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Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 2

Dark Dungeons: play a ninja
Last time, our friends Portkeyed to Florida (can you even Portkey that far?) to board the nudist cruise. As you do. Their landing zone turned out to be, by the kind of contrived coincidence nobody does better than Hogwarts Exposed, the headquarters of a gang known as the "Chasers".


This has absolutely nothing to do with Quidditch; the name is a purely coincidental reference to the fact that they chase women and girls and rape them. Why? Because Hogwarts Exposed, that's why.

As the gang closed their circle on the girls, the one referred to as Art, snapped open a long switch knife and waved it menacingly.
Jamie whispered softly to the girls, "Wands on three. One... Two... Three...
But, as if knowing what to expect, each boy leapt toward a different girl on the count of three, knocking his respective target to the hard asphalt covered ground. Art had targeted Jamie and held her menacingly against the ground, his knife at her throat. "If you try anything like that again, I'll slit you in two from your skinny neck right down to your cunt. Get the message?"

He's rat-arsed and knows nothing about magic, yet somehow managed to get the drop on Jamie, who (when she did her exam in the first fic) can duel Professor Flitwick to a standstill. Because screw continuity.

"Art, something is weird about these girls," Phil said, holding out Caitlin's wand to Art. "These three were all carrying sticks like this in holsters attached to their leg."

With all the contrived plots going against them, the cast of Hogwarts Exposed must be the unluckiest people in the universe. Then again, we already knew that from the fact that they're in Hogwarts Exposed.

"Where is your little stick Miss Big Tits? "Art asked as, without warning, he lifted Jamie's skirt above her waist. Momentarily he froze; then as he rubbed his fingers over her mound said, "You and I are going to have lots of fun."

Did you get that these are supposed to be the baddies?

"Guys, check out this bitch!" Art yelled as he forced Jamie to her feet, her skirt still gathered to her waist. "No panties and not even a trace of stubble anywhere on her pussy or ass."
"These two don't either," yelled Phil and Pete.

Why? Because Hogwarts Exposed.

"This one is a smooth as a baby," voiced Lance.
Kim stared at the severely pockmarked Lance. Other than knocking her to the ground, he hadn't touched her and had no way of knowing what he had just declared.

This just in: Lance (what is it about male Hogwarts Exposed OCs and vaguely suggestive names, anyway?) is going to betray the diabolus ex machina gang.

"Gentlemen, we are about to have a party," Art declared, "but not here. Let's take these ladies across the street to the parking garage where we can see them better."

And where there's no chance at all of you being seen and reported by, for instance, someone parking their car.

"Tell the girls we'll be there in ten minutes," Hermione said as Sam, Timmy and Ron held on to their Portkey tightly.

As bad as Hogwarts Exposed is, the author at least knows that terms like "Portkey" are capitalised.

"We better get ready," Harry said tentatively. "You're positive that Poppy said it was safe for Ben to use a Portkey."
"Harry, you had me check and double check with her five times," Hermione answered. "He'll be fine in the chest harness as long as we keep our arms and legs entwined. Obviously he'll cry, but that's to be expected with all the twisting and jerking."

I'm sure the question of whether it's safe for a baby to travel by Portkey comes up all the time in Poppy's work as a school nurse, after all.

"Again, again! Let's do it again." Timmy squealed as Ron and Sam both staggered, but managed to maintain their balance and keep from falling over.

Timmy is apparently a Teletubby.

Sam looked about as her dizziness subsided.

The actual effect of travelling by Portkey, which it seems that Timmy is immune to. I'm headcanoning that this is because he's not a toddler, nor even a Teletubby, but a demon from the far recesses of beyond: it wouldn't contradict anything we've seen of him in the story so far.

"Who the hell picked this filthy alley as an arrival point?" she questioned.
"Don't know," Ron said, shaking his head in repulsion. "Probably some overpaid pencil pusher that never leaves his office.

I think when tourists are being deposited in the rape gang district, we've gone beyond a clerical error and into ITWATN-level meticulous planning. And I'd have thought careless mistakes would be more a thing if you're underpaying rather than overpaying your workforce, anyway.

I'm not surprised the girls didn't wait for us at this point. They're probably just around the corner on the main street."

How do they know the main street is just round the corner at this point? They don't know where they are.

"Good thinking on their part," Sam said, thinking twice about whether to hold Timmy or let him walk. "No telling what sort of vermin might be lurking in here."

No telling indeed.

Timmy was squirming to get out of Sam's arms, but as she went to deposit him on the ground, she saw something that made her change her mind and instead clutch him closely to her chest.
"Ron! There on the ground! Just in front of the trash bin," she shouted breathlessly.

How do you shout breathlessly?

Ron turned in the direction Sam was pointing and suddenly his face turned white. "Wands!" he said unbelievingly. "They have to belong to.... But what would their wands be doing.... Oh my God! How much longer before Harry and Hermione will arrive?"
"Just a couple of minutes," Sam answered, trying to stifle her imminent tears.

But failing, because Hogwarts Exposed.

Emily had never felt so scared and vulnerable in her entire life.

Which, showing and telling aside, really says it all when it comes to this fic. An event that has this much impact on a character should be important to the plot, not what amounts to a random encounter.

As they crossed the street, a number of automobiles sped by, but the drivers evidently were in too much of a rush to notice the terror on her face. A taxi slowed down, but Art waved the driver on.
When they reached the garage, Phil yanked open a metal door leading upstairs. Caitlin screamed, as his hand reached out and prodded her. He shoved her face first into the cement steps. "Scream again bitch and you've had it," he threatened.
"For Christ's sake, leave her alone," Lance said. "Let's just grab their dough and get the hell out of here before someone tips off the cops."
"You are a fucking fag!" Pete declared. "Do you see any pocketbooks, shit-for-brains?"

There's so much swearing in this scene that you'd be forgiven for thinking that Robst co-wrote it.

"Don't worry," Lance whispered in Kim's ear, "I won't hurt you."
"But what about them?" Kim begged softly, her eyes glistening. "They're my friends. Please don't let them be hurt."

They're able to have this nice chin-wag, and the person who was alert enough to notice them going for their wands in the dark while he was drunk doesn't notice.



Lance looked helplessly at Kim, as she stared at Caitlin, who lay motionless on the stairs, blood trickling from a gash on her forehead where her head had made contact with the rigid cement.

For some reason, Hermione doesn't get injured across the hyperempathic link like Caitlin did when she was tortured in the first fic. Instead:

Then, Pete let out a terrifying scream and grabbed his head with both hands. Blood was covering both sides of his face and his body was writhing in agony.

... she hyperempathises one of the mooks. I've mentioned before the problem Hogwarts Exposed has with foreshadowing, in that things are either foreshadowed with all the subtlety of an air raid or else just pulled out of nowhere. A small hint that hyperempathy could be used offensively would have made this scene fit better. Especially as we'll later learn that she had indeed been warned about it before.

"What the fuck!?" Art yelled, no longer paying attention to his captive, Jamie. "What just fuckin' happened?"

The author pulled yet another application of hyperempathy out of his arse at just the right moment to save the day, that's what.

Jamie now had the opportunity she had been waiting for. She hastily removed her wand from the invisible sheath she had been given by Mr. Ollivander for saving his shop. "STUPEFY! STUPEFY! STUPEFY!" she yelled in quick succession as she pointed her wand and shot red beams of light at Art, Phil and Pete in turn. But when she turned to Lance, Kim stepped in her path.

The invisible wand holster, while not a great idea in itself, does actually work as something that's already been established before the plot requires it to be useful.

"Harry, it's the girls!" Ron shouted, before Harry and Hermione had even regained their equilibrium.

Has it been ten minutes? It doesn't seem that way. At least not in-story: it seems more like ten hours reading the bloody thing.

"They're gone; no sign of them; just their wands."

As much as I think Ron gets sold short in a lot of fics, including this one, I'm still not sure he can pronounce semicolons. I'm not going to comb through every piece of dialogue in all seven books to confirm, but it doesn't strike me as fitting any of them except possibly Hermione.

Harry glanced frantically around the filthy alley searching for any mark, any clue.

"I have deduced that the girls aren't here."

Hermione, however, didn't seem panicked in the least.

That makes a change for Hogwarts Exposed.

Indeed, she appeared quite calm, almost in a trance. She just stood nodding her head, a look of relief on her face, as she tried to calm baby Benjamin who, unlike Timmy, had not enjoyed his Portkey experience.

Which is how Portkeys are supposed to work. It's not some fairground ride, whatever Timmy the devil child seems to think.

"Their okay," she finally said.

Their okay what?

"It was touch and go for a bit, but everything is under control now."
Harry, Ron and Sam stared at her. "Caitlin?" Sam finally asked. "Did she just contact you telepathically?"

I wasn't sure whether hyperempathic powers are ever actually referred to as telepathy in-story, but apparently they occasionally are. It seems to be interchangeable with them simply being called hyperempathy, so it looks like the author couldn't decide what to call it.

Hermione, nodded. "Her powers are unbelievable when she concentrates on using them.

They're exactly the same as the powers she demonstrated two fics ago, aside from using it as an attack, which we haven't had any indication that Hermione's telepathy has picked up. (And, given the fact that she tells her later, she hasn't.) And who on Earth thinks the sentence "Hermione nodded" needs a comma?

There is a parking garage across the street. They're on the top floor. We should try to get there before the magical reversal people arrive."

On the one hand, they're in America so it is indeed a parking garage. On the other, I think Hermione would still refer to it as a multistorey at his point.

They hurried to the mouth of the alley and then practically ran across the street and up the stairs of the garage. When they reached the roof, they momentarily all froze as they absorbed the sight before them.
Kim was standing talking animatedly to a youth who was wearing what appeared to be a gang jacket. Three other youths, dressed similarly, were lying unconscious and tied securely. Jamie, Caitlin and Emily seemed to be reassuring each other, their clothes either partially on and torn or not on at all.

This being Hogwarts Exposed, that actually doesn't signify anything.

"MUM! DAD!" Emily shouted as she ran toward them. "IT WAS AWFUL!"

"It had Lord Potter in it and everything!"

They kissed and hugged her, trying to set her mind at rest, but Emily couldn't seem to stop crying. "Dad! Please hold me!" she gasped. Harry scooped her into his arms and despite her size, cradled her, as he would have a new born.
Harry caught the scent of cheap liquor in the air.

It's the readers trying to drown their sorrows.

Jamie seemed to read his mind, as both she and Caitlin hugged Harry and Hermione. "They forced her to swallow it, and spilt it all over her in the process."
"I've never been so scared or felt so helpless," Jamie cried.

Like I said, a random encounter is apparently more traumatic than the entire plots of both preceding fics. And indeed what's happened here should be traumatic, but that would suggest to any competent writer that it should at least be relevant to the plot. And it's just as well the author didn't give Caitlin that dialogue, considering her backstory.

"I still had my wand, but I couldn't get to it. He was going to have her and I was powerless to do anything, but watch. That is until Caitlin came through for us." Jamie put her arm around her 'sister' and drew her into a hug.

I know Jamie isn't legally adopted, but I really don't think we need the scare quotes on "sister" any more. Least of all in a context like this.

"What did you do, sweetheart?" Hermione asked, displaying a look of concern mixed with pride.

Introducing the all-new Emotion Display Unit: why show when you can tell?

"Mum, I know it was wrong," Caitlin cried. "You warned me about using my Hyperempathic powers to injure, but I had no choice.

When, precisely, did Hermione warn Caitlin about this application of her powers that's only been revealed in this chapter?

"They all thought I was unconscious, but I wasn't. I was concentrating, trying to reach you, but you hadn't arrived yet. He had getting ready to... oh god, you know... then I remembered the knife they were using. I visualized it slashing his face on both sides, and immediately he was screaming and blood was gushing from the slashes I had given him through my thoughts."
Hermione looked toward the boys to see which had been slashed.

I don't think anyone's been slashed in Hogwarts Exposed. Unless you count that godawful "they think Ron's gay lel" routine from the first fic. And the Seamus/Dean relationship being name-dropped, but promptly forgotten when Seamus actually appeared in the story.

Hermione put her arm around Caitlin. "I know what you think you did was horrible, but listen. You have been given a gift, a powerful gift that is capable of both saving lives and taking them. Your choice to only hurt him when you could have just as easily killed him shows get strength of character. Your Dad and I are both very proud of you."

Which is how Hermione should be behaving in this situation, but what's HE!Hermione like as a parent and teacher if Caitlin thinks she's going to go off on one at her for defending herself? The same thing happened when Jamie punched Rosalind at the beginning of the last fic - she was scared that Harry and Hermione would think less of her for it, committed pacifists that they aren't.

Jamie nodded her head. "Once Caitlin had them distracted, it was easy to get to my wand. Muggles don't stand a chance against magic."
"That is why under normal circumstances it should never be used against them.

For all I love Paradigm of Uncertainty, it's not without its WTF moments. One of these is how it takes the "no magic against Muggles" thing to such an extreme that you can't even hex a Muggle who's trying to beat the living crap out of you, even if you happen to be a secret agent. I've no idea if that's the (ahem) paradigm we're operating under here, but there seems to be at least some flexibility.

"He seems different from the others," Jamie answered. "He didn't touch Kim and even tried to talk the others into letting us go."
Lance was speaking in a soft voice to Kim. "I've never been with a girl, even on a date or anything. Girls won't have anything to do with me. I can't help my face; it's so ugly. But I wouldn't ever want a girl that didn't want me. Do you think a girl like you would ever want to go out with me?"

Have to say, you're not doing a very good job of selling this guy as the poor misunderstood woobie who just fell into the wrong crowd. Not when he's hitting on a twelve-year-old.

"Yes," Kim said. "If you were nice to her, and protected her, a girl would want to go out with you."

No, don't tell him that! Next thing you know, he'll be on t'internet going on about the "friend zone".

Lance stared at Kim for a minute, trying to decide if she meant it, or was just lying to make him feel better. What possessed her to do it, she'd never know, but Kim kissed him, and then ran to talk to Caitlin leaving the boy standing dumbfounded.
After a few minutes of conversation with Harry and Hermione, Kim returned to Lance with Caitlin by her side.

You can't just pass a few minutes in one line like that. If we're in Kim's POV, we need to see the conversation. If we're in Lance's POV, there needs to be something or he's just standing there like a lemon saying, doing and thinking absolutely nothing.

"I've never tried to do anything like this," Caitlin said. "I have to touch you; actually run my hands across your face. It won't hurt. Whether I'm successful or not, it won't hurt."
Lance nodded his head. He wasn't sure what these girls had in mind. He was still trying to deal with the information that witches actually existed and that Kim and her friends actually were.

When did they identify themselves as witches? At this point, he knows they've got unusual powers but I don't think their actual nature was ever revealed. I'll grant that it wouldn't be unrealistic for someone's mind to immediately jump to "witch" in this situation, but in the context of a Muggle in a Potterfic it's still a bit too convenient.

"I think you'll find the girls quite eager to kiss you now," Kim said, gazing at Lance with appreciation. "Be careful though in your choices. You, better than anyone, should know that outer appearances don't necessarily portray the person within."
"What did you do?" Lance questioned.
"She gave you a second chance," Harry said. "One of the prime excuses you had for falling into the company of these scoundrels no longer exists. Leave now while you still can, with the memory of what has transpired intact. Remember what has happened, but tell no one, else you will be considered by them a liar and a fool. Now get out of here."

Good news: he's not a (sigh) "Chaser" any more. Bad news: he's a pick-up artist.

"Ron, Sam, would you mind leaving Harry and me alone with the girls for a few minutes," Hermione asked after they finally got to the hotel.

All the stress has caused her to forget her question marks.

The American Accidental Magic Reversal Squad, once they arrived, had been quick to put everything back into its proper order. The three gang members had their memories adjusted, and were portkeyed to the scene of a staged robbery, where they were taken into custody and charged by Muggle police. Obviously, under the circumstances, it was impossible to charge them with the crimes they had actually committed against the girls, but this way they would at least serve deserved jail time.

And so much for anyone else the (gah) "Chasers" might have attacked before tonight, too. Hogwarts Exposed (in common with a lot of badfic, but not with the original books or the better class of fanfic) doesn't feel like the world actually exists beyond the bare minimum necessary to give the characters context, and it really suffers from that here.

Harry and Hermione were assured that the person responsible for programming their Portkeys to deposit them in such an undesirable location would be disciplined. All in all, the Americans seemed extremely embarrassed by what had transpired and were very apologetic. They also had dispatched a mediwitch who specialized in crisis counselling to the scene to console the girls.
Unfortunately the trauma that the girls had suffered would take a long time to heal. It had been a terrifying experience for them all, but especially for Emily, who had been inches away from being raped.

But it's okay, because they've got a magical toy unicorn. Or at least they would if the author had remembered. And, just as with Caitlin, nobody thinks of Obliviating them. Now I could accept that there are sound reasons for a Memory Charm not working in this case (I could see it removing the actual memory, but not any psychological effects stemming from it) but the author does nothing to establish it.

After such an experience, how could the girls possibly be up to going on a vacation, especially a naturist vacation?
[...]
Hermione was holding Benjamin, so she couldn't embrace Emily. She could only lay a reassuring hand on her leg. "That's why Harry and I want to talk to you, all of you," she said. "The events of this morning had to be extremely traumatizing for all of you.

Are you consoling your family or addressing a press conference?

Under the circumstances we thought that it might be best if we canceled the cruise."
"Do bloody what?" Emily said, jerking to a rigid position. "Why would you consider doing that? What does the cruise have to do with what occurred this morning?"

Good question, however much it pains me to defend Emily, because...

"It's just that your Mum and I thought that under the circumstances you might rather not be among a lot of strangers, especially nude," Harry suggested. "We thought it might make you feel even more vulnerable."

... nudity is completely nonsexual, or so the last two fics have been trying to bash into our heads.

"But I'm not about to allow those bastards to bugger up my life or turn me into a milksop. Hiding and crying in my room is certainly not going to cause the memories to die any sooner."

So much for Pureheart.

"I actually prayed to die rather than have them touch me," Jamie sobbed. "I didn't want to leave the shower after I finally got in. I felt like I could never wash the stench of him off my body. But now I realize I have to put it behind me. It's over. Concentrating on it will only soil the future and continue giving our attackers power over us."
"Never pray to die," Caitlin said, hugging Jamie. "That summer when Hooch attacked me and I was abandoned in the woods, I prayed for a fast death. God knew better and didn't answer my prayer. Now I have you, all of you."

... I just what in the fucking don't even. When the hell did this become Harry Potter Turns to the Lord?

She looked from one to the other. "I have horrible memories in my past, but my present with all of you makes them bearable. You can never forget atrocious things like what happened today, but

... the author can, because this is the first we've heard of Caitlin's tragic backstory for nearly an entire fic.

Kim had sat quietly as everyone commented. Then as tears burst from her eyes, she spoke. "Maybe what happened today was for a greater purpose. I'd like to think it was to give a person a second chance at life. I'm hopeful that because of us, Lance's life will change.

The member of the rape gang who got cold feet is clearly the most important person here. I hate this fic.

"Am I to gather that you all still want to carry on on with the holiday," Harry asked amazed at the girls' determination to not allow what happened derail their holiday.
All four girls instantly nodded their heads.
"I guess that's settled then; I believe we can continue as planned," Harry said. "Is that okay with you 'Mione?"

"No. Stop calling me Mione."

"Yes," Hermione answered. "Even though you all have expressed a great deal of resolve to move on, I think we all need to seek counselling after our holiday, some of us for a longer term than others I imagine," she added gently. "The mediwitch told me that she could only do so much in a crisis situation and that longer-term counselling is needed to truly move on. Kim, I strongly recommend you see a therapist too, for your scars run deeper than just today's incident; we can help make arrangements for you if it is okay with you and your Mum first."

Why haven't any of them had counselling for any of the crap that's happened to them over the past few fics, anyway?

"Honestly, I think therapy has been a long time coming for all of us.

And drawing attention to it like this really doesn't help.

"Why did those two blokes look at us so strangely?" Ron asked as the two cabs pulled away.
"Think about it," Sam said. "The drivers were Muggles and they just transported ten people to a dock to go on a cruise."
"Yeah! So what's the problem?" Ron asked.
"I think they were rather confused by the fact that we had no luggage for a ten day cruise." Sam answered.

Because it wouldn't have occurred to the drivers that they might have had their luggage sent on ahead, or anything like that. Considering how often taxi drivers have to deal with people who are up to no good, drunk or just plain weird, I doubt this would rank in the top ten strangest things they see that day.

"Oh my!" exclaimed Hermione.

Is this Hermione Granger or C-3PO?

"I should have thought about that." She looked carefully around. "Harry, you and Ron best enlarge our luggage before we board the ship. It might be a nudist cruise, but I'm sure it will seem very strange if we appear to have no luggage."
"Is that our ship?" Kim asked wide-eyed. "It's beautiful."
"That's it," Harry said. "The Sun Princess. It is ten years old, but as beautiful as the day it was launched."

And completely undescribed. Wikipedia to the rescue! No word on whether it's ever hosted a nudist cruise, but I'm again baffled at the things the author does choose to research when he fails so miserably elsewhere.

"It is pretty," Emily agreed, "and extremely big. I can envision getting lost very easily."

The dead horse is a vaguely horse-shaped smudge at this point, but how many twelve-year-olds say "I can envision"?

"I guess I've reached the point of no return," Ron said, squeezing Sam's hand as they walked up the gangway.

Don't you dare drag Babylon 5 into this shite.

As Bill guided them to the lift, Jamie pulled Hermione aside. "Just two of us to a room? Does that mean that Alex and I would have had our own room together for ten days if he had decided to come?"
Hermione gave Jamie an 'I'm sorry' smile and nodded her head.
Jamie shook her head. "I'm going to kill him. When I see Alex Ward in September, I'm going to literally kill him." She didn't mean it, but

... said "literally" anyway. Yes, some people do, but Jamie got nearly as many Q.W.L.s as Hermione.

was just frustrated that they had missed this wonderful opportunity to be together.

At least we won't be getting another scene of them "being together", because the last one was enough for a lifetime.

On the way to their rooms, Bill explained what was on each level of the ship and how to easily get about.

Bill the steward, incidentally, isn't actually Bill as in Bill Weasley. It's another Ronald the Hufflepuff situation.

Ron and Sam had the same accommodation as Harry and Hermione. They were what the ship referred to as a mini-suite. There was a private bedroom with a queen-size bed, and a sitting room area with a sofa bed and a balcony for entertaining. The suite also had two TV's, a walk-in closest, plus a bath with tub and shower.
"Are we rich Dad?" Emily asked. "This must be costing a fortune."

How the hell has Emily lived with Harry for over a year and at no point figured out that he's minted?

"I should have waited to tell Timmy this was a naturist cruise," Sam said as she and Hermione talked on the way up to the Lido deck. "We were barely in the suite, and he was out of his clothes. I had a devil of a time getting him to put them back on."

Oh, that adorable little bundle of pure evil.

"What about Ron?" Hermione asked softly. "Do you think he'll participate?"
"If by participate, you mean parading around in his birthday suit? I'd say there is about as much chance of that happening as there is of it snowing in hell," Sam answered. "He is so self-conscious and then there is his erection problem."
"Problem? Oh! I'm sorry! Ron is so young to have that sort of problem. I've read about charms that can help induce erections," Hermione advised.

Deserving!Harry might be able to help.

"No," Sam laughed. "You have it backwards. Ronnie gets a stiffy at the drop of a hat. Except immediately after we've had sex, it's rare that he is fully placid."

Sam: "Hey, I'm going to tell you all about your best friend's penis!" Ron might be a werewolf, but Sam's the one who's acting like she was raised by fucking wolves. Seriously, who does that? Speaking of lycanthropy, lucky they managed to find a naturist cruise that doesn't overlap any full moons: better hope they stay on schedule.

"Will you get a load of that spread," Ron remarked, salivating as they entered the Horizon Court. "If that is what they refer to as a light buffet, I can't wait to see a full course meal."
Hermione and Sam exchanged worried glances, as they started selecting food from the buffet. "Everything looks so good," Hermione said. "Meals of this type will necessitate us spending half the cruise in the gym."

I've missed the dialogue in this fic. They don't eff and blind all over the place like Robst's versions of themselves; they just talk like robots.

"Not me," Ron said trying to squeeze a few more items on his already chock-full plate. "I could stand a few more pounds. You'll still love me if I develop love handles, won't you, Sam?"
"We're on vacation, Ronnie, and I know you love food, so enjoy yourself," Sam said. "But I prefer your body just as it is. So, should you grow any additional appendages, you will be working them off."
"Sounds like the boss has spoken," Harry said, smiling and giving Ron a poke in the ribs.
"No problem, mate," Ron replied. "I have a good idea how she'd have me work off any extra pounds, and it's my favorite kind of exercise."

Quidditch. No, wait, that would be in character.

Sam blushed, but Hermione laughed and then muttered to Sam. "That's my favorite type of workout, too."

Hermione Granger, everyone!

Between bites, Kim was checking out a very handsome boy who had just joined the serving line. "We're here to have fun, right?" she said. "Let's make a pact that anything that happens the next ten days stays on the ship."
"Sounds to me like someone intends to cheat on Randy," Caitlin said kiddingly.
"Not so much cheat as have fun," Kim explained. "Randy would most likely get upset if he even knew I talked to another boy."
"Yeah!" Caitlin agreed. "Matt's the same way. He's really special to me, but he can be rather possessive at times."
"Does that mean that we're four single girls on the prowl for a good time this week?" Emily asked.
"Make that three girls," Jamie corrected. "And be careful how good a time you have. Remember you guys are all underage."
"Gee Sis! Get a grip," Emily said. "I didn't mean anything like that. I just meant swimming, dancing, fooling around. After what happened this morning, I'm sure none of us are thinking about sex."

"I'm not thinking about sex at all! Watch me say 'sex' so you know for a fact that I'm not thinking about sex!"

"Harry, Benjamin's hungry. Do you think anyone will mind if I feed him here?" Hermione asked.
"Mione, tomorrow, at this time, all these people will be sitting someplace on this ship having lunch, completely nude," Harry said. "I don't think any of them are going to be offended by you exposing a breast and feeding our son."

They're going to be more offended by her getting called Mione.

"I guess your right," Hermione said, unbuttoning her blouse and revealing her breast.

Well, I'd be a little concerned if unbuttoning her blouse revealed her foot.

Without question, they stood up and within seconds the three girls had shed their clothes. Both Kim and Sam sat watching dumfounded. Predictably, Ron stared at his plate, fearful to let his eyes wonder in any direction.

When even the author admits the story is predictable, we know we're in trouble. Still, having seen what happens when he tries to be unpredictable, thank heavens for small mercies.

What happened next was remarkable. A number of other people rose to their feet and shed all or part of their clothing.
"It sort of looks like everyone was waiting for someone else to be first," Harry said with a laugh, giving Hermione a kiss on the cheek.

Of course it's our so-called heroes who get the great nudist party started.

"Come on girls," Harry urged. "You don't want to miss the ship casting off and leaving port."
Emily shrugged her shoulders as she glanced at Kim. Although she loved Harry and Hermione with all her heart, she sometimes just didn't understand how they could get such a thrill out of things that were so mundane.

Emily's the one who gets a thrill out of taking her clothes off. She's not one to talk.

"Keep your voice down," Hermione admonished. "With the exception of our group, I would imagine everyone else on this cruise is a Muggle. I don't want any more talk about anything related to 'the M word' from any of you outside of our staterooms."
"What are you laughing about?" Hermione asked turning severely toward Harry.
"Nothing darling," Harry said apologetically. "It just that you saying 'the M word' reminded me of the Dursley's. I was never allowed to mention the word magic in their presence."
Hermione blushed. "It's just that we have to be careful not to raise any unnecessary attention. We have to appear to be Muggles."

And I have to say they've done a bang-up job of not raising unnecessary attention And when have any of them given a flying fuck about the Statute of Secrecy before now?

As Harry and Hermione were talking, Ron seemed to be intently checking out the other passengers. Finally he had to ask. "Are you sure everyone on this cruise is a naturist?" he inquired, looking both at Hermione and Harry. "I expected all faultless specimens like you two, but most of these people are far from perfect. Take that bloke over there." He indicated a man standing a distance from them. "That guy must weigh over three hundred pounds. He's most certainly not a nudist."

We use stones and pounds for people's weights over here. Pounds by themselves are an Americanism, and I know they're over there but I don't think Ron is the type to go native.

"I'm sure there are others such as yourself, that are here because of a spouse, but other than those few, I'm certain everyone else is a naturist," Hermione explained.
"That guy you were indicating is Simon Block," Harry added. "We meet him on holiday last year; very nice person. He's been a nudist his entire life."

They must have met him while Hermione was explaining to Caitlin about not using hyperempathy to attack, because he didn't appear in the last fic at all.

"May I have your attention please," the voice echoed over the public address system. "We have now cleared port. Although not required, except in the ship's four swimming pools, clothing is now optional in all areas of the ship. As long as you remain on board, clothing will not be required until our return to Fort Lauderdale. Anyone going ashore at our various ports of call will be required to dress appropriately."
Emily looked at her watch and then at Caitlin and Kim. "We have an hour until dinner; let's go for a stroll about the ship."
"Sounds like a plan," said Caitlin, who, like her sister had undressed upon returning to their quarters.
"Okay," agreed Kim, as she headed for the door.
"Didn't you forget something," Emily asked as Kim reached for the knob.

*fnarr*

"You're still dressed."
"Oh! Yeah! How dumb of me," Kim said nervously, as she hesitantly started to remove her clothes. The moment she had been dreading had actually come sooner than dinner. In a matter of less than a minute, Kim was ready. At least, she was physically ready. She doubted she would ever be truly ready for what she was about to do.

And Emily and Caitlin are not only completely oblivious to this but I doubt they'd care if they weren't. With friends like these... Anyway, they have dinner and go off to the "teen centre", despite Kim and Emily still being only twelve. And who should they meet there but:

They had no more than entered the crowded room when Jamie waved excitedly. "Look! It's Chantal and Felicite," she shouted.

First the person they supposedly met last year but didn't, now Chantal and Felicite who they actually did? Is Rosalind going to be joining them too?

Jamie had met these two girls last summer at Cap d'Adge, and had become fine friends with them. After everyone said hello and introductions were made, Emily, Kim and Caitlin stood listening in awe as Jamie conversed with the two girls in fluent French.

Because so few people can speak French, you know.

For the most part, they didn't understand any of the conversation, only picking up on an occasional word here and there until Emily and Caitlin heard Felicite unmistakably say 'Roz' and point toward the far side of the room.


Comments

( 62 comments — Leave a comment )
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blueinkedpalm
Jun. 28th, 2014 09:41 pm (UTC)
A day with a new Hogwarts Exposed sparking is a good day! I'd forgotten how horrible this was. The random rape gang, the ridiculous nudist cruise, the awful plot inconsistencies... And the creepy creepy subtext between Harry and his adopted daughter things, highlighted this time by hugging the nearly naked Emily. If I recollect correctly, this cruise is the point in the story when Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Grew-Up-To-Be-A-Pedophile, makes extensive commentary on Emily's breasts and is her partner in a urine fetishising scene.
szaleniec1000
Jun. 29th, 2014 09:36 am (UTC)
... I should know by now never to think we've seen the worst of Hogwarts Exposed.
(no subject) - Jeremiah Smith - Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:47 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:57 am (UTC) - Expand
danel4d
Jun. 28th, 2014 10:03 pm (UTC)
Oh my!

Goodness, but it's almost innocent compared to some fics, isn't it? And when you're saying that about the nudist obsessed paedophile wank fantasies, the whole measurement is just horribly skewed.

It's just how they all talk - referring to a rape gang as "scoundrels", a twelve-year-old girl refusing to be a "milksop"...

And then on the other hand you have the entire setup of, essentially, "A Wild Rapist Appears!".

My suspicion as to the ridiculous attack switcheroo at the start was that Jamie was issuing the instructions in a stage whisper.

Wait, hyperempathy literally gives her the power to make her thoughts reality? How is this not overpowered?
szaleniec1000
Jun. 28th, 2014 10:19 pm (UTC)
Kind of ties in with the over-formal way they all talk in Hogwarts Exposed in general. It's as bad as Robst's dialogue, in the opposite direction.

Wait, hyperempathy literally gives her the power to make her thoughts reality? How is this not overpowered?

Maybe the power to make her thoughts reality is exactly why this new power hadn't been mentioned at all hitherto.
(no subject) - otakukeith - Jul. 1st, 2014 12:54 am (UTC) - Expand
otakukeith
Jul. 1st, 2014 12:50 am (UTC)
Well...that was pointlessly disturbing and disturbingly pointless. Does this whole incident ever get referenced or have any effect later? Because otherwise, it's..



The American Accidental Magic Reversal Squad, once they arrived, had been quick to put everything back into its proper order. The three gang members had their memories adjusted, and were portkeyed to the scene of a staged robbery, where they were taken into custody and charged by Muggle police. Obviously, under the circumstances, it was impossible to charge them with the crimes they had actually committed against the girls, but this way they would at least serve deserved jail time.

And so much for anyone else the (gah) "Chasers" might have attacked before tonight, too. Hogwarts Exposed (in common with a lot of badfic, but not with the original books or the better class of fanfic) doesn't feel like the world actually exists beyond the bare minimum necessary to give the characters context, and it really suffers from that here.


I'm strongly reminded of The Room, where Johnny and Mark drag the drug dealer away and say "he's goin' to jail" with no further explanation.

After such an experience, how could the girls possibly be up to going on a vacation, especially a naturist vacation?

This line made me laugh, because it sounds so much like bad TV narration. "Find out next week! Same nude-time, same nude-channel!"

Edited at 2014-07-01 01:21 am (UTC)
adriana_divolpe
Jul. 2nd, 2014 06:04 pm (UTC)
I missed Hogwarts Exposed. I'm so glad you haven't given up on it. <3
szaleniec1000
Jul. 2nd, 2014 06:51 pm (UTC)
Not only have I not given up, I'm hoping to get Chapter 3 finished and posted later this evening. It was mostly the beginning of this chapter I was stalled on.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 08:37 am (UTC)
As the gang closed their circle on the girls, the one referred to as Art, snapped open a long switch knife and waved it menacingly.

And, right off the bat, there's Wanton Cruelty To the Common Comma with an unnecessary second comma.

This is gonna be a blast...
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 08:39 am (UTC)
He's rat-arsed and knows nothing about magic, yet somehow managed to get the drop on Jamie, who (when she did her exam in the first fic) can duel Professor Flitwick to a standstill. Because screw continuity.

Rat-arsed?

And I just love how Neil loves to contradict his own continuity in favor of his stiffy. Not to mention the fact that this part reminds me of Ron the Shit Wizard from ITWATN somehow overpowering Hermione twice and raping her.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 3rd, 2014 08:43 am (UTC)
Rat-arsed or ratted = very drunk.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 08:43 am (UTC)
"Where is your little stick Miss Big Tits? "Art asked as, without warning, he lifted Jamie's skirt above her waist. Momentarily he froze; then as he rubbed his fingers over her mound said, "You and I are going to have lots of fun."

...

*sigh*

Man, this fanfic is such a mature, groundbreaking piece of literature, mirite?
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 08:46 am (UTC)
I think when tourists are being deposited in the rape gang district, we've gone beyond a clerical error and into ITWATN-level meticulous planning. And I'd have thought careless mistakes would be more a thing if you're underpaying rather than overpaying your workforce, anyway.

I continue to headcanon that the American Magical Authority is attempting to assassinate the Potters and their abhorrent ilk. Lord knows they seem to be succeeding thus far with the Diabolus Ex Machinas.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 08:48 am (UTC)
An event that has this much impact on a character should be important to the plot, not what amounts to a random encounter.

A random encounter that's going badly purely on account of player incompetence.

This is like losing to the two MPs in the very first fight of FF7 with how shite this encounter's being handled...
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 08:52 am (UTC)
They're able to have this nice chin-wag, and the person who was alert enough to notice them going for their wands in the dark while he was drunk doesn't notice.

Well, what's the point of consistency when you can get your rocks off to imagining some teenagers and preteens preparing to get raped? Mirite?
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 08:56 am (UTC)
... she hyperempathises one of the mooks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbQVaupPS80&t=12s

...what?



Edited at 2014-07-03 08:56 am (UTC)
otakukeith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 08:30 pm (UTC)
If she's aware of Neil's fics, Ebony (not the My Immortal one, the one who wrote the Paradise Trilogy) must be cursing the day she a) came up with the idea of hyperempaths and b) made Hermione one.
(no subject) - szaleniec1000 - Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 08:58 am (UTC)
As much as I think Ron gets sold short in a lot of fics, including this one, I'm still not sure he can pronounce semicolons. I'm not going to comb through every piece of dialogue in all seven books to confirm, but it doesn't strike me as fitting any of them except possibly Hermione.

Not to mention the fact that the semicolon doesn't belong, either.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:00 am (UTC)
On the one hand, they're in America so it is indeed a parking garage. On the other, I think Hermione would still refer to it as a multistorey at his point.

The entire cast wasn't born in Britain, mate. I'm almost certain that they were all test tube-grown clones that were raised in New York City and then they replaced the entire main cast of Harry Potter at some undisclosed point.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:02 am (UTC)
It's the readers trying to drown their sorrows.

Speaking of which: Pick your poison. I've got Jim Jamison, some Canadian Mist, or Jack Daniels.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:06 am (UTC)
I know what you think you did was horrible, but listen. You have been given a gift, a powerful gift that is capable of both saving lives and taking them. Your choice to only hurt him when you could have just as easily killed him shows get strength of character.

Ah, yes, a ripoff of the "With Great Power" speech from Spider-man...
szaleniec1000
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:36 am (UTC)
And not even a particularly good one.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:07 am (UTC)
"Once Caitlin had them distracted, it was easy to get to my wand. Muggles don't stand a chance against magic."

Yet they were able to quickly overpower you and your sisters before you guys could get to your wands...somehow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hUZEuSGA4
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:09 am (UTC)
No, don't tell him that! Next thing you know, he'll be on t'internet going on about the "friend zone".

Speaking as someone who has been put into the Friendzone, it's a bit more complicated than that.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:36 am (UTC)
I mean, of course rejection hurts and unrequited love is a thing. It's just the way it's often talked about is less than helpful.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:10 am (UTC)
If we're in Lance's POV, there needs to be something or he's just standing there like a lemon saying, doing and thinking absolutely nothing.

So, in other words, he's just doing the same shit he's always been doing! *rimshot*
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:13 am (UTC)
I'll grant that it wouldn't be unrealistic for someone's mind to immediately jump to "witch" in this situation, but in the context of a Muggle in a Potterfic it's still a bit too convenient.

In fact, don't you think that a Muggle in the Potterverse be a bit more in-denial about wizardry and magic? I wouldn't put it past the magical governments of the world to subtly influence certain things in order to help keep their world secret.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:37 am (UTC)
It gets even "better" later on.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:15 am (UTC)
Good news: he's not a (sigh) "Chaser" any more. Bad news: he's a pick-up artist.

Not to mention: Isn't letting him go without a Memory Charm a severe breach of the International Statute of Secrecy?
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:16 am (UTC)
Hogwarts Exposed (in common with a lot of badfic, but not with the original books or the better class of fanfic) doesn't feel like the world actually exists beyond the bare minimum necessary to give the characters context, and it really suffers from that here.

Not to mention that I'm almost CERTAIN that breaches the International Statute of Secrecy in some form!
szaleniec1000
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:39 am (UTC)
And it's only in this fic that the HE cast actually seem to care about the Statute.
(no subject) - Jeremiah Smith - Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:53 am (UTC) - Expand
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:20 am (UTC)
"I actually prayed to die rather than have them touch me,"

Prayed to who? Because from what I can tell, the wizarding world doesn't really have any sort of religion. Maybe old Druidic paganism, but I highly doubt there are Christian wizards...
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:22 am (UTC)
God knew better and didn't answer my prayer.

As a Roman Catholic, I do not endorse the remarks being made in this passage of fiction on God.

Thank you.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:23 am (UTC)
Then as tears burst from her eyes

Hogwarts Exposed has utterly ruined the shedding of tears as an emotional tool in literature for me...
otakukeith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 08:31 pm (UTC)
It's enough to make a strong man cry...
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 3rd, 2014 09:28 am (UTC)
When I see Alex Ward in September, I'm going to literally kill him.

At which point Hermione, having suddenly come to her senses, realized that she just heard this strange teenage girl make a death threat against another teenager and promptly arrested Jamie on the spot.
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