The potion master's main duties were to spy on the old fool; if Dumbledore no longer resided in the castle then Severus would be free to use his talents exclusively for brewing more financially lucrative, totally illegal potions.

Ah, so that's where Deserving!Harry got the IHTYHAC potion. Why would Lucius soil the Malfoy name by hawking illegal potions, anyway? We saw him trying to sell off his Dark artefacts in Chamber of Secrets because he was afraid of being caught in their possession, not because he was strapped for cash. It's the same when he was salivating over the contents of SCBE's vault earlier: I can see him thinking to deprive his enemies of funds to give the Death Eaters a strategic advantage, but chasing the gold for its own sake would make him no better than Mundungus Fletcher in his mind.

Lucius could construct a lab in the manor and use his contacts to procure the more exotic ingredients, while taking a percentage at every turn. Dumbledore would be gone, Severus would be looked after and the Malfoys would make even more gold, that was how a Slytherin operated.

Because when you're an influential nobleman with a Hogwarts governorship and the ear of the Minister for Magic himself, there's nothing more ambitious than setting up the wizarding equivalent of a meth lab.

Dan answered the door to find an imposing woman standing there with an entourage, "Mr Granger I presume? I'm Amelia Bones and these ladies and gentlemen are members of the Magical Law Enforcement Department. Could we please speak with Sirius Black?"

Amelia's entourage literally do nothing in this scene. They're not even described. She might as well be accompanied by a group of clothes shop dummies in wizard robes.

Since she had the opportunity Amelia asked a question that was puzzling her, "Mrs Granger, you seem to be taking the children being married in your stride, I am guardian to my niece who's the same age and I don't know how I would react in similar circumstances."
Amelia Bones had built a career on being able to read people so could say with a degree of certainty that the smile which illuminated the woman's face was as genuine as any she'd ever seen. "Ah but that's purely down to the young man who capture my daughter's heart years ago, they've been best friends for a long time and anyone could see they were perfect for each other. Hermione had numerous educational choices available to her as she registers near the very top of the intelligence scale, when given the opportunity to study magic with Harry her mind was instantly made up. As a mother, Harry is everything I could want for my daughter, I wish they were a bit older but you can't have it all."

I'm sorry, but I can't get past this. I can just about buy the magical ring that creates a soul bond, however much of a cliché and however much I'd rather Hermione have had a bit more (okay, a lot more) agency in how it worked, but it makes absolutely no sense for it to extend to them being legally married without even having to sign the register or anything, even if they were old enough.

The group portkeyed from the Granger's

From the Granger's what? And stellar description there: all Portkeys look alike, after all.

"Albus Dumbledore it would appear that Slytherin house is harbouring a dangerous death eater, once again the safety of Hogwarts students is being compromised."
"Amelia I can assure you, Professor Snape is no threat to the students of Hogwarts. He has my complete trust and I find your accusations unfounded and offensive."
She couldn't hide her smirk, "I never mentioned Professor Snape, since you automatically jumped to his defence it makes me wonder why you immediately thought of him. This bears further investigation but I was actually referring to a different dangerous death eater who's currently hiding in the Slytherin dorms."

How does the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement not already know that Snape is a pardoned ex-Death Eater?

Snape couldn't keep quiet any longer, "Preposterous, more of Potter's lies aimed to discredit me. I want him charged with slander, libel and defamation of character."

Well, tough shit. He's eleven, as far as Snape knows, but with the POV all over the place in this fic I wouldn't be surprised if everyone knew everything.

Snape stormed from the hall with Amelia, the Potters, Minerva and Albus following close behind. Before leaving, the head of the DMLE gave an order that brokered no argument. "Everyone is to stay in the hall until we return. Anyone who doesn't will find themselves in serious trouble, and I'm not talking house points."
They found the marauders and aurors waiting for them outside the snake's den, it was time to spring the rat trap.



Peter Pettigrew was currently a dirty rat, ever since he'd entered the Slytherin dorm Wormtail had been shitting himself.

Yes, that's what animals tend to do.

His new owner Ron was not too concerned about taking care of his own personal hygiene, far less expend the time and effort to clean out his pet's cage.

I'm guessing that turning Ron into a terrible slob is supposed to make us hate him more, but for me it just makes me take him even less seriously as an antagonist.

The boy had also kept the cage locked tight as his dorm mates had threatened to decorate Ron's bed with rat entrails, the certainty that they weren't joking led directly to Peter's condition.

First-year Draco is a stuck-up bullying jackass, but I really don't see him disembowelling someone's rat and decorating the dorm with it. Next thing we know, he'll be shooting people with a crossbow from the top of the Astronomy Tower.

The moment the cage was open he would be off and running, until then he was a trapped rat as he couldn't transform back to human while confined.

Because the author said so.

Sirius stunned the rat before unlocking the cage and levitating the rodent onto the floor, He and Remus performed the spell together that transformed the rat into Peter.
Remus cast a spell to disarm the unconscious death eater when two wands shot into his hand, Harry hadn't expected this turn of events and had to be restrained by Hermione.
Sirius caught his actions and wondered what the problem was, "What's the matter kiddo?"
"That's Voldemort's wand, this piece of filth must have been in the house that night when his master killed mum and dad. I vote we do him now!"

That's not an image I wanted.

Harry had to think on his feet, "I remember my mother begging with Voldemort to kill her instead of me, when she wouldn't step aside, that wand cast a green curse at her. It then cast a green curse at me, I would know that wand anywhere."

And apparently the story that a one-year-old could identify a wand by sight is convincing enough for the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement to accept without question.

His revelation had shocked everyone, Harry used those few seconds to grab the wand out of Remus's hand and snap it. Ensuring that it broke cleanly and couldn't be repaired, not even by Dumbledore using the elder wand.

So a rebounding hex from no less than Hermione Granger can't put a wand beyond repair, but being snapped by an eleven-year old boy can. That says all we need to know about Hermione's power level in this fic. If nothing else, it explains the "shit wizard" thing.

Amelia's tone was cold as ice, "Mr Potter, you have just destroyed evidence!"
"No I haven't, it is still clearly Voldemort's wand. I just made sure it would never be used to harm another person again, if anyone has the right to snap his wand then it's me." Amelia had also lost family to this wand and, the more she thought about it was actually delighted it would never be used again.

Voldemort's wand is not the fucking One Ring. I can see the argument that the wand chooses the wizard and eleven-year-old Tom Riddle was already well on his way to darkness, but with Voldemort dead (as far as Amelia is concerned) it's really just another wand. Now of course SCBE broke it so that the new timeline's Voldemort wouldn't have access to it, because it's not like its connection to his own wand saved his arse in canon or anything like that.

Harry turned to the head of Slytherin, "There is your death eater Snape, hiding in the Slytherin dorm. Makes a mockery of your slander claim, don't you think?" Harry wasn't supposed to know that the rat had spent the last four years in the Gryffindor dorm so was saying nothing.

He wasn't supposed to know that Scabbers was Peter, but that didn't stop him.

Two Weasley brothers had spent the day being questioned by aurors before being interrogated by their Auntie Muriel, both knew which one had been worse. At least the aurors didn't criticize their parents and wild upbringing every second sentence. With the castle now in sight, the two brothers could finally see an end to the constant verbal blitzkrieg from the woman who was accompanying them.
Instead of feeling relief that their ordeal was almost over, Percy and Ron had both independently came to the conclusion that this was one more stain on them and their family from the Potters. The Potters mere presence in the Slytherin dorm was enough to make it all their fault in the eyes of these two jealous redheads.

What do you expect? They don't know shit about the other timeline and things nobody is supposed to know in canon yet: all they see is a pair of jumped-up pricks who seem to have it in for them for no apparent reason, and are never far off when bad things happen to them.

Their feelings of anger, leaning toward hatred, may not be based on fact but that didn't make their venom any less toxic. Any opportunity for some payback on the Potters would be grasped with both hands.

And I can't say I blame them in the slightest.

Horace Slughorn was enjoying his return to Hogwarts, though staying at the Three Broomsticks for now. He was the quintessential Slytherin who used his contacts and influence to get what he wanted. Horace had the biggest prize in the wizarding world within his grasp so was proceeding very cautiously.

For once, the author seems to have a handle on Slytherin characterisation here.

Both Potters had impressed Horace with their aptitude and knowledge of potions, with their friends also willing to learn, it quickly became one of the most pleasant first year lessons he could remember teaching.
Hermione was forced to keep a close eye on Harry during potions as his temper was very near the surface, it wasn't as bad as their defence lesson with Quirrell but came close.

It's not like she could do anything if SCBE did go berserk. ITWATN!Hermione is helpless against a shit wizard, let alone a Gary Stu.

Here was the man who knew what Tom Riddle was up to yet never said a word, had he mentioned horcruxes to Dumbledore then the old wizard would have been certain Voldemort wasn't dead and had an extra decade to search for them. Instead he'd lied and even falsified his memory in order to protect his image as a jovial host who everyone wanted to know.

Slughorn didn't know what Tom Riddle was up to, because nobody had any reason to suspect at this point that Voldemort had made Horcruxes. This was before he came back from the dead the first time, and that one brief conversation was the only evidence anyone had that he knew about them at all. In fact, Slughorn may not even have modified his memory yet: I'm guessing he only did that when he made the connection between it and Voldemort's apparent immortality.

In all honesty the man made Hermione feel sick, she could forgive incompetence, even understand greed but to allow a murdering megalomaniac to survive over some weird kind of vanity almost had her vomiting. That phony smile behind those calculator eyes really turned her stomach.

Once again, we're being told we should hate someone for something he's not only not done yet but is unlikely ever to do in this timeline.

Albus Dumbledore was having trouble sleeping. It wasn't so much a guilty conscience keeping him awake, more that some of his secrets were going to be revealed when they eventually questioned Severus. While his potions professor's involvement in the Potter deaths would not be well received, the revelation that there was a prophecy in play would be a disaster for Albus.
Having this information, Albus knowingly placing the chosen one into an environment where he would be denied knowledge of magic was indefensible. Not unless he wanted to mention that their saviour had to die because the lad had a bit of Voldemort's soul in his head. Albus really didn't want it becoming known that the only plan he had involved manipulating Harry Potter into willingly letting Voldemort kill the lad.

This is supposed to be around the beginning of Philosopher's Stone. Nobody knows about the Horcruxes yet, least of all the one in Harry's head. Dumbledore only became aware of them when he realised what Tom Riddle's diary had been.

He'd spent the last two days calling in every favour he was owed to no avail, Amelia was relentless on the need for Severus to face questioning under truth serum and Cornelius was backing her stance. Pettigrew's trial and sentence were quickly dealt with and the former Gryffindor wailed like a baby as he was led to the dementor. Remus Lupin and Sirius Black had sat unmoved as their former friend was half dragged, half carried toward his fate.

Because it's not like keeping him alive and in Harry's debt did any good in the books. Oh, wait.

Hermione could actually feel the excitement radiating off her husband as she woke, "What's got you in such a good mood this morning?"
His eyes were almost glowing, "Hermione, not only is this the day we learn to fly a broom but we get to go home for the weekend straight after it! It doesn't get much better than that."

I still don't get the going home for the weekend thing. Now some real boarding schools do have kids who go home for the weekend, and if the author had gone with that rather than tying it into the marriage lark it would have made a lot more sense.

She snuggled into him, "Are you going to get yourself placed on the Quidditch team this time around?"
He thought for a moment before answering, "I don't think so, it was always flying I loved, Quidditch just gave me that opportunity. When the new house is finished I'll be able to fly every weekend and at the holidays, I could do without all the injuries I received the last time."
"I for one won't miss sitting in the stand, biting my nails while you almost get yourself killed. We had Riddle jinxing your broom, Dobby jinxing a bludger and not forgetting the special guest appearance by the dementors. All that before we get to the dirty tricks by the Slytherins and Cho making cow eyes at you. I think I'd rather be at home with my husband than watch him defying death to try and win a bit of tin."

Quidditch gets a raw deal in fanfic, and is all too often used as an excuse for writers to soapbox about how much they hate the idea of sport in general. At least I know this isn't going to happen here, not with an author who closes the chapter with a completely random Gordon Strachan quote (more on that later), but I could have done without the gratuitous Cho-bashing.

Harry couldn't help but chuckle, after the life they'd led a school game of Quidditch just didn't seem so important any more. "What would you like to bet the old man objects to my Gryffindor offer?"
"Well I would say that was as likely as a certain Weasley spending Friday night in the infirmary."

Conspiracy to commit aggravated assault on an eleven-year-old boy. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

Harry kissed his wife, "You know me too well love, I suppose we'd better get up and start the day?"

I've held off on commenting how the author doesn't know how to punctuate dialogue properly, because that would just be beating a dead horse by this point. However, I must point out the ridiculousness of using an action that blocks his mouth as a dialogue tag.

When the time came to head out onto the grounds, Harry couldn't hide his disappointment at the brooms laying there waiting for them. He was certain the old man would object but thought McGonagall would have been able to force it through.

Harry has bought new school brooms over Dumbledore's objections. It would have made more sense to introduce this fact before he starts wondering whether they're there or not. The author claims to have a beta, but the fic as posted shows all the signs of being a first draft.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Madam Hooch barked, "Everyone stand by a broomstick. Come on, hurry up."

At least Hooch is teaching kids to fly in this fic rather than feasting on her colleagues' nipples.

"Stick out your right hand over the broom and say, UP!"
Cries of "UP!" rang out along both lines until broken by Ron's sarcastic laughter, "What's the matter Longbottom? Oh sorry, I forgot squibs can't fly brooms."

What does Ron have against Neville? We haven't been shown how the changes in this timeline have affected Ron's relationship with Neville, so it's clear that he's just executing the whim of the author here. As such, it's hard to care about this scene.

Malfoy and his goons joined in Ron's laughter

Wait, I thought Ron's housemates all hated him. Continuity!

until Neville practically growled "UP!" causing his broom to move with speed and force. It didn't actually move up though, instead it shot straight forward and struck its target with amazing accuracy.
Both the distance and quality of broom involved meant that it probably only just reached into double figures for miles per hour, this proved quite fast enough for Ron Weasley as the end of the broom impacted with his groin.

ITWATN might as well be titled "Ow, My Balls!" for all the times this happens. Considering the reason we're meant to hate Ron in the first place, it's not quite as Freudian as HE!Hooch meeting her end by being impaled on a unicorn horn, but it's getting there.

Hooch was ready for a rant, "I complain to the headmaster about these every year, and every year I'm told there is no money in the budget to replace brooms. These are the best we have available but I fear it's going to take a student being seriously injured before something is done about this."
Minerva removed a shrunken holdall from her pocket, "Mr Potter has provided brooms for his housemates to learn with, after hearing stories of how bad the school brooms were he purchased a set for Gryffindor. I wanted to see for myself how bad the situation was and am now convinced we need to search for patrons to do the same for the other three houses."

And here the brooms are introduced, after they've already been introduced. It would have taken all of five minutes to restructure this scene to flow in a more logical order.

After unshrinking the bag, Minerva began distributing new brooms to her house.
Draco of course couldn't keep his mouth shut, "Cleansweep's Potter? My father would have bought Nimbus two thousand's for Slytherin."

He'd have done better to spend the money on a tutor to help him with his punctuation.

Before any of the staff could say anything, Harry cut Malfoy down to size. "Well that makes your father an idiot, then again we had wondered where you got it from. Giving students who've never flown before top-of-the-line racing brooms is more likely to get them killed than flying the crappy thing you're using."

I have to give credit where it's due here: using high-performance brooms to train first-time flyers would be stupidly dangerous. It would be like learning to drive in a Ferrari.

They were about thirty feet of the ground and flying in a very wide circle when Draco dive-bombed the end of their line from above, he was climbing back up when his laughter was terminated by an audible crack. His broom split in two as Draco fell from the sky, making a detour through a tree's branches en route to his painful meeting with the ground.
Hooch ordered them all down when Tracy Davis's ancient broom chose that precise moment to fail without any assistance from Harry, she screamed almost as loud as Malfoy when gravity exerted its fatal pull on her body.

Yes, we've established that the school brooms are crap. That doesn't stop it being a ridiculously contrived coincidence to have two brooms fail in quick succession. Tracey Davis, incidentally, is a Slytherin who isn't named in the books but appears in JKR's notes. That the author even knows she exists amazes me considering how bad he is with just the book canon.

Harry took off like a heat-seeking missile in an attempt to intercept the girl before her face hit the grass, everyone else could only watch in wonder at the scene playing out at speed before them.
Tracy thought she was a goner, her whole life flashed before her eyes and it didn't bloody take long, there was so much more she wanted to do. Suddenly she wasn't falling anymore but looking into the greenest pair of eyes she'd ever seen, Tracy was somehow lying across Harry Potter's broom and his arm was wrapped around her. She realised that the screaming she could hear was coming from her and closed her mouth, there was nothing she could say to this boy that could in any way express her gratitude.

That's not a problem. She can just swear herself to the service of the Most Noble and Sparkly High Archduke of Self-Centred Bellendery.

Harry brought them both into land and Tracy was engulfed in a hug from her best friend Daphne, Harry found himself being shouted at by Pansy Parkinson.
"You save her Potter yet let my poor Draco fall, what are you playing at?"

Philosopher's Stone, remember? Pansy and Draco aren't an item yet.

Harry's eyes bored right through the girl, "Your 'poor Draco' was attempting to unseat some of my friends, he attempted a dangerous manoeuvre that the old broom couldn't handle. Him lying there is entirely his own fault. Tracy on the other hand was just quietly flying along when her broom stopped working, that is why I provided new brooms for my friends."
Tracy Davis came over and knelt at Harry's feet, "Lord Potter, I owe you a life debt and await your request for payment of that debt."

I was actually joking. Now, with her being a Slytherin, I'm guessing that she's playing along with the "Lord Potter" bollocks so she can manipulate him and usurp his power. That would be a lot more interesting than what the author probably has in mind.

Harry stood straighter, "Miss Davis, as Lord Potter I recognise that debt. As payment, from this day onward, you shall repay that debt by calling me Harry."
He helped an astonished Tracy to her feet, he could have asked anything of her, or the Davis family, yet granted her an easy out. Her eyes sought out Hermione for permission to thank her husband, with a smile and a nod she granted her wish. Tracy kissed Harry Potter on the cheek, "Thank you Harry, you are a gentleman in more ways than one. Hermione is a lucky witch!"
Harry was actually blushing, he pulled Hermione to him. "No Tracy, I'm the lucky one."

A girl getting close to SCBE. She needs to be careful, or else ITWATN!Hermione... actually, she doesn't need to be careful at all.

None of them had seen McGonagall return and almost jumped when she spoke, "Personally I think Miss Davis is the lucky one. Madam Hooch, I am suspending all flying using school brooms until they can be replaced. Mr Potter your rescue and reactions afterwards are to be commended. Fifty points to Gryffindor for saving a fellow student, protecting your friends with the gift of brooms, promoting house unity and your actions afterwards that were exemplarily."
Harry was really blushing now, McGonagall almost smiled. "I know you both are setting off home now but please come and see me first thing Monday morning, I need to introduce you to Oliver Wood."
As McGonagall assisted Hooch in getting Draco to the infirmary, Hermione was trying not to laugh. It would seem the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Like Teddy Lupin being born when the timeline has changed so much that there's no damn way Teddy Lupin can be born.

Albus was lying in wait for them as the two happy students joked with each other along the corridor.
"Mr Potter, could I have a quick word?"
Harry stopped and gave the old man a hard stare before giving a one word answer.
"Velocity"

Of all the uncritical gushing over this fic, this is the line that everyone seems to single out for praise and is one the author didn't even write. It's based on an exchange between the legendarily snarky football manager Gordon Strachan (now manager of the Scottish national team, but not at the time this chapter was written) and a reporter to whom he didn't want to give a quick word.

Comments

( 48 comments — Leave a comment )
taekarado
May. 18th, 2013 06:13 pm (UTC)
ohmigod i made an influence! *hugs self* sorry to be ego-y but being shouted out to always makes me feel fuzzy inside. also, damn, youre on a hot streak.

Ah but that's purely down to the young man who capture my daughter's heart years ago, they've been best friends for a long time and anyone could see they were perfect for each other. Hermione had numerous educational choices available to her as she registers near the very top of the intelligence scale, when given the opportunity to study magic with Harry her mind was instantly made up.
Bones: Mrs Granger, your daughter is eleven years old, and Mr Potter has put it on record to his teachers that he was isolated for the majority of his childhood. Unless they were penpals, it is virtually impossible for the two of them to have gotten to know each other in such a short space of time. Hogwarts is the only wizarding school in Britain, and as dentists you would not have sufficient income to send her off to learn in Beauxbatons, Durmstrang, the Salem Witches' Institute, or Mahoutokoro, all of this for over seven years, so her choices are in fact limited. Now, could you please cut the crap and give me the real information, Mrs Granger?

oh, thats the context for that video you reblogged the other day.

Peter Pettigrew was currently a dirty rat, ever since he'd entered the Slytherin dorm Wormtail had been shitting himself. (..) His new owner Ron was not too concerned about taking care of his own personal hygiene, far less expend the time and effort to clean out his pet's cage.
okay, author, now youre just making shit up. ron wouldnt have been allowed to take scabbers with him if he hadnt demonstrated the skills needed to look after him, peter or no peter.

Once again, we're being told we should hate someone for something he's not only not done yet but is unlikely ever to do in this timeline.
so. my girlfriend is coming over here on monday. lets say everything goes to shit, she turns completely ooc and murders my family. according to this author, would i then be justified in going back in time a few years, finding my girlfriend (who in all likelihood wasnt even gay yet, let alone had met me) and burning down her house?
if the author said yes, then he is fucking legitimately psychotic.

Because it's not like keeping him alive and in Harry's debt did any good in the books. Oh, wait.
...my memory of deathly hallows is a little fuzzy. what good DID keeping pettigrew alive do in the books?

We had Riddle jinxing your broom, Dobby jinxing a bludger and not forgetting the special guest appearance by the dementors. All that before we get to the dirty tricks by the Slytherins and Cho making cow eyes at you.
oh, thats right, just lump harrys first crush in with dementor appearances.
(ive just had a thought. why is it that dating a man or two before harry makes ginny the victim of slut-shaming hate, while harry gets away scot free for dating cho before her?)

it's not quite as Freudian as HE!Hooch meeting her end by being impaled on a unicorn horn
...
...im just going to wait for the context of that. that is gloriously cracky.

is it me, or does the whole scene seem to be painting hooch as a villain too, or in the very least further damning dumbledore for getting everyone shoddy brooms? brave sir harry can do no wrong in his eyes; nothing can ever be his fault. faulty brooms in his first year? CONSPIRACY.

As payment, from this day onward, you shall repay that debt by calling me Harry.
a) redundant. b) i notice he never told arthur to do that. what did tracey do to earn such respect?

so, the moment that everyone fangirls about in this fic... is stolen from an interview, mostly out of context. id expect nothing less from the brain-geniuses of our generation.
szaleniec1000
May. 18th, 2013 08:34 pm (UTC)
ohmigod i made an influence! *hugs self* sorry to be ego-y but being shouted out to always makes me feel fuzzy inside. also, damn, youre on a hot streak.

I know how you feel - I always like getting a shout out too. :) Yes, I've been feeling quite creative of late.

oh, thats the context for that video you reblogged the other day.

I was waiting for a chance to use that song. This author is a big fan of overwrought metaphors, and it was only a matter of time before they collided. It was originally inspired by Mitch Benn hearing an interviewee on the radio talking about how the world is (yes) standing on the precipice of a runaway train.

okay, author, now youre just making shit up. ron wouldnt have been allowed to take scabbers with him if he hadnt demonstrated the skills needed to look after him, peter or no peter.

Even if we assume that the Evil™ Weasleys cared nothing for the welfare of their rat, a teacher would surely confiscate a neglected pet at Hogwarts.

...my memory of deathly hallows is a little fuzzy. what good DID keeping pettigrew alive do in the books?

He let Harry escape from the dungeon of Malfoy Manor, and was strangled to death by his own silver hand for betraying Voldemort.

...im just going to wait for the context of that. that is gloriously cracky.

I don't normally talk directly about things I've not sporked yet, preferring simply to allude to it (HTE Chapter 22 got this a lot) but this is ridiculous enough to be an exception.

is it me, or does the whole scene seem to be painting hooch as a villain too, or in the very least further damning dumbledore for getting everyone shoddy brooms? brave sir harry can do no wrong in his eyes; nothing can ever be his fault. faulty brooms in his first year? CONSPIRACY.

I thought the general rubbishness of the school brooms was a commentary on the inevitable state of school equipment, victim of budgets that are never quite enough and the ravages of successive hordes of children. Everyone remembers the wobbly chair, the crooked ruler and the calculator where you had to wallop the times key for it to work.

so, the moment that everyone fangirls about in this fic... is stolen from an interview, mostly out of context. id expect nothing less from the brain-geniuses of our generation.

And he gets away with it as long as the Potterfen reading it don't also happen to be football supporters.
fly_buggy_fly
May. 18th, 2013 07:32 pm (UTC)
That phony smile behind those calculator eyes really turned her stomach.

Calculator eyes! I love it XD

That totally made me think about this, because it is also a wrong word that enhances and makes something already LOL-worthy funnier.

And Cho's "cow eyes"...Isn't that supposed to be "doe eyes" or just "making eyes"? I've never heard of it being called "cow eyes" before.

Also, one of my BIGGEST peeve's ever is writer's who use apostrophe's when they're making a word plural or adding an S. That's not how it work's, guy's!

Edited at 2013-05-18 07:34 pm (UTC)
szaleniec1000
May. 18th, 2013 08:36 pm (UTC)
He has the eyes of a calculator. She has the eyes of a cow. Together, they fight crime!
taekarado
May. 18th, 2013 09:02 pm (UTC)
its the expanded adventures of number cruncher and milky way! *peppy theme song*
fly_buggy_fly
May. 18th, 2013 09:44 pm (UTC)
RE: my first comment
But only if this can turn into a crossover so Sunny and his diplomas can join them!
often_partisan
May. 18th, 2013 11:21 pm (UTC)
Gordon Strachan-isms are too good for this crap argh!

szaleniec1000
May. 18th, 2013 11:57 pm (UTC)
I couldn't agree more.
sith_droideka
May. 19th, 2013 12:31 am (UTC)
No! What did poor Slughorn do to you?
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 07:23 am (UTC)
Probably "being a Slytherin." Even though he was one of the POSTIVE examples of a Slytherin from the books...
zelda_queen
May. 19th, 2013 03:22 am (UTC)
"In all honesty the man made Hermione feel sick, she could forgive incompetence, even understand greed but to allow a murdering megalomaniac to survive over some weird kind of vanity almost had her vomiting."

Um, Slughorn didn't repress the memory because of vanity. He did it out of GUILT. He couldn't face the idea that he might have provided Voldemort with the information to become immortal, and was ultimately convinced to give the memory up by being told it would make amends for what he did!

I frigging HATE when Suethors vastly simplify issues like that. >_
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 06:49 am (UTC)
There's Completely Missing the Point and then there's Robst.

I mean, remember when the author invented some stupid way to destroy Horcruxes and then proceeded to USE his fanfic canon to bash on Canon!Dumbledore?
szaleniec1000
May. 19th, 2013 09:03 am (UTC)
That wasn't about the Horcruxes; it was about how Dumbledore did nothing when Molly charged into the Great Hall (which everyone seems to be considering a much greater threat than it was, since she was totally unarmed and was taken down by someone for whom a shit wizard is too great an obstacle) but listed alongside a whole bunch of what the author considered to be his failings from canon.
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 09:20 pm (UTC)
I was talking more about the exchange between Harry and Hermione that took place AFTER Robst introduced that stupid element to the plot. It reeked very heavily of Author Filibustering.

but listed alongside a whole bunch of what the author considered to be his failings from canon.

Didn't that list essentially boil down to "Dumbledore wasn't a perfect character with perfect clairvoyance and foresight, therefore he sucks!"?
szaleniec1000
May. 19th, 2013 09:57 pm (UTC)
I was talking more about the exchange between Harry and Hermione that took place AFTER Robst introduced that stupid element to the plot. It reeked very heavily of Author Filibustering.

It was basically "wouldn't it be great if Dumbledore had told us about this totally non-canon shit!"

Didn't that list essentially boil down to "Dumbledore wasn't a perfect character with perfect clairvoyance and foresight, therefore he sucks!"?

Yes. Effectively a walking perfect solution fallacy.

Edited at 2013-05-19 09:57 pm (UTC)
duster
May. 19th, 2013 04:43 am (UTC)
This fic is a perfect example of why bashfics suck because it does one thing almost all bashfics (and a good majority of shipfics) do. They create a shallow universe that pretty much only exists to service one or two characters.

In the books there's multiple stories and subplots going on. The wizarding world is rich with different places, people, races, even cultures if you want to get into sentient magical creatures. Each character has their own goals and tempo. But in bashfics and shipfics every character has a job that really only contributes to the protagonists' endgame, sidecharacters be damned.

Eventually the whole universe revolves arounds your protagonists and it makes the setting and characters more shallow than a dried up kiddie pool.
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 07:22 am (UTC)
Yes, but as we all know, the multi-layered, intricate, and lively wizarding world that JKR constructed was all shite! Just ask Robst!
szaleniec1000
May. 19th, 2013 08:57 am (UTC)
It's my least favourite thing about fanfic in general. I get that you might want to focus on the characters you like the most, but even then, a large part of what makes any character interesting is how they shape and are shaped by the world they inhabit.
gargargarrick
Jul. 15th, 2013 02:37 am (UTC)
On the other hand, I’ve also seen fanfiction that expanded on an existing shallow universe and made it feel much deeper and more real, so this does go both ways. Just more frequently in one than the other, alas.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 15th, 2013 07:46 pm (UTC)
Potterfic can be very good at this, and was even more so before all the books were out when there were more gaps to fill in. The period between Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Phoenix in particular gave us some fascinating takes on the Potterverse that established a lot of the fanon we know today. As I've mentioned, this is exactly what Neil appears to be trying and failing to do.
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 06:48 am (UTC)
Now of course SCBE broke it so that the new timeline's Voldemort wouldn't have access to it, because it's not like its connection to his own wand saved his arse in canon or anything like that.

I thought the author liked Goblet of Fire, for how much he bangs on about Order, Prince, and Hallows being horrible...

He never really did explain WHY he hates those books, did he?
szaleniec1000
May. 19th, 2013 09:12 am (UTC)
Indeed. I'm only guessing that it's because they sunk his ship, but he also doesn't like the way Dumbledore (you know, the most powerful wizard in the Potterverse and Harry's headmaster to boot) wasn't subservient to Harry's every whim.
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 06:50 am (UTC)
Voldemort's wand is not the fucking One Ring.

It's funny because I kinda factored Voldemort's wand into my fanfic's second trilogy revolving around the revival of Salazar Slytherin...
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 06:51 am (UTC)
They don't know shit about the other timeline and things nobody is supposed to know in canon yet: all they see is a pair of jumped-up pricks who seem to have it in for them for no apparent reason, and are never far off when bad things happen to them.

Which, apparently, makes them evil as well...
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 06:53 am (UTC)
It's not like she could do anything if SCBE did go berserk. ITWATN!Hermione is helpless against a shit wizard, let alone a Gary Stu.

It's getting to the point where I'm having trouble determining the bigger Weak!Hermione: HE! or ITWATN!Hermione...
szaleniec1000
May. 19th, 2013 08:44 am (UTC)
I can't get over the "shit wizard" thing, especially with it happening twice, but then HE!Hermione did get herself and the entire Hogwarts faculty outwitted by Crabbe and Goyle. It's a tough call.
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 06:56 am (UTC)
Because it's not like keeping him alive and in Harry's debt did any good in the books. Oh, wait.

Yeah, but don't you remember: Deathly Hallows, with its culmination of every single thing Rowling foreshadowed throughout the series, was complete and utter garbage! Just ask Robst!
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 06:57 am (UTC)
All that before we get to the dirty tricks by the Slytherins and Cho making cow eyes at you.

It was Harry who dogged after Cho, you bint! Don't go bashing on one of my favorite secondary characters, Robst!
szaleniec1000
May. 19th, 2013 08:27 am (UTC)
He hasn't even tried to justify the Cho-bashing, either. She was also the reason they didn't want to be Sorted into Ravenclaw, not that anyone in this fic is smart enough to be a Ravenclaw anyway.
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 07:00 am (UTC)
Conspiracy to commit aggravated assault on an eleven-year-old boy. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

And fucking Robst wants to go and say that these are the same characters we came to love from canon!?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU6EA8GALUU&list=PL0FCD2FAD914F8A0D
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 07:02 am (UTC)
"What's the matter Longbottom? Oh sorry, I forgot squibs can't fly brooms."

Why in the hell is Ron getting Draco's dialogue, now?
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 07:05 am (UTC)
Wait, I thought Ron's housemates all hated him.

To the point where they wanted to fucking GUT HIS RAT AND DECORATE THE DORM WITH ITS ENTRAILS!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hUZEuSGA4
szaleniec1000
May. 19th, 2013 08:42 am (UTC)
I see that being a useful clip. I might make a gif of it.
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 07:11 am (UTC)
"Lord Potter, I owe you a life debt and await your request for payment of that debt."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CahM29t9mtc&t=33s

Where's that Diamanda Hagan gif when you need it...

Edited at 2013-05-19 07:12 am (UTC)
szaleniec1000
May. 19th, 2013 08:29 am (UTC)
I considered using it, but thought it was too soon after last time. :D
Jeremiah Smith
May. 19th, 2013 07:15 am (UTC)
It's based on an exchange between the legendarily snarky football manager Gordon Strachan (now manager of the Scottish national team, but not at the time this chapter was written) and a reporter to whom he didn't want to give a quick word.

It's probably because the fuckwits who praise this garbage aren't soccer fans...

Of all the uncritical gushing over this fic,

There are people who LIKE this shite!?

Well, then again, Hogwarts Exposed had something of a fanbase, too...
szaleniec1000
May. 19th, 2013 09:22 am (UTC)
When I said my review* felt like a voice in the wilderness, I meant it.

* If Ron was such a "s**t wizard" that he couldn't even put a Body Bind on two Muggles successfully, how exactly was he able to overpower *Hermione* of all people *twice*? Such an obvious plot hole at such an early stage doesn't bode well for the rest of the fic.

In over 4000 reviews, I seem to be the only person who's noticed that. Even the negative reviews didn't pick it up. *headdesk*
katistrophe
May. 19th, 2013 12:03 pm (UTC)
" Next thing we know, [Draco]'ll be shooting people with a crossbow from the top of the Astronomy Tower."
Hm... if that would mean that ITWATN!Draco will get shit flung at him... but then again, if anything, SCBE would make a better target by far.
Also, SCBE kind of sounds like it could be an abbreviation of a title.
szaleniec1000
May. 19th, 2013 12:11 pm (UTC)
That one piece of informed villainy aside, ITWATN!Draco doesn't seem any worse than canon!Draco. If anything, he doesn't look as bad because SCBE (and I see what you mean about that abbreviation XD ) and his entourage are so terrible.
duster
May. 19th, 2013 08:28 pm (UTC)
The new nickname was a fridge realization for me. "A what? What's a bellend? -after reading the whole chapter- OH. HARRY'S A DICK."
szaleniec1000
May. 19th, 2013 09:51 pm (UTC)
For the record. I used it in passing when sporking the earlier chapters, and it kind of took off.
szaleniec1000
May. 19th, 2013 10:09 pm (UTC)
(I also used it to describe Alex in HTE22:

It seemed that a lot of boys found 'muff diving', as some called it, beneath their dignity. As far as Alex was concerned, this seemed like just another example of male chauvinism: guys expecting oral favors from their partners, but being hesitant to return equivalent.

In any other fic... he'd still sound like a self-righteous bellend, to be honest, but it wouldn't be quite so bad as Hogwarts motherfucking Exposed of all fics getting on its high horse about male chauvinism. Hermione would like a word, if you please.

It's a very versatile term.)

Edited at 2013-05-19 10:10 pm (UTC)
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 1st, 2013 02:37 am (UTC)
"Mr Potter, could I have a quick word?"
Harry stopped and gave the old man a hard stare before giving a one word answer.
"Velocity"


Funny enough, I finally caught something about this passage that bugged me that I didn't really take notice of before:

The author explained the joke before telling it.
gargargarrick
Jul. 15th, 2013 02:44 am (UTC)
I think another problem with Quidditch is that it's hard to write games without it sounding like “Harry got some points. He really likes points. He flew really fast and got more points”. Games are somewhat like sex in that doing them can be fun and watching them can be fun, but reading about them can easily get very, very boring. As such, as with erotica, we should probably be grateful that lesser writers simply avoid it rather than trying to take on something they definitely can’t handle. (Of course, Rowling usually avoided this in canon by using the games as a device to advance the main story, rather than focusing on the sport itself — which is why all those Quidditch games got interrupted.)
Also, why does everyone in this story communicate entirely through comma splices? It’s starting to actually cause me physical pain, in that reading every line of dialogue as an enormous run-on sentence is giving me a headache. The sudden Noble House of Potter sighting does not help.
As a general thing, I’m honestly wondering why this story was even written. It seems to be an unceasingly expanding pile of misery and torment for everyone involved, readers included. What aspect of it is in any way enjoyable? Even My Immortal was supposed to be entertaining in some way (as fashion fanservice or a troll, your choice); even The Most Ominous Threat was clearly a sort of coping mechanism for the author to deal with things that scared him; even Chibiusa’s Birthday was theoretically written to turn someone on, however horrible it was in practice. But what is ITWATN for? How and why was this seen as a good idea by anybody?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 18th, 2013 08:21 am (UTC)
Hell, even Hogwarts Exposed had a purpose of sorts. In fact, part of its problem was that it had several purposes that often conflicted with each other, which is what leaves it looking like it's been pasted together from bits of a hundred other fics.
taekarado
Jul. 20th, 2013 10:12 pm (UTC)
...do i want to know what the most ominous threat is?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 21st, 2013 08:34 am (UTC)
Final Fantasy characters take on Osama bin Laden.
Jeremiah Smith
Aug. 8th, 2013 05:09 am (UTC)
Holy shit, that sounds awesome.
( 48 comments — Leave a comment )

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