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Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 5

Last time on Hogwarts Exposed: the worst hazard when trekking naked through a tropical rainforest is running into a cop who's apparently the long-lost relative of the gang from Chapter 2. Or else the gang from The Gang. Also, the Great One is a goose.

“Sir, we’re sorry,” Brian beseeched. “Our clothes are in this backpack. No one saw us. Can’t you please just let us get dressed and forget that this ever happened?”

Of course not. That would be the sensible thing to do. Along with finding their parents and having a few stern words about letting them wander off with no clothes on, of course.

“Keep your hands out of that bag and carefully pass it to me,” the officer ordered. “You Americans are all the same; you think we’re savages and that you’re above ours laws. I’ll be making an example of you six.”

Just their luck to find the one evil cop on the island, as it was just their luck to get the Portkey that dumped them in the middle of a random rape gang. And what, does he think there's a fucking bomb in the rucksack or something?

“But officer…”Caitlin began to implore.
“Silence!” he bellowed. “I’m not interested in hearing any excuses or pleading. Save your whining for the judge.

Yeah, good luck explaining to the judges how you created unnecessary work for them.

My truck is just at the end of this path, on the beach; head for it now and don’t even think about trying to make a break.”

It occurs to me that Jamie isn't there because she could have got her wand out of its invisible holster and hexed the cop, and the boys are there so they couldn't have got away with the concealment charm. But what about Caitlin's hyperempathetic telepathy? Can't she alert Hermione? Or do what she did to the gangster in Chapter 2?

Heads turned in shock as the six naked teenagers exited the forest and walked in a line toward the flatbed truck.

Emily and Kim, at least, aren't teenagers. They're coming up to their second year at Hogwarts, which means that they're twelve or just about to turn twelve. Though you'd be forgiven for not remembering this, since nobody has a birthday in Hogwarts Exposed. And even when ages are given the author is in the habit of retconning them when he realises that you start Hogwarts when you're eleven, not twelve. (Because it's not like Harry's eleventh birthday is a big deal in Philosopher's Stone.) And, of course, we still don't know how old the boys are.

The boys assisted the girls up and then jumped aboard themselves. The bed of the truck had a pipe railing around its edge with three-foot tall supports located about every five feet.
As the officer opened the passenger side of the truck and leaned in to retrieve something, Caitlin whispered to the others. “What’s up with this guy? He arrested us for being nude, but now he’s forbidding us to get dressed. No one saw us while we were in the forest, but now we’ve gathering a healthy size audience.”

There are apparently a lot of people with nothing better to do.

Before anyone could offer a possible explanation, the officer returned carrying an armful of handcuffs.

This doesn't tell us much, because they could be there all day and not find a possible explanation. As I say every time this happens, which in Hogwarts Exposed is often, having your characters point out the plot holes does not magically stop them being plot holes.

For the briefest of moments, Kim’s attention was drawn away from her bloated bladder as she listened in embarrassment to two teenaged boys standing next to the truck.
“I’ve never seen a naked girl before, have you?” The one boy asked animatedly, staring up at Kim in awe.

I'm fairly sure the internet existed in 2005, you know.

“No,” said his friend. “This is cool! Hey! How about giving us a better look?”
Kim couldn’t ignore them, but neither did she answer. She closed her eyes trying to pretend this was simply a terrible dream, but even so, she was powerless to hold back her tears.
Brian, who was handcuffed to Kim’s left side, shouted angrily, “Leave her alone!”
“Make me!” shouted the first boy. Then he glanced to his friend. “While he’s gone, I’m going to finger her.”

These lads are apparently the prototype for the Gang gang. And just happened to be passing by when naked people were being chained to the cop's truck, because Hogwarts Exposed.

“If you give me your word not to lay a hand on her,” Emily said, “I’ll spread my legs and crouch as low as I possibly can, and I’ll let you touch me.”
“Emily, you can’t,” Kim protested.
“Yes I can,” Emily persisted. “I got you into this. Besides, you know I can handle these circumstances better than you can. To me they’re just body parts.”

Just body parts, which is why they're your favourite topic of conversation.

Fortunately, just as Emily started to squat down, the officer returned. The two boys and everyone else stepped back a few steps from the truck as he gave the horde an appalled look. “You people are just as bad as these brazen deviates! Go on about your business!”

From what little we've been shown of the antagonist du jour, the AHEDV really doesn't fit.

Slowly, reluctantly the crowd began to disperse.
“Your parents must be extremely proud of you,” he said sarcastically, returning his attention to his young captives. “High on drugs, running around completely exposed,

One might even say overexposed!

and having sex in public.”
“We don’t do drugs, and we certainly weren’t having sex,” Caitlin protested.

For once, the "completely nonsexual" argument actually works. And the only drugs involved are whatever the author took to hallucinate the idea that this subplot makes sense.

He turned in the direction of Caitlin, looking as if he were about to slap her surly face, but rejected giving into the desire. “I thought I said no talking! Now I suppose you’re going to tell me you’re not naked either?” he yelled. “Since you all seem to enjoy exposing yourselves, I believe I’ll take the long way back to the station, through town.”

And good luck explaining to the judge how you aided and abetted their offence.

Obviously, he expected a strong negative reaction to this comment, but everyone seemed to take it in stride with the exception of Kim. “Please Sir!” she begged. “I have to pee something awful. May I please relieve myself before we start the trip?”
“You may not,” he retorted maliciously. “I suggest that you hold it or you’ll be facing additional charges.”

Additional charges of indecent exposure on top of the charge of indecent exposure? I'm not sure her having a piss now would count as another (well) count, to be honest.

With that said, he returned to the cab of the truck and started the engine.
As the truck bounced insensitively overland toward the main road, Emily gave Kim an anxious look. “How bad is it,” she asked concernedly.

She was so concerned that she forgot the question mark.

“That was fun,” Hermione remarked, as she and Harry returned to their stateroom. “The tropical forest was so beautiful.”

It occurs to me that Hermione is a wolf Animagus. If Caitlin summoned her with telepathy, she could be there and distract the evil cop long enough for them to leg it, then disappear into the jungle and transform back to human and as far as any Muggles were concerned it'd just have been a wild animal attack.

“I liked that we finally all got to do something together,” Harry added. “I’ve felt bad that Ron was always missing out on everything.”

It's rare enough to see this acknowledged in a Harry/Hermione fic so I feel I should give some credit, but it's hard when it's tied to:

“Ron seemed to appreciate that St. Kitts didn’t allow nudity,” Hermione agreed. “He must feel awfully out of place all the time. I’ve given up on the prospect that he’ll ever feel comfortable enough to take his clothes off around us.”

... this ridiculous subplot.

“I agree,” Harry said. “He’d only be comfortable enough to do that around Bonnie.”
“Bonnie?” Hermione cried, shock evident in her voice. “What makes you think he would be able to undress in front of her when he can’t around us?”
“You sound jealous,” Harry responded, with a laugh.
“In a way, I am,” Hermione answered. “The three of us have been friends since age eleven. She’s a total stranger.”

Wait, didn't Hermione actually go out with Ron?

“In this case, I think that is an advantage she has over us. Ron likes her, he’s seems extremely comfortable with her, and he’ll likely never see her again.”
“Harry, do you think Ron would cheat on Sam? I mean, he cheated on me when I dated him, and he was pretty lascivious before he got sent to Azkaban.” Hermione asked tentatively.

This is the first time any of this has been mentioned since the first chapter of the first fic.

“I was wondering the same thing about Sam today,” Harry replied. “I like Jim and Bonnie a lot; they’re nice and great fun, but….”
“But what?” Hermione entreated. “Harry, say what you’re thinking.”
“Its probably just my imagination, but they both act more like they’re courting Sam and Ron rather than just being friends,” Harry suggested.
“Oh! My God, Harry!” Hermione practically screamed.

Such a Hermione-like reaction, I'm sure you'll agree.

“I was thinking the same thing. They pay more consideration to Ron and Sam then they do to each other.”
“Michelle and Lloyd seemed to give Jim and Bonnie a wide berth,” Harry observed.
“I noticed that too, and it’s completely out of character for Michelle. She usually likes everyone.”

This whole fic is completely out of character for Hermione, but that doesn't stop anyone. And it'd have been much better to actually see Michelle's reaction to Jim and Bonnie and how it contrasts with her usual demeanour than be told about it second-hand.

Their conversation came to an abrupt halt when there was a loud knock at the door.
“The captain needs to have a word with you right now,” the messenger barked none too politely, when Harry unlock the door.



They had broken the law; they all recognized that, but they couldn’t fathom the manner in which they were now being treated. In the eyes of the law, they were guilty of indecent exposure for having hiked nude, but thus far their punishment seemed to be a prolongation of their crime, only to a much more serious degree.

Which is what I've been saying all along. When even the characters (and by extension the author) think the plot makes fuck-all sense, what chance does the reader have?

Now, still naked, they had spent the last hour in a dank jail cell – a completely bare cell without even a simple bench to sit on and certainly not equipped with a comfort facility.

I wonder what this could possibly be leading up to.

“We have to dash,” Harry said, running to Kim and scooping her up into his arms as if she were a doll. “Don’t be afraid,” Harry said as he hurried out the door. “Everything is okay now. Hermione and I aren’t angry with you. We know this wasn’t your idea.” Before she had a chance to try and squirm free or even speak, she lost control of her bladder.

This was telegraphed so blatantly that it would have made more sense to have it resolved by her actually being able to find a toilet.

At first Harry had absolutely no idea what had happened. It was as if someone had opened a spigot and he was being flooded with warm water. Then Kim burst into tears.
“Oh my god!” she cried. “I’m so sorry professor. I’ve had to go for hours and he wouldn’t let me use… I can’t believe… Oh, I could just die…”

Because it's not like it could be cleaned up in a fraction of a second with a spell or anything like that. Seriously. And indeed that's what happens, and she's so amazed that Harry can do wandless magic. Even though he doesn't need to do wandless magic since he's apparently got an invisible wand holster.

“Don’t you guys have any common sense?!” Jamie asked Emily, Caitlin and Kim once they returned to their rooms.

They're Hogwarts Exposed characters. What do you think?

Harry and Hermione had been asked, along with the parents of the other youths involved, to join the captain. “This isn’t Britain. These people could have chucked you in jail and thrown away the key. What would you have had Harry and Hermione do then – magic you out?”

Uh, yes?

“I never thought we’d be arrested,” Emily said.
“That’s the problem with you! YOU! NEVER! THINK! Sometimes I’m embarrassed to admit that you’re my sister,” Jamie said, frustration evident in her voice.
“Emily wasn’t the only one,” Caitlin said defensively. “We all did it.”

And what happened is hardly what you'd expect. You'd have thought their parents would be the ones to get into trouble, considering they're (you know) kids. I like how the cop was all for locking them up to set an example, but didn't have anything at all to say to the people who were supposed to be responsible for them. Yes, they were idiots, but that doesn't mean the plot that actually happened made any sense.

Emily sulked as she tried to think of a way to change the subject. “So what did you and Felicite do today while we were getting ourselves arrested?” she asked.
“We spent most of the day at the hospital with her sister, Monica,” Jamie answered still rather hotly, but she was beginning to cool down..
“Why? What happened to her?” Kim, who had been sitting quietly, asked.
“She has a broken ankle,” Jamie answered in disappointment.
“But she was going to dance in the ship’s talent competition,” Caitlin shrieked.

The talent competition is shriek-worthy serious business, even though she's not entering. And apparently she's able to shriek without an exclamation mark, but then this author has people exclaim without an exclamation mark so whatever.

“How did she go about breaking her ankle?”
“She didn’t,” Jamie replied, anger evident in her voice. “She was laying on the beach and had actually just dozed off, when a girl playing Frisbee stepped on her ankle and then ran off.”
“Hold on,” Emily cried. “Haven’t I heard this story before?”
“Yeah.” Caitlin agreed. “That’s how Roz’s friends tried to knock Felicite out of the competition last year. That’s just too much of a coincidence.”

And when Hogwarts Exposed characters think something's too much of a coincidence, that's really saying something.

“Felicite and I agree,” Jamie said, “especially considering that the girl doing the stepping seems to roughly fit Roz’s description.”

Roz doesn't have a description. All we know about her is that she doesn't shave, which is evil because a judgemental rear end in a top hat tells us it is.

“What are Monica parents going to do about it? Roz can’t be allowed to get away with this!” Emily declared.
“Unfortunately there were no witnesses, and Monica never got a good look at the girl’s face,” Jamie said disgustedly. “She was in dreadful pain.”
“It had to have been Roz,” Caitlin said shaking her head. “She’s eliminating the strongest competition so that her niece has a better chance of winning. If only I had been there, perhaps I could have healed it.”
“Too late for that now,” Jamie said shrugging her shoulders. “Perhaps it’s best you weren’t there. We’ve drawn too much attention to ourselves already on this cruise.”

When was it established that you have to hyperempathise someone right after they're hurt? The first appearance of hyperempathy in Hogwarts Exposed had Hermione running around the castle de-nippled for however the hell long it was before Snape was able to grope her back to full health.

“I thought she was different,” Kim said downheartedly. “It was my idea for us to befriend Angel. She is just like Roz – cheating so she can win a stupid contest and not caring who she hurts in the process.”

Hang on a second. Aren't we jumping to conclusions a bit here? We're assuming that it actually was her based on one account from someone who didn't see her properly, we're assuming that she's stupid enough to use exactly the same method twice right down to using Frisbee-playing as a cover (okay, as a Hogwarts Exposed character, that might be a given) and we're assuming that Roz did it at Angel's request rather than interfering in her niece's life in exactly the way she's been established as doing. Maybe she's taking it upon herself to nobble the competition. Or maybe someone else is trying to frame her.

“Sad part is that it will probably work,” Jamie said disgustingly. “I’ve seen the tryouts, and the only real competition Angel had was Monica.”
Kim had a look of anger on her face. She had reached out to Angel and this was her thanks. She felt betrayed. “Is it too late to enter that contest?” she asked.

Why is Kim the one who's pissed off? She barely knows either of them, but she volunteers to take Monica's place in the contest on the strength of her singing in the shower.

“I don’t think I’ve ever met such a miserable man,” Hermione said, as she and Harry discussed their meeting with the captain. “He makes Captain Blye seem like a pussy cat.”
“I think I’d prefer to be keel hauled rather than meet with him again,” Harry said wincingly.
“There for a while, I thought he was going to have us all walk the plank,” Hermione laughed.
“He wanted to throw us off the ship. I could see it in his eyes,” Harry said. “But he would have had to do it to all the families involved, and I doubt he could have justified that to his superiors.”

And the small matter of you being able to make sure that he forgets everything that's happened. And I can't take this confrontation between Harry and Hermione and the captain seriously when I picture the scene: the captain standing there all stern in his uniform and captain's hat, and Harry and Hermione standing before him completely starkers. It's like one of those nightmares.

“I understand him being upset, but even he admitted that the lost time could be made up,” Hermione said. “I’m just thankful that the St. Kitts’ judge was understanding. If it had been up to that perverted cop, the kids would be doing time.”

I wish we could have seen the interaction between the cop and the judge. The line "you must be fucking joking" was surely involved. Anyway, Kim tries to enlist Bonnie's help for her act, having found out offscreen (apparently) that she's a dancer.

“I’ll be happy to help you,” Bonnie said, eagerly, “but we don’t have much time. Ron.” Bonnie reached over and grasped Ron’s hand. “I could really use your help.”
“Me?” Ron said horror-struck. “I don’t know anything about singing or dancing.”
“There’s lots you can do to help that doesn’t require that.” Bonnie replied and then turned her attention to Kim. “Your show is only four days away. Whatever you do, will have to be simple, but at the same time attention grabbing. What in the world can you do to grab attention when you and the other contestants are already performing nude? Do you have any songs in mind?”
“Not really,” Kim answered. “This is all fairly spur of the moment.”
Suddenly Bonnie had an inspiration. “You’re only twelve, but you already have a nice figure. This is a little risqué considering your age, but hopefully the majority of the people in the audience will see the humor intended and find it funny.”

Yeah, that's a vain hope considering the abysmal standard of what passes for humour in Hogwarts Exposed.

“What do you have in mind?” Ron asked, his interest having been incited.

I'm slightly concerned about Ron's interest being incited by a twelve-year-old, considering that he's got a one-track mind even by Hogwarts Exposed standards. And yes, she was a teenager earlier in the chapter.



“I thought that perhaps she could…”

And cut. Now I understand the problem with plans, whereby if a plan is made on-screen then something must go wrong when it's actually implemented or you're effectively repeating yourself. (Though in Hogwarts Exposed there's no guarantee of that.) However, this is not the answer. It is in fact an example of what How Not To Write a Novel calls "The Service Interruption", whereby information known to the POV character is conspicuously withheld from the reader, giving the effect of reading a censored document. Of course there's not enough space to dump the entire contents of the POV character's brain onto the page, even if they are a Hogwarts Exposed character, but it's not unreasonable to expect that important stuff isn't left out.

Day Seven, Sunday, August 14, 2005, Antigua
“Just two more days. Are you as eager as I am?” Jim asked keenly. He and Sam were playing Frisbee, Timmy and Lynn playing in the sand nearby.

Plot twist: they're the ones who crocked Monica.

“I’m sure it will be fun,” Samantha answered lukewarmly. “Ron can’t wait, but then you guys are usually more into that sort of thing than us women.”

It's funny because they still don't know that the plan is sex but sound like they're talking about it anyway! I've mentioned a few times that the bizarre tonal shifts in Hogwarts Exposed give the impression of something stitched together from bits of several fics, and this bit obviously comes from the one based on rejected sitcom plots. Speaking of sex:

“Harry, am I a sex fanatic?” Hermione asked as they lay sunning near the pool, Ben sleeping contently next to her in his basinet.

Yes. Next question?

“Not that I can tell,” he said, “but I’d have no complaints if you turned into one. That’s assuming, of course, that I’d be the object of your lust. What exactly brought about this topic of conversation?”
“I was just laying here looking at you, and I suddenly had the strongest urge to take you in my mouth and pleasure you here and now in full view of all these people.”

I rest my case.

“Damn you, Hermione Jane,” Harry cursed as he quickly rolled over onto his stomach. “You know full well that you’d never do any such thing in public. The only reason you said that was to see if it would cause a reaction. Are you happy?”
“I’d be happier if you hadn’t rolled over and hid,” she confessed. “You know I love seeing you naked and hard.”

Hermione Granger, everyone. Why? Because Hogwarts Exposed. Also note that there are naked male characters in these scenes, yet at no point is their body hair or lack of commented on.

Day Eight, Monday, August 15, 2005, St. Maarten
“I thought for sure they’d tell us at breakfast that we could skip these costumes today,” Emily said moodily, as she look disgustingly at her skirted swim costume.

Yeah, they've had to wear swimsuits after their naked stunt. It was in the bit that I snipped for being too dull to spork.

“There were busy talking to Sam and Professor Weasley. Maybe they just forgot,” Caitlin suggested.
“I know this is going to sound completely out of character, but I was really looking forward to going back to the way things were today,” Kim said.

And if anyone should know about "completely out of character", it's this author.

Emily looked quickly around the room. “Who said that? It sounded like Kim’s voice, but she’d never look forward to being nude.”
“Maybe this isn’t really Kim. Maybe it’s some Polyjuice substitute. I bet it’s a boy,” Caitlin said between giggles.
“Is that possible,” Emily asked, suddenly turning very serious. “Can a boy become a girl and visa versa using Polyjuice?
“I don’t know,” answered Kim. “That would certainly make for some interesting observations.”
“Can you imagine, suddenly having a willie down there!?” Caitlin squealed.
“I think we should try it,” Emily suggested, “when we get back to school. I know Mum still has all her notes and everything from when she and Dad did it in their second year; I’ve seen them.”

This is actual foreshadowing, believe it or not. I wish it wasn't. I really do. As for the Polyjuice Potion, it's not common knowledge to students Emily's age (only Hermione had heard of it in Chamber of Secrets, and needed a book from the Restricted Section to get the recipe) but I can buy these having heard of it because of their parents' exploits. Even if Emily's copy of Harry: A History would probably fall open at the pages with the pictures of them shagging. Since this was written before Deathly Hallows, they haven't got the Seven Potters scene to confirm that you can indeed take the form of someone of a different physical sex. If this author had written that scene, Hermione would have been even more useless than she normally is in Hogwarts Exposed because she'd have been too busy examining Harry's tackle. As would Fleur, probably. Come to think of it, where is Fleur in this fic?

“It would be neat to be a boy for an hour, but what if something went terribly wrong?” Kim asked concernedly.
“What could possibly go wrong?” Emily asked.

Emily has apparently not read the Draco Trilogy.

“Off the top of my head, I can think of a number of things,” Caitlin said. “Don’t forget, Mum turned into a half-cat/half-girl. I don’t want to end up with a boy’s chest.” Caitlin cupped her breasts in her hands. “They aren’t much, but they’re all I have, and I’ve waited forever for them.”

Oh, you foolish fools thinking you'd seen the last of Caitlin's breast angst.

“I’m sure Mum would have it in her notes if there are any restrictions,” Emily said assuredly. “Besides, it’s not like we’d be doing it tomorrow. We have plenty of time to think about it. Lets just be sure to get the necessary ingredients when we refill our potion supplies.”

If you can just buy Polyjuice ingredients at a regular shop, why does everyone who uses Polyjuice in canon (the trio in Chamber of Secrets, then Crouch Jr in Goblet of Fire) have to raid Snape's private store?

The girls had just finished dressing when there was a knock on the door.
“Hermione and I were afraid you girls already left for shore,” Harry said as he entered the room. “We wanted to inspect you before you left.”
“Inspect us?” all three girls mumble.
“Yes, inspect you,” Harry said sternly as Hermione stood back trying to keep a straight face.

Do you mind sharing it with the class?

“Line up shoulder to shoulder,” Harry barked. “Stomachs in! Chests out!” Harry assessed the girls as if he were a commanding officer inspecting his troops. He leaned forward and whispered something in Caitlin’s ear that made her blush, and then he turned to Hermione. “What do you think?”
Hermione smiled and nodded her head. “Give the order.”
Harry also smiled, and then shouted. “Strip and hit the beach!”

And so the consequences of their actions in this chapter last less than a chapter.

“What was that all about,” Hermione asked when they were alone. “What did you whisper to her to spark that outburst?”
“I just told her that she was getting much better at chest out.”
“Harry, you didn’t,” Hermione said, shock evident in her voice. “She’s your little girl. It’s embarrassing for a young girl to have their father notice the physical changes that are taking place in their bodies, yet alone discuss them. Why did you mention that?”

Hermione for once remembering that she's supposed to be the voice of reason.

“We both know that she has been very conscious of her chest for some time,” Harry began to explain.

Which is why it's not been mentioned since Chapter 10 of Too Exposed, nearly an in-universe year ago. Considering that breasts are referenced a total of two hundred and eighty-five times across Exposed, Too Exposed and Overexposed, you'd think if this was important it would at least have been mentioned in passing if nothing else.

“Yes,” Harry said, nodding his head. “I think our little girl is dealing with some mixed emotions about growing up.”
“I’m having the same feelings,” Hermione said, sorrowfully. “Emily and Caitlin are both becoming young women. I’m proud of them both, but I wish I could have shared more of their little girl years.”

I thought Hermione already knew Emily from before she came to Hogwarts because of how close she was to Jamie. She mentions her way back in the very first chapter, before we actually meet her.

“Me too!” Harry agreed desolately.

I get that he's supposed to come over as regretful, but an exclamation mark with an adverb as strong as "desolately" gives this image of him throwing his head back and wailing like a man undone. Meanwhile, at the swimming pool, Ron has finally decided (been pressured, honestly) to get his kit off and go into the pool, but there's a slight problem. I bet you can't guess what it is.

“Not until I give you a reward,” Sam said, jumping into the pool and immediately hugging Ron and giving him a sound kiss.
“Thanks, Sam,” Ron said sarcastically. “I’m sure that you being plastered all over me will really help to relax me.
“Sam, I tried. Please, lets get out of here before anyone sees me,” he implored, but it was too late.
[...]
“How am I going to get out of here?” Ron said in a panic.
“I’m sorry,” Sam cried. “I feel like I forced you do to this.”

You reckon?

“Look, I know this is none of my business,” Jamie said swimming up to them, “but it’s apparent you guys have a problem. May I help?”
“I’m not sure what you can do to help,” Sam said. “I talked Ron into getting in here and now we seem to be trapped.”

Jamie, of course, seems to immediately realise what kind of "trapped" we're talking about. For all she knows, it could just be that Ron can't swim.

“How strong are you Professor?” Jamie asked. “Do you think you could carry both Sam and me at the same time?”
“That is probably the only benefit to being a werewolf,” Ron whispered nervously.

Yeah, just casually talk about being a werewolf in a crowded swimming pool. To be fair, any Muggle who overheard would probably just think they were roleplaying or that it was some kind of code word.

“We have incredible strength. But I don’t see how my physical prowess will help in this situation.”

I mentioned the Draco Trilogy before, and that seems to be where this idea of Potterverse werewolves having super strength in human form comes from. (More accurately, it comes from some existing werewolf myths and was imported into the Potterverse via the Draco Trilogy.) I'm not even surprised. The Draco Trilogy is conspicuously absent from the author's list of inspirations, but I doubt there are many Harry Potter fanfic writers who haven't been directly or indirectly influenced by it in some way.

“My dad had a bad habit of getting aroused at the most inopportune time,” Jamie explained.

Which we never actually saw while he was alive. Anyway, they do that and Jamie has to grab Ron's willy at one point because of course she does.

”You weren’t uncomfortable doing that at all, were you.” Ron said more as a statement than a question. He was obviously embarrassed that she had to grab that part of his anatomy.
“No, not really,” Jamie said coolly as Sam ran up to them and handed Ron his towel. “It’s difficult to explain, but Emily and I were brought up in an atmosphere totally alien to most people. What do you think of first when I say naked or nude? Please be honest.”
Ron turned pink and after some dithering said, “Sex.”

I'm not sure what this is meant to prove, because HE!Ron can't think of anything without thinking of sex.

“Don’t be embarrassed; that’s what most people would answer. Our society has come to equate nudity with sex.

The only wizards we've seen actually equating nudity with sex have been a series of strawmen, one of whom was born in the 19th century and the other of whom has a name that literally means "crap", and a guy who can barely manage to eat dinner without wanting to shove his dick in it. I'm not convinced that's representative of wizarding society. (The cop from earlier isn't part of "our" society from Jamie's POV because he's both foreign and a Muggle.) Now I'll grant you that the others are doing a poor job of actually living up to the idea of nudity being completely nonsexual, but that's down to the author being even worse at showing than he is at telling.

Emily and I would have both answered 'comfort'. It’s the same if you mention penis or vagina. Most people immediately think of sex, despite the fact that people urinate a lot more from those areas than they have sex with them.

Okay, the author's outdone himself this time. I didn't wake up this morning thinking I'd have to explain to someone who's allegedly an adult that you don't urinate from the vagina. I don't even have one and I know this! Also, I'm not convinced that Harry and Hermione and Ron and Sam actually do go to the toilet more often than they screw. Because Hogwarts Exposed.

Comments

( 50 comments — Leave a comment )
mancalledtrue
Jul. 10th, 2014 05:42 pm (UTC)
Not that I want to defend Neil in any way, shape, or form, but public urination is its own crime in much of the world separate from indecent exposure. So the cop could hit them with another charge if Kim didn't hold it in.

And now I need to bathe in ammonia. Defending Neil on anything makes me feel unclean.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 10th, 2014 06:25 pm (UTC)
Ah, fair enough. I don't think it's ever been a separate offence in the UK: you'd be done for indecent exposure or a public order offence, more likely the latter since indecent exposure is done with the intent to shock someone. (It's for flashers and the like: walking around naked is a public order offence. Not a lawyer - going off Wikipedia here.)
duster
Jul. 10th, 2014 08:49 pm (UTC)
I cannot imagine the cop as anyone but Javert from Les Miserables in douchebag aviator shades.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 10th, 2014 10:37 pm (UTC)
This is a glorious image.
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adriana_divolpe
Jul. 13th, 2014 02:05 am (UTC)
“That was fun,” Hermione remarked, as she and Harry returned to their stateroom. “The tropical forest was so beautiful.”

“I liked that we finally all got to do something together,” Harry added.


Neil's dialogue is SO bad that I mistook Hermione's first line there for sarcasm, assuming they'd just come from bailing the girls out of their situation with the cops.

This sounds like people who've just been on a first date and have NO idea what to say to each other, not people who are supposed to be married.

"Well. That was nice."
"Yes. Very nice."
"I had a lovely time."
"So did I."

Could he not have just summed up their forest excursion with a paragraph of narration instead of this badness? Oh, wait. I almost forgot what we were reading.

The first appearance of hyperempathy in Hogwarts Exposed had Hermione running around the castle de-nippled for however the hell long it was before Snape was able to grope her back to full health.

OH, now I remember what story we're reading. God, I keep forgetting about that. This story is hilarious.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 14th, 2014 12:05 pm (UTC)
He says that he relies on dialogue to tell the story. This isn't an inherently bad decision: that's what audio drama does to often excellent effect. However, in my opinion it's more suited to the spoken than the written word: given the choice between reading a description of a scene and reading a character talking about the scene, I'll choose the description unless (again!) the dialogue is truly amazing.
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sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 12:32 pm (UTC)
Just their luck to find the one evil cop on the island, as it was just their luck to get the Portkey that dumped them in the middle of a random rape gang. And what, does he think there's a fucking bomb in the rucksack or something?

You could always imagine the cop is Liam Neeson's character from Taken. I did, and it made the scene much funnier.
sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 12:33 pm (UTC)
“Silence!” he bellowed.




Missed an easy one there, dude.

Edited at 2014-07-14 12:35 pm (UTC)
szaleniec1000
Jul. 14th, 2014 12:36 pm (UTC)
Well played!
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sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 12:43 pm (UTC)
“If you give me your word not to lay a hand on her,” Emily said, “I’ll spread my legs and crouch as low as I possibly can, and I’ll let you touch me.”

This is what we've reached, everybody: A twelve year-old offering herself to be fingered.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_-SzVyXmRE&t=1m0s
sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 12:56 pm (UTC)
“Please Sir!” she begged. “I have to pee something awful. May I please relieve myself before we start the trip?”

Christ, is this girl 12 or 20!?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 14th, 2014 12:59 pm (UTC)
It's like she jumps between the two. "Please sir, I have to pee something awful!" = kid. "May I please relieve myself" = incredibly pompous adult.
sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 01:35 pm (UTC)
“Harry, do you think Ron would cheat on Sam? I mean, he cheated on me when I dated him, and he was pretty lascivious before he got sent to Azkaban.” Hermione asked tentatively.

I mean, it's not like prison has ever CHANGED anyone before!
szaleniec1000
Jul. 14th, 2014 01:52 pm (UTC)
Especially with HE!Azkaban retaining the Dementors. Does Ron ever have a flashback or a nightmare or anything like that in this story?
sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 02:11 pm (UTC)
Before she had a chance to try and squirm free or even speak, she lost control of her bladder.

sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 02:34 pm (UTC)
The first appearance of hyperempathy in Hogwarts Exposed had Hermione running around the castle de-nippled for however the hell long it was before Snape was able to grope her back to full health.

sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 02:54 pm (UTC)
Hang on a second. Aren't we jumping to conclusions a bit here? We're assuming that it actually was her based on one account from someone who didn't see her properly, we're assuming that she's stupid enough to use exactly the same method twice right down to using Frisbee-playing as a cover (okay, as a Hogwarts Exposed character, that might be a given) and we're assuming that Roz did it at Angel's request rather than interfering in her niece's life in exactly the way she's been established as doing. Maybe she's taking it upon herself to nobble the competition. Or maybe someone else is trying to frame her.

Let me guess: It turns out to be all one big misunderstanding later and Angel(yeah, way too subtle there, Neil!) didn't know about Roz's actions?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 14th, 2014 02:56 pm (UTC)
How did you guess? :D
sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 02:58 pm (UTC)
And the small matter of you being able to make sure that he forgets everything that's happened. And I can't take this confrontation between Harry and Hermione and the captain seriously when I picture the scene: the captain standing there all stern in his uniform and captain's hat, and Harry and Hermione standing before him completely starkers. It's like one of those nightmares.

Kinda like Too Exposed, in that regard, where Neil decided that filling the nudity quota trumped trying to set a serious mood for the scene where Jamie's death was announced?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 14th, 2014 03:10 pm (UTC)
The realisation that everyone's naked completely deflates a lot of the drama. I talk about it a bit next chapter.
sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 03:05 pm (UTC)
“You’re only twelve, but you already have a nice figure.

*sigh*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93gBDFPwgcA&t=32s
sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 03:55 pm (UTC)
Plot twist: they're the ones who crocked Monica.

Lemme guess: Roz put them up to it?
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sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 03:57 pm (UTC)
“I was just laying here looking at you, and I suddenly had the strongest urge to take you in my mouth and pleasure you here and now in full view of all these people.”

*sigh* This should be the subject of a Hogwarts Enraged.
sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 03:59 pm (UTC)
Yeah, they've had to wear swimsuits after their naked stunt. It was in the bit that I snipped for being too dull to spork.

Which is saying something, considering that a lot that you DO spork is ridiculously dull as well.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 14th, 2014 04:06 pm (UTC)
The droning tone of the dialogue and narrative really doesn't help.
sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 04:01 pm (UTC)
Come to think of it, where is Fleur in this fic?

I'm gonna headcanon that she was going to visit Harry and Hermione when they were on holiday in France, but then fled in terror when she saw the shite they were up to. I know I would...
szaleniec1000
Jul. 14th, 2014 04:05 pm (UTC)
Can't say I blame her.
sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 04:05 pm (UTC)
Oh, you foolish fools thinking you'd seen the last of Caitlin's breast angst.

At least it's not as bad as that stupid bint angsting about a lack of a censor bar on her breasts(which would have been put there, regardless of her cup size) when the Nude Holiday photos emerged that put Hermione's career in jeopardy!
sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 04:07 pm (UTC)
If you can just buy Polyjuice ingredients at a regular shop, why does everyone who uses Polyjuice in canon (the trio in Chamber of Secrets, then Crouch Jr in Goblet of Fire) have to raid Snape's private store?

To be fair to the Trio, they were at school and probably didn't have the ability to buy the ingredients, assuming they were purchasable.

However, there's no excuse for Crouch Jr. There's no way he would have raided Snape's private stores if there was an alternative to procuring ingredients. The dude was very dedicated to his mission, after all.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 14th, 2014 04:12 pm (UTC)
My guess is that the rarer ingredients from Snape's stores are legally restricted, expensive or both, and are distributed in very limited quantities to students only when they need them for a specific recipe. Like some of the more esoteric reagents in advanced practical chemistry in the real world.
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sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 04:46 pm (UTC)
I get that he's supposed to come over as regretful, but an exclamation mark with an adverb as strong as "desolately" gives this image of him throwing his head back and wailing like a man undone.

Well, it'd definitely fit Hogwarts Exposed, with its constant melodramatic and waterworks.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 15th, 2014 10:04 am (UTC)
It's not even very well-executed melodrama.
sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 04:48 pm (UTC)
Which we never actually saw while he was alive. Anyway, they do that and Jamie has to grab Ron's willy at one point because of course she does.


Yeah, because apparently this is a woman who can talk about her dad's dick and has probably seen it enough to be completely comfortable on the subject!

For fuck's sake, I'm 23 and that thought still creeps me the fuck out!
szaleniec1000
Jul. 15th, 2014 11:36 am (UTC)
If he's going around naked and getting boners in the presence of his kids, then he's obviously not suited to the whole "completely nonsexual" thing and probably needs to avoid contact with children. I'm surprised he was never reported, considering how much these characters gossip.
sickbritkid2
Jul. 14th, 2014 04:51 pm (UTC)
Bleh, we both know Jamie's insipid, nonsense filibuster at the end is just the author trying to distract us from the fact that he's very clearly been typing this entire series with one hand.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 15th, 2014 08:03 am (UTC)
That would explain the typos. Looking at how many of them get past four betas, I can only imagine what the original looked like.
katistrophe
Jul. 23rd, 2014 05:30 am (UTC)
...it says something about this story when my mind went bad places the moment handcuffs were mentioned.

“I’m not interested in hearing any excuses or pleading. Save your whining for the judge.
I have heard such protestations
Every day for twenty years
Let's have no more explanations
Save your breath and save your tears

...except that Javert probably would deal with the situation in a bit more Lawful way instead of compounding their crime. ...Pervert Javert is a BAD IMAGE.

“You people are just as bad as these brazen deviates! Go on about your business!”
Everyone about your business
Clear this garbage off the street!

...now watch the cop develop a grudge, one of the girls is suddenly Nudist Valjean, Emily becomes Nudist Enjolras and wants to start a nudist revolution... rather, don't. I'm sure there's a plain Les Mis fic along these lines somewhere.
(For Christ's sake, brain, stop retexting...
"You are a perv!"
"I took a naked hike!"
"You were on drugs!"
"The plot is just insane!"
)

Before she had a chance to try and squirm free or even speak, she lost control of her bladder.
Raise your hands if you didn't see that one coming!

I know Mum still has all her notes and everything from when she and Dad did it in their second year; I’ve seen them.
There are reasons why the Polyjuice Potion is not something you'd let students make. Potential for criminal misuse aside, it's probably very very easy to mess up, and very unpleasant if you do.

Ergh. Harry. NO. Is EVERYONE in this a pervert? ...Wait, it's Hogwarts Exposed.


Edited at 2014-07-23 01:22 pm (UTC)
sith_droideka
Jun. 7th, 2016 04:18 am (UTC)
No! Ron has given in! Poor Ron. At least he's not treated like complete trash, though. And Harry and Hermione actually brought him on vacation, even if he didn't really want to and arguably would be a little dangerous being, well, a werewolf.
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