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Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 23

Hogwarts Exposed: Hooch: om nom nom
Hogwarts Exposed has trouble with pacing, to put it mildly. In the first fic, Chapter 23 had so little going on that the author himself forgot all about it. At least there we had Harry and Hermione's wedding still impending, so we knew that the story was heading for a conclusion of sorts. The end of the last chapter of Too Exposed, by contrast, leaves us with an overwhelming feeling that there's nowhere to go from here. We've had the plot-hole-ridden time travel to bring Jamie back from the dead. We've had the Caitlin/Emily thing for which this story is rightly infamous. We've had a sex scene that was every bit as bad as you'd expect, after which Moaning Myrtle appears because apparently she can access the Room of Requirement.

Yeah, about that. Was she floating through the plumbing on the seventh floor when she thought "I could do with seeing some naked people right now" and found herself in there? Or is it just that everyone in Hogwarts Exposed thinks that all the time anyway?

Jamie dropped her towel and reached for her wand.

Makes a change from reaching for Alex's wand, I guess.

"You won't need that," said the ghost of a very glum-looking girl sitting cross-legged on the bed. "I'm just window-shopping for something I'll never have. You're very pretty."
"Thank you," Jamie said timorously.
"Not you!" said the ghost. She pointed to Alex who had hastily wrapped a towel around his waist. "Him!"

Useful tip: if your OC is meant to be so fit that even the ghosts want him (Myrtle, admittedly, but still) it might be a good idea if we had even the first clue what he actually looks like. He's not had a single line of description in the entire fic. Here's his introduction, way back in Exposed Chapter 4:

Suddenly Hermione pointed at a group of three students that had just exited their carriage and were now walking across the grounds toward the castle steps arm in arm.
"Does that remind you of anyone Harry?"

So he looks like Harry, or like Ron, or like male!Hermione, and even that's supposition. Literally all we know about him is that he's a boy of Jamie's age, he's apparently quite a looker (but not enough that anyone except Jamie had noticed before, and she's kind of biased) and he's a complete arsehole.

"You're…you're Moaning Myrtle?" Jamie said. "I've heard tell of you.

Yea verily, forsooth.

Don't you haunt one of the toilets in the girls' bathroom on the first floor, the one that's always out of order?"
"The name is Myrtle," the ghost responded indignantly. "You'd have occasion to moan too if you'd spent the last sixty years existing in the U-bend of a toilet."
"You live in a toilet?" Alex questioned unbelievingly.

Introducing a canon character who the readers know but the characters themselves don't is tricky. As in this case, it's easy to turn it into a reiteration of that character's first appearance in canon. Alex even asks, "You live in a toilet?" with the same disbelief as Ron when he learns of Myrtle in Chamber of Secrets, except that JKR trusted her readers to infer that the outburst was an unbelieving question without having to hold our hands.

"All alone, ever since I was killed," she moaned. "There was a nice boy with black hair and glasses that I invited to share my toilet with me, but he…" She broke into tears. "He didn't die in the Chamber of Secrets like I had anticipated he would."
"Are you referring to Harry, Harry Potter?" Jamie asked.

No, she's referring to the man on the fucking moon.

"You wouldn't be planning on dying soon; would you?" she added hopefully.
"No he wouldn't," Jamie shouted protectively. "Is that all you do? Spy on Hogwarts boys as they bathe."

"No, I also correct their punctuation."

"No," Myrtle said defensively. "I spy on the girls, too. There isn't exactly a lot for us ghosts to do. I remember seeing you in the prefect's bath last year. You were only there that once; did I frighten you off?"
"No," Jamie said, the memory of that morning returning.

The memory of that morning that was never mentioned until now, despite having taken place last year, and therefore during the time period of the first fic. Foreshadowing: how not to do it.

"I simply preferred being with my friends in the dormitory, but I remember that morning and feeling as if I were being watched."

Quick question: when was Jamie last in the dorm?

"That was me," Myrtle said, almost proudly. "You're different than most girls. Usually they clutch their towels to their bodies tightly and yell for me to go away. You're talking to me and don't seem remotely embarrassed."
"That's because I'm a naturist," Jamie proclaimed,

Really? I'd never have guessed.

"but if I promise to come visit you in the girls' bathroom, would you go away for now? I don't want to be rude, but Alex and I were sort of busy."
"Were you going to have sex?" Myrtle asked breathlessly. "May I stay and watch? It's something I've never seen and something I'll never get to experience."

So much for the wizard net.

Jamie hesitated momentarily, feeling very sorry for Myrtle, until she saw Alex's face. There was no way that they could be intimate in front of an audience, even a ghost.

Apart from the readers.

"Myrtle, sex is something private between two people that are in love. We couldn't do it with you watching; it would make it seem sordid," Jamie said.

Something that seems sordid, in Hogwarts Exposed? Surely not.

"I promise you though that if you give us our privacy now, I'll come and visit you tomorrow and tell you what it feels like."
Myrtle was reluctant to leave, but decided that a descriptive conversation was better than nothing.

A descriptive anything is basically nothing in this fic.

"I'll come visit you in your bathroom immediately after my last class," Jamie promised.
"Would it be possible for him to drop the towel before I leave?" Myrtle asked, almost pleaded.
"I don't think so," Jamie said. "Alex isn't a naturist. He's rather embarrassed for his privates to be seen."
As Jamie was speaking, however, Alex did something extremely unanticipated.

He turned into a convincing three-dimensional character.

He loosened his towel and let it drop to the floor.

That wasn't extremely unanticipated. I don't think the author could have telegraphed that less subtly if he'd tried.

"Myrtle, if it's all right with you, I'd like to come and visit you with Jamie tomorrow," Alex said.
Myrtle stared at Alex, her face carrying an expression that actually resembled a smile as she stuttered, "Th... that would b… be nice," before disappearing, with a swooshing sound, down the drain.
Jamie just stood staring at Alex and shaking her head. "You never cease to amaze me Mr. Ward. What possessed you to drop that towel and tell Myrtle you'd accompany me tomorrow?"
"Everyone makes fun of her; calls her 'Moaning Myrtle'." Alex said.

He'd never heard of her before this scene and the fact that people make fun of her wasn't even mentioned.



"I feel sorry for her. If dropping my towel gave her a smile and made her existence more bearable, I'm glad I did it," Alex admitted unashamedly.
Jamie had a tear in her eye. "Add another entry to the long list of reasons why I love you," she said.

Making a grand total of... one entry, from all we've seen. I'm not exaggerating here. Nowhere does the author actually explore their feelings for each other in any but the most superficial way, perhaps because he can't seem to stay in anyone's POV for longer than a few sentences. Unless they're being tortured.

"Meet me in the middle of the bed, and I'll show you just how much."

And mercifully the scene ends there.

"Do you suppose they've done it by now?" Hermione asked as Harry held her tightly stroking her pregnant belly.

Did I say mercifully? Silly me.

"I'm sure," Harry said. "You and I would be on our third go round by now."
"Yes, but Alex might not be a sex maniac like you," Hermione suggested.

Finding someone who's not a sex maniac in Hogwarts Exposed is about as likely as finding believable dialogue.

"ME! Are you insinuating that you weren't an enthusiastic partner in our sexual antics?"
"No, I'm not saying that," Hermione admitted. "Sex with you will always be on top of my list of favorite activities."

I think this pillowtalk was better in the original Vulcan.

Hermione paused briefly and then said. "Harry if anything ever happens to me, promise that you'll remarry. I don't want you alone for the balance of your life."

MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 49

Were there really not any in two whole chapters? *searches* Huh, apparently not. Except for one in a copypasta flashback, and I'd be a right bastard to count that, but it brings us to a nice half-century so why not.

MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 50

"Is this a case of 'do as I say and not as I do'?" Harry asked. "If I recall correctly, two years ago you had sentenced yourself to die an old maid. Besides, I thought we had a pact to die together."
"We do, but something other than battle could take one of our lives. Women sometimes die giving birth," she offered as an example.
"That won't happen to you," Harry asserted. "Poppy and Caitlin wouldn't allow it."
"I know. That was just an illustration," she said.

If Hermione knows it's a bad example, she's not going to use it.

"To marry someone when your heart will always belong to another," Harry said. "I can't picture myself ever holding or kissing another woman without thinking of you and wishing she were you. That wouldn't be fair to her. What woman would want to enter a relationship knowing she would always be second in someone's heart?"
"One that loves a man very much and is willing to be second choice rather than not be a part of his life at all. Katie Bell is that sort of woman," Hermione confirmed.
Harry looked at his wife in a confused manner. "We're not talking about us any more, are we?

I'm surprised at this point that the author didn't actually put "Hermione confirmed, changing the subject".

I mean Katie and I were together for a while during the summer between my six and seventh year, but that was more a case of convenience and desire for sexual fulfillment rather than real interest or love."
"No, I'm not talking about us," Hermione said. "Severus asked my advice, and I didn't know what to tell him to do."

There's nothing I can possibly say that would make this image of Snape asking Hermione for relationship advice any dafter. AU and OOC nothing: this is just plain surreal.

"Then he is seeing Katie; the sly old dog.

Harry is not going to go "the sly old dog" at the idea of Snape getting off with anyone, even leaving aside the rather questionable ethics of him getting busy with a subordinate who he's known and been in a position of authority over since she was eleven. Twice. When you add the fact that Snape/Lily is a thing in the HEverse, because the author (or whoever he got the idea from) anticipated it, Harry's reaction is more likely to involve a frantic dash to the toilet and about as much positivity as this review.

I thought there was an awful lot of smiling and winking going on between them," Harry said.

None of which we were actually shown, of course. Once again, you don't foreshadow something by going "oh, btw, I totally called that" after the thing you're meant to be foreshadowing. I'll take the author's usual ham-fisted approach over that.

"He is, and likes her quite a bit, but he can't seem to get over Ginny and move on with his life," Hermione said, sounding rather frustrated with the situation.

Why does Hermione care so much about Snape's love life? Even if he wasn't, well, Snape, he's her boss and shouldn't be going to her for relationship advice anyway.

"Weird isn't it?" Harry commented. "To my mind there is only one sensible choice. Forget about Ginny, because she'll never be fully over Draco,

In a more interesting fic, Harry might have his own motives for wanting Ginny away from Snape, even leaving aside the aforementioned issues.

"When I was living in the Muggle world, I kept having a recurring dream about you and Ron." Harry said shaking his head. "At times it seemed so real. The two of you had, of course, married shortly out of school. He was a famous Quidditch player and you were a successful Healer."
"My parents had always wanted me to be a doctor," Hermione said.
"I know," Harry replied. "That's probably where I got the idea. Anyway, to make a long story short, you both fell out of love and he cheated on you with his agent. They ended up getting married and having loads of kids."
"Did you and I eventually get together in the dream?" Hermione asked, kissing Harry's cheek.
"Yes, but I had to chase off to Brazil after you," he said. "You were so obstinate and independent."

Now this is interesting, because it's clearly a reference to another fic, and brings to mind something otakukeith mentioned in the comments here:

I wonder why on Earth Neil called the judge 'Ebony'? It's not a real first name as far as I know outside of My Immortal, so I wonder if it was a reference to the author of the Paradise series (Trouble in Paradise and its sequel(s))? That series actually shared some similarities with Hogwarts Exposed, being very Harmonian in its outlook - Ron cheats on Hermione who has been in love with Harry all along. I gave up on it after a bunch of torture stuff in the second fic was followed in the next chapter by GRATUITOUS BRAZIL, and not the Terry Gilliam film. For some reason I can't remember, Hermione ends up living in Rio with a Muggle she escaped from the villains with, buying a bikini and working as a waitress in a strip club. Then Harry shows up, spouts some hilariously bad and possessive dialogue, and they finally get together. The first fic was actually good...

As such, I'm convinced this is the source of the reference. It seems to match up. In fact, Yahoo confirms it:

Neil, did you give credits to Ebony for the part from Trouble in Paradise? (for those of you who haven't read it, it was the part where Harry tells Hermione his "dream")

So there we have it.

Hermione smiled. "That's why you and I are so good together. You let me be an individual and don't try to direct me."

By the standards of the 1950s, perhaps.

"Speaking of direction," Harry said, changing the subject.

Okay, now you tell us that you're changing the subject. Why? What's the point? What, precisely, was going through the author's head when he sat down and said to himself, "I think I should tell the readers that Harry's changing the subject now!"?

"What course will our lives take if you are unable to convince the governors on Friday to consent to Amanda remaining in school?"

The governors won't let a girl remain in school just because she's pregnant, but are perfectly fine with the head screwing two of his subordinates. Makes perfect sense.

"You know me too well," Hermione said, nestling closer to Harry.
"I don't have any plans to quit my job in protest, if that's what you asking." Then she added, looking dismayed, "Severus doesn't think our chances are very good. The real stumbling blocks will be Phineas T. Buster and his wife, Balla. They've been on the Board for over a century and both loath change. Severus says Balla is a real prude."

Even knowing ahead of time that Hogwarts Exposed features a character called (sigh) "Balla Buster" didn't stop me facepalming when I read this.

The "over a century" bit comes from the fact that when this was written a lot of people thought that Dumbledore was as old as Nicholas Flamel, despite the fact that this being possible would defeat the point of the Elixir of Life, so were busy fanwanking aging schemes for wizards. If you remember, way back at the beginning of the first fic, Harry thought that Hermione was an epic genius for knowing what should logically be common knowledge in the wizarding world. Which tells us all we need to know about the author's approach to Hermione's intelligence: like her independence, we're always told about it but rarely shown it.

"I can't do this!" Ron grumbled. "People are only supposed to be naked when they have sex or take a shower. Not when they sit down to dinner."
"You never seem to have a problem with me being nude the majority of the time," Samantha protested.
"That's because you're a girl, a very attractive girl. Girls look good naked, but it's gay for a guy to parade around like this," Ron argued.

OH TEH NOEZ TEH GAYZ0RZ! I don't even get what he's trying to say: why do naked men want to shag each other whereas naked women don't?

"What will Timmy think?

Oh, bloody hell, don't tell me he's in this chapter.

"Mum! Daddy's nudie like you and me." Timmy said excitedly. Then his eyes became engorged as they came to rest on Ron's organ.

All of them, in fact, because he'd just been disembowelled by a rampaging T. rex that then ate everyone else and there was much rejoicing. The End.

Little Timmy looked up at his Mum in amazement. "Daddy has a great big wee-wee."

Wait till you see his Xbox.

Sam couldn't help but giggle as Timmy stared in wonder at Ron who had turned crimson red and was trying to hide his erection. "Yes he does. He most certainly does," Sam said lifting Timmy into her arms and giving him a big hug.

The thing about Hogwarts Exposed is that it gets worse. That's the overriding theme of the entire fic, whether the author intended it or not. Then along comes a chapter like 22 of Too Exposed, the one with the underage pseudo-incest and a sex scene worthy of weepingcock, and I'm left wondering how it could possibly get any worse. And here's the answer.

"I believe that concludes all the business before the Board with the exception of the Amanda Pierce issue," Phineas Buster announced. "I move that she be immediately expelled. Those in agreement please signify."

I like how the author didn't even bother setting up a strawman here: we don't see Buster's arguments at all.

"Excuse me," Severus said interrupting Phineas, "Aren't we going to discuss the matter first? Professor Granger has been waiting in the outer chamber for over two hours to address the Board on the subject.
The governors exchanged glances of varying surprise, most seemingly unaware that Hermione was planning to testify.
"Yes, I received your owl stating that the learned Professor would like to address us," Mr. Buster said patronizingly. "I really feel it is a waste of our valuable time."
"It most certainly would be," Balla Buster, concurred. "The little trollop got herself pregnant and thus must pay the consequences. Hogwarts is a school of witchcraft and wizardry, not a school of sin and fornication."

I'm unconvinced that the stereotypical "disapproving old lady" the author seems to be going for would be quite so direct in her condemnation. The character he wants us to think she is would find a way of implying exactly what this dialogue says without resorting to vulgar comments in a professional setting.

"But if Professor Granger has been waiting that lengthy a time to address us, we should at least afford her the respect of listening to what she has to say," Amelia Bones urged.
Much to the chagrin of Phineas Buster, many of the other governors agreed with Ms Bones.

How did Buster display this chagrin? Show, don't tell!

"Very well," Phineas said reluctantly. "Headmaster Snape, will you please ask Professor Granger to join us?"
As Severus stood to go and get Hermione, Phineas commented not the least bit softly to his wife. "This should be good; the tart defending the trollop."

How did they survive on the Board for over a century with such an unprofessional attitude? And how are we even supposed to take them seriously as antagonists? It's Sergeant Anders of the Puppy-Punting Patrol all over again.

As Hermione entered the room, she glanced at the faces of the twelve governors, trying desperately to hide her feeling of total despair. At age fifty, Amelia Bones was easily the youngest board member; she at least acknowledged Hermione with a smile.

Amelia Bones has the same "token reasonable authority figure" role here as she does in ITWATN. The author seems to have forgotten his own aging scheme, even as he merrily writes about characters being over 150 as though this happened all the time. Let Hermione the exposition fairy certified genius explain:

At age fifteen magically our aging slows dramatically. From fifteen to seventy-five we only age at one fourth the rate of a muggle

So saying that the Board are all over fifty as though this made them washed-up old fossils is the equivalent of saying that they're all over twenty-three (and three quarters) in the real world.

Hermione had immediately recognized Professor Tofty and Griselda Marchbanks from her O.W.L. tests

"Look at me, I've read Order of the Phoenix!"

and was shocked to discover that Neville's grandmother was on the board as well.

Augusta Longbottom, you'll recall, has fallen victim to a minor in plot terms but still unpleasant character assassination, being effectively blamed for Neville assaulting Hermione in Exposed Chapter 12.

The balance of the members,

MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 51

she had never met before, but they all shared one commonality; they were, for the most part, ancient.

I think we've mentioned this already.

"Professor Granger, the Headmaster informs us that you would like to address us prior to our expelling of Amanda Pierce," Phineas Buster echoed in an irate voice. "Please make it brief since it is already past noon."
Hermione had intended to maintain her composure, knowing that it would serve no good purpose to anger the governors, but the way this arrogant bastard addressed her made it sound like she was an annoyance and that Amanda was already out.
"I'm sorry that you feel I am wasting your time," she said, addressing the entire board, but directing her gaze at Phineas Buster, "but I feel a young woman's future is of more importance than stuffing our faces. I'm sure you can survive." Hermione looked intently at Buster's portly stomach.

Because what this serious and dramatic scene really needs is a fat joke.

"We have to guard the reputation of the school," Balla Buster said, smugly. "Perhaps Miss Pierce should have been more concerned about her future when she decided to act as foolishly as she did."

Now this is more like I'd imagine a character like (for fuck's sake) Balla Buster to act. Notice how she's conveying just as much disapproval here as she did when she was talking about it more directly.

"Phineas!" chided Amelia Bones. "We are here to discuss Amanda Pierce, not assault Professor Granger."
"Thank you Ms. Bones," Hermione said, leaning her elbows on the table and rubbing her face.

I know how she feels:



"They should abstain," Bella Buster bellowed.

Try saying that when you've had a few.

"May I ask how old you were when you and Mr. Buster were married?"
Bella dithered before finally saying, "Thirteen."
"In your day some young girls were forced into marriage before they had even truly become women. Times have changed and even men and women have physically changed since you were married. We have now outlawed prearranged marriages

Since when? Nothing we've seen so far in the story has suggested that arranged marriages are illegal in the wizarding world. For that matter, arranged (as opposed to forced) marriages aren't illegal anywhere that I'm aware of.

and made consensual sex illegal until age fifteen,

The circumstances in which they did this are utterly ludicrous and can wait for a full sporking until Overexposed Chapter 11, in which they're expospoken by Ron of all people. Suffice to say for now that the age of consent has been fifteen since the 16th century and magically enforced by modifying witches' DNA, which apparently they knew all about back then, whereas this dialogue implies that the change only happened in Buster's admittedly long lifetime. Continuity, yet again, be damned.

but at the same time, children now physically mature sooner.

Which on the face of it is true, but it's also something that gets trotted out a lot by paedophiles and ephebophiles trying to justify themselves. Hogwarts Exposed being what it is, I'm reluctant to extend the benefit of the doubt here.

"We have to stop living in the past and recognize that many of our students will engage in sexual activity while at school. Although we should certainly be encouraging abstention, we should also make students aware that potions are to be had that will prevent pregnancy.

As these only exist when the plot calls for it, I don't think they can exactly be relied on.

"You, Professor Granger, are a disgrace to the teaching profession!" Phineas Buster blasted.

I don't know why the author thinks that dialogue tags like "Buster blasted" are at all conducive to high drama.

"What you propose would have our students running naked in the halls and fornicating at every available opportunity. But then I imagine that would be consistent with your lifestyle."

Burn!

Hermione was finding it difficult to remain civil with Buster continually insinuating that she was some sort of low life slag.

Again with the abrupt tonal shifts: "low-life slag" doesn't go at all with the rest of this sentence.

"I think it will send a strong message not to have sex, at least not without serious thought and proper precautions," Hermione stated. "I doubt many girls will be tempted to follow in Amanda's footsteps. She will be a living poster girl for what not to do."

Rather like Hogwarts Exposed. Anyway, the governors are about to vote when a wild Draco appears.

"Professor Malfoy asks that he be allowed to address the governors," Severus said, worryingly. "He has information he feels the Governors should be aware of before they vote.
Phineas Buster shook his head crossly as he looked at the clock. "Very well, but make it brief," he bellowed. "We've already wasted more time on this matter than it is worth."

You're the one who raised the matter in the first place!

"Thank you, sir," Draco said smugly. "I just felt it my duty to advise the board that this issue has gone beyond a matter of simple expulsion. It seems that a few imprudent members of the staff have decided to support Granger in her effort to change long standing school policy."
"What exactly do you mean by support?" Buster asked heatedly.
Draco gave one of his unnatural laughs. "It seems that they intend to go out on a sympathy strike if Miss Pierce is ejected from the school."
"Fools," Buster said pompously. "We'll terminate the egg headed bastards.

He paused to twirl his moustache.

Severus, you have a list of qualified substitutes, do you not?"

Where was this guy when Snape was putting a student in charge of classes?

"I have a few, but only for certain subjects," Severus answered. "Something like this has never happened in the history of Hogwarts.

I'm sorry, but you're not going to convince me that of all the problems faced by Hogwarts in its 1000-year history, a dispute over whether to expel a student (albeit for unreasonable and implausible reasons) is the one thing that finally drives a member of staff to threaten to walk out in protest.

Exactly how many of the staff are we talking about?"
Draco wavered before saying, "Two."
"Two!" Phineas snorted as his wife chuckled. "We'll have them out on their arses if they miss one class," he said viciously.
Hermione sighed, starting to think this was all a bad idea. She wanted to help Amanda, but instead it looked like she might end up causes two of her colleagues and friends their jobs.

Her colleagues and friends who she hardly ever interacts with because she, Harry and the Sues spend the whole fic in their cosy little bubble, you mean?

What she despised most, however, was the grin on Malfoy's face. The bastard seemed to be enjoying this.
"I'm sorry," Draco said. "I'm afraid I inadvertently misled you. When I said two, I meant that only two of the staff hadn't agreed to the work stoppage."

ZOMG TWIST!

The expression on Phineas' face suddenly turned to one of concern. "You mean that only you…." He hesitated as he thought. "Only you and Filch? You two are the only ones to show loyalty to the board over her." Buster gave Hermione a look of disgust.
"Actually, Argus, was a great help to me in obtaining everyone's support. The two teachers that haven't agreed are Potter and Granger. They weren't asked," Draco said with a smirk.

I'm sorry, but that doesn't make this any less of a deus ex machina. There's been no indication that Draco and Filch have been mobilising support among the Hogwarts staff. The fact that Harry and Hermione themselves were in the dark isn't an excuse considering that not only are we not limited to their viewpoints (as I keep pointing out, we're not limited to any one character's viewpoint even within a single sentence) but it's possible to provide clues without directly telling us and them what's going on. That's the entire point of foreshadowing.

"Are you going to be teaching, cooking, cleaning, or doing the laundry?" Draco asked. "It seems the Potters are very well liked by the house elves, but you have more pressing problems. At lunch, I informed the students of what was transpiring and had them owl their parents. Is it true that a Governor can be recalled if the parents of over fifty percent of the students so vote?"
Buster was speechless, as was his wife. Hermione just stared at Draco. What had happened to the boy that thrived on calling her a mudblood?

The Draco Trilogy happened to him.

Hermione ran to catch up with Draco. "Draco," she yelled. He stopped and turned toward her.
"Thank you," she said, kissing him on the cheek.
"Don't go all mushy on me, Granger. It's still me, Ole Draco. I've not suddenly become one of the good guys."

See what I mean?

"But what you did in there," she said, looking confused.
"Nothing has changed. At some future meeting, we'll undoubtedly be at each others' throats again," Draco said dismissively. "Some things will never change. I'm a pure blood and you're a muggleborn."
"But…"
"I was concerned that you might have a fit and end up quitting," Draco admitted. "You might be an insufferable, know-it-all, but you're too damn good a teacher to lose."

Now this is something that could easily have been foreshadowed: just have Draco make a comment to this effect last time it looked like she might be getting into trouble with the management, then his suddenly coming out of thin air to save her bacon won't look quite so contrived. Anyway, time passes and we find ourselves in the Slytherin girls' dorm with Emily and Kim.

Emily seldom closed the drapes of her four-poster, preferring not to be so restricted. Her best friend Kim, on the other hand, not only closed her drapes tightly, but also charmed them to alarm her if they were touched. Kim didn't trust two of her dorm mates. She had this mental picture of herself sleeping while Denise and Janice gave guided tours pointing out her various body parts.

Because apparently the other girls are completely unfamiliar with these "various body parts". I get that this is supposed to be an irrational fear:

Emily thought she was paranoid.

... but of all the reasons to be wary about sleeping in the altogether in a shared dorm, I wouldn't have thought that was in the top hundred. Denise and Janice, if you don't recall and I wouldn't blame you in the slightest, are the two most useless villains in the history of villainy. Nothing they've tried to do has succeeded in hurting the protagonists even slightly, despite the Mirror of Ytidun being so convinced that they'd have somehow driven Kim to kill herself.

In a few minutes, a half-awake Kim joined her. "I like it when the other girls aren't here," Kim said. "I don't feel nearly as self conscious being nude."
Emily looked disappointedly at Kim, "I was hoping that you were getting used to being naked. It doesn't seem to bother you any more around Caitlin and me."
"You and your family are… well, I feel like I'm almost part of the family. It doesn't seem weird with any of you. The other girls still look a lot. Becky and Marta aren't nasty like Janice and Denise, but they still look."

Becky and Marta haven't been seen since they swore allegiance to Emily in Chapter 10 and didn't exactly set the world on fire when they were around before. All we know about them is that Marta apparently has a thing for Emily and possibly Kim as well. Emily tells Kim about the nudist cruise, and that there's a free space because Alex isn't cool with the whole nudist thing.

"You're sure this is okay with Jamie and your parents?" Kim asked excitedly.
"One hundred percent sure. They know how close Caitlin, you and me are. They'd love for you to join us."
Kim looked at Emily, elatedly. "Your dad will be nude. I'll get to see Professor Potter naked."

Fuck an expensive holiday with her friends: what really matters is that she gets to see Harry with his kit off. Speaking of which, they get dressed and Emily's outfit appears to be a rerun of Ginny's from Exposed.

"You're not seriously going to wear that?" Kim asked, not able to take her eyes off Emily. "It barely covers what it has to cover and I'm not even sure the skirt does that."
"You're exaggerating," Emily said defensively.
"No I'm not," Kim insisted. "The top just barely covers your breasts. If you reach your hands above your head, they'll doubtlessly pop out."

And as before, I'd be more surprised if the chapter ended without this happening.

"It's very pretty," Kim said, accepting defeat. "I can understand why you love it and hate to give it up. You wouldn't just this once consider wearing knickers?"
Emily looked at Kim as if she had said a bad word.

Like "continuity".

"I think perhaps I should have listened to you," Emily said in a conceding voice as they seated themselves at the long Slytherin table. "I'll change clothes immediately after breakfast."
"What made you change you mind?" Kim asked.
"My bare bum against the wooden bench. If there isn't enough skirt for me to sit on, it must really be short," Emily admitted. "It's a weird thing about being a nudist. I'm not the least bit bothered if anyone sees me totally naked or even gets a glimpse of my so called private parts, but it does bother me if people think I am purposely dressing to expose those areas."
"Most people probably wouldn't understand, but I believe I do," Kim said supportingly. "You don't dress skimpily in order to be sexy, but rather just because you hate wearing clothes."
"That's it," Emily said, relieved that Kim understood, "but most people can't identify with how naturists feel having to be clothed all the time."



The Great Hall, which on a school day was always crammed with students grabbing a good breakfast before the start of classes, was normally much calmer of weekends due to many students and even staff opting to sleep in. That was either apparently especially true today or everyone had eaten early, because with only fifteen minutes left before the end of breakfast, there were only about fifty students total at the four house tables.
The Slytherin table was especially empty with huge gaps separating those present. Dick Bancroft and his ever present shadow, Dennis Crow were seated at the end closet to the staff table, so naturally Emily and Kim had sat at the extreme other end. The only other Slytherins present were Denise and Janice who were on the other side about two-thirds of the way down the table and Tyler, who was on their side about mid table, sitting alone.
Emily and Kim were enjoying this relative privacy; using the time to talk about the cruise. Emily had just taken a sip of her orange juice when it happened. At first Kim thought the glass had slipped for Emily's hand and broken, but then she saw the blood and realized that Emily had crushed the glass.
Emily seemed oblivious to her injury as she stood up from the table, blood dripping from her bleeding hand. Kim tried talking to her friend, but Emily appeared to be in a trance, not even aware of her surroundings. When Emily spoke; it was with a voice not her own, but deep and raspy and so loud that her words echoed through the Hall.

"THE STARS PROCLAIM THE RETURN OF THE GREATEST DARKLORD

FROM THE BLOOD OF INNOCENTS FOUR,
THE GREAT LORD SLYTHERIN'S SPIRIT SHALL POUR.
TWO OF HIS OWN, SEER AND HEIR,
TWO OF HIS ENEMIES, HEALER AND HEIR,
TWO DROPS OF EACH, NOT ANY MORE,

WITH THEIR DEATH BY HIS HAND,
TO HIS BODY HE WILL BE RETURNED,
TO WALK THE EARTH A MORTAL MAN,
BUT WHEN SLYTHERIN AND EVIL ARE JOINED,
NOT EVEN THE COVENANT WILL BRING THE RESULT DOWN.

THE DARKEST OF TIMES THEIR JOINING WILL BRING,
SORROW AND PAIN WILL OFT BE THE FAME.
MANY WILL DIE DREADING THE NAME,
SALAZAR SLYTHERIN.

THE WORLD WILL HAVE BUT ONE HOPE
AND THAT IS TWO CUBED TO EIGHT
WITH HEALTH AND SIGHT AND SPIRIT BRIGHT,
THE HEART AND SOUL AND MIND WILL ADD THEIR WEIGHT

BUT ONLY WHEN THE FLAMING DAUGHTER
AND THE MOONCHILD JOIN THE FRAY
WILL THE WORLD DEFEAT EVIL
AND RETURN SLYTHERIN TO HIS GRAVE"


This is the first time we see the prophecy in its entirety. It's so important that it's in red in the original version of the fic: I rendered it in the usual blue because I use red to correct mistakes. And even that doesn't stop it being pre-empted for third-rate bawdy "humour":

When she finished speaking, Emily collapsed to the floor in an epileptic type of seizure. Kim was at a loss as to what to do as her friend violently gyrated on the floor, shaking and tossing about. Since Emily and Kim had been seated on the wall side of the Slytherin table, none of the members of other houses were aware of what had happened to Emily. Most were discussing what she had said, thinking she had perhaps fainted and would be attended to by staff. That was until Denise yelled to her cousin.
"Dick! Hurry, you can't miss this," Denise shouted. "Zacherley is having some sort of fit, she's tossing and turning about on the floor. Her skirt is nearly up to her waist and she doesn't have any knickers on."

And that's clearly more important and noteworthy than the fact that she's just, you know, prophesied the return of Salazar fucking Slytherin in the middle of the Great Hall.

You would have thought that she had announced that Honeydukes was giving away free candy. Not only Dick, but also every other student in the Hall, both male and female, ran frantically to witness the sight. But Tyler was nearest and, despite the fact that Emily hated him, he didn't hesitate to run and throw his body on top of hers to obstruct the other students from viewing her.
"Her breasts," Kim shouted in panic to Tyler. He had successfully succeeded in covering Emily's lower extremities with his body and was doing his utmost to maintain that coverage despite her gyrations, but now her breasts were also exposed. Not knowing what else to do, he quickly covered them with his hands.

All the better for an oh-so-wacky misunderstanding.

"Just what type of perversion is going on here?" Professor Malfoy said, looking down scornfully at the couple on the floor.

It's called Hogwarts Exposed.

Comments

( 92 comments — Leave a comment )
sith_droideka
Jul. 11th, 2013 06:59 pm (UTC)
And that's another "subplot" out of the way. I seriously forgot this thing was almost over.

And you know, every time I think I've seen the most ridiculous or cardboard villains, I see Hogwarts Exposed and get shown something worse. I mean, for example (taking Sword Art Online as my example since I'm going through its fanfiction right now):

Kayaba Akihiko is the "main" villain of the first half of the animé/first two books. He forgot why he even trapped 10,000 people in a death game! And yet... he's somehow a better villain than Balla Buster and her husband.

Or take Noboyuki Sugou, aka Oberon the Fairy King and villain of the second half of the animé/third and fourth books, who's the most transparent villain in the world and even makes a hair-sniffing machine so that he could sniff the female lead's hair in the virtual world (oh, and he molested her and tried to marry her in the real world while she was comatose and tried to rape her. Let's not forget that too.)! And he's more credible than Kim's "nemesis". Nemesises. Whatever.

Ugh, whatever. I still maintain that a drunk centaur made that prophecy and the upcoming cruise arc is one of the worst things that Neil has written, in my opinion. Little girl burlesque and super-horny werewolves, folks!

Finally, there is no way that Argus Filch would walk out on his job over a student getting pregnant. No. Way. Not quite as bad as Hooch the nipplemuncher or empathetic Snape, but it's up there.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 11th, 2013 07:07 pm (UTC)
The story doesn't even explore why Filch would do such a thing, only presenting it for the sake of "LOL look how wrong Buster is".
taekarado
Jul. 11th, 2013 07:00 pm (UTC)
THE WORLD WILL HAVE BUT ONE HOPE
AND THAT IS TWO CUBED TO EIGHT

...wha?

THE WORLD WILL HAVE BUT ONE HOPE
AND THAT IS TWO CUBED TO EIGHT


...thats... dumb. thats a stupid way of putting it. im sorry, thats just awful.

lemme guess: jaime, alex, amanda, harry, ron, hermione, ginny and luna are the eight? i dunno if this ever got a resolution, but im probably right. neil and subtlety have never crossed paths.
sith_droideka
Jul. 11th, 2013 07:11 pm (UTC)
No Weasleys allowed. They're filthy.

But I think it was discontinued before it got to that point. You can probably guess that Emily, Caitlin, Kim, and Claudia would've been included. And Amanda drops off the face of the earth at the end of this fanfic.
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zelda_queen
Jul. 12th, 2013 01:00 am (UTC)
"'but at the same time, children now physically mature sooner.'

Which on the face of it is true, but it's also something that gets trotted out a lot by paedophiles and ephebophiles trying to justify themselves. Hogwarts Exposed being what it is, I'm reluctant to extend the benefit of the doubt here."

I would like to point out that during the run-ins with HG-131, this was exactly the excuse he would use to explain why it wasn't perverted that twelve and thirteen-year-olds were having sex/watching sex/talking about explicit sexual matters with their parents, etc. He tried to prove this with an anecdote (which he stupidly copied on das_sporking, while posting anonymously), about how in first grade, he knew a girl who had B-cups. Make of all that what you will.
sith_droideka
Jul. 12th, 2013 02:01 am (UTC)
Eh, I still don't think HG 131 was Neil, because when I was arguing with him he went off on a tangent about how he hated everything about America, whereas Neil included the Americans' school (in his infinite creativity) and is an obvious American.

Although, who knows? Maybe he really hated the whole nation because we don't like pedophiles here (not that anyone does, but you know how these kind of people are... "Japan's age of consent is 13! See, totally allowed!"*).


*While the baseline requirement for age of consent in Japan is 13, it's actually higher in the prefectures, since many of them make the AoC 18. Pedophile and pedophile apologists: -∞ - 1.
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Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 12th, 2013 10:08 pm (UTC)
The end of the last chapter of Too Exposed, by contrast, leaves us with an overwhelming feeling that there's nowhere to go from here.

No kidding. Whenever I read these pointless arcs and the like, I keep feeling like Neil was trying, and failing miserably, to replicate JKR's method of having each book possess their own self-contained plot of sorts while at the same time leaving it apparent that there was an overarching story tying it all together.

In Sorcerer's Stone, there was the eponymous stone and the hunt for it that properly introduced us to Voldemort.

Chamber of Secrets had the threat of the Heir of Slytherin and the chamber, which introduced us to Horcruxes as well as expanding Voldemort's backstory and at the same time maintaining his threat(in this case, the independent part of his soul almost gaining a body of its own and, for all intents and purposes, bringing Voldemort back to life).

Prisoner of Azkaban started the process of maturing the series while at the same time foreshadowing Voldemort's return as the tie-in to the overarching plot while the main, self-contained plot pertained to Sirius, his hunt for Pettigrew, and Harry's journey to find out the truth of his parents' death.

Goblet of Fire's independent plot was the Triwizard Tournament, which also tied into the plot with it being the culmination of Voldemort's return to power by subtly manipulating events behind the scenes through Crouch.

Order of the Phoenix dealt with Harry's struggle against being discredited by the Ministry and how the Ministry was now actively interfering with his life at Hogwarts to see to it the truth of Voldemort's return was suppressed, which again tied into Voldemort's plot to recover the prophecy pertaining to himself and Harry.

Then there was Half-Blood Prince and the supposed truth of Snape's allegiance all along. Simultaneously, you had Harry's discovery of Voldemort's Horcruxes and his subsequent discovery of a method with which he could finally defeat Voldemort.

And then everything came together and was neatly wrapped up with Deathly Hallows.

And here, we see Neil attempting and failing MISERABLY to replicate that method of storytelling by giving us meaningless subplot after meaningless subplot that are all resolved with anticlimaxes while the overarching story of the HE series as a whole(the Great One, her conspiracy to revive Salazar Slytherin) is left entirely in the background and only comes to the forefront when Neil would just haphazardly toss it into the spotlight with all the subtlety of an anvil; like the idiotic kidnapping subplot in the first one(not to mention Damian calling the Minister of Magic by her title, said title being what she's known as to the wizarding public as a terrorist, at a very large public wedding) and the stupid bombing subplot of this one. But, as we've all pointed out before, none of those subplots had any far-reaching consequences whatsoever and were neatly resolved within chapters of their happening.

Just...wow. And this series has fans!? REALLY!?
otakukeith
Jul. 12th, 2013 10:19 pm (UTC)
"ME! Are you insinuating that you weren't an enthusiastic partner in our sexual antics?"
"No, I'm not saying that," Hermione admitted. "Sex with you will always be on top of my list of favorite activities."

I think this pillowtalk was better in the original Vulcan.


I'm still not convinced there wasn't some connection between Neil and Keiran Halcyon, because not-so-passionate lines like this are dead ringers for Halcyon's similar stuff, like Harry and his elf wife in Sanctuary of Arda "enjoying a mutually pleasurable session of exploring our love for each other" or words to that effect.

Now this is interesting, because it's clearly a reference to another fic

Ha! Called it!

"Fools," Buster said pompously. "We'll terminate the egg headed bastards.

Additional dialogue supplied by Cobra Commander and Megatron.

Draco gave one of his unnatural laughs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uL2uXInoLTE

Kim looked at Emily, elatedly. "Your dad will be nude. I'll get to see Professor Potter naked."

http://youtu.be/I_H3uWLW3N4

"No I'm not," Kim insisted. "The top just barely covers your breasts. If you reach your hands above your head, they'll doubtlessly pop out."

Wait, wasn't Emily moaning about not having breasts yet? Or was that just Caitlin?

"Just what type of perversion is going on here?" Professor Malfoy said, looking down scornfully at the couple on the floor.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE U DOING U MUTHERFUKERS" [/obvious joke]
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 12th, 2013 10:46 pm (UTC)
"I'm just window-shopping for something I'll never have. You're very pretty."

Ugh...

Excuse me for a few minutes, mate. Be right back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMiyitcE164&t=2m24s
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 12th, 2013 10:59 pm (UTC)
Yea verily, forsooth.

Because all British people talk like they're from the High Middle Ages, apparently.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2013 07:12 am (UTC)
So the author seems to think. Then again, his token American character also talks in exactly the same way as everyone else in the story.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2013 01:13 am (UTC)
"May I stay and watch? It's something I've never seen and something I'll never get to experience."

...ugh.

Be right back... again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMiyitcE164&t=2m24s
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2013 01:16 am (UTC)
"Do you suppose they've done it by now?" Hermione asked as Harry held her tightly stroking her pregnant belly.

Adults taking an interest in two teenagers'(one of them being their adopted daughter) sex life. How perfectly normal and not-creepy that is!
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2013 01:18 am (UTC)
"Harry if anything ever happens to me, promise that you'll remarry. I don't want you alone for the balance of your life."

-_- This is foreshadowing Luna, Harry, and Hermione becoming polygamists, isn't it?
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2013 01:23 am (UTC)
There's nothing I can possibly say that would make this image of Snape asking Hermione for relationship advice any dafter. AU and OOC nothing: this is just plain surreal.

I guess that's one thing this fic can have to its credit: It's definitely good at evoking ridiculously-surreal imagery(Snape fondling Hermione, Hermione and Harry breaking the news to Caitlin and Emily that Jamie died but only after they got their kits off).
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2013 08:27 am (UTC)
Not forgetting Hooch and her... tastes.
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Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2013 01:24 am (UTC)
Harry's reaction is more likely to involve a frantic dash to the toilet

Yes, but Neil can't get off to Harry vomiting, only Emily and the girls.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2013 01:30 am (UTC)
Even knowing ahead of time that Hogwarts Exposed features a character called (sigh) "Balla Buster" didn't stop me facepalming when I read this.

Seriously. There's Significant Naming and then there's Neil's pathetic attempts to replicate JKR's masterful use of Significant Naming.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2013 09:57 am (UTC)
I know. She sounds like a rejected Viz character.
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Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2013 01:43 am (UTC)
"Mum! Daddy's nudie like you and me."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqN8ylXP_mg&t=16s

"Daddy has a great big wee-wee."

Must...suppress. Infanticidal. URGES!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6wDjIP8kEw&list=PLCBFED83199CA9F35
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2013 08:26 am (UTC)
And it really doesn't help that what he actually said is "daddy has a great big piss".
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Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2013 01:46 am (UTC)
"But if Professor Granger has been waiting that lengthy a time to address us, we should at least afford her the respect of listening to what she has to say," Amelia Bones urged.

When the hell did Amelia Bones become a School Governor after being Head of Magical Law Enforcement? Isn't that, like, second-in-line for the Minister position or something?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2013 07:33 am (UTC)
I'm not sure how school governors are supposed to work in the HEverse. In real life it's a voluntary part-time role (so Amelia Bones being one in addition to whatever her usual job is makes sense) but people generally only do it for a few years at a time (so the Busters being on the board for over a century strains plausibility, and do we ever find out what their day jobs are?)
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Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2013 01:49 am (UTC)
How did they survive on the Board for over a century with such an unprofessional attitude?

Seriously. Lucius Malfoy was sacked from the Board for less!
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2013 02:14 am (UTC)
Aaaand it looks like many entries in my running commentary of this chapter have been deleted?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2013 07:13 am (UTC)
LJ was down for maintenance last night, so that might have something to do with it. You can try resubmitting them if you want. :)
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adriana_divolpe
Jul. 14th, 2013 10:46 am (UTC)
*sighs* Goddamnit, Neil, I'm so fucking sick of this. You know what's more comfortable than skintight, revealing dresses? Sweatpants. Having more skin exposed to the air does not by default make something more comfortable. Clothes being tight is what makes them uncomfortable.

"The top just barely covers your breasts. If you reach your hands above your head, they'll doubtlessly pop out."

That shit? Not comfortable. As an owner of breasts, from me to you, fuck you, Neil.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 14th, 2013 11:17 am (UTC)
Having more skin exposed to the air does not by default make something more comfortable.

Especially as the air is pretty bloody cold, even if you're not in a draughty stone castle. Not to belabour the point, but: Scotland in February!
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duster
Jul. 19th, 2013 03:48 am (UTC)
"Were you going to have sex?" Myrtle asked breathlessly. "May I stay and watch? It's something I've never seen and something I'll never get to experience."


The real stumbling blocks will be Phineas T. Buster and his wife, Balla.
I will admit, I did laugh at Balla Buster. Not because it was genuinely funny, but because it just cements in my mind more and more parallels to Ace Attorney. Terrible name puns? Check. Asshole prosecutor? Check. Courtroom antics that would never fly IRL? Check. Why couldn't Neil have written a nudist Ace Attorney fic? I'd spork that shit.

In a few minutes, a half-awake Kim joined her. "I like it when the other girls aren't here," Kim said. "I don't feel nearly as self conscious being nude."
Emily looked disappointedly at Kim, "I was hoping that you were getting used to being naked. It doesn't seem to bother you any more around Caitlin and me."

Okay I don't know what bugs me more about Kim and Caitlin's relationship; the fact that Caitlin has an unrealistic Nudist Midas Touch or that Kim is the most impressionable preteen girl ever. And this coming from someone who has experience being a preteen girl.

"Dick! Hurry, you can't miss this," Denise shouted. "Zacherley is having some sort of fit, she's tossing and turning about on the floor. Her skirt is nearly up to her waist and she doesn't have any knickers on."
"Oh my God! She's having a seizure! Quick! Sneak a look of her crotch!" WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WITH THIS WHOLE SCENE. When someone is having a seizure why in the nine circles of hell would your first thought be about boobs and snatch?

I think this fic does need at least one chapter read in Elcor. Now to pick a chapter and do it.
duster
Jul. 19th, 2013 07:21 pm (UTC)
It's also worth noting that in listening to readings to My Immortal, Enoby uses "disgustedly" correctly more times than Neil. Eboby should not be better at grammar than anyone ever.
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m_the_surly
Jul. 19th, 2013 11:08 pm (UTC)
I read True Grit shortly after I started to follow this sporking, and the narrator Mattie Ross actually uses "balance" in the same way as Hogwarts Exposed, e.g. "We ate the balance of the gingerbread." It actually makes sense in True Grit since Mattie is a bookkeeper and preoccupied with money, but it's still pretty jarring if you've been reading HE.

(Anyway, I'm a longtime lurker emerging from the shadows. Hi!)
szaleniec1000
Jul. 20th, 2013 07:33 am (UTC)
It was more common in the 19th century, I believe (another commenter cited Arthur Conan Doyle using it in a story) but looks out of place for Harry Potter characters. And even if Hogwarts Exposed was a 19th-century AU, it'd still be overused.

Also, welcome to the comments! :)

Edited at 2013-07-20 07:33 am (UTC)
katistrophe
Jul. 21st, 2013 05:53 am (UTC)
We couldn't do it with you watching; it would make it seem sordid
They can manage that all without Myrtle.

"Speaking of direction," Harry said, changing the subject.
*facepalm*

The real stumbling blocks will be Phineas T. Buster and his wife, Balla.
Phineas T. Buster. Phineas T. Buster. I thought this was one of the most ridiculous names ever, and then I read his wife's name.

The "over a century" bit comes from the fact that when this was written a lot of people thought that Dumbledore was as old as Nicholas Flamel, despite the fact that this being possible would defeat the point of the Elixir of Life, so were busy fanwanking aging schemes for wizards.
To be fair, wizards do have longer life spans, but the average was 130-odd, not 600... So maybe if they got on that board really young...

Sam couldn't help but giggle as Timmy stared in wonder at Ron who had turned crimson red and was trying to hide his erection.
NO NO NO AUGH NO! Don't tell me Ron is turned on by Timmy. Distraction, distraction... nitpick mode engaged. "Crimson red" is redundant.

"Hogwarts is a school of witchcraft and wizardry, not a school of sin and fornication."
Oh boy. Somehow the whole scene makes me think that at their home, Phineas sits on a spike and Balla sits on him (because two spikes would be an extravagance).

From fifteen to seventy-five we only age at one fourth the rate of a muggle
OK, I take my defense of that bit back.

blood dripping from her bleeding hand.
Yay for pleonasms!

"Zacherley is having some sort of fit, she's tossing and turning about on the floor.
When I skimmed this, I thought she was actually doing something decent and calling for help (y'know, hope never dies...), and then...
Her skirt is nearly up to her waist and she doesn't have any knickers on."
Fuck you, Hogwarts Exposed. Fuck you.

He had successfully succeeded in covering Emily's lower extremities
Is today Pleonasm Day or do I just notice that stuff for the first time?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 21st, 2013 10:22 am (UTC)
NO NO NO AUGH NO! Don't tell me Ron is turned on by Timmy. Distraction, distraction... nitpick mode engaged. "Crimson red" is redundant.

He's clearly turned on by his own nudity, because that's the only thing that changed in this scene. I think we're supposed to think he's turned on by Sam, but she's been naked the whole time, so clearly he runs around with a perpetual hard-on like someone who's sneaked too many of Deserving!Harry's pills and now needs to see the doctor.

Oh boy. Somehow the whole scene makes me think that at their home, Phineas sits on a spike and Balla sits on him (because two spikes would be an extravagance).

And then they get drunk and realise that "luck" sounds almost exactly the same as *roll credits*. And it's all the funnier when you consider what a stereotypical Puritan's opinion of witchcraft and wizardry would be.

Fuck you, Hogwarts Exposed. Fuck you.

I have trouble believing that there's anyone, hormonal teenager or not and up to and including Dick "The Dick" Bancroft himself, whose "holy shit, that girl's having a seizure!" reaction would be overridden by "HURRRR TITS AND FANNIES".
(no subject) - katistrophe - Jul. 22nd, 2013 08:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Jul. 22nd, 2013 08:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - Jeremiah Smith - Jul. 22nd, 2013 11:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Jul. 23rd, 2013 12:37 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - Jeremiah Smith - Jul. 23rd, 2013 03:04 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Jul. 24th, 2013 01:32 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - Jeremiah Smith - Jul. 25th, 2013 12:38 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Jul. 25th, 2013 06:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - katistrophe - Jul. 23rd, 2013 06:03 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Jul. 24th, 2013 01:47 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - zelda_queen - Jul. 24th, 2013 10:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Jul. 25th, 2013 01:21 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - Jeremiah Smith - Jul. 26th, 2013 09:18 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Jul. 26th, 2013 10:46 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - Jeremiah Smith - Jul. 27th, 2013 08:54 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Jul. 28th, 2013 12:06 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - Jeremiah Smith - Jul. 22nd, 2013 01:10 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Jul. 22nd, 2013 06:57 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - katistrophe - Jul. 22nd, 2013 07:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
( 92 comments — Leave a comment )

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