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Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 6 part 2

If you thought their holiday had been eventful enough, you were wrong. This time, randy werewolves. And I'm not talking about Kim's one-time love interest.

When Kim entered the room, Harry gave her a big hug. “Those judges might have voted you second place,” he said, “but in my book, you’ll always be a number one.”
“Angel deserved first,” Kim said genuinely. “She’s studied and worked hard for years. It wouldn’t have been right if we had won after only a few days rehearsal.”

Lucky she just happened to overhear her and her aunt telling each other things they already knew, really.

“The three day phase of the full moon starts tomorrow evening,” Hermione replied, looking concernedly at Ron who was sitting quietly but very upset next to Sam. “We knew we were cutting it close when we booked the trip, but we never dreamed a hurricane would cause a twenty-four hour delay. We anticipated, even with the time differences between Fort Lauderdale and Hogsmeade, on being back at Hogwarts long before moon rise.”

Congrats. You've managed to beat ITWATN for meticulous planning.

“Couldn’t Professor Weasley just Apparate back to Hogwarts?” Kim asked.
“If only it were that simple,” Harry said with a sigh. “You will learn in your third year, when we study werewolves, that they are physically unable to Apparate.

Those times that Remus did it don't count. Where is he in this fic, anyway? He and his unnamed wife - this being before Tonks was badly retconned into Hogwarts Exposed - were invited to Harry and Hermione's wedding but didn't show up. And speaking of Remus, it's implied that werewolves aren't normally part of the third-year curriculum and that Snape added them in the hope of getting the class to recognise him as one. Anyway, the author lifted "werewolves can't Apparate" directly from Psychic Serpent along with werewolf!Ron and (surprisingly) didn't retcon it when Order of the Phoenix came out.

Even if he possessed that skill, Apparition becomes more difficult as distance increases. Only highly trained wizards would ever try intercontinental Apparating.”
“You’ve made a Portkey before,” Caitlin suggested. “Couldn’t you do that again? Use the Portus spell now to make a Portkey and return him to Hogwarts.”

I can't wait to see what excuse the author comes up with now.

“As with Apparition, the making of a Portkey becomes progressively more difficult the greater the distance involved,” Harry explained. “You must know where you are and where you desire to end up. The destination is easy: Hogwarts. The problem is I don’t know exactly where we are at the moment. Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean between the Caribbean Islands and Fort Lauderdale, Florida is too indistinct. Taking into consideration my relationship with the captain, I doubt he’d be forthcoming with our precise longitude and latitude. ”

Asking the captain is apparently the only way of finding out your longitude and latitude. These people studied Astronomy at Hogwarts, and Hermione at least was (as with all her subjects but Divination) no slouch: they could use the positions of the sun and stars to pinpoint their location. Failing that, they could ask around to see whether one of the thousand other passengers on the ship owned a GPS receiver. Or try and sweet-talk one of the other crew. And that's just off the top of my head.

“Then this meeting isn’t about how we are going to get Professor Weasley off the ship and cover up for his absence,” Jamie said, nervously looking about the room. “He can’t get off. He’s going to transform tomorrow night on a ship with nearly a thousand passengers.”
“First, everybody should relax,” Hermione said calmly. “The situation isn’t nearly as calamitous as it seems. Wolfsbane Potion, although it can’t cure Lycanthropy, does prevent the extremely dangerous dementia that accompanies the transformation from human into werewolf. We simply have to secure Ron in a room tomorrow night; Harry and I will stay with him until sunrise. Thanks to the potion, he normally just curls up and sleeps after the transformation.”

She's taking a cue from Rosalind and Angel when it comes to telling people things they already know.

Everyone seemed to glance towards Ron as if asking for conformation, but he just sat with his face buried in his hands shaking his head no.

As opposed to... oh, forget it.

“Ron, why are you saying no?” Harry questioned. “I know Headmaster Snape brewed an ample supply of potion for you. You have been taking it, haven’t you?”
“That’s the problem,” Ron said tensely. “The trip, the stress, the constant nudity made it necessary for me to take extra potion in order to maintain control over my sexual desires.”

Well, there's an off-label use of the Wolfsbane Potion that wasn't in the books. Why didn't he just get someone to cast the Floppify curse on him?

“How much is remaining?” Harry asked concernedly.
“I took the last of it tonight before the show,” Ron said, his voice trembling. “I’m going to be a hideous, uncontrollable monster tomorrow night.

He's turning into the plot of Hogwarts Exposed.

What if I bite someone, or worse, kill him or her? What if it’s one of you?”

Well, it won't matter if it's anyone else. That feeling of a living world that we get from the Harry Potter books and the better class of fanfic is missing here: the nonexistent descriptions and supporting characters who are even flatter than the main cast give the impression that all this is taking place against a cardboard backdrop with a few stick figures sketched onto it.

Day Eleven, Thursday, August 18, 2005, Still at Sea
“Why weren’t the Weasley’s at either breakfast or lunch,” Kim inquired.
Jamie studied the younger girls momentarily before answering. “I think that the three of you are old enough that you should know the entire truth,” she said.
Kim, Emily and Caitlin exchanged questioning glances.
“Most people are unaware of the full effects of Lycanthropy on a person,” Jamie explained. “Nearly everyone knows that the bearer of the syndrome transforms into a wolf on the three nights of the full moon, but few appreciate or care that this is only one aspect of the sickness. During the day prior to the full moon, a werewolf goes through a period of heightened sexual desire.”

Classic Deus Sex Machina, and in fact the Potterfic werewolf thing is on that page already. And yeah, just talk to the kids about their teacher's sexual hyperactivity. It's not like it's going to undermine his authority when it inevitably gets spread around the school (probably by Emily) after all.

Emily giggled.

"Tee-hee-hee, there's going to be a werewolf loose on the ship!"

“Do you mean to say that they get extra horny?” she asked.
Jamie nodded her head yes,

I hate this fic.

but the expression on her face was somber, not one of amusement. “We’re not talking sexually stimulated as in the case of a hormonal teenage boy,” she said severely. “Wolfsbane Potion will keep the desires in check, but without the potion, a werewolf is practically crazy with lust.”
“Professor Weasley would attack one of us?” Kim asked incredulously.
“Mentally he would fight it with all his strength, but eventually his creature instincts could win out if you got too close,” Jamie warned.

It's another Psychic Serpent thing.

“Is that why Timmy is spending the day with Bonnie and Jim? But what about Sam?” Emily asked. “She’s been alone with him all morning.” Then she deduced the answer to her own question. “Sam is trying to satisfy his needs?”

Firstly, it's none of your business. Secondly, what kind of twelve-year-old says "satisfy his needs"?

“Over and over again,” Jamie answered, “and it’s not a loving, reciprocally satisfying sex. It is one-way and at times extremely rough. He nearly killed one of his fellow students during his seventh year when she was stupid enough to seduce him at that time and knew about this part of the lycanthropy. She was an ex-girlfriend desperately trying to win him back from Hermione when she and Professor Weasley were dating.”

This is yet another Psychic Serpent reference, this time to Parvati (who I think has actually been spared appearing in Hogwarts Exposed) in the third fic. Why are we talking about Ron's sex life, anyway?

“So it is almost like being raped?” Caitlin said, horror stricken.

A thoughtful exploration of the consent issues behind magically-inflicted hypersexuality would have too much to expect from Hogwarts Exposed, but they're nowhere near that clear-cut: what if he's genuinely not in control of his faculties and she takes advantage of that? Also, it's probably not in the best of taste to give this remark to Caitlin, considering her own backstory.

“Probably very similar,” Jamie retorted, “but with one huge difference. Sam loves Ron. Actually, there is a second difference as well. Sam takes a potion that keeps her from getting badly damaged physically, but I understand that she is still pretty sore afterwards.”

Wouldn't giving him a sleeping draught have been a better idea?

“Look! There’s Angel!” Kim said elatedly, happy for the opportunity to change the subject.

At last, a voice of reason.

“Is she ready? Harry asked, as he and Hermione tried fruitlessly to relax in the sun.
“Oh Harry! She is and she isn’t. I’m nervous about her sleeping,” Hermione answered apprehensively. “It is one thing to transform and hold you Animagus form for hours when you’re awake, but you know how problematic it can be while asleep.”

The idea of Sam becoming an Animagus to help Ron with his lycanthropy came up in the first fic, and nothing has been seen of it since. At no point are we shown her learning the charm or discovering her Animagus form.

“Yes,” he agreed. “The first night you spent with Ron and me, I was extremely concerned. I think I spent the whole night awake watching you. Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are to watch when you’re asleep?”
“When I’m a wolf?” she asked skeptically. “Did I ever tell you how much I love you?”
“Not in the last hour,” Harry answered.

I don't see Harry or Hermione as the kind of people who'd be all cutesy and fluffy in a relationship, whether with each other or anyone else. It's probably connected with the general trouble this author has with modulating characters' emotional reactions, so everyone has to be over the top with everything.

”What about Jamie?”
“No, it’s best she stays with Timmy and the girls. By the way, don’t forget to leave her plenty of breast milk for Ben. She’ll have at least three feedings.”
“It’s good that you reminded me,” Hermione said. “Jamie and I tried to get Ben to drink Muggle canned baby formula the other day and it was a debacle. He just spit it out. It seems your son prefers breast milk.”

Shades of Deserving here. The babies there were unable to subsist on formula, to the point of dying for the sake of angst, and the actual breastfeeding was rather creepily fetishised.

“That or he just prefers suckling on your breasts,” Harry joked. “Already my son has developed excellent taste. He’ll spend his entire existence searching for a girl with a figure as magnificent as his mother’s.”

Much like this, in fact.

“I thought you married me for my brains and personality?” Hermione said, pretending to show displeasure.

More fool him then: HE!Hermione has neither.

“I did,” Harry answered innocently. “It’s not my fault they came so artistically gift wrapped.”

“What did Michelle and Lloyd say,” Jamie asked as she came running up to them.
“They agreed, once I assured them that it would be no problem to restore the room to flawless condition,” Hermione answered.

“I don’t understand. Why do you need their room?” Jamie asked.
“Truthfully, I wish we had access to a food locker or some lower level storage area,” Harry admitted. “Unfortunately the plans of the ship that are available to the public don’t show any of those areas.

Can't he scout out the ship under the Invisibility Cloak?

Plus we need a place that no one is going to enter.”

"And I've never heard of Muggle-repelling charms!"

“But what makes their quarters any better than yours,” Jamie inquired. “You have the Weasley’s on one side and us on the other.”
“And a lot of traffic using the corridor outside,” Harry added.

That makes the image from the last update even better: Harry and Hermione charging naked through the corridors screaming, with Yakety Sax playing in the background, and several rather startled people watching also naked.

“All the soundproofing spells in the world are meaningless if someone walks by and sees a bulge suddenly appear on the bulkhead. Michelle and Lloyd are near the stern of the ship where there is little traffic and a number of unoccupied staterooms surround their cabin.”
Jamie stared at Harry and Hermione, a horrified expression etched on her face. “What do you expect to happen in the room that would cause the bulkhead to move?”
“A vicious animal fight, with bodies more than likely being thrown against the walls and doors,” Harry said, not even trying to soften the blow.

If werewolves are in the third-year curriculum, then Jamie should already know all this: she's just about to start her seventh year, and at the end of her fifth got what were supposed to be very good Q.W.L.s. however wonky the author's arithmetic was.

“The sooner we are able to pin Ron, the less damage and chance of someone being hurt. That is why Sam is joining us. Theoretically, a werewolf should be no match for a Griffin, a panther and a gray wolf, but werewolves are extraordinarily strong.”

What is it with fanfic and Animagi, anyway? The ones we see in canon are a deer, a dog, a rat, a housecat and a beetle, but in fanfic they're always magical creatures or the most impressive ordinary animals they can think of. Jamie's Animagus form is a unicorn, if you recall, and that's going to become relevant again very soon. (Though I do wonder how being a unicorn Animagus is affected by what Jamie did with Alex in Chapter 22 of Too Exposed.) Anyway, Brian and Kim are saying their goodbyes.

Brian led Kim to an empty table, still within view of the others, but out of earshot.
“It’s times like this that I wish I had a pair of extendable ears,” Emily said carelessly to Caitlin.
“A pair of what?” Jeff questioned.
“Extendable ears,” Caitlin said, trying to cover for Emily. “You know, she wishes her ears could reach to that table so she could hear what they were saying.”

Of all the wizarding things she could have let slip, it's something that's self-explanatory enough that it probably wouldn't cause any suspicion at all. If I said to someone who knew nothing about Harry Potter that I wished I had some extendable ears to listen in on a conversation, then they'd understand and probably not even realise I was making a Harry Potter reference at all.

Kim and Brian sat silently for a few moments as Brian endeavored to control his jumpiness.
“You were great last night,” he finally said. “Not only did you sing and dance first-rate, but you looked awesome. I wish we didn’t have to say good-bye. It stinks that we live an ocean a part.”
Kim sighed inwardly. She liked Brian, but more than a mere ocean separated them. They lived into two different worlds. This was a summer romance and realistically could never be anything more.

The author couldn't be telegraphing his eventual reappearance any harder.

“I’ve enjoyed spending time with you,” Kim said honestly. “It would be great if you and your parents….” Kim was about to say vacationed in Cap d’Adge, but realized that even if the Potters returned there next year, there was no assurance that she would be invited to join them. “The odds are against us ever seeing each other again.”

And I bet we'll never see him again!

“I hope that isn’t the case,” Brian said sadly, “but if in fact it is, I was wondering if I could kiss you good bye. Not a kiss on the check, but a real kiss.”
“You mean on the lips,” Kim said tensely, “with tongues involved. I’ve never kissed anyone like that.”
“Neither have I,” Brian replied, looking fondly into Kim eyes. “I’d like you to be my first. I’ve heard that people never forget their first kiss. I know I’ll never forget you.”
All of a sudden Kim became conscious that her eyes were watering. “Here with them watching?” Kim said, her palms suddenly sweaty.
“That’s up to you,” he said. “I’m not afraid to show the world that I like you.”
“After last night, I doubt I’ll ever be embarrassed about anything ever again,” Kim said getting to her feet. “Are we going to do this like adults; I mean hold each other tight in each other’s arms.”
“That’s the way it was in my dream last night,” Brian said, heaving a sigh.

I hope there's a change of sheets in his cabin. Anyway, they snog and we cut to later on.

Jamie had barely closed the door to the previously unoccupied room, when Sam and Ron turned the corner. Sam looked totally exhausted while Ron was sweating profusely He had a strange perverted expression on his face as he looked up and down at Harry’s body.

No change there then.

“My god, Sam. Are you all right?” Hermione asked upon seeing her bedraggled best friend.
“I’ll be raw for awhile,” Sam moaned. “I’m actually glad moon rise is near. I don’t think I could have gone another time.”
Hermione wanted to ask, but felt it was too personal and actually none of her business.

That doesn't usually stop anyone in this fic.

Sam, however, caught the questioned look in Hermione eye. “I lost count,” she said looking pained. “It was either thirty-three or thirty-four.”

In a row?

As soon as Ron, Harry and Sam entered the room, Hermione signaled Jamie and then hurried inside herself. The door had scarcely closed when Jamie began applying every locking charm in her extensive repertoire.

But no Muggle-repelling charms, even though they'd be an obvious addition to the security when trying to take care of a werewolf in a Muggle area, because her repertoire apparently isn't that extensive.

She was now a wolf, but Ron still glared at her lustfully.

But you screw one wolf...

She had never been in this situation when Ron had not had his potion. Then it happened. Ron howled in pain as if he had been mortally wounded. The griffin, the panther and the wolf all watched, the panther with tears in its eyes.

Because simply being in animal form doesn't make her any less of a Hogwarts Exposed character. Surely, considering this is why she became an Animagus in the first place, she's seen him transform before? It really doesn't help a tearful panther sounds like the kind of thing you'd see in a "save the rainforest" advert.

Jamie had just removed the last of the locking charms when she heard the voices approaching.
“I’m not sure what’s going on Sir, but something is most certainly not right. The one room is supposed to be unoccupied and they been sort of standing guard outside the other all night.”

So apparently this is the morning after: nothing happened anywhere once wolf!Ron was subdued.

“I’ll handle it from here on,” the Captain said as he approached Jamie. “You can get back to your duties.”
“Are you sure Sir?”
“Do I look incompetent to you,” roared the Captain. “I think I’m quite capable of dealing with any circumstances.” That said, the steward turned and hurried off.

The captain is kind of a dick.

“Hem, hem. Now exactly what is going on here young lady?” the Captain asked.

I like how the captain, who's barely a character, is the only character in Hogwarts Exposed who has anything truly distinctive in his manner of speech. And it's a vocal tic borrowed from Umbridge, of all people. (I'm surprised the author didn't bring Umbridge in on the strawman nudist-bashing side.)

“Nothing! Nothing at all Sir! I was just about to knock and wake them,” Jamie said uneasily.
“Fine,” said the Captain smugly. “If that’s genuinely the case, then allow me to invite you all to join me for breakfast.”
“Thank you, but I think we were going to skip breakfast this morning. We have to hurry to make our connections”
“Nonsense, I won’t take no for an answer,” he barked. “Besides, it will be another two hours before you’re able to disembark.” Without further discussion or knocking, he threw open the door and ambled inside.

And there were people shagging. There weren't, but it's the kind of thing I'd have expected from Hogwarts Exposed.

The scene that he was confronted with made him come to an immediate halt. The room was literally destroyed, but that wasn’t what made him stop.

What made him stop was wondering how it could have been metaphorically destroyed.

“What in the name of all that is holy,” he cried, turning with the intention to scurry from the room.
Jamie pulled her wand from its invisible thigh sheath.
“Petrificus Totalus!” she cried, pointing it at the Captain.
His arm’s snapped to his sides as his legs sprang together. His rigid body swayed momentarily before falling to the floor, stiff as a board and flat on his back.
Only his eyes could move, looking up at her in horror, as Jamie stepped over him and hurried to wake the others.
“We’ve had a glitch,” Jamie said, as Harry opened his eyes. “One of the stewards became suspicious and brought the Captain to investigate, just as I was removing the locking charms.”

I like how she points out the coincidence.

“I hate performing a memory charm on a human being, but I’m afraid there is no choice,” Hermione said reluctantly.

It'd have been nice to have established Hermione's reluctance to use Memory Charms (amusing in light of Deathly Hallows, to be sure) before we were going "why the hell doesn't she just use a Memory Charm here?" like a broken record.

“Lets get this place back in order first,” Harry suggested, just as the children entered the room followed by Michelle and Lloyd.
“Good lord!” Michelle cried as she first surveyed the damage to the room, then the condition of her friends and finally the petrified Captain. “It looks like you people had an extremely rough night.”
“Why is everyone down here,” Bonnie asked, and then froze. “What the hell is going on here?”

And where the hell did she suddenly appear from? This is Michelle and Lloyd's quarters, and although they apparently know Bonnie, they're not friends. And it's not a very well-trafficked portion of the ship, which is precisely why they chose it for their adventures in werewolf containment in the first place.

“Lynn’s mommy said a bad word,” Timmy whispered to Kim.

No she didn't, and this might just be the most pointless line of dialogue I've ever seen. Also, I thought Timmy was saying "mummy" now - he's been living in the UK over half his life at this point.

“What is going on!?” Bonnie screamed. “Look at this room, you’re all bloody, the Captain is… I’m going to go get…”
“Petrificus Totalus!” Jamie once again cried, this time pointing the wand at Bonnie.

This is the same Jamie who seemed to think, contrary to all logic, that it'd have been impossible for Harry and Hermione to magic the kids out of jail last chapter. So they explain to Bonnie what's going on, and Hermione deals with the captain.

Hermione pointed her wand at the Captain and concentrated on the exact memories she wanted to eradicate.
“Obliviate,” she said, and then quickly dashed away with Harry. The Captain fleetingly collapsed in Jamie’s arms.
“I’m sorry miss,” he said, both confused and flustered at having collapsed against her, however, he recovered his composure quickly. “Now then let’s check out this room.” Without further discussion or knocking, he threw open the door and ambled inside.
The room was in pristine condition, but much to the Captain’s shock, Michelle and Lloyd were standing kissing in the middle of it with Lloyd fondling Michelle’s breasts..
“What is the meaning of this outrage!” Lloyd yelled in a fake rage.

I kind-of sort-of called it, didn't I?

“I’m sorry,” said the Captain, both embarrassed and aggravated. “One of my underlings led me to believe that something was amiss in this stateroom. Obviously, he was quite mistaken. Please accept my most humble apology. Can I possibly make it up to you? Perhaps you would join me for breakfast?”

Why did they have to pretend to be shagging in order to convince the captain that he'd got the wrong room? In fact, since they're doing sexual things in order to make the poor guy uncomfortable, isn't that basically sexual harassment?

“Then we’re ready to disembark as soon as we dock,” he said, “with the exception of…” Bonnie cut Harry off mid-sentence.
“Except for me,” Bonnie finished for him. “Is that what you’re going to do to me, the same thing that you did to the Captain? Are you going to modify my memory so that I forget you all?”
“A memory modification is doubtlessly the wisest option,” Harry said. “You won’t forget any of us or anything that has occurred on the cruise with the exception of the time span since you walked into that room this morning.”
“Okay,” Bonnie said, her eyes tearful. “Let’s get it over with then if you feel you can’t trust me.”
“Harry! Must we?” Sam asked. “I trust her and so does Ronnie.” Ron nodded his head in accord, even as he once again started to stare lustfully around the room at everyone.

Ron (or "Ronnie", which Sam doesn't use consistently) is basically the author in this scene.

“You and Hermione didn’t alter Michelle’s memory, in fact you even allowed her to tell her husband about us.”
“It was different with Michelle,” Hermione argued. “She figured out on her own that we were different, partly based on things that happen last year. It would have been impossible, after all this time, to go back and modify those memories without causing irreparable damage. Besides Michele is a reputable person who…”
“Now the truth comes out!” Bonnie shouted, interrupting Hermione.

No shit, Sherlock.

“Michelle can be trusted and keep her memory because she is a nurse and therefore automatically considered reputable, but because Bonnie is an exotic dancer, she is not trustworthy. Are all witches bigoted or just you?
Hermione was staggered; in her entire life, no one had ever accused her of being prejudice in anyway until this moment. What actually upset Hermione most was that Bonnie was correct on this issue.

I'm all for HE!Hermione actually having some kind of character flaw: the whole "I'm too nice to do memory charms" doesn't count, and besides, nobody could ever accuse Hermione Granger of being "too nice" for anything. However, I don't think classism of all things fits.

“Mum. Kim, Emily and I have spent the last few days rehearsing with Bonnie,” Caitlin said. “I don’t think she would ever say or do anything that would place any on us in jeopardy.”

It must be wonderful for her listening to everyone talking about whether she should retain her memory.

“I like her” Jamie declared. “It certainly isn’t scientific, but my instinct about people has never failed me yet.”

What does a pure-blood witch know about the scientific method? This isn't Methods of Rationality.

Harry and Hermione exchanged meaningful looks. “We’ll go along with the general consensus,” Harry said. “There will be no modifying of Bonnie’s memory.”
Bonnie smiled in relief.

I don't know if anyone here listens to Potterfic Weekly, but if you do then you'll know why the combination of a significant glance "meaningful look" and then deciding not to Obliviate someone cracked me up so much.

“Bonnie, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry,” Hermione said, bashfully walking over to the young woman. “I’ve spent my life fighting for equal rights for all magical creatures and now… I’m so sorry and feel very ashamed.”

Hermione admits that she went OOC for the sake of a few paragraphs of cheap conflict. Not that we've ever seen her spending her life fighting for equal rights in this fic, or indeed doing anything other than prancing around naked and fawning over Harry. It's only at the beginning of this chapter that she even remembered about house-elves. We never even see her doing her job, whether as a teacher, as the Deputy Headmaster (sic) she was promoted to over the heads of far more experienced staff, or as the head of pastoral care. I'd particularly like to see that last, because I have to wonder about the judgement of anyone who makes Hermione the head of pastoral care. HE!Snape is probably too busy with his former students to care whether his staff appointments make sense.

“Will the Portkey take us directly to Hogwarts?” Jamie inquired.
“No, it is programmed to take us all to Diagon Alley,” Harry advised. “From there Sam and Ron will floo to Hogsmeade where Professor Snape and Madam Pomfrey will be meeting them with additional Wolfsbane Potion.

How do they know already that Ron doesn't have any potion left? Those must be bloody fast owls to have got from the Caribbean to Hogwarts and back in 24 hours, not to mention that they can't receive owls on the ship.

They will then return to Hogwarts. The rest of us will see Kim safely home and then return to Diagon Alley to finish your school shopping for the coming year,” Harry continued. “Then we’ll floo to Hogsmeade and finally take a coach to Hogwarts. Timmy will be remaining with us and spend the night at the castle with you girls. Hermione and I will be joining Sam with Ron in the dungeon.”
“Timmy doesn’t want to sleep with the girls,” the toddler wailed. “I want to sleep in my own beddie.”

Timmy's depiction is anything but consistent. Sometimes he knows how to use the first person and sometimes not. Sometimes he uses babytalk or can't pronounce words properly, and sometimes not, and it's never even consistent as to which sounds he has trouble with. Sometimes he can use full sentences, and sometimes not. Sometimes he understands complex ideas, and... you get the picture. The result looks like four going on anywhere from two to twelve depending on the author's whim. It just makes him even creepier.

“If it’s okay, we could spend the night in the Weasley’s apartment,” Jamie suggested. “I could transfigure us some sleeping bags and order pizza.

From where, the Domino's next door to the Three Broomsticks?

Once the warehouse isolated them from public view, Harry preformed a reducing spell on their luggage, and then they all stuck a few pieces in their pockets. Despite the size of the group, Hermione insisted on using only one Portkey for the return trip, not wanting to chance a reoccurrence of their previous debacle.

Because Diagon Alley is known for its roving bands of rapists.

It was near sunset when Harry, Hermione and their family arrived in Hogsmeade.

So probably about four o'clock in the afternoon.

After giving Jamie some final instructions and exchanging kisses all around, Harry and Hermione hurried to catch a coach for the castle as the others headed for Ron and Sam’s apartment.
When Harry and Hermione reached the dungeon, the Headmaster was waiting for them along with Sam and Ron, the latter fast asleep in the corner of a cell.
“Sam tells me that your holiday was not without incident,” Severus said with a smile.
“Let’s just say it’s good to be home,” Harry said shaking the Headmaster’s hand.
Hermione didn’t speak at first, but instead threw her arms around the Headmaster and kissed him firmly on the cheek.
Snape blushed slightly before regaining his composure. “You should go on holiday more often, if I can always expect such a greeting on your return,” he said.

Considering HE!Snape's track record, you need to be careful there.

“I missed you,” Hermione said, giving the Snape her most vibrant smile.

That's not a typo: it's "the Snape" because it's a different Snape from the one we know. That's why Hermione is so delighted to see him.

“Things couldn’t be better,” he said interrupting Hermione. “The rising of the moon is nearing, perhaps you should all get settled. Professor Weasley most likely will sleep right through his transformation tonight. It seems that the combination of Wolfsbane Potion and the Muggle medicine that he was given have the affect of an extremely strong sleeping draft. It would not surprise me if he didn’t wake until morning.”

I did mention the idea of giving him a sleeping draught last night, but did anyone listen?

“Does that imply that we can remain in our human form tonight?” Sam asked pleasantly.
“Never!” Snape yelled, unnecessarily coarsely.

Now that's a bit more like the Snape we know.

“It must be wonderful to be able to contact your daughter whenever you want, no owl, no fireplace, just your thoughts to hers,” Sam said, with a sigh as she and Harry watched Hermione.
“Yes, the bond those two have seems to only get stronger with time,” Harry said. “The way they can communicate is amazing, although not completely without problems.”

For instance, she can't tell when she's being abducted by an evil cop.

Sam looked at Harry questioningly as if awaiting further clarification.
“Although the link continually gets stronger, distance is still a limitation,” he explained. “Plus they can’t make contact when Hermione is in her Animagus form, she really hates that; especially on a night like tonight. Then there is glass.”
“Glass?” Sam questioned.
“It’s weird,” Harry expounded. “Hermione and Caitlin discovered it a few weeks ago when shopping, and Hermione can’t figure out a rationalization for it. Their thoughts will travel through brick or stonewalls, but place a plate glass window between them and the thoughts are blocked.”

This is one of those arbitrary limitations that doesn't make sense. There's usually a logical reason for any kind of limit on a superpower. X-ray vision, for instance, doesn't go through lead because actual X-rays don't, and lots of telepathic powers are also blocked by lead by analogy to radiation. But telepathy that can't go through glass doesn't make any sense, and seems only to exist for the sake of a contrived situation later on. This conversation doesn't feel natural, more like expospeak. For extra WTF, glass and stone are essentially the same substance.

“Mum and Dad send their love,” Caitlin shared as she came out of her reverie. “The four of them will be here first thing in the morning to help with the moving.”
Caitlin scanned Timmy who looked extremely grubby. “Your Mum sent her love and asked me to give you a good night kiss, but no way am I going to kiss that face unless you wash it first.”
“No kisses,” yelled Timmy. “I don’t want any girl cooties.”

Where the hell has a four-year-old who's been raised in the wizarding world with barely any contact with other children picked up the concept of "cooties", girl or otherwise?

“Isn’t it amazing how boys and girls change their attitude about kissing,” Emily observed. “Kim and Brian certainly didn’t seem concerned about cooties yesterday.”

It was "the lurgies" when I was at primary school, and wasn't necessarily linked to boys versus girls: you tagged someone, said "you've got the lurgies" and then they had to get rid of them by passing them to someone else. I used to work as a teaching assistant in a primary school, and it's still much the same.

“I think those two might have become an item under different circumstances,” Jamie remarked, entering the room with a sleeping Ben in her arms.
“Summer romances stink!” Caitlin said. “You hit it off with someone and next thing you know, you’re thousands of miles apart. Kim and Brian in all probability will never see each other again.”

Thus speaks the voice of great experience.

“Have you heard from Amanda recently,” Caitlin asked as she settled next to Timmy and started to color in a coloring book with him. “How is Bradley doing?”
“She owled me just before we departed on vacation,” Jamie answered. “She says Bradley is becoming a little butterball. She and her parents have been arguing about school. Amanda isn’t sure she wants to return. She’s afraid Brad will forget her by the time Christmas holiday rolls around.” Jamie gave Ben a kiss on the forehead. “I know I couldn’t stomach not seeing this little guy for four months.”

Surely Hogwarts has a crèche, or failing that they could leave him with whoever's meant to be looking after Ben when Harry and Hermione are back at work. Which will probably be Harry and Hermione, with how little actual work they seem to do considering that they're supposed to be teachers.

Suddenly there was a loud pop, followed without delay by two additional pops. Three extremely unwelcome guests had just Apparated into the room.

Pop, pop, pop went the three little elves as they popped into the room.


( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 19th, 2014 11:51 pm (UTC)
So much for 'nudism isn't about sex' - Neil's work constantly inserts sex and nudity into things which don't have anything to do with sex in JK Rowling's canon.

I'm continuing to enjoy this sporking immensely! Hogwarts Exposed is so absolutely awful it's wonderful to watch someone brave enough to plumb its (naked) depths of Lovecraftian horror.
Jul. 20th, 2014 12:43 pm (UTC)
If he wanted to do "nudism isn't about sex", he'd have been better suited with a PG-rated fic that had no more sexual content than canon but where the characters just happened to be nudists.
Jul. 20th, 2014 02:28 am (UTC)
Oh goody. This chapter. Ya know, I completely forgot about the full moon crisis with Ron because it was overshadowed by the non-stop "Ron thinks nudism is weird" chatter. You don't have a cliffhanger than can mean two things.

What if I bite someone, or worse, kill him or her? What if it’s one of you?”
Then you'll be doing the audience a favor.

During the day prior to the full moon, a werewolf goes through a period of heightened sexual desire.”
Y'know, if nudity isn't about sex and there's nothing sexual about this whole thing, why does Neil A; talk about how totes nonsexual this is then fixate on breasts in the same paragraph at times, and B; shoehorn in sex where it's not needed? Snape's healing boob honking, the nipple eating, Roz's stupid cunnilingus bet, THE SEX SCENE THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED, God knows how many unintentional flasher scenes, the inordinate amount of erections (That's another one to ctrl+f) like are all these really necessary? If anything it detracts from the "nudity isn't sexual" preachiness. Actually with this setting it's almost idiotproof to demonize sexuality to the point I"m astounded he missed the mark so much.

Also, wasn't the horny werewolf thing also jacked from Psychic Serpent?

What is it with fanfic and Animagi, anyway? The ones we see in canon are a deer, a dog, a rat, a housecat and a beetle, but in fanfic they're always magical creatures or the most impressive ordinary animals they can think of.
Isn't it an incredibly difficult spell? I mean logic would dictate the bigger and stronger the animal, the harder it is to take its shape and the more experience you need. Hell, Dungeons and Dragons follows these rules.

Sam, however, caught the questioned look in Hermione eye. “I lost count,” she said looking pained. “It was either thirty-three or thirty-four.”

In a row?

D: That is all
Jul. 20th, 2014 01:44 pm (UTC)
I get the impression that he learned the term "stiffy" (a juvenile term for an erection, usually associated with teenage boys - I think they use it on The Inbetweeners) during the writing: zero hits in Exposed, zero in Too Exposed, sixteen and one of "stiffies" in Overexposed.
Jul. 22nd, 2014 01:58 am (UTC)
"Stiffy" just makes me think of Beavis and Butt-Head every time Neil uses it. Uh-huh-huh-huh.
Jul. 22nd, 2014 08:58 am (UTC)
I see what you mean.
Jul. 21st, 2014 11:30 pm (UTC)
It only just hit me now, but the gratuitous swearing reminds me alarmingly of HG-131. He seemed to curse up a storm either to come across as "serious" or "edgy" or somehow hoping that it would shock us enough to distract us from our arguments against him (ah, if only he knew of the cluster f-bombs of das_sporking!) Either way, it only strenghens the argument that he and Neil were the same person.

"She and her parents have been arguing about school. Amanda isn’t sure she wants to return. She’s afraid Brad will forget her by the time Christmas holiday rolls around."

You know, somehow, out of everything that's been going on lately, THIS is the part that pisses me off. Neil spent so much of the last fic getting on his high horse via Hermione about how those damned prudes are stifling the youth by not letting them have sex and not teaching them Sex Ed and not letting pregnant students continue their education. And now we find out that for all Hermione's crusading, Amanda's just not coming back because she thinks her infant will somehow forget her in the months she's at Hogwars. You know, even though she'll be home for the winter and summer breaks. She doesn't have any of the other reasons a teenager would have to drop out of school - she doesn't need to get a job or stay home to look after the kid since her parents are helping. She could be continuing her education and, you know, PROVING Balla Buster (Christ) wrong about pregnant teenagers and setting up to give her child a better future, and she's just throwing that away.

So basically, it looks like the only thing Hermione really pushed through was them having Sex Ed, because Neil wants an excuse to talk about sex some more. Of course.

Also, a happy belated birthday to szaleniac! :D
Jul. 22nd, 2014 08:55 am (UTC)
It contrasts rather sharply with the strangely over-formal tone of the rest of the dialogue. It's like we're going from "I say, old chap" to "fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck!" with no apparent explanation. One of my reviews on WHMLP seemed to suggest that all the effing and jeffing was necessary for "Harry Potter for adults", then I look at the fics I consider the best examples of "Harry Potter for adults" and there are hardly if any uses of "fuck". I honestly can see Harry, Ron or Draco (but not Hermione) dropping an F-bomb under extreme stress, but not using it as punctuation. And, well, you can tell from my own reviews that I'm no prude when it comes to language. I'm Northern English, and we rarely are. :D

She does end up returning to school, so it's one of those false conflicts that has only one logical solution but we're still meant to be worried about.

Jul. 23rd, 2014 09:22 am (UTC)
“Already my son has developed excellent taste. He’ll spend his entire existence searching for a girl with a figure as magnificent as his mother’s.
EUGH. Thank you, Harry.

... I keep forgetting how old they're supposed to be - I think my brain is using that as a defense mechanism.

Those must be bloody fast owls to have got from the Caribbean to Hogwarts and back in 24 hours, not to mention that they can't receive owls on the ship.
What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen barn owl?

(...I do write - pretty much privately, for the eyes of exactly one person for now - a kid who gets a little inconsistent with his pronunciation, but he's older, and I do try to have some rules: the more scared or tired he gets, the more he mumbles; when he thinks he needs to take charge or something he takes extra care to pronounce things correctly. ...How horrible am I?)
Jul. 23rd, 2014 11:16 am (UTC)
That makes sense. This author just varies it at random.
Jul. 23rd, 2014 01:05 pm (UTC)
Good to hear that it does - I always worry horribly about how to write children. I have pretty few references - not too big of an age difference between my sister, no contact with kids after being done with school, and if I went off what I remember from my childhood I'd be writing one borderline-Creepy Child with a bad case of Spock Speak after another, and there's only so much I can do with writing guides, unfortunately.

Edited at 2014-07-23 01:06 pm (UTC)
Jul. 25th, 2014 06:01 pm (UTC)
What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen barn owl?

Which one do you mean, old man: African or European?
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:16 am (UTC)
“You will learn in your third year, when we study werewolves, that they are physically unable to Apparate.

Did Neil basically invent some random rule that werewolves, despite still being magical creatures as well as humans, are somehow unable to use a magic as basic as Apparition for the sake of cheap drama?!

Anyway, the author lifted "werewolves can't Apparate" directly from Psychic Serpent along with werewolf!Ron and (surprisingly) didn't retcon it when Order of the Phoenix came out.

Ah, nvm. So where the fuck did THAT assumption come from, then?

Edited at 2014-07-25 09:17 am (UTC)
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:20 am (UTC)
Why didn't he just get someone to cast the Floppify curse on him?

Don't give Neil anymore fucking ideas, szaleniec!
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:21 am (UTC)
Well, it won't matter if it's anyone else. That feeling of a living world that we get from the Harry Potter books and the better class of fanfic is missing here: the nonexistent descriptions and supporting characters who are even flatter than the main cast give the impression that all this is taking place against a cardboard backdrop with a few stick figures sketched onto it.

No kidding. Anytime I'm trying to read these cuts of HE, I can't help but picture absolutely fuck-all in my head. I see the names, but this ridiculous dialogue and generally incompetent story just makes it IMPOSSIBLE for me to picture the HP cast in this.
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:25 am (UTC)
This is yet another Psychic Serpent reference, this time to Parvati (who I think has actually been spared appearing in Hogwarts Exposed) in the third fic.

When in the fuck did Ron get lycanthropy? Fifth year!?
Jul. 25th, 2014 10:11 am (UTC)
He was bitten by Remus (!) in sixth year, IIRC.
Jul. 25th, 2014 06:03 pm (UTC)
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:28 am (UTC)
He’ll spend his entire existence searching for a girl with a figure as magnificent as his mother’s.”


I guess I can take credit for the Hermione gif, as well? XD

Edited at 2014-07-25 09:28 am (UTC)
Jul. 25th, 2014 10:11 am (UTC)
Indeed you can. And this isn't the last time I'll use it. It's very versatile.
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:34 am (UTC)
It really doesn't help a tearful panther sounds like the kind of thing you'd see in a "save the rainforest" advert.

An image of HE!Hermione would make a great poster child for a "Save Fanfiction" advert, though...
Jul. 25th, 2014 06:03 pm (UTC)
That is, if there was anything approaching a description of her that wasn't just "Hermione with huge tits."
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:37 am (UTC)
Also, I thought Timmy was saying "mummy" now - he's been living in the UK over half his life at this point.

The continued conundrum of HE's dialogue.
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:54 am (UTC)
So probably about four o'clock in the afternoon.

The continued geography fails on the part of Neil amuse me...
Jul. 25th, 2014 06:05 pm (UTC)
“Never!” Snape yelled, unnecessarily coarsely.

"Unnecessarily coarsely?" Say that three times fast...
Jul. 25th, 2014 06:08 pm (UTC)
But telepathy that can't go through glass doesn't make any sense, and seems only to exist for the sake of a contrived situation later on

No kidding. If anything, glass should make telepathic contact easier due to it being clear and far easier for radiation and the like to pass through than stone!
Jul. 25th, 2014 06:21 pm (UTC)
Amanda isn’t sure she wants to return. She’s afraid Brad will forget her by the time Christmas holiday rolls around.

So, in other words, Amanda is a complete idiot who seems to think that infants just forget their mothers on a whim?

Not to mention the fact that this REALLY won't matter until he's about two or three, anyway, seeing as infants don't really have that sort of memory retention for quite awhile!
Jul. 25th, 2014 06:22 pm (UTC)
Three extremely unwelcome guests had just Apparated into the room.

Everyone gasped!

Jun. 7th, 2016 04:41 am (UTC)
The dangers of hyperempathy
Based on Caitlin's abilities being blocked by glass.

Minister of Magic Percy Weasley strode into the golden lift at the Ministry. Beside him was the chief Unspeakable (and his wife) Penelope as well as her no. 2, an unassuming man she called Swan. "It's just down here, Minister," Swan said. "The Department of Mysteries."

"What exactly are we seeing?" Percy said, glancing at Penelope. "Ginny's already told me all about the Department-"

"She told you what she could tell you, in your former, ah, station, Percy," Penelope said calmly. "Or rather, she only told you what I told her." Percy nodded. Ginny had worked for Penelope for a time, not as an Unspeakable but as a 'secretary', so to speak. Then she had left to play professional Quidditch and then to teach at Hogwarts, both of which she enjoyed much more. "She didn't know about... this."

They arrived at the floor of the Department of Mysteries and Penelope and Swan lead him over to the entrance.

"Don't be alarmed, Percy," Penelope said as they entered a circular chamber. The doors and room suddenly spun, making Percy feel a little sick. When the doors stabilized, Penelope somehow knew which one to enter.

They went through into a room containing planets suspended in the air. Percy didn't question it. "I think someone blew up Pluto," Swan said right as Percy glanced at the missing planet. "We've never quite fixed it..."

"Hmm," Percy said, "What do you study-"

"Don't worry about that, Minister," Penelope said, and she flashed Percy one of those brilliant, toothy smiles. "This way."

She opened another door and they entered a very quiet, dark room. Swan flicked his wand and orbs of light slowly turned on, one every meter or so. It appeared to be a dark corridor lined with doors, but the doors had metal bars over them as well. "What's this?" Percy said.

Penelope looked at him. "Sometimes there are people... well, beings... who Azkaban cannot safely store without endangering other prisoners. So we store them... here," Penelope said. "The Minister needs to know about these holding cells. You need to ensure that the prisoners are kept well-fed and safe. Of course, we can't give them any means of escape, but their cells are very large. They can read what they want, so long as they can't use it to escape."

"I... see," Percy said. He looked to the end of the hall and saw something glinting in the darkness. "And what about that?" he said, pointing.

"Do you remember the Potter incident?" Swan said darkly.

How could he forget? The news reports had haunted wizarding Britain for the last five years. Four murders, with the only survivors being an infant now being raised by his godfather Ron Weasley, and a thirteen-year-old rocking back on forth, moaning, 'it's not my fault, I didn't mean it, please forgive me!'

"That's where we store Caitlin," Penelope said sadly. "Her mind... snapped. Her empath powers prevent her from receiving memory charms. She acts like an animal now in a glass cage. It's all we can use... she was too dangerous in Azkaban, especially for the guards. So now, we hold her."

"... and we study her," Swan added.

Percy nodded. He was very unnerved. And then something in the glass cage shrieked. "Don't touch me daddy! Touch Emily!" she yelled.

"Let's get out of here," Percy said, turning around and leaving.

"As you wish, sir," Swan said and the three left as unintelligible sobs and screams filled the room.

Edited at 2016-06-07 04:43 am (UTC)
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )


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