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Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 3

Last time, our intrepid nudists boarded the nudist cruise. Which seems to have everyone they met at Cap d'Agde last year, including someone they actually didn't meet but the author wants us to think they did. The only way this would make any sense is if Cap d'Agde was closed and had directed all its regulars to the same cruise.

Emily's stomach lurched at the very sound of Roz's name. Jamie and Emily had known Rosalind for a number of years because both families vacationed yearly at Cap d'Adge.

And now both families have ended up on the same cruise, along with several other people who were there last year. I'm going with the "Cap d'Agde forced to evacuate" hypothesis just to save us from one of the most ridiculously contrived coincidences ever seen in Hogwarts Exposed. And that, as those of you who've been reading these a while know, is saying a lot.

Roz had detested Jamie from day one and did everything in her power to aggravate and humiliate the girl whenever possible.

Last time it was Jamie doing most of the aggravating and humiliating, of course. Not to say that Rosalind didn't deserve it: for all she had absolutely no chance of actually having her way with Emily, threatening to do so is itself harassment and by rights she should have got into serious trouble for it. We also had Jamie angsting over how Harry and Hermione would react to her punching Rosalind, because of course they'd never dream of such a thing. Who can forget the scene from Prisoner of Azkaban where Hermione, upon hearing Draco insult Hagrid and boast about getting Buckbeak sentenced to death, sang Kumbaya at him until he went away?

In the last few years, she had even tried getting at Jamie through Emily. Last year, she had tricked Emily into a bet that was both sickening and demeaning.

She had to read Hogwarts Exposed if she lost.

Although totally impossible in the din, Roz's head turned toward the group, as if hearing Felicite bring up her name. "Oh shit!" Emily cursed.

Yeah, thanks for clarifying that. And I like how it didn't even need to be a contrived coincidence where she spots them just as they start talking about her, but the author goes out of his way to point out that she actually couldn't have heard them.

"She's coming our direction."
"Who?" Caitlin and Kim voiced in harmony.

Now normally I don't break out the "close harmony conversation" tag for short outbursts that could plausibly be spoken by two characters at once, but I can't resist with this dialogue tag.

"Rosalind," Emily said, virtually gagging on the name.
Although Kim had never met Roz, the stories she had heard from Emily and Caitlin made her extremely anxious.

These stories (offscreen, but I can forgive that - it makes sense that they'd have talked about their holidays and we don't need to see it all reiterated) apparently don't include the bit where Jamie twatted her and she went away with her tail between her legs. Even by Hogwarts Exposed standards, she's a ridiculously ineffective villain.

"What's going on here?" Roz said as she swaggered over to the group. "Is this a meeting of the hopeless losers club?"

I see she hasn't learned any more imaginative insults this year.

Roz shook her head in a self-aggrandizing way.

What exactly does a self-aggrandising way of shaking your head look like?

"Daddy said that this year's holiday would be better because we'd be away from all the riffraff, but I imagine the cruise line must allow all types on board or they'd be accused of bias."

And she just so happened to end up on the same holiday again, because the plot said so.

"I'm likewise happy to see you," Jamie said, trying her best to pay no attention to Roz's snide holier-than-thou attitude. "I believe you know everyone except Kim. She's a friend of the family."
Roz gave Kim the sort of look usually reserved for rancid garbage and then turned to a young girl, about Emily and Kim's age, that was shadowing her. "This is my niece Angel," Roz said, acting as if she were introducing royalty.

In order to have a niece who's a nudist, Rosalind must logically have a brother or sister who's also a nudist. The only family member of hers that we've met is her father. So is that another character they've met offscreen?

"I actually felt sort of sorry for Angel," Kim said. "She didn't appear to be at all like Roz. It looked like she was humiliated by that whole encounter."
"I agree," said Caitlin. "It's difficult to believe they are related. Not only do their personalities seem totally different, but also they don't look at all physically alike. Angel is extremely pretty and Roz is..." Caitlin seemed lost for the proper word.
"Roz is an unkempt hag," Emily suggested. "No, that's not being fair to hags in general."
"I always thought you were both exaggerating when you described her, but you weren't," Kim said. "She's as miserable and gross as you portrayed her. I can understand a girl or woman not wanting to go to the extreme of being smooth, but you'd think she'd at least trim. And her underarms... ugh!"

So Rosalind is bad for having a "snide holier-than-thou attitude", but it's fine when Kim does it. And let's not forget that the characters who've been the most appreciative of the girls' personal grooming habits so far are the creepy rape gang from the previous chapter: make of that what you will. As for Angel, she's so obviously being set up as the token good member of the family, and their contrasting appearances make for one of the most blatant uses of the "good is pretty" cliché in the story. And that's saying something.

The discussion of Roz came to an abrupt halt when Emily noticed Brian walking in their direction accompanied by two other boys; the girls, especially Kim, watched nervously as the boys approached.
"Hi," Brian said shyly, upon reaching them. He was addressing them all, but his eyes seemed trained on Kim, who was clearly tense.
The girls all responded with a muffled greeting. Emily was the first to break the ice. "I see you finally discarded your clothes and got with the program," Emily said, addressing Brian.

No mention is made of any male nudist's body hair or lack of, because yay for sexist double standards. Though, having said that, we didn't even find out he was naked until Emily told us. He's the boy Kim was ogling in the previous chapter; I think he was introduced in one of the bits I snipped, but you didn't miss much.

"Yeah!" he said. "This is my preferred condition of dress.

We still don't know how old he is, but it doesn't matter because nobody talks like that.

I've been a naturist my entire life. Unfortunately, coming from Pennsylvania, I don't get to practice it outdoors nearly as much as I'd like.

Yes, the winters get pretty cold there, but they do in Scotland as well.

This is Jeff and Mark's first time." He indicated his two friends. "They're only doing it so they can get to see a lot of naked women."
"You are so full of it," Jeff retorted, and then turned to the girls. "Mark and I have been nudists since we were youngsters; we're fraternal twins. We met this liar on vacation about five years ago; been putting up with him every summer since."
"How long have you guys been at it?" Mark inquired.

"Well, there was Chapter 22 of Too Exposed..."

"I've been a naturist my entire life," Emily replied. "If I had my way, clothing would never touch my body."
"You sound like a nudism activist," Mark answered back.
"I just might be," Emily said, "once I reach the age where my actions won't affect those I care for.

I think you'll find that your actions will always affect those you care for. You don't magically stop having an impact on the people around you past a certain age. I'm not even sure what she was going for here, because this makes absolutely fuck all sense whichever way you slice it.

Day Two, Tuesday, August 9, 2005, 11:00 AM, Princess Cays
"Ron, please join us," Sam entreated. "I'm sure Jamie won't mind watching Timmy. She already has Benjamin."

If the Bahamas look this much like the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue, they might as well have stayed at home.

"I'm not really feeling up to it," Ron lied. "Besides Timmy and I have to finish building this sand castle."
Truthfully, Ron wanted to join the fun; he just couldn't handle playing volleyball with a group of naked people, especially when two of those people were his best friends, Harry and Hermione Potter

I don't think "Hermione Potter" would come this naturally to Ron. He's known her as Granger for much longer, and he mostly interacts with her at work, where she still goes by it.

His lycanthropy had always caused heightened sexual desires when a full moon neared; the inability to satisfy these desires while imprisoned in Azkaban had nearly driven him insane.

Not, you know, the Dementors. Because an embodiment of depression that literally eats your soul is nothing next to not getting your end away.

It was over a week until the next full moon. He had been religiously taking the potions Severus prepared for him to dull these desires, but yet Ron found himself with a perpetual stiffy.

He needs to swap penises with Deserving!Harry. And no, the author doesn't seem to know any other synonyms for an erection.

Ron tired to hide his protuberance

I stand corrected. (Not that kind of "stand", either.) Was his protuberance protruberating the length of the grim orifice of death, by any chance?

and concentrate on helping Timmy build the castle, but it was difficult. Then suddenly it became impossible.
"Hi! Would you mind if we helped with your castle?" The pleasant female voice inquired. "My husband Jim is playing volleyball with your wife and friends and Lynn and I are bored stiff."

Maybe not the best choice of words in the circumstances.

Ron looked up and saw a smiling, sweet-faced toddler, about Timmy's age standing next to a pair of gorgeous legs. His eyes slowly climbed the legs, pausing where they joined and then, realizing that he was gawking, they hurriedly finished the journey to the lovely face that owned the legs.

She's so stunning she apparently managed to "distract" him before he even saw her. And no, the juvenile boner jokes aren't improved by the presence of toddlers. Especially not in Hogwarts Exposed.

"My name is Bonnie," the young woman said, not seeming to be at all upset that Ron had caressed her body with his eyes.
"Hi," said Ron uneasily, knowing he should get to his feet, but daring not. "Which one is your husband?"
As soon as the question passed his lips, Ron regretted asking. Now he would have to look at the group of naked volleyball players.
"Jim is the tall dark haired one between your wife and her friend with the awesome chest. Do you know who did them?" she asked.
"Who did what?" Ron asked.
"Her breasts. I was thinking of getting augmentation surgery, although nothing quite that dramatic." Bonnie stared enviously at Hermione. "Notwithstanding their size, they look very natural."

Hermione Granger, the one with the tits. I hate this fic.

"That's because they are," Ron said. "That's one hundred percent Hermione. "I've known her since we were eleven. She's an exercise aficionado and watches what she eats, but she'd never consider Muggle surgery to enhance her appearance. Her breasts are naturally quite large

Why? Because Hogwarts Exposed.

and the fact that she is breast-feeding makes them even more dominant."

Nothing about HE!Hermione could ever be called "dominant".

"What type of surgery did you say?" Bonnie asked, questioningly

How convenient that she just happened to pick up on Ron breaching the Statute of Secrecy. Wacky misunderstandings! And if there's a more redundant dialogue tag than "asked questioningly", I'd love to hear it.

"What did I say?" Ron asked, laughing as he tried to cover his slip.

Not the only thing he's trying to cover.

"I meant mug. Hermione doesn't have a vain bone in her body. She'd never have surgery done on her face or body."
"She's breast feeding?" Bonnie asked, staring a Hermione in disbelief. "I need to learn what she eats and what type of exercises she does. She defies all customary rules; it's almost magical.



But enough about her. Do you mind if my daughter and I join you and your son? I have the feeling that they'll be playing volleyball for hours."
Timmy and Lynn had already started playing nicely together; therefore, Ron found it extremely difficult to say no. How in the world would he hide his stiffy from Bonnie and what would Sam think of him fraternizing with this attractive woman?

Sam's an adult: I'm sure she can handle her husband talking to another woman. As for the "stiffy", why couldn't the author have found a synonym for an erection that didn't make Ron seem half his actual age? It's looking less and less like a word every time I read it. Cut to the kids, who are elsewhere on the Featureless Beach of Disembodied Dialogue about to go surfing.

"Have either of you ever been on a surfboard before?" Kim asked, looking at Emily and Caitlin.
"I haven't," Caitlin said. "Truthfully, I prefer my swimming water in a nice clear pool."
"I'm not that grand a swimmer," Emily admitted. "I'd drown if I went out that far."
Kim leaned the board back into its rack, dejectedly.

For all the author loves the word "dejectedly", it tends to convey an emotion slightly stronger than being disappointed that you can't go surfing on the second day of your holiday.

"Are you girls going surfing?" Brian called out as he, Jeff and Mark came bounding toward them.
"Just looking," Emily replied. "Kim is the only one with the guts and ability to try it."
"Then this is her opportunity," Jeff said. "Brian is the main man when it comes to surfing. You'll take her out, won't you dude?"

Just because you're standing next to a rack of surfboards doesn't mean you have to start talking like a surfer, you know.

"Why don't you try," Caitlin said encouragingly. "I'm sure the four of us can find something safe to do while Brian and you drown yourselves."
"You won't drown," Brian said, reaching out and squeezing Kim's hand. "I'll see to that."
"Okay," Kim said giving Brian a smile. "But if I do die, I'm coming back to haunt you."
"No chance," Brian said. "Only witches and wizards can become ghosts."

So, is Brian a badly incognito wizard, or did he just stumble across a piece of Potterverse lore by accident? And why don't the girls pick up on it? Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts:

"You have quite a way with cats," Severus said as he watched Katie relate with Crookshanks and Alfred.

Recap: Katie is the Care of Magical Creatures teacher, for reasons known only to the author. She's also shagging Snape, for reasons known only to the author, despite the fact that he's the headmaster and so her boss. She is in fact the third of his former students Snape has slept with, but nobody seems to have a problem with this. Maybe because they're all too busy persecuting nudists. And Snape is in name only.

"They're not cats," Katie corrected Severus. "Crookshanks is part Kneazle and Alfred is a purebred. These guys are both very intelligent and can almost tell at an instant whether you are trustworthy or not."
"It's a shame we humans don't possess that ability," Severus commented.
"Some do, although most don't realize it or use it to its full potential," Katie said. "Jamie Zacherley is a case in point. Hermione says the ability is strongly manifested in her, but she tends to block it, instead looking for the good redeeming values in people."

So this is why her super-special-awesome powers of working out someone's intention don't always work. I smell a retcon.

"That sounds like Jamie," Severus said. "How do you think she'd do as a member of staff?"
"Next year, just right out of school?" Katie questioned.

No. Since when the fuck do people go into teaching straight out of school?

"But I thought she had plans to go into training as an Auror."
"She does," Severus answered. "Unless she and Alex Ward do appalling on their N.E.W.T.s, I would expect them both to be accepted into the program."
"I don't understand," Katie said. "If she isn't interested in teaching, why would you be considering her?"
"Because Flitwick says she's the best qualified person to replace him when he retires next June." Severus answered. "He claims that her abilities stand far above any other candidate we've considered for the position.

I very much doubt this, considering the other candidates will have actual qualifications and life experience.

Not only that, but she's already gained some valuable experience by subbing and has shown a strong aptitude for teaching."

Yes, a glorified work experience placement qualifies you to become a teacher. Straight out, I must repeat, of school. Even leaving aside the issue of qualifications, she's going to be less than a year older than some of her students.

"Aren't Ward and she dating?" Katie asked.
"Yes! That is what is causing me consternation," Severus answered, shaking his head. "They have been extremely close friends since first year. Very much like Hermione and Harry were. Now, like the Professors, they have been chosen Head Boy and Head Girl.

Why is that an indication of anything? All it means is that they're the two seventh-years the teachers most trust with responsibility and consider to set the best example to the younger students, not that they're somehow intended for each other. And yes, the first we hear of Jamie being Head Girl is a scene she's not even in, though to be fairer than this fic deserves it was the most foregone of conclusions anyway.

Every indication is that they are destined to be together.

Super soul-mate powers, activate!

I feel that by offering her a position, I'm building a roadblock in the path of their happiness. It would dictate them being apart for three years."
"Are you asking my advice?" Katie asked.
"I value your opinion greatly."
"Then when the time comes, you must offer her the position. By not doing so, even though your intentions might be honorable, you are trying to control her life. The choice has to be theirs. It will be a difficult choice, but it must be theirs to make."

Yes, because the biggest problem with offering her a job she's not remotely qualified for that'll impact the lives of potentially hundreds of current and future students is her love life. Of course.

After a time, with Bonnie's help, the piles of sand actually began to take shape and look like a castle. The varying enticing positions that Bonnie had gotten into during the construction, however, had done little to help Ron's growth problem.

I almost prefer the constant repetition of "stiffy" to these ridiculously coy euphemisms.

Ron had tired

... of being in this godawful fic and I can't blame him.

not to look intently, but after all he was human and what guy could resist looking at a beautiful naked girl bending and stretching uninhibitedly in front of him.

How about a guy who's not attracted to women? Or a guy who is but has a gram of self-control?

"Sam! I know we've never met Jim and Bonnie before, but their faces seem so familiar. Where do I know them from?" Ron asked as soon as he caught up to Sam.
"It's a good thing you decided against a career as an Auror," Sam said with a laugh.

Because the Aurors take people who've spent four years in Azkaban all the time.

"They're the couple that was staring at us yesterday. Jim apologized for that. He said they were hoping to make some new friends on the cruise and were attracted to us."
"She's quite nice," Ron offered. "What's Jim like?"
"He reminds me a lot of you," Sam said, a dreamy sort of expression on her face. "Accept, of course, for the nudity concerns."

Oh noes! Back again to Hogwarts, or possibly the FPODD, where Draco and Ginny just so happen to be discussing nudity. Because that's all anyone thinks about in this story.

"Draco, would you ever go nude?" Ginny asked completely out of the blue, as they were finishing up dinner.
"I assume you mean with others about than just yourself," he said.
"Yes, like Harry and Hermione, on their cruise," Ginny confirmed.
Draco thought twice before answering. "Ginny, I'd rather we not fight tonight, and I think my answer might be such that it will start one."
"How would a simple yes or no answer start a fight?" she demanded.
"Because nothing is ever that simple with you," Draco retorted. "You'll insist that I explain my answer."

All is not well aboard the SS Fire and Ice, it seems. This might very well be the only time in all of the vast reaches of Harry Potter fanfic where a relationship has foundered over a dispute about the role of nudity, though. And this author would probably take that as a compliment.

"I knew you wouldn't simply settle for a yes or no," Draco said. "It would be fun for you because you're a female and females think differently than males. You women spend you're entire life in skimpy clothes trying to catch the attention of males. It's not that great a step, going from a scant bathing costume to being nude. Besides, girls look good naked."
"Are you saying that you don't look good starkers?" Ginny asked fiercely.
"Of course, I'm not. I look excellent," Draco admitted. "That's not the point; it's just something that guys don't do. A group of naked women running about is hot and sexy. A group of nude guys is just plain gay."

I'm not convinced about using Draco to represent the worst of lad culture. I see him more as the kind of person who doesn't give a shit what the riff-raff think of him than someone who'd constantly second-guess everything he did in case someone thought he was ZOMG TEH GAYZ0RZ.

Ginny just shook her head in disgust. "You know if they ever need a poster child to represent male chauvinistic pigs, you'd be a perfect choice."

So would this whole fic. Draco being called out for being a sexist, homophobic prick doesn't negate the frankly atrocious way Hogwarts Exposed continues to handle gender and sexuality, including earlier in this exact same chapter. It just makes you, the author, look like a self-righteous hypocrite. Back to Kim and Brian and their surfing lessons.

Brian had made what they had to do sound much easier than, in fact, it actually was. Ten times they had tried standing and ten times they had fallen into the brine. Kim was exceeding glad that she was a proficient swimmer; else she would have already given up and begged to return to shore. As it was, she could only picture trying this a few more times.
They fell for the eleventh time.
"Okay," Brian said with assurance. "The twelfth time is charmed."

If there's no payoff to Brian "accidentally" saying things that could be interpreted as him knowing about magic I'll... probably say that's par for the course with Hogwarts Exposed, to be honest.

"It better be," Kim gasped. "I've swallowed about as much ocean as I care to for one day."
Brian was on his feet and so was Kim. They were finally actually both standing. "Now relax," Brian said. "Lean against me and let our bodies become one."

No innuendo there.

They were actually riding a wave, albeit a small one, and headed for shore.
"This is great," Kim said happily, forgetting for the instant that Brian's naked body was pressed tightly against hers. Then he shifted to change their direction and she felt it. She knew at once what it was and it had nestled itself gently between her butt cheeks. Kim panicked and they were both in the water.

This could range anywhere from "incredibly creepy" to "KILL IT WITH FIRE" depending on how old Brian is, which we still don't know. Nor have we had even the slightest clue. Anyway, she's back in her cabin with Emily, probably the worst person she could possibly have turned to in this situation.

"Are you sure it was his Willie?" Emily asked as she and Kim lay in bed discussing the events of the day.

Not just a willy, but a Willie®! Accept no substitutes!

"I don't know!" Kim said, aggravated at Emily's doggedness. "I just knew it felt weird having a part of him touch me there." Kim thought for a minute. "He must have had a stiffy, otherwise I don't think it would have prodded me to the extent it did. I just know it didn't belong there."

It's the only slang word for an erection anyone seems to know in this fic. It's like some bizarre hive mind. Hard-on. Boner. Wood. The horn. There's a few more to help you.

"I think you're being overdramatic," Emily said assuringly.

In this fic? Perish the thought.

"Brian seems like a real nice guy. I'm sure he wasn't trying to do anything improper. It was probably just a natural reaction to his penis having rubbed against your bare skin.

This sounds exactly how a kid that age would describe what happened.

Jamie says they sort of have minds of their own sometimes; that guys can't fully control them."

Completely nonsexual!

"Speaking of which, have you noticed Professor Weasley's?" Kim asked, her face turning ruby red.
"It's somewhat difficult not to," Emily answered.

Especially when you're obsessed with the bloody things like Emily is.

"I wonder whether his large size has anything to do with him being a werewolf."

You've been reading too many bad paranormal romances, I think.

"Emily, can I ask you a question without you getting irritated and flying off the handle?" Kim questioned warily.
"I can only promise to try," Emily said with a laugh. "Lately I seem to have a very short handle."
Kim took a deep breath. "Are you and Caitlin gay? Have you had sex? I mean if you are and have, it's okay with me. I just..." She didn't finish.

She's got plot telepathy.

Emily just stared at the ceiling, completely caught off guard by Kim's questions.
"I don't think either of us is gay," she answered. "I'm not sure a person at twelve or thirteen can even be fully confident of their sexual preferences, but we are unquestionably both extremely interested in boys so I don't think that either of us is gay."
Emily took a deep breath, not sure how her best friend was going to handle the balance of her answer.

MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 54

"We have experimented with oral sex," Emily honestly admitted. "And we both found that it felt nice."

See Too Exposed Chapter 22. Better yet, don't.

Day Three, Wednesday, August 10, 2005, 10:00 AM, At Sea

Are we describing the location or the plot?

"How does he do it?" Ron asked as he helped Hermione situate and shade a sleeping Benjamin, all the time trying not to look straight at his friend. Ron was already using a towel to hide his semi-erectness; if he allowed his eyes to fully appreciate Hermione's body, he'd have a full-fledged stiffy that would never give up.

Ron not being over Hermione even as they're both married to other people should be more interesting than fodder for a stupid boner joke.

"I don't know for sure," Hermione said, stopping momentarily to watch her husband as he frolicked with the girls. "He has always been incredibly good at controlling his mind. Remember in our forth year how he was able to resist the Imperius Curse, whereas that Moody pretender had the balance of us making fools of ourselves."

MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 55

"I imagine he must be able to do something akin to that to ward off any sexual thoughts. Because when they go at it, they really go at it, and there are no holds barred," Hermione said, shaking her head as she watched her family horse around.

If nudity is completely nonsexual, he shouldn't have to.

Ron and Hermione were interrupted by the shrill sound of a woman's voice loudly calling out Hermione's name.
Hermione turned and, upon seeing Michelle Wolfskill, hurried to greet her, giving the relatively fleshy woman a proper hug. Michelle had befriended Hermione last year at Cap d'Adge; she was also responsible for telling the Potters about this cruise.

As such, she's the one person from Cap d'Agde (why does the author seem to have forgotten how to spell it?) who it actually makes sense to see here.

"Where is Lloyd?" Hermione inquired.
"Still sleeping," Michelle said disgustingly. "He was gambling till the wee hours of the morning. I didn't realize the ship had a casino when we booked passage or I might have reconsidered. Lloyd has an unhealthy obsession for playing poker."
Ron listened with great interest. Wizards had nothing that compared to casinos in their world. He was extremely eager to find out more about this form of adult Muggle entertainment. Unfortunately, Harry and Hermione seemed to both eye gambling negatively and Sam had shown little curiosity.

The only reason there aren't wizard casinos is because the author couldn't be arsed to use his imagination, because they certainly have gambling (see: Ludo Bagman) and he admits that by giving Harry and Hermione an opinion on it.

"But our family has increased in size," Hermione noted proudly as she bent over and picked up Ben. "I'd like you to meet Benjamin James Potter."
"You've had a baby?" Michele said disbelievingly. She gazed at Hermione in skepticism and then at little Ben. Temporarily all other thoughts were erased from her mind as she looked at the adorable baby.

On the one hand, you pretty much have to define a two-and-a-half-month-old baby's adorableness in terms of how other people react to him. They don't tend to say or do much at that age, this not being Deserving. On the other, however, actually describing him in the narration as adorable is still telling something you should be showing. That the reaction ends up looking like this xkcd doesn't help.

"I'll feed him if I may?" Michelle said. "It seems like forever since I've held a baby and giving me grandchildren doesn't seem to be a priority with my children. Where do you have his bottle?"
"I'm breastfeeding," Hermione said almost penitently because she knew it would draw Michelle attention to her breasts.

But not quite penitently enough, as she was beheaded by a swinging blade. The End.

"I looked all over Princess Cays for you yesterday," Hermione said. "I'd about come to the conclusion that you had decided not to book passage."
"Lloyd and I opted to stay on board yesterday," Michelle advised. "Most of the stops are pretty much the same and Princess Cays, being owned by the line, is the most bland and uninteresting of the islands."

That would explain the lack of description.

"A penny for you thoughts," Bonnie said cheerily as she approached the table a brief time later.
"A what?" A startled Ron said, immediately opening his eyes. He had closed them to seal out the copious nudity surrounding him, but had evidently done such a good job of relaxing that he had almost dozed off, while sitting up.
"I'm sorry. I forgot for the moment that you were British," she apologized. "I imagine that sounded very nonsensical to you."

Because apparently we don't have pennies. (Ron has Knuts, but Bonnie had no way of knowing this.)

"Bored? Why don't you join your family in the pool?" Bonnie asked.
"Two reasons," Ron replied. "You need to be naked to enter the pool, and I'm not a nudist. And I think you noticed the other reason yesterday."
Bonnie blushed, "Considering its size, it was rather difficult not to notice."

But nudists don't pay any more attention to genitalia than any other body part. That's what the other fics kept telling us. Anyway, she starts telling Ron about her husband:

"Don't get me wrong, we love each other very much. There are some activities we like to pursue together, but for the most part we have totally dissimilar interests. Take yesterday as an example. He would never have the patience to build a sand castle, and I couldn't hit a volleyball to save my life."
"Today, he'll probably never leave the pool and me... Please don't laugh, but if I could find a challenging opponent, I'd spend the entire day playing chess."

What were the odds?

"Oh No!" Jim cried, looking, as if irritated, toward the table where Ron and Bonnie where seated. "I don't believe it."
"What's the matter?" Sam asked concernedly.

As opposed to all those other ways of asking someone what the matter is.

"Chess!" Jim muttered under his breath. "Is your husband any good at that stupid game?"
"Actually, he's quite good," Sam answered, not at all understanding what had ignited the discussion of Ron's chess ability.
"Then I'm afraid we've both lost our spouses for the balance of the cruise," Jim said wincingly as he pointed toward Bonnie and Ron, who were absorbed in a game.

MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 56

"Is Bonnie any good?" Samantha asked.
Jim nodded his head. "She's played in a number of regional tournaments. Never won, but she's always done well. If possible, my wife would play chess twenty-four hours a day."
Sam watched Ron for a while. For the first time since they had boarded the ship, he looked relaxed and as if he were truly enjoying himself. Samantha smiled. "It looks like you and I might be spending a good deal of time together," she said with a laugh.

It's actually more than welcome to see Ron playing chess, because finally we get something he likes in canon that's not been overwritten with an all-consuming obsession with sex.

Jim smiled broadly. "What's that saying? Every cloud comes with a silvery lining. In this case that is most definitely true."
Sam returned Jim's smile, graciously accepting his complement. She wanted to be with Ron, after all this was to be a family vacation. Until now, however, Ron had been totally miserable. He had only agreed to the trip because of his love for her and Timmy. If playing chess made the trip manageable for him, then it was only fair that she allowed him this obsession. Besides, Jim seemed like a nice enough guy and certainly a fun person to spend time with.

I wonder what this could possibly be foreshadowing. Anyway, Michelle turns out to be a little more observant than Hermione gave her credit for.

Michelle shook her head as she bit down on her lip. "You're different," she finally said. "I like you. I like you very much, but there is something different about you; and by you I mean you and your entire family."
Hermione looked at Michelle concernedly. She was expecting a question in regards to her breasts or her body springing back to shape so fast after having Ben, but she wasn't expecting this. Michelle most certainly didn't know that she was magical, but somehow she had realized that she was unusual.

At least she doesn't sparkle in the sunlight.

"Last year when we first met, I took an instant liking to you," Michelle said. "I imagine most people do; you have that sort of charisma about you. Of course, I was cheering for Jamie in the competition." She hesitated a moment. "I was watching the day of the contest when Jamie reached the hotel clutching her breasts in pain. Having done some nude running myself in my younger days, I could be empathetic with the tenderness she was feeling. It was evident that the girl could run no more."
"But then I watched as you and Caitlin held hands and went into what seemed to be a deep trance. Jamie who had been sitting very quietly, almost as if in a trance herself, began to move about as if... Well, from my viewpoint she seemed to be reacting to her chest being rubbed, yet neither you nor Caitlin had touched her. This went on for a time until Emily came running up to you. She almost went into a panic yelling and shaking the three of you before finally there was a response."
"As you know Jamie went back and finished that race not showing any sign of even a token amount of tenderness. I kept my judgment to myself, not even telling my husband my suspicions. He probably would have considered me mad anyway. Besides, after what you and Harry had done... how you had taken those girls into your home and heart. I didn't want to think negatively of you."

This indeed did happen, way back in Chapter 3 of Too Exposed.

"But now look at you. Hermione, I've been a nurse for over twenty years," Michelle declared. "Your body is flawless. The most obvious unfeasibility is your breasts. Natural breasts the size of yours do not, cannot defy gravity, especially when breast feeding."

I don't know who I'm picturing with all these descriptions. I know who I'm not picturing, and that's Hermione.

"But that's not all," Michelle went on. "Your skin is perfect. Not a stretch mark or even a pimple anywhere. Even the scar you had on your arm last year; probably from a childhood injury, is gone."
Hermione glanced at her arm, almost in panic. Michelle was correct. The scar that she had gotten on her arm from a bicycle accident was gone.

The one that had never been mentioned before, you mean?

The massages that Caitlin had given her during her pregnancy had done far more than intended.
"Michelle, I don't know what to..."
"Look Out! They're attacking!" shrieked a woman.
"My god what are they!"
"They're going for those girls!"
"Someone help them, please! Oh my god, those poor kids."

They say the goal of a cliffhanger is to keep the reader reading, and in a sense this one has achieved that goal. Because I really want to carry on sporking and show you exactly how this is the stupidest one we've seen so far.

Comments

( 49 comments — Leave a comment )
blueinkedpalm
Jul. 3rd, 2014 10:53 am (UTC)
"We have experimented with oral sex," Emily honestly admitted. "And we both found that it felt nice."

See Too Exposed Chapter 22. Better yet, don't.


This is really good advice! Avoid the incestuous underage lesbian sex LIKE THE PLAGUE.

Good sparking - it's making me laugh through this horrible story!
stickblader
Jul. 3rd, 2014 04:11 pm (UTC)
Are all of Neil's characters (because he's basically warped everyone into OCs with HP names slapped on like bargain bin stickers) as mature as fifteen-year-olds? Popping boners at the slightest provocation and wanting to have sex constantly does not convey to the audience that "nudity is nonsexual." More "This author is severely sexually repressed and/or a giant creepy hypocrite, and may need therapy."

Also, is bisexuality (or experimentation) not a thing in NeilWorld?

Anyway, rant aside, thank you for sporking this, szaleniec. I don't think I could've slogged through this alone.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 3rd, 2014 04:24 pm (UTC)
He tries to justify it by saying that being a werewolf makes you perpetually horny, but the problem is that there's no canon basis for this (I don't recall Remus rushing off to have orgies with his harem in between teaching Harry how to cast the Patronus) so it just looks like he made it up as an excuse.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 4th, 2014 03:16 am (UTC)
And now both families have ended up on the same cruise, along with several other people who were there last year. I'm going with the "Cap d'Agde forced to evacuate" hypothesis just to save us from one of the most ridiculously contrived coincidences ever seen in Hogwarts Exposed. And that, as those of you who've been reading these a while know, is saying a lot.

It's like a fucking sitcom...only not at all funny.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 4th, 2014 09:15 am (UTC)
Come to think of it, there's a lot of wacky "what were the odds?" moments played entirely straight. As I've said, I really don't think the fic knows what it wants to be. Probably because it's bits of all the other three-year summer epics thrown together by someone with no idea of what made them work, and everything he added himself we'd much rather he hadn't.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:31 am (UTC)
But, but...NEIL'S AN AMAZING WORLDBUILDER, SZALENIEC!!!
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 08:18 am (UTC)
Not to say that Rosalind didn't deserve it: for all she had absolutely no chance of actually having her way with Emily, threatening to do so is itself harassment and by rights she should have got into serious trouble for it.

I continue to wonder if maybe that was one of the sideplots that Neil's hidden betas nipped in the bud. When I finished Too Exposed, I thought I'd seen the extent of Neil's depravity(little did I know that The Gang existed, and we learned that the HE series doesn't even scratch the surface), so it wouldn't have surprised me if he originally intended for Emily to lose the bet and be forced into getting taken advantage of. Or it probably would have wound up like the Amanda situation in HTE, where it got CLOSE to the worst...

Ugh.


We also had Jamie angsting over how Harry and Hermione would react to her punching Rosalind, because of course they'd never dream of such a thing. Who can forget the scene from Prisoner of Azkaban where Hermione, upon hearing Draco insult Hagrid and boast about getting Buckbeak sentenced to death, sang Kumbaya at him until he went away?

Remember, mate: Neil ABSOLUTELY HATES those fanfics that make Hermione into an ineffectual bimbo! Just ask him yourself!
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:18 am (UTC)
Although totally impossible in the din, Roz's head turned toward the group, as if hearing Felicite bring up her name.



"Oh shit!" Emily cursed.

Quick question, szaleniec: Is shit used at all in Great Britain? Or is it all "shite"?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:27 am (UTC)
"Shite" is used interchangeably with "shit", not instead of it. It's also not used as much in Southern England, which is where Harry, Ron and Hermione all come from, so the fanfics that have them all saying it tend to grate after a while. And now it occurs to me that we don't actually know which part of the UK the Zacherleys are from.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:20 am (UTC)
Now normally I don't break out the "close harmony conversation" tag for short outbursts that could plausibly be spoken by two characters at once, but I can't resist with this dialogue tag.

I'm now imagining the group just bursting out into song:

Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:31 am (UTC)
As for Angel, she's so obviously being set up as the token good member of the family, and their contrasting appearances make for one of the most blatant uses of the "good is pretty" cliché in the story. And that's saying something.

Oh yeah...so who is the Token Good Bancroft? Tony, right?
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:37 am (UTC)
"Well, there was Chapter 22 of Too Exposed..."

You can't embed Vine on here, can you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxoGQD0wtng&t=6m33s

Edited at 2014-07-13 10:41 am (UTC)
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2014 01:34 pm (UTC)
Tony isn't a Bancroft. His surname is Marburger, but we've not met the rest of his family and I don't think we ever will.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 14th, 2014 05:44 am (UTC)
Shit. So who is Dick's younger brother, then?
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:43 am (UTC)
Not, you know, the Dementors. Because an embodiment of depression that literally eats your soul is nothing next to not getting your end away.

To be fair, the Dementors were all tossed out of Azkaban after Voldemort's defeat...
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:57 am (UTC)
The Dementors are explicitly mentioned as still being in Azkaban in HE, because their removal wasn't canon when it was written.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:44 am (UTC)
She's so stunning she apparently managed to "distract" him before he even saw her. And no, the juvenile boner jokes aren't improved by the presence of toddlers. Especially not in Hogwarts Exposed.

And ESPECIALLY not with Timmy around...*shudder*
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:46 am (UTC)
Hermione Granger, the one with the tits. I hate this fic.

Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:48 am (UTC)
"I meant mug. Hermione doesn't have a vain bone in her body. She'd never have surgery done on her face or body."

Which is why she consented to hyperempath massages from Caitlin in order to avoid getting stretch marks from her pregnancy...
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:51 am (UTC)
She is in fact the third of his former students Snape has slept with, but nobody seems to have a problem with this. Maybe because they're all too busy persecuting nudists. And Snape is in name only.

I'm guessing you're counting the Mysterious Lost Weasley Sister Who Is Dead in that count?

She's also the fourth of his former students whose tits he's touched, as well.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:00 am (UTC)
I am, yes. Once is dodgy, twice is very dodgy and thrice looks like a pattern. And that kind of pattern tends to end with him mysteriously having to find a new job that's nowhere near a school.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:52 am (UTC)
"Crookshanks is part Kneazle and Alfred is a purebred. These guys are both very intelligent and can almost tell at an instant whether you are trustworthy or not."

Wonder what those two were getting up to in between their sparse mentions. They're not nudists, after all.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:55 am (UTC)
Yes, a glorified work experience placement qualifies you to become a teacher. Straight out, I must repeat, of school. Even leaving aside the issue of qualifications, she's going to be less than a year older than some of her students.

Not to mention that Neil could have established some credibility for Snape's claims by SHOWING HER DOING THE FUCKING TEACHING! Instead of leaving it on the goddamn cutting room floor in favor of a godawful sex-scene and Emily and Caitlin's incest!
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 10:56 am (UTC)
Why is that an indication of anything? All it means is that they're the two seventh-years the teachers most trust with responsibility and consider to set the best example to the younger students, not that they're somehow intended for each other.

Aren't she and Alex broken up later on, anyway?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:01 am (UTC)
Temporarily, I think, but I've not read that far ahead. I'd laugh if it turned out that the super-special-awesome soulmates were still apart during the chapter where he seemingly abandoned Underexposed, though.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:02 am (UTC)
And this author would probably take that as a compliment.

Well, HG131 DID say that the fanfic was over 300K words, and that was worthy of praise!
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:08 am (UTC)
Strangely, I never saw him so enthusiastic in praising After the End, which is 600k and actually good.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:32 am (UTC)
What's that one about?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:50 am (UTC)
It was written during the three-year summer, and was their version of what happens in the year after Harry et al leave Hogwarts and defeat Voldemort. It holds up surprisingly well today, not least because they did a good job of predicting what actually does happen later in canon. Here it is.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:05 am (UTC)
So would this whole fic. Draco being called out for being a sexist, homophobic prick doesn't negate the frankly atrocious way Hogwarts Exposed continues to handle gender and sexuality, including earlier in this exact same chapter.

I continue to be glad that Neil completely forgot about his pairing of Dean and Seamus. *shudders*
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:06 am (UTC)
If there's no payoff to Brian "accidentally" saying things that could be interpreted as him knowing about magic I'll... probably say that's par for the course with Hogwarts Exposed, to be honest.

Assuming that this Brian is a wizard, for the sake of argument...what would be the point of the goddamn act in the first place? Wouldn't his allusions and shit be taken as violations of the Statute of Secrecy?

Edited at 2014-07-13 11:33 am (UTC)
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:56 am (UTC)
Whichever way it goes, it's bad. That's Hogwarts Exposed for you.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:08 am (UTC)
"I don't know!" Kim said, aggravated at Emily's doggedness. "I just knew it felt weird having a part of him touch me there." Kim thought for a minute. "He must have had a stiffy, otherwise I don't think it would have prodded me to the extent it did. I just know it didn't belong there."

Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:13 am (UTC)
"I don't think either of us is gay," she answered. "I'm not sure a person at twelve or thirteen can even be fully confident of their sexual preferences, but we are unquestionably both extremely interested in boys so I don't think that either of us is gay."

Or you could be, y'know, bisexual. Fucking moron.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:15 am (UTC)
"We have experimented with oral sex," Emily honestly admitted. "And we both found that it felt nice."

Are you 13 or 30, Emily!? Jesus...

See Too Exposed Chapter 22. Better yet, don't.

Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:16 am (UTC)
Remember in our forth year how he was able to resist the Imperius Curse, whereas that Moody pretender had the balance of us making fools of ourselves."

That "Misused Balance Count" needs to count for more. For some reason, it annoys the ever-loving SHIT out of me that it's being used in the same sentence that's referencing a canon event.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:18 am (UTC)
The only reason there aren't wizard casinos is because the author couldn't be arsed to use his imagination, because they certainly have gambling (see: Ludo Bagman) and he admits that by giving Harry and Hermione an opinion on it.

Please. Since when has something so paltry as CANON mattered when it comes to Neil wanting to subtly bash the Weasley family?

Edited at 2014-07-13 11:19 am (UTC)
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:21 am (UTC)
They don't tend to say or do much at that age, this not being Deserving.

Or Timmy.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:22 am (UTC)
Because apparently we don't have pennies. (Ron has Knuts, but Bonnie had no way of knowing this.)

I see what you did, there!

instantrimshot.com

Doesn't Britain have pence?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:47 am (UTC)
I didn't intend there to be a pun there, but nor did I edit it when I realised it could be taken that way. ;)

A 1p coin (worth a hundredth of a pound) is a penny. "Pence" refers to a given sum of money, and "pennies" to a given number of individual 1p coins.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:24 am (UTC)
It's actually more than welcome to see Ron playing chess, because finally we get something he likes in canon that's not been overwritten with an all-consuming obsession with sex.

I wonder if Neil will ruin it by turning it around and inserting a melodramatic "suspected affair" subplot later...
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:48 am (UTC)
Yes.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:26 am (UTC)
I wonder what this could possibly be foreshadowing. Anyway, Michelle turns out to be a little more observant than Hermione gave her credit for.



We both know how foreshadowing works in this story, dude.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:28 am (UTC)
"I was watching the day of the contest when Jamie reached the hotel clutching her breasts in pain. Having done some nude running myself in my younger days, I could be empathetic with the tenderness she was feeling. It was evident that the girl could run no more."

Way to contradict your own continuity, Neil, considering the wittering you went about back in Exposed!
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:28 am (UTC)
I don't know who I'm picturing with all these descriptions. I know who I'm not picturing, and that's Hermione.

You're probably picturing a Barbie doll, what with the ridiculous proportions we're hearing described...
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:30 am (UTC)
They say the goal of a cliffhanger is to keep the reader reading, and in a sense this one has achieved that goal. Because I really want to carry on sporking and show you exactly how this is the stupidest one we've seen so far.

Considering the pedigree of Pseudo-Crisis Cliffhangers we've had in HE thus far...I'm not looking forward to it.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 13th, 2014 11:48 am (UTC)
It is gloriously terrible.
katistrophe
Jul. 22nd, 2014 09:44 pm (UTC)
Angel. Gee, people, do you think she might be supposed to be good? Beauty (and shaving) equals goodness, it seems.

the inability to satisfy these desires while imprisoned in Azkaban had nearly driven him insane.
"Woe is me, for I have forgotten how to wank!" ... thank you, brain, I did not need that image.

Ron tired to hide his protuberance
...that must have been one of the worst euphemisms this side of man-carrot.

"My name is Bonnie,"
The problem with badfics occasionally naming characters after actors (see: Dan and Emma) is that it makes me think characters are named after actors when they aren't. I mean, he can't have made a deliberate reference to Bonnie Wright of all people with the name of a woman Ron ogles. ...right?

...and now Hermione is defined by her tits. Lovely.

It's the only slang word for an erection anyone seems to know in this fic. It's like some bizarre hive mind.
It's a good thing that hivemind isn't linked in to WTF Fanfiction's genital list. Imagine each time "stiffy" came up (erm, bad word choice?) it was instead substituted by something like "hardened arousal", "raging fuck missile", "hardened dingly-diddly-dinga-long"...

"I wonder whether his large size has anything to do with him being a werewolf."
I feel compelled to add another item to the list: "hairy wolf dingaling".

szaleniec1000
Jul. 22nd, 2014 10:02 pm (UTC)
Take it you're catching up with the sporkings! :)

The problem with badfics occasionally naming characters after actors (see: Dan and Emma) is that it makes me think characters are named after actors when they aren't. I mean, he can't have made a deliberate reference to Bonnie Wright of all people with the name of a woman Ron ogles. ...right?

Considering she was thirteen when this was written, I sincerely hope not. For any other fic, that would be evidence that it wasn't an intentional reference, but for this one... bleurgh.
( 49 comments — Leave a comment )

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