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Hogwarts Overexposed Intro and Chapter 1

Hogwarts Exposed: TUESDAY!
I got a bit bogged down with the next chapter of the ITWATN review, for which I can only apologise for the long delay, so I thought I'd turn my attention to something less frustrating. Yes, you read that right. Hogwarts Exposed is pure dreck of the worst kind, but I can at least read most of it without getting a rage headache. (Though writing a parody of the whole Lord Potter thing helped too.) I may have to do ITWATN9 as a multi-parter, but for now let's get cracking with this.

We begin, as in Hogwarts Too Exposed, with the Potter-Granger-Zacherley clan about to embark on a nudist holiday. It is of course the much-awaited cruise, but first we pay a visit to the magical land of recap.

“They look like they’re having a great time,” Jamie said, watching enviously from the window in the staff tower as the Giant Squid tossed the girls ten to fifteen feet in the air and then permitted them to splash back down into the lake before scooping them up and repeating the process.
“Why don’t you go join them, Jamie?” Hermione suggested. “It’s not like we have that much packing to do.”
“I’d love to except I haven’t written to Alex today, and we pledged to owl each other every day,” Jamie answered.

They made an Unbreakable Vow. ("You can't break an Unbreakable Vow." "I'd worked that much out for myself." Why do so many fanfic writers seem to forget Harry's snark?) Actually, that wouldn't even have surprised me: their relationship isn't as painfully codependent as Harry and Hermione are in this fic, but comes close.

"Owl" as a transitive verb meaning to send an owl to someone is one of those bits of fanon that doesn't appear at all in the books but is ubiquitous in fic, probably because it's catchy, plausible and quicker to type. The earliest example I've been able to find is in Chapter 2 of Paradigm of Uncertainty, which was written and published between Prisoner of Azkaban and Goblet of Fire: whether it originated it or not I have no idea, but it may have played some role in popularising it.

Jamie and Alex would be starting their seventh and final year at Hogwarts in the autumn and had been best friends since their first year. Last year they had finally acknowledged that the feelings they shared for each other went far beyond friendship. Both Alex and Jamie planned to train as Aurors after they completed Hogwarts and then, in due course marry.

They were so excited that they lost their last comma.

When Jamie’s parents died during her fifth year, she had thought that life, as she knew it, would come to a crashing halt. Jamie envisioned saying good-bye to Hogwarts and having to seek some sort of menial employment in order to support herself and her then ten-year-old sister, Emily.

Hogwarts apparently not having a hardship fund or anything like that.

Professor Granger, who had been a mentor to Jamie,

Because bollocks to all her other students. In fact, not only do we hardly see any of her other students, we don't see Hermione teaching a class, nor even mentoring Jamie. No, teaching her the concealment charm doesn't count.

refused to think about this alternative. Since the girls had no living relatives, she and her fiancé, Harry Potter, insisted on caring for Jamie as a sister and becoming guardians to Emily. Harry and Hermione did this without hesitation despite Hermione having previously adopted Caitlin, a then eleven-year-old girl who had been orphaned and abused.

Because apparently Harry and Hermione are a magnet for charity cases.

And so Harry Potter, now at the ripe old age of twenty-five and married for only slightly over a year, finds himself the father of three children: Caitlin, who would soon turn thirteen and start her third year at Hogwarts; Emily, now twelve and entering her second year; and Benjamin, Hermione and Harry’s newborn son, just over two months old.

Who, by an amazing coincidence, has the same first name as Harry and Hermione's son from one of the PoU side-stories.

“Harry, will we be able to Portkey all the way to Fort Lauderdale or will we have to do it in phases because of the distance involved?” Jamie inquired as Harry entered the room.
“That is the one advantage a Portkey has over Apparating,” he answered. “There is no limit to the distance you can travel. Our group is rather large, however, and so I’ve arranged for three Portkeys.”

We expect heavy expospeak rolling in from the west.

“Three? Why so many? And what about Timmy and Ben?” Jamie inquired. “Timmy is rather young to understand he must hold onto the Portkey and Ben, well he just can’t.”
Timmy is the four-year-old son of Samantha Bowman, an American witch.

The exposition here alternates between present and past tenses for no apparent reason.

Sam had originally come to England searching for Timmy’s birth father but, after a year of no leads, had given up and settled in Hogsmeade where she met and fell in love with Ron Weasley, who suffers from lycanthropy.

And also happened to be a huge Harry Potter fangirl (not in so many words, but she's read all the novels historical textbooks about the war against Voldemort) and then happened to run into and hit it off with Harry's one-time best mate. What were the odds?

He had just been released from Azkaban and, at the time, was working in a joke shop owned by his twin brothers, Fred and George.

The Weasley joke shop was appearing in fanfic long before it ever showed up in canon, though I guess the end of GoF does set it up a little.

It was at Harry and Hermione’s wedding that Samantha and her son were initially observed by Timmy’s birth father, none other than Draco Malfoy.

So not only is she a huge Harry Potter fangirl who married his best mate, she also had a fling with his one-time enemy. Who's currently trying to decide whether to be Trilogy!Draco or a poor rip-off of canon!Snape, because the actual Snape is currently being an insipid doormat and serial child-groomer. Hey, if the author can recap, so can I.

Draco made a legal attempt to gain custody of his son, but upon failing, begrudgingly accepted the state of affairs and his current role in his son’s life.

Because what's an acrimonious legal dispute between friends?

“But will all three Porkeys have the same coordinates?”

Yes, we have had two paragraphs of exposition wedged between two lines of an ongoing conversation.

“Yes,” Harry said assuredly. “The only drawbacks are that we have to allow ten minutes between departures, and that we will be arriving in an area that none of us are familiar with. But I’m sure everything will go well.”

In the world of fiction, that's the one thing you must never say.

“I’m tired,” Kim whimpered, “Can we get out of the water for a bit and take a break?”
“I’m rather exhausted myself,” Caitlin agreed.
“You two are worse than two old ladies,” Emily complained, but she conceded and headed for the shore. “I wish we could shrink Elmo and take him on holiday with us,” she said glancing back at the Giant Squid.

Okay, the giant squid being Elmo is mildly amusing. Random as all hell, but mildly amusing. Especially as there's actually a Sesame Street episode where Elmo interacts with a giant squid, though it came long after this chapter was written. I found that out by Googling "Elmo giant squid" with safe search well and truly enabled.

“I’m sure that would go over spectacularly with the other ship passengers,” Caitlin said sarcastically. “Somehow I don’t think they would take kindheartedly to a giant squid in one of the ship’s swimming pools.”
“Nah! I guess not,” Emily said sadly. “I’m going to miss him though while we’re away.”

By this point, I honestly wouldn't put it past the author to pair one of them with a giant squid. We've already had unicorns, after all.

“We are going to have a great time,” Emily commented enthusiastically. “I understand that they have food available twenty-four hours a day and you can eat as much as you like.”
“You’re starting to sound like Professor Weasley,” Caitlin observed. “I think that’s the only reason he’s agreed to go.”

Except that Ron's canon personality has been overwritten by an obsession with sex, justified only by a throwaway remark way back in the first chapter of the first fic about how werewolves are (for some reason) perpetually horny.

“Speaking of food; could any one else go for an ice cream cone?” Emily suggested.
“That sounds good,” Kim said. “Do you know how to get down to the kitchens? Will the elves give us a little?”
“I don’t think Emily is interested in asking the elves,” Caitlin said. “Actually, I don’t think its even ice cream she truly wants, but rather the clerk that serves it.”
Kim looked at both Emily and Caitlin questioningly, not understanding what Caitlin was talking about.

Which is convenient from the author's point of view. Not that he knows anything about that.

“Mister Fortescue has opened a parlor in Hogsmeade and his son Roger is running it,” Caitlin stated. “Emily seems to find him more attention grabbing than any sundae on the menu.”

Yes, the adult ice cream man is a love interest for the twelve-year-old Emily. Welcome to Hogwarts Exposed. I don't know whether the author intended any implications from calling him Roger, but that adds a whole extra layer of WTF.

“He may not be a sundae,” Emily proclaimed, “but he is quite tempting.”
“May I remind you that he is also twenty and you are only twelve,” Caitlin said shaking her head.

A rare voice of reason.

“No reason I can’t look,” Emily insisted. “Besides, I think he likes me.”
Kim gave Caitlin a questioning look, as if to ask if this was true. Caitlin nodded her head in response. “He can’t take his eyes off her. It’s revolting.”

Then why the holy hell hasn't she reported him?

“Actually, both Caitlin’s and my bathing costumes are non existent,” Emily responded. “We are only wearing the concealment charm.”
Kim looked at her best friend in disbelief and then reached out and touched her. Physical contact negated the charm and allowed her to see Emily in what she was actually wearing, which was absolutely nothing.

And this is certainly not going to cause any "hilarious" misunderstandings when they get into Hogsmeade and the concealment charm fails. You have to stand well back when Hogwarts Exposed attempts humour, lest you be crushed when it inevitably falls flat.

“I should have known you guys wouldn’t actually wear swim costumes,” Kim said. Then she stared at Emily. “Even micro-mini ones.”
Both Emily and Caitlin are naturalists and preferred to be unclothed whenever possible.

A naturalist is a person who studies the natural world. A naturist is a nudist. Doubtless this has caused some embarrassing misunderstandings somewhere.

Jamie and Emily’s parents were nudists and they raised their daughters in the naturists’ ways. Both girls feel extremely uncomfortable when clothed and would much prefer to always be naked even if others about them are clothed. They don’t see being unclothed as wicked or sexy, but rather as natural and comfortable.

Completely nonsexual, as the previous forty-eight chapters of completely nonsexual shenanigans more than prove.

Jamie befriended Caitlin when she first started Hogwarts, and was the first real friend and positive role model Caitlin had ever had. It was by accident that the young girl discovered Jamie was a naturist.

A lot of things in this fic seem to happen by accident, and the recap only makes this obvious.

Caitlin was so impressed by Jamie and her explanation of her lifestyle that she was tempted to try it. She became an immediate convert.

She's very gullible and easily led, because the explanation wasn't impressive. I'll grant you that the author probably intended it to be, but as he can't write dialogue for shit it didn't work out that way.

“She’s been dragging me into Hogsmeade almost daily,” Caitlin complained quietly to Kim as Emily walked away to get her towel. “Mum and Dad would have a stroke if they knew the true reason why.”
“I can understand her having a crush on an older boy, but,” she looked fretfully at Caitlin, “why would a twenty year old boy be interested in her? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not putting her down. Emily is very attractive, but after all she is only twelve.”

Yes. Something tells me he won't be interested in her for much longer. On the other hand, consider HE!Snape and his taste for women he's known since they were eleven-year-old girls.

Although the girls are best friends, they have uniquely different personalities and attitudes. Caitlin and Emily both abhor clothing and prefer being nude, even when in the company of clothed people. Caitlin accepts the fact that they live in a textile world and nudity under certain circumstances is just not acceptable. Emily, however, is and always has been an extremist when it comes to nudity, sometimes pushing the limits of socially acceptable behavior. She resents being forced to wear clothing and considers the term ‘private parts’ ridiculous. To her mindset, a body part is just a body part, and she shouldn’t be forced to cover any of hers just because other people have dirty thoughts.
Kim is a most unenthusiastic nudist. In order to avoid lingering embarrassment from a cruel prank on the Hogwarts Express in her first year, she had all her cartoon-imprinted underclothes destroyed. This caused her dorm mates to mistakenly assume that she, like Emily, was a nudist. She now uncomfortably lives that lie. She has actually become at ease being naked with Caitlin, Emily and their family. The cruise, on the other hand, will be her first experience at public nudity, and she is exceedingly apprehensive.

It would be nice if we'd been shown any of this. Now the author does indeed seem to be trying to convince us that all this is true, but on more than one occasion I've seen one of the girls doing something that would fit one of the others better. Not to mention that their voices are completely interchangeable.

Even the way the girls draped their towels about them was indicative of their different feelings. Kim used the towel to its fullest extent, wrapping it around her body just under the arms with it reaching mid thigh. Caitlin wrapped hers around her waist as a long skirt reaching near her ankles, but leaving her tummy and bikini top exposed. Emily folded her towel several times and then wore it as a short skirt. Her torso was bare except for two triangles of material that barely covered anything.

Now this would have actually worked as a way of showing us the girls' differing attitudes, if the author hadn't explained that this is what he's doing. It reads like he's just written out his notes, or it would if I suspected him of having any notes.

They had only gone a few hundred feet past the gate, when Caitlin came to a sudden stop. “Did you feel that,” she cried nervously.
Kim looked at her questioningly. “Feel what?” she asked, a bewildered look on her face. “I didn’t feel anything.”
“I did,” Emily piped up. “It felt as though something hot was trickling down my back. Kim, remember when Professor Flitwick demonstrated the Disillusionment Charm on us last Christmas, the charm that made us blend in with the decorations. It felt exactly the same as when he lifted it.”

I think this is the first fic I've read that has call-backs to scenes that never even happened. I know it never happened, because Professor Flitwick was mentioned once in Too Exposed and not at all in Exposed and has never appeared in a scene.

Kim nodded her head. “I remember the charm and the feeling it created when it was applied and lifted, but I didn’t sense anything like that just now.”
“That’s exactly the sensation I had,” Caitlin agreed. “But what caused it and why didn’t Kim feel it. I’d think it had something to do with the wards that hide the castle from Muggle view, but I’ve never had that feeling before when entering or leaving the grounds. Besides we’re all witches. Why would you and me experience it and not Kim?”

Because the fucking Concealment Charm has been lifted by the castle's wards. This is the most insultingly obvious "mystery" I've ever read. What's happened to Emily and Caitlin's statistically implausible IQs?

“I can’t get over how fast they built that store,” Kim said, admiring the colorful ice cream shop. “They hadn’t even started construction at the end of the school year, and now in just over a month, it’s open.”
“It’s been open for three weeks,” Caitlin commented.
“Wizard contractors take some short cuts not available to Muggle builders,” Emily added.
“Yeah!” Kim said. “One might call it magic!” They all chuckled.

LOLOLOL oh my poor aching sides.

“Well, what have we here?” the clerk behind the counter asked. It was undoubtedly a rare sight to have three towel-clad girls enter his establishment. Although he had addressed all three girls, his eyes only inspected Emily. “Did you girls just get out of the shower?”

Where's the Paedofinder General when you need him?

At this comment, Emily blushed, but Kim and Caitlin exchanged uneasy glances. This smooth talking git might entrance Emily, but, although she didn’t know why, Kim had taken an immediate dislike to Roger.

I think I know why, but I wish I didn't. Anyway, they buy their ice creams. I say "buy", but Emily is in the mood to haggle.

Emily blushed a deep shade of red, but made no comment. Instead she asked, “How much is the total bill?”
”That depends,” Roger said devilishly. “Perhaps we could work out an agreement that would be both easy on your pocket and easy on my eyes.”
“What do you mean?” Emily asked innocently, not understanding.

Oh, "not understanding" my arse. You can't go claiming that Emily is wise beyond her years, with a ridiculous IQ and an adult's understanding of sex, and not have her understand something like this.

“I envisage you looking quite nice in your swim costume,” he said, licking his lips. “If you drop the towel and model it for me; all three cones are on the house.”
Emily licked her ice cream, both to prevent it running down the cone and to give her time to think. Her bathing costume was rather skimpy and dropping her towel and modeling seemed like a rather sexual thing to do.

And when you, Emily "Nudity Is Completely Nonsexual" Zacherley of all people, are thinking this, then it probably is.

On the other hand, she was a naturist. If the world were fair, she’d be happily standing here completely nude at the present time. Besides, she’d sort of like Roger to see her in her bathing costume and free ice cream in the bargain sounded like a great deal.
Emily looked around the room. There were only six other patrons in the shop; four pre-teen boys at a table near the rear and a young couple near the window. This felt so weird. She had absolutely no qualms with the entire world seeing her naked. She had even walked naked to the grocery when she was ten, yet modeling a bathing costume in an ice cream store somehow seemed wrong.
“I’d really love to see how nice you look,” Roger said entreatingly.

And guess what happens.

Roger had dropped Emily’s ice cream on the floor. The young girl that was sitting near the window had grabbed her spellbound boyfriend and dragged him from the shop as the four young boys at the rear went wild. Caitlin and Kim, who had been absorbed in conversation and paying little attention to Emily, jumped to their feet.
“What happen to your swim costume!?” Kim asked in a panic as Caitlin ran to pick up Emily’s towel and toss it to her.

Somebody set up us the bomb.

It was only when Kim asked what had become of her costume that Emily realized that she was indeed standing there starkers.

A kid Ben's age could have seen this coming.

“I’m not embarrassed,” Emily said, letting the towel slip off and into her hand. “Do you really think I look nice?”
Roger corrected her. “I’d say fabulous.

You fucking paedophile.

Nothing would please me more than to have you spend the balance of the day in my shop just as you are.”

MISUSED BALANCE COUNT oh how I've missed you: 53

Before Emily realized what was happening, Caitlin and Kim had dragged her out the door and on to the thankfully deserted street. “Now will you put that towel on?” Caitlin asked.
“Why?” Emily answered defiantly. “There is no one about, and I’m quite comfortable like this.” Emily tossed the towel to Kim and started boldly walking away from the shop and in the direction of the path that would return them to Hogwarts.
Kim and Caitlin exchanged exasperated looks before following after her.
“What happened in there?” Kim asked Caitlin as they followed a few steps behind Emily. “What happened to her swim costume?”
“I’m not sure what canceled out the charm,” Caitlin answered, turning to Kim and flipping open her towel. “Did it affect me, too?”

I wonder if it could possibly be that thing that happened to you on the way down that felt like a charm being cancelled.

“You don’t consider your actions embarrassing or what he was doing with you over the line!?” Caitlin shouted. “There is a huge difference between being a naturist and being put on display. What you did in there today was not naturalism, and I’m ashamed of you and furious at Roger!”

Don't count on her remaining the voice of reason. Just make the most of it while you can.

Emily was about to retort, but then glanced at Kim who was hanging her head sadly. “What’s the matter, Kim?” Emily asked concernedly.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you two fight before, and I don’t like it,” she answered.
Emily’s anger came to an abrupt halt as she turned to Caitlin. “I was a real tart, wasn’t I?”
“No!” Caitlin answered with a smile. “Had you had an actual bathing costume on, you would have been a tart. I’m not sure they’ve even invented a word for what you were today. How does tart-arse sound?”

Like something nobody would ever say. Anyway, all is forgiven and Emily and Caitlin both walk up to the castle naked.

Before Kim could respond, a horseless carriage, apparently coming from the castle, came into sight around the corner. Even if Emily and Caitlin had wanted to cover up, there was no time because the carriage was rapidly upon them before it came to a halt.

Either none of them can see Thestrals, or that's one thing from Order of the Phoenix the author decided not to retcon into the story.

“Good afternoon ladies,” Professor Malfoy drawled. “You’ve certainly adopted the proper attire for our humid, hot summer weather.”
“I wish I had such courage when I was your age,” Ginerva Weasley added, seeming quite sincere.

So why is Draco "Professor Malfoy" and Ginny "Ginerva" (sic, and even though she was Virginia in the first fic, per the Draco Trilogy) when they're both teachers?

“You’re never too old to practice nudism,” Emily suggested enthusiastically. “Your brother is going on a cruise with us. Why don’t you and Professor Malfoy join us for a swim?”
“I’m afraid we’ll have to pass,” Draco said.

And now we're on first-name terms with Draco too. Neither of them, by the way, seems to have any problem with their students running around in the altogether.

Sunday, August 7, 2005
“Ron, will you please cheer up,” Sam said with annoyance, as she and Ron finished packing. “We’re starting our vacation tomorrow, not going to a funeral.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” Ron groaned. “If I had your body, I wouldn’t be concerned with being seen nude either.”
“If you had my body, I doubt we’d be married,” Sam said with a laugh.
“It’s not funny,” Ron moaned. “You know what I mean. I feel like I’m the king of the string bean geeks going on vacation with the Perfect Body Club.”

Because this totally sounds like something Ron Weasley would say.

“We don’t all have perfect bodies,” Samantha insisted. “Well, maybe Jamie and Hermione do. Hermione is going to have men losing concentration and falling overboard.”

Needless to say, HE!Hermione has changed over the summer and has curves in all the right places.

“Perhaps you haven’t looked at yourself in a mirror lately,” Ron commented, “but you should put yourself in the same category.”
“You’re sweet,” Sam said brushing against him as she gave him a kiss on the cheek.
“And that’s another problem,” he said, looking down at a specific part of himself.

His left foot. He'd stubbed it on the door earlier.

“It’s totally out of control. It’s ready for action and you barely touched me. If it were the day before a full moon, that’s to be expected, but the next full moon is a ways off. I think I’m turning into some sort of sex manic.

Turning? Like I said before, it's already overwritten his canon personality.

Emily and Caitlin caused a reaction the other night and they’re little girls.”

Get help. Really.

“They aren’t that little anymore,” Sam declared. “Their bodies are becoming more womanly every day.

Your husband has just admitted to being a paedophile, or an ephebophile if we're being very charitable, and all you can say is "lol okay then"?

Besides, I don’t think that even calm, cool Harry could have handled what happened to you.”
“I wasn’t doing too badly watching them play Twister , although I had to turn away a few times,” Ron said. “Don’t they realize the view they afford when they get into some of those positions?”

AND MOVING SWIFTLY ON.

Monday, August 8, 2005 8:00 AM
“The Weasleys will be here any minute now,” Harry said anxiously. “Are one and all sure they have everything they need packed?”
“Why are you insisting we take so much clothing?” Emily questioned. “We are permitted to be unclothed at all times aren’t we?”
“When on the ship and at nude beaches, yes,” Hermione answered as she did a cleansing charm on Ben’s bottom and readied him for the trip. “But when we travel about the islands or go souvenir shopping, you will need to be dressed and not just by the concealment charm. I have qualms about any of us even using that anymore now that you girls have discovered yet another imperfection with it.”

No, we didn't have a scene in which they discuss the events of the other day with Hermione.

Crookshanks and Alfred both paced the room as if sensing that the family was shortly going to be deserting them.

As they deserted them for the entirety of Too Exposed: Crookshanks and Alfred were last mentioned in Chapter 22 of Hogwarts Exposed.

“Can’t we take them with us?” Caitlin begged. “They’re going to be lonely.”
“No we can’t,” Harry said emphatically. “Beside, they will be much more content here, where they have free rein to roam about our quarters and the castle grounds, than they would shut up in a ship’s cabin all day.”
“You are sure that Professor Bell won’t forget to look in on them and see that they are properly fed?” Emily asked concernedly.

She'll do a better job of remembering them than the author.

“I’m looking forward to having a wonderful time,” Hermione said as she began breast-feeding Ben.
“Professor Potter, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why are we leaving so early?” Kim inquired. “Isn’t the United States’ east coast five hours behind us in time? If we leave at nine, it will only be four in the morning there, not even light yet.”
“You’re correct,” Harry said rather perturbed. “The American Magical Authority, which is the counter part of our Ministry, insisted that we arrive before sun rise; less chance of us being seen.”
“What the hell are we going to do from four o’clock in the morning until five in the afternoon,” Emily blurted out.
“Maybe we should spend the time teaching you to talk like a proper young lady,” Hermione suggested.

She didn't say anything that's inappropriate for a twelve-year-old. It's not like she said "fuck" or even "shit".

“I’m sorry Mum, but that’s thirteen hours,” Emily said apologetically.

I see that Miss "I have an IQ of 160" passed Key Stage 1 maths.

Hermione looked concernedly at Harry. “Exactly what are your plans for all that time? she asked.
“It’s not as bad as it sounds,” Harry responded. “I rented a hotel room nearby, where we can all crash or watch the tele until checkout at eleven.

They're all avid TV watchers in their quarters at Hogwarts, you know.

Then we can head to the dock and board the ship. Even though we don’t sail until five o’clock, there will be food and drink available for us from noon, and we can take a tour of the ship.”
“That sounds like a good plan,” Jamie said, tearing herself away from her latest epistle from Alex.

Alex's epistle to the nudists.

A rapping at the door interrupted the conversation,

Hagrid was doing a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. Come to think of it, where is Hagrid in this fic?

as the young voice of Timmy called out, “We’re here!”

Because he needs to feed the Blast-Ended Skrewts.

Caitlin rushed to the door and ushered the Weasleys in.
“Why are you dressed?” Timmy asked disappointedly. “I thought we were going on a nudie coose?”

Timmy can't pronounce his Rs, except when he can. Much like his Qs the last time we saw him. Now only this evening I found a very good post on that subject.

“We are Timmy, it’s just that we can’t get comfortable until we’re actually on the ship,” Caitlin responded.
Without warning, Timmy grabbed the hem of Caitlin’s tiny skirt in his hand and pulled it up to her waist.
“Caitlin has no knickers. I can see her gina!” he shouted.

I hate this fic.

Caitlin leaned over and lifted Timmy into her arms. “You, young man, are getting to be more and more like your Aunt Emily,” she said giving him a big hug. “Your mother better break you of that habit before you enter primary school in the village or all the little witches will be practicing hexes on you.”

There'll be no little witches. There aren't wizarding primary schools. But if he's four in August, he should indeed be starting primary school this September.

When the clock displayed 8:59, Harry picked the first of three Portkeys off the kitchen table; it was an old battered umbrella. “Now Sam, if you and Ron will hold Timmy tightly between you and all grasp the umbrella in your hands. Sam perhaps you should hold Timmy’s hand tightly beneath your own.”
They stood waiting nervously, the others watching, waiting there turn.
“Forty-five seconds.” Harry counted down. “Thirty seconds.”
“Mummy, I have to go potty. I have to go really bad.” Timmy wailed.

Now four isn't too old to be having a toilet emergency, but I think it's too old to be using a potty.

Sam looked anxiously to Harry. “When he says he has to go, he has to go. He always waits to the last minute,” Sam announced.
“Damn,” Harry murmured looking nervously around the room. Hermione could never get Benjamin into his harness quickly enough. Harry didn’t like sending the girls first, but he had no choice. Fortunately, Jamie was a powerful witch, so he figured that they’d be okay.
“Girls! Hurry! Over Here!” He shouted. “Each of you, hold onto the umbrella. Don’t worry! You’ll be fine. The Weasleys will be along in ten minutes and your mother and me shortly thereafter. Move at least twenty-five feet from your landing point, but don’t leave the area.”
Jamie, Kim, Caitlin and Emily had barely clutched the old umbrella when Emily felt as though a hook just behind her navel had suddenly yanked her irresistibly frontward. Her feet left the floor; she could feel Caitlin, Jamie and Kim as their bodies bashed into hers; their legs becoming entwined as they sped forward in a howl of wind and whirling color; their hands stuck to the umbrella as though it was pulling them magnetically onward.
Emily had only expected the trip to last a few seconds, but instead it was minutes before they finally slammed to the ground in a bruised entangled mess.
“Emily, will you please get your privates out of my face,” Kim asked as if gasping for air.
“Caitlin never complains,” Emily retorted without thought and then looked nervously from Jamie to Kim and then Caitlin, hoping that in the confusion no one had heard her comment. Neither Jamie nor Caitlin seemed to be paying her any attention as they disentangled themselves, but Kim had definitely heard her and was staring at her piercingly.


Because of course there's a call-back to that scene. Why would I ever have thought there wouldn't be?

“Will they be all right?” Hermione questioned nervously.
“I’m sure they’ll be fine,” Harry said in his most convincing voice. “I would have preferred that they not gone first, but under the circumstances, there wasn’t much choice. They’ll only be alone for ten minutes, I’m sure they’ll be fine. I just wish I knew more about the area in which they are landing.”

And why hasn't anyone scouted out their destination again?

Hermione glanced nervously around the room.

She's nervous. I get it.

“Hermione, they’ll be okay,” Ron said in his most reassuring voice. “What could possibly happen in ten minutes?”

Subtlety, thy name isn't Hogwarts Exposed.

“I wonder where exactly we are?” Caitlin said as she staggered to her feet. “That trip threw my equilibrium out of whack.”
“Me too,” Jamie said leaning against a nearby wall.
“Well, one thing is certain,” Emily commented. “Whoever programmed that Portkey has never actually been here.”
“You’ve got that right,” Kim added nervously. “I understand transporting to a discrete location,

Because transporting to a continuous location would just be silly.

but this is a dirty, filthy back alley.”
“Yeah, I’m glad we won’t be alone here long,” Jamie said. “Lets move closer to the main street and more light. It’s eerie in here.”
“Now you’ve gone and hurt my feelings,” a voice echoed from the shadows ahead of them. “This alley is our headquarters. Perhaps we should clean up, but most ain’t stupid enough to come here uninvited.”
“And there are four of them,” a voice from behind commented. “One for each of us.”

Yes, it's exactly what you think.

“I get the older one with the big titties,” shouted a third voice from the dark.

The third voice doesn't belong to the author's self-insert, but you'd be forgiven for thinking it did.

“Hey, they’re just kids,” said a fourth disembodied voice. “From the sound of them, from England and probably lost.”

Yay for convenient insights!

“Lance, are you a faggot? ‘Cause if you are, how ‘bout suckin’ my dick,” the first of the boys to speak responded. “Pete, what is the name of our club?”

The Diabolus Ex Machina.

“The ’Chasers’, Art. And you’re our president,” answered the boy who had commented about Jamie.
“And what do the “Chasers” do, Phil?” Art asked his voice sounding as if he were extremely intoxicated.
“We’re tit-and-pussy chasers.” Phil answered, laughing raucously as he stepped from the shadows and was soon joined by his compatriots.


I wonder if these are supposed to be baddies?

Comments

( 72 comments — Leave a comment )
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taekarado
Oct. 7th, 2013 10:59 pm (UTC)
Except that Ron's canon personality has been overwritten by an obsession with sex,
but his canon personality was never that obsessed with food either. i thought that was a popular fanon flanderization.

“If I had your body, I wouldn’t be concerned with being seen nude either.”
“If you had my body, I doubt we’d be married,” Sam said with a laugh.

nice. sam just admitted that shes only married to ron out of pity to give him sloppy seconds.
szaleniec1000
Oct. 7th, 2013 11:02 pm (UTC)
He likes his food, but he's not obsessed with it. LoPEF and her ilk use it as a sign of how evil he is, presumably because they're militant ascetics or something. This author seems reluctant to give him even that.

nice. sam just admitted that shes only married to ron out of pity to give him sloppy seconds.

I think she meant that they wouldn't be married if he was a woman, but still, it isn't very clearly phrased and there are completely different unfortunate implications there.
(no subject) - Jeremiah Smith - Oct. 8th, 2013 07:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
sith_droideka
Oct. 7th, 2013 11:49 pm (UTC)
Hello, Chasers. Are you here to fill the obvious villain quota until Hairy Roz shows up?

This whole section is completely pointless. First, the only thing it actually does, introduce Roger, is not actually important to the story and would be better off if that paedophile didn't exist in the first place. Second, this whole conflict is going to go nowhere and doesn't advance the story at all. It's just a cheap cliffhanger. Third, Elmo the giant squid never comes up again. And fourth, this is a sequel to a sequel of a fanfic of a fanfic. Why is all this exposition necessary?

Why didn't this just start at the cruise ship?
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:55 pm (UTC)
Neil continues to undermine his "nudity is nonsexual" tripe by introducing a character that is aroused by a child's nudity...

Yep, this is HE, alright.
blueinkedpalm
Oct. 8th, 2013 12:58 am (UTC)
It's good to see the sporking of this horrible, horrible fic back. I love--as in, especially hate--Roger the pedophile, the callback to the underage incestuous lesbianism, the naked underage twister, and the constant fascination with naked underage genitals. This story was written by a sick, sick bastard - and I'm enjoying your sporking of this complete and total trainwreck.
duster
Oct. 8th, 2013 08:36 am (UTC)
Oh how I was looking forward to this. (Genkigami under a new name.)

I was gonna have some deconstruction, but there's nothing redeeming about this intro. I will say it solidifies my theory that Niel is an Elcor and this is just how they write fanfics.
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:59 pm (UTC)
I have received a letter from the Elcor ambassador at the Citadel. It goes as follows:

"Infuriated: Dear Genkigami,

I, as the Citadel's elcor ambassador, do not appreciate the slander you have given about my proud race of people. Our fanfiction is far more sophisticated and emotional than this garbage that has come to my attention.

Insincere Endorsement: You should read my Commander Shepard story. It is quite good."

Even the ELCOR hate Hogwarts Exposed.
(no subject) - duster - Oct. 8th, 2013 10:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 06:47 pm (UTC)
Last year they had finally acknowledged that the feelings they shared for each other went far beyond friendship.

*monotone*So far beyond friendship, it was a lovely loving river.

Both Alex and Jamie planned to train as Aurors after they completed Hogwarts and then, in due course marry.


Even though they've shown absolutely nothing when it comes to common interests or even shown anything that belies such things when they're together on-screen.

And that's not getting into the fact that they're looking to become Aurors, of all fucking things. Then again, this was released after Order, so I guess it makes sense that Neil would shoehorn Jamie into Harry's canon career...
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 06:49 pm (UTC)
Hogwarts apparently not having a hardship fund or anything like that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hUZEuSGA4
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 06:50 pm (UTC)
Because bollocks to all her other students. In fact, not only do we hardly see any of her other students, we don't see Hermione teaching a class, nor even mentoring Jamie.

In fact, do we see ANYTHING resembling a taught class in this fic series, aside from Jamie TELLING us about her exams through her diary entries instead of us getting shown them?
szaleniec1000
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:44 pm (UTC)
It's like he's forgotten that he's set his story at, you know, a school. I can't say I know any teachers with anywhere near as much free time as the HE staff seem to have, and I guess that's because they don't actually take any classes.
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 06:53 pm (UTC)
Who, by an amazing coincidence, has the same first name as Harry and Hermione's son from one of the PoU side-stories.

I wonder how many of Neil's mindless twats lauded Benjamin's name as "so perfect" for him...
szaleniec1000
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:53 pm (UTC)
None. I only inferred that it's not a coincidence through a post on the PoU group in which he praised the story in question. PoU, as you'll recall, is the fanfic series he wishes he could write something like and really, really, really can't. One of his sheep fans on the HE group declared that they "would compare this story to the famoue (sic) POU series" - as indeed would I, but only to say that while PoU is one of the best fanfics out there, HE is one of the worst.
(no subject) - Jeremiah Smith - Oct. 8th, 2013 08:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Oct. 8th, 2013 08:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 06:55 pm (UTC)
Sam had originally come to England searching for Timmy’s birth father but, after a year of no leads, had given up and settled in Hogsmeade where she met and fell in love with Ron Weasley, who suffers from lycanthropy.

So Sam, apparently, has horrible geographic sense, considering that she went to England to search for Malfoy and wound up in Scotland...
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:00 pm (UTC)
Okay, the giant squid being Elmo is mildly amusing. Random as all hell, but mildly amusing. Especially as there's actually a Sesame Street episode where Elmo interacts with a giant squid, though it came long after this chapter was written.

Chalk that up to Hilarious in Hindsight.

If only Elmo the kraken* had decided to rampage on the girls, though. I wouldn't argue.


*at least, that's what I'm assuming the Hogwarts giant squid is meant to be, as real giant squid can't live in a lake or even bask in the sun without its skin being destroyed)
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:02 pm (UTC)
“I don’t think Emily is interested in asking the elves,” Caitlin said. “Actually, I don’t think its even ice cream she truly wants, but rather the clerk that serves it.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mKY95W-voU
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:05 pm (UTC)
“No reason I can’t look,” Emily insisted. “Besides, I think he likes me.”

Only in Hogwarts Exposed is a 12 year-old being flattered by this not seen as a bad thing.
szaleniec1000
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:42 pm (UTC)
I can see why she might, because that's how bastards like this Roger operate, but everyone else thinking it's oh-so-wonderful and the author's voice (insofar as there even is one) agreeing... no.
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:07 pm (UTC)
Kim looked at her best friend in disbelief and then reached out and touched her. Physical contact negated the charm and allowed her to see Emily in what she was actually wearing, which was absolutely nothing.


Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:10 pm (UTC)
“She’s been dragging me into Hogsmeade almost daily,” Caitlin complained quietly to Kim as Emily walked away to get her towel. “Mum and Dad would have a stroke if they knew the true reason why.”

Why the hell are they even GOING to Hogsmeade in the first place?! Emily's a second-year!
szaleniec1000
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:41 pm (UTC)
Because for some reason all the staff still live at Hogwarts during the summer holidays.
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:12 pm (UTC)
Kim is a most unenthusiastic nudist. In order to avoid lingering embarrassment from a cruel prank on the Hogwarts Express in her first year, she had all her cartoon-imprinted underclothes destroyed. This caused her dorm mates to mistakenly assume that she, like Emily, was a nudist. She now uncomfortably lives that lie.

And only in Hogwarts Exposed is a girl being forced into a lifestyle she's uncomfortable with not seen as a bad thing...
szaleniec1000
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:40 pm (UTC)
I still can't get over how all the pure-blood witches and wizards of Slytherin recognise the significance of cartoon-imprinted underclothes anyway.
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:14 pm (UTC)
Caitlin wrapped hers around her waist as a long skirt reaching near her ankles, but leaving her tummy and bikini top exposed.

"Tummy." Who the fuck uses "tummy" to refer to their stomach aside from preschoolers these days, anyway?
zelda_queen
Oct. 9th, 2013 10:12 pm (UTC)
""Tummy." Who the fuck uses "tummy" to refer to their stomach aside from preschoolers these days, anyway?"

The same guy who uses "bum cheeks" to describe the ass of someone who's been horribly gangraped and beaten.
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Oct. 9th, 2013 10:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:17 pm (UTC)
Because the fucking Concealment Charm has been lifted by the castle's wards. This is the most insultingly obvious "mystery" I've ever read. What's happened to Emily and Caitlin's statistically implausible IQs?

I guess it's just TOO MUCH for the oh-so intelligent Sues to look down and not notice the fact that their clothes have now disappeared?
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:19 pm (UTC)
“Yeah!” Kim said. “One might call it magic!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5FTJxfV3pc&t=17s
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:24 pm (UTC)
I think I know why, but I wish I didn't.

I know I'm gonna regret this, but what're you thinking, mate?
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:25 pm (UTC)
“What happen to your swim costume!?” Kim asked in a panic as Caitlin ran to pick up Emily’s towel and toss it to her.

Dear God, that spelling error couldn't have come at a better time.
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:31 pm (UTC)
Roger corrected her. “I’d say fabulous.

Does Britain have its own version of Chris Hansen by chance, szaleniec?

Edited at 2013-10-08 07:31 pm (UTC)
szaleniec1000
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:49 pm (UTC)
No, but Chris Hansen is known because of internet memes, and IIRC Charlie Brooker (ultra-snarky TV critic) did a piece on his series.
(no subject) - Jeremiah Smith - Oct. 8th, 2013 08:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:34 pm (UTC)
“Well, maybe Jamie and Hermione do.because they're complete Mary Sues

Fixed.
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:36 pm (UTC)
I think I’m turning into some sort of sex manic.

Once again, an excellent moment for Neil to screwup the spellcheck, because now I have images in my head of HE!Ron just suddenly changing genders at random...
Jeremiah Smith
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:38 pm (UTC)
“Don’t they realize the view they afford when they get into some of those positions?”

GAH!

katistrophe
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:40 pm (UTC)
“But will all three Porkeys have the same coordinates?”
Porkeys? Funniest typo I've seen all day (outside of the Babb archives - those don't count).

I found that out by Googling "Elmo giant squid" with safe search well and truly enabled.
I tried googling it without safe search. I was almost disappointed by the lack of Elmo/Giant Squid slash.

Except that Ron's canon personality has been overwritten by an obsession with sex, justified only by a throwaway remark way back in the first chapter of the first fic about how werewolves are (for some reason) perpetually horny.
Oh yeah, that's so canon, I mean Lupin was constantly chasing skirts... not.

Both Emily and Caitlin are naturalists and preferred to be unclothed whenever possible.
Hey, I'm interested in nature too, doesn't mean when I go around collecting plants I'm wearing nothing but a vasculum.

ARGH IS EVERYONE IN THIS FIC A PERVERT?!?!? (Don't answer. I know it's true.)

Needless to say, HE!Hermione has changed over the summer and has curves in all the right places.
I'm currently going through the Babb archives and dear gods did that phrase pop up often. I haven't seen it too much in recent Sue fics, though... maybe I've developed a "curves-in-the-right-places" filter?

“You’re correct,” Harry said rather perturbed. “The American Magical Authority, which is the counter part of our Ministry, insisted that we arrive before sun rise; less chance of us being seen.”
American Magical Authority sounds kinda... bland. I think there was some fan speculation about America having a Department of Magic...

Without warning, Timmy grabbed the hem of Caitlin’s tiny skirt in his hand and pulled it up to her waist.
“Caitlin has no knickers. I can see her gina!” he shouted.

I don't think I ever wanted to murder a four year old child that much.

Caitlin leaned over and lifted Timmy into her arms. “You, young man, are getting to be more and more like your Aunt Emily,” she said giving him a big hug.
And that's all? Yeah, I get it, nudists naturists, but still.
szaleniec1000
Oct. 8th, 2013 07:46 pm (UTC)
It doesn't even make sense that becoming a werewolf will enhance your sex drive, because Potterverse lycanthropy isn't genetic: they make more werewolves by biting people, and all that shagging a lot will do is make more humans.
(no subject) - katistrophe - Oct. 9th, 2013 03:38 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Oct. 9th, 2013 11:39 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - katistrophe - Oct. 9th, 2013 02:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Oct. 11th, 2013 08:11 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - katistrophe - Oct. 11th, 2013 01:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - otakukeith - Oct. 10th, 2013 08:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Oct. 10th, 2013 10:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sith_droideka - Oct. 8th, 2013 07:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - Jeremiah Smith - Oct. 8th, 2013 08:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sith_droideka - Oct. 8th, 2013 08:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - Jeremiah Smith - Oct. 9th, 2013 04:33 am (UTC) - Expand
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