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Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 7

Hogwarts Exposed: Hooch: om nom nom
Last chapter's obligatory cliffhanger involved the arrival of three "extremely unwelcome visitors", who might have been house-elves, the Great One's geese, the Hogsmeade takeaway delivering the wrong pizza or just post owls again.

The girls all instinctively reached for their wands, but their reactions were too slow and they were hindered by their physical situations: Jamie holding Ben, and both Caitlin and Emily lying prone.
Hooch had Apparated with her wand at the ready.

"Accio nipples!"

“Accio wand! Accio wand!” She repeated rapidly, pointing her wand at Emily and Caitlin in quick succession.

Well, I was close. Ish.

Their wands flew toward her and she grabbed them deftly in her left hand as without the slightest hesitation she pointed her wand toward the apparently unarmed Jamie and cried, “Expelliarmus!”
Jamie was thrown violently backward against the wall, her head colliding with it harshly before she fell unconscious to the floor. Ben was ejected from her arms by the force of the impact and landed a few feet away, screaming.

Wouldn't he have been ejected from her arms by, you know, the Disarming Charm?

Timmy sat petrified, too terrified to even cry.

The Basilisk ate everyone. The End.

“You bitch,” Emily yelled, running toward Hooch, her fists clenched. “I’ll kill you with my bare hands, if you’ve hurt either one of them.”
“Ridiculous little girl,” Hooch snarled.

Pausing only to twirl her moustache.

“Crucio!”
Emily’s legs buckled as she fell to the floor in pain, excruciating pain the likes of which she had never experienced; her blood boiled; her bones were on fire; she screamed with agony; she wanted to die so it would end.
And then suddenly the pain was gone. She lay in the fetal position on the floor, her body covered in sweat. But she wasn’t alone. Caitlin had evidently tried to aid her by sharing the pain and now she too was reduced to a quivering pile of bones.

As Cruciatus curse descriptions go, these at least beat Hermione's Talent. Then again, so does the torture scene from legolas by laura.

“So, my sweet petite Caitlin is the healer that the prophecy refers to,” Madam Hooch said smugly, walking over to the blonde girl, “And not just an ordinary healer, but quite a bit more, a Hyperempath.

Hang on. If she didn't already know that Caitlin was the prophesied healer, or that the prophesied healer was a hyperempath, then how does she immediately come to the correct conclusion here? I'm leaving aside the fact that the girl she attacked and left for dead a few summers back just so happened to be the girl she needs for her nefarious plan, because, well, Hogwarts Exposed.

How noble and righteous you have become, wanting to share your sister’s agony. But you are no longer an orphan that must share with the other girls. You should experience the full pleasure on your own. "Crucio!”
Every part of Caitlin felt like it was being pierced again and again by red-hot daggers, but instead of sweat, blood seeped from her pores. Hooch ended the curse, but only after Caitlin had passed out.
“Interesting,” Hooch said, running a finger across Caitlin’s motionless body and studying the blood it amassed.

Ah, so apparently the sweating blood wasn't a metaphor. It's the risk of including literal physical effects in with the standard Cruciatus curse description.

“I’ve heard legends about Hyperempaths sweating blood if they were in agonizing pain, but until now I thought they were just fairy tales.”

And it's not happened with anything at all she's been through so far, including at Hooch's own hands. It doesn't help that this side-effect of hyperempathy hasn't been so much as alluded to before this scene.

“Begging your pardon Madam, but shouldn’t we be more protective of the innocents?” Goyle asked fearfully.
“I agree with Goyle,” Crabbe muttered. “The Great One will be elated that we’ve happened upon all four innocents when our mission was only to kidnap Slytherin’s heir, but she’ll have our heads if any harm befalls any of them before they can serve their purpose.”

Crabbe and Goyle, people. Talking like, well, just look at this fucking dialogue.

“How dare you impudent, good-for-nothing, ne'er-do-wells have the cheek to tell me what I shall or shall not do?” Madam Hooch bellowed.

Hooch is apparently in charge of the evil minion squad. I can't help wondering why her evil plans never involve broomsticks. Flying on them, I mean, not the agony of the stick. What's the point of using Hooch as your token evil Hogwarts teacher if the baddies don't fly anywhere?

They both cowered as she turned toward them, her wand still in hand.

She's going to eat their nipples.

“We’d never be so bold,” Goyle explained, shaking nervously. “It’s just that… Well, the Great One was very clear that no harm should come to the Weasley brat. Would not the same hold true for the other innocents as well?”
Hooch studied Goyle intently and then surveyed the room. “Perhaps I was a tad over zealous,” she reluctantly admitted, pocketing her wand. “You are right. The Great One will be extremely pleased. She was troubled as to just how we would go about seizing the other innocents while the Hogwarts’ wards protected them. It was extremely accommodating of them to come to us.”

How did they find out they'd all be in Ron's flat, anyway? I get that the Great One is Wrong. By which I mean, well, you know what I mean. She's the the Minister for Magic, and therefore probably has someone to alert her that they're back in the country, but to know they'd be in this flat now and that the wards would conveniently be down? Who's the spy?

“Will someone shut that damn baby up?” Hooch shouted. Emily had already edged over to Ben and was trying to quiet him, but to no avail.
“Jamie or Hermione generally takes care of him,” Timmy whispered timidly, as he crawled over next to Emily, clutching his crayons and colouring book possessively.

Yeah, that sounds like something a four-year-old would say.

“Our orders were also to just bring back Slytherin’s heir,” Hooch retorted. “What do you suggest we do with the other innocents? You must learn to fine-tune your orders to the situation at hand. We will soon have all four innocents in safekeeping, but it is over two weeks until the new moon and the time of their sacrifice. I, for one, do not intend to spend that time as a nursemaid to these brats. Which of you two wasters wants to take care of that insufferable infant; feed him, change his nappy?”
Both buffoons aggressively wobbled their heads to say no.

How not to sell your villains as a credible threat: refer to them as buffoons. It doesn't help that Crabbe and Goyle are strangely eloquent in this fic; if they'd been given buffoonish dialogue (like they were in Deathly Hallows) it'd at least be consistent. But this is Hogwarts Exposed, where consistency is a dirty word.

“We’ll take her back with us,” Hooch decided. “She gets to play nanny for the next two weeks as an alternative to us. When all is said and done, it will just mean disposing of one additional corpse.”
Crabbe and Goyle’s heads bobbled in agreement.

With this and their aggressive wobbling of heads, I'm picturing them as nodding dogs. I suppose it's not quite as bad as them redundantly nodding yes.

Jamie, Emily and Caitlin had all paid attention as the followers of the Great One had opening discussed their ultimate fate. They now all remained silent. Emily actually seemed to be trying to keep Timmy’s attention by drawing in his colouring book.

You can tell this is a plot point because we don't actually hop into Emily's head.

“Should we go put clothes on?” Jamie asked, most cooperatively. Her foremost reason for asking was the hope that she could get out of view long enough to draw her wand from its invisible sheath and catch Hooch unaware. She knew that if she could just incapacitate Hooch, she would be able to handle Crabbe and Goyle easily.
On the other hand she was concerned about Crabbe and Goyle. Since things had quieted down, Goyle hadn’t taken his eyes off her. She felt as if he had mentally violated her multiple times and it was only a matter of time before he got around to trying to do it physically.

I'm pretty sure Goyle can't mentally do anything.

Goyle, however, didn’t bother her nearly as much as Crabbe. Crabbe might be the dumber of the two, but he was also categorically the more lecherous. He seemed to be practically salivating as he ogled Emily and Caitlin.

Crabbe and Goyle, if you'll recall, just happen to be the paedophiles who Harry rescued Jamie from before he knew her. As contrived coincidences go, this is, well, Hogwarts Exposed.

“That would be a waste of time,” Hooch said with a chortle. “You will be transported using a Portkey similar to the one used to get hold of your dear, look-alike, professor two years ago. It’s good that you all enjoy being unclothed because that’s how you’ll be spending the remaining days of your lives.”

At least she didn't say the balance.

“That lady just said that we could stay nudie for the rest of our lives,” Timmy said elatedly to Caitlin and Emily.
“Isn’t that great,” Caitlin said giving Timmy a reassuring hug and purposely not explaining the true meaning of the ex-professor’s remark.

How does Timmy understand what Hooch just said and yet not understand that this is a scary situation? It's not just his development level that's all over the show here; it's every last thing about him. He's like what you'd get if you asked an alien with limited contact with humanity to make a simulation of a human child, without at any point studying the various stages of human development.

“But what about the baby?” Jamie asked concernedly. “I need his diaper bag and the remaining packets of breast milk.
Hooch thought for a moment before answering. “Goyle, you Apparate ahead so that you are there to meet them on their arrival. Crabbe, you and I will see them off then I’ll Apparate with the baby’s immediate needs. You will make a side trip for diapers and infant formula.”

Nappies! They're called fucking nappies, and you even got that right a few paragraphs ago! There are...

As always, thanks to Amber and Peter for their work on this story, Alison, Don, Dove, Liz and Lucy joined them on this chapter. Welcome to the team.

... SEVEN FUCKING BETAS on this chapter, and none of them know which fucking country we're meant to be in!

Crabbe gave Hooch an insolent glare, but knew better than to question her orders.

She'll eat his nipples on toast.

“Benjamin doesn’t take well to canned formula,” Jamie advised. “He prefers breast milk.”
“Well isn’t that a pity,” Hooch screeched uncaringly. “We don’t always get what we want in life, do we? I’m afraid he’ll just have to become accustomed to formula or go hungry.”

Yeah, just let the kid you're meant to be sacrificing in two weeks' time starve. That's not going to come back and bite you in the arse later.

Hooch observed the girl carefully as Jamie gathered Ben’s belongings together. “What about Timmy?” Jamie inquired. “Should I collect some of his toys?”
Hooch looked disbelievingly at Jamie. “I’m sorry if I’ve given you the wrong impression,” she bellowed. “You are not going on vacation and The Great One does not run a day care centre. Damien does, however, have a number of unique toys that I’m sure he’d be happy to demonstrate to all of you. That is enough of this pointless chatter. Goyle, go prepare for their arrival.”

Did you get that she's meant to be evil?

Hooch removed what appeared to be a deflated children’s pool float from her pocket. “Each of you grab hold of a bit of this,” she ordered.

I missed the word "float" when I first read this, so I was wondering how she got a children's pool, deflated or otherwise, into her pocket. And who gets an extra hour in the ball pit.

They all put a hand nervously on the Portkey, having no idea to where they were about to be transported. Hooch counted down from three and then they felt the, by now, all too recognizable jerk as though a hook located just behind their navels had suddenly jerked them irresistibly forward. Jamie held Benjamin tightly against her breasts as her feet left the ground; she could feel the others on either side of her, their shoulders banging into hers, Timmy yelling gleefully as Ben cried incessantly. They were all speeding forward as though stuck to the Portkey as it pulled them magically onward and then__
Seconds later, they slammed to the solid ground. Jamie struggled to maintain her footing as first Emily and then Caitlin knocked into her.
Timmy was on the ground in front of her screaming ecstatically, “Again, again, me loves Portkeys.” Ben was just screaming, obviously not sharing Timmy’s bliss.

I'm no great fan of cutesiness, which seems to be Timmy's main role in this fic, but I'd be able to stomach him a bit better if the author consistently portrayed his level of development. As it is, I'm getting that "almost human but not quite" effect, kind of like the uncanny valley of behaviour. The kids in Deserving weren't as unsettling as he is, and they do things like spontaneously becoming Animagi and dispensing relationship advice. So the kids are in the dungeon, implied to be the same one where Hermione was kept in the first fic. Wouldn't it be good if Caitlin and Hermione had a psychic link so she knew she'd be gone straight away? Instead they have to wait until the next day.

As soon as Hermione had alerted Severus, Ginny and Draco to her uneasiness, they too decided to make the trip to Sam and Ron’s apartment. The group wasted no time. As soon as Severus finished the unlocking charms on the dungeon cell, they rushed up to his office and then used the floo network to go directly to the apartment.
The ominous silence that greeted them instantly confirmed their most dire fears.

There would indeed be another Hogwarts Exposed fic.

“This doesn’t make any sense,” Snape said, his voice filled with annoyance.

It's taken you over fifty chapters to realise this?

“No one intending harm to the occupants should have been able to commit a breach of the wards that protected your home.”
Ron’s face flushed suddenly in horrified comprehension.
“Weasley?” Malfoy questioned, finding it unbelievable that anyone could have been so dim-witted.

And probably also thinking about what Ginny had told him about Ron's willy. In fact, I doubt Draco can even look at Ron without thinking of boners. I don't know which of them should be more embarrassed.

“You had Ginny remove all the charms and wards on the apartment so that your landlord could show it to a potential tenant, didn’t you? Please tell me that you didn’t neglect to restore them before allowing those children to spend the night here.”

Why did the wards need to be removed to show a new tenant around if they only stop people who intend harm?

Sam looked at Ron, her face wearing with a terrible expression. “You never told me that the wards were removed.” She looked at Hermione and Harry apologetically, shaking her head despondently. “Please believe me, I never would have suggested they stay here if I had known they were completely unprotected.”
“I had anticipated restoring the charms on our return,” Ron declared disconsolately, trying to defend himself.

"Disconsolately" actually makes sense in this context, where he's blaming himself for a group of children including his own stepson being kidnapped, but these characters are disconsolate if their tea is a degree below its ideal temperature. When they're always either okay or on the verge of a complete breakdown, there isn't the same impact when the situation is genuinely dramatic. Also, I can't not read that last line in a high RP accent that's very not Ron.

“No one is going to die,” Severus said reassuringly.

Does Snape really do "reassuring"?

“We’ll find them, all of them. I’ll owl the ministry at once.”
“You can inform those bureaucratic do nothings if you desire,” Harry shouted, “but I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit back idly and wait for them to find the kids. They were of absolutely no help when Hermione was kidnapped and I anticipate little more from them this time around.”
Draco nodded his head in accord. “I’m glad that for once we are in agreement, Potter. Under Minister Wrong’s administration the Aurors have become indolent and ineffective. They’ve made utterly no progress in the last two years toward eradicating that blot on the wizarding world known as the Great One.”

Why has nobody put two and two together and wondered whether Wrong herself had something to do with the Great One? These are supposed to be (well, Hermione and arguably Snape are supposed to be) certified geniuses. Then again, the Great One hasn't actually done a great deal considering she's meant to be a blot on the wizarding world or the next Voldemort.

“Harry, do you think it’s him? Do you think the Great One has the children?” Hermione asked trying to maintain a semblance of control over her distraught emotions.

Which is more than HE!Hermione normally does.

“Who else?” Harry answered. “The Great One wants to rule the world. He has shown himself to be ruthless, cunning and a tad psychotic. Anyone trying to resurrect the dead has to be crazy, especially when you’re talking about a wizard that was as evil and monstrous as Salazar Slytherin.”

What's Slytherin actually meant to have done that makes him so much worse than canon!Slytherin? We're being told a lot about his villainy but not shown very much if at all.

“Then you believe the kids were taken in order to fulfil the prophecy?” Ron asked.
“Why else?” Harry said. “What possible other reason could there be for kidnapping a baby, a toddler and two young girls?”

In Hogwarts Exposed, they could just be doing it for the hell of it because they're so evil, mwahahaha! *twirls moustache*

Everyone stared at Harry, but Severus was the first to offer a rationalization for his comment. “If someone is indeed going to attempt to restore to life Salazar Slytherin, they will be using some of the oldest and darkest magic known to the wizard world. Magic that is forbidden and the use of which is considered a more heinous crime than any of the forbidden curses.

And that's how Hogwarts Exposed was written.

“Such magic takes months of preparation and can only be attempted under prescribed conditions. One of those conditions is that the rebirth must coincide with the birth of the moon.”
“By birth of the moon, are you referring to a new moon?” Ginny inquired.
Severus nodded. “Since we are now experiencing the full moon, we have two weeks until the new moon, September third to be exact. That is the earliest that the Great One can attempt the restoration.”

The 3rd September 2005 did indeed have a new moon, for the record.

Sam picked up Timmy’s colouring book and after studying it a moment commented. “We can stop assuming some things,” she said. “The Great One definitely has the children and we should stop referring to her as a he.”
Everyone looked at Sam questioningly as she passed the colouring book first to Hermione and then it started making the rounds of everyone present. On the open page of the book, someone had hastily drawn a stick figure. Apparently the drawing was of a woman because a triangle representing a dress was drawn over the tops of the legs. ‘G1’ was scrawled under the drawing.

Unfortunately, it also said "trukk not munky" so all bets were off.

“It’s not a lot of information,” Draco declared, “but it’s more than the Ministry has been able to ascertain in the last two years.”

They seem to have assumed without question that the Great One was male until they found evidence to the contrary. For as progressive as most of these characters (Draco aside) claim to be, they're weirdly attached to gender roles.

“We also have a means to locate them,” Harry said.
“Harry, if you’re referring to Caitlin and my telepathic connection,” Hermione interjected. “I have to be within twenty-five miles of her for that to work.”

Which means that the Great One's hideout must be within twenty-five miles of Hogwarts, or she wouldn't have been able to transfer her injuries to Caitlin when she was kidnapped in the first fic. And this should make it easy to find them.

“That means we have to get you within that distance,” Harry declared emphatically.
“But Harry,” Ginny said, “Great Britain covers nearly 89,000 square miles and we can’t even be sure they are still on the island.”

That's the kind of random factoid Hermione is a lot more likely to know than Ginny, and surely "it's bloody big" is all we really need. And apparently the author does know which country this is supposed to be taking place in, which is good to know.

He looked questioningly at Hermione. “It will be worse than looking for that damn proverbial needle in a haystack,” he said, “and all we can do is fly escort, you’re the only one with the power to contact Caitlin.”
Not once did Hermione think about her loathing of flying. Instead a slide show of memories filled her mind. She remembered sitting across the table from an anxious looking eleven year old...

And we get a series of glurge-laden flashbacks. I'm not going to bother sporking them because I think I already have, and once was more than enough.

“Hermione,” Harry called, trying to bring her back to reality. “Are you all right?” Will you be up to that much flying?”

How long was she just sitting there staring vacantly into space, anyway?

In twenty-four hours, Jamie had gone from sleeping in a quite comfortable bed on a first class cruise ship, to sleeping on the chilly stone floor of what gave the appearance of being a dungeon torture chamber right out of the thirteen hundreds.

Maybe if she'd paid more attention in History of Magic she'd have been able to narrow it down to a specific decade.

With the possible exception of Ben, no one slept contentedly; there was a great deal of tossing and turning.

What about Timmy? Isn't he still under the impression that this is some kind of extra holiday complete with thrill-ride Portkeys and (ugh) "nudie"? Why am I still expecting consistency from this fic in general and the portrayal of the devil child in particular?

Then just when Jamie had finally drifted off to sleep, Ben awoke, hungry and demanding that his diaper be changed.

Seven betas and not a Britpicker among them.

The dungeon seemed to be modelled after those used during the time of the Spanish Inquisition.

The Spanish Inquisition apparently took place in the 1300s despite being established in 1478, which I guess is why no-one expects it.

It was damp and if not for the torches, would have been extremely dark.

As much as we're used to the image of burning torches in dungeons, they're a cinematic convention that exist only to justify the scene being brightly lit enough to film. Unless they're some kind of magical thing, they're going to exhaust the oxygen in the air pretty quickly. (The End.)

Fortunately it did not seem to be vermin infested or extremely bad smelling as dungeons of that era often were; at least Jamie had not thus far observed any rats or cockroaches. She trusted that their meals would also be more than the mouldy bread and stale water normally served to prisoners of that time.

That Q.W.L. in History of Magic was good for something after all.

“Wake up!” Madam Hooch screamed as she entered the chamber, Crabbe and Goyle on her heels. Hooch tossed a bag in Jamie’s direction. “Crabbe purchased formula and baby bottles.”
“You get two meals a day,” she shouted as the kids yawned and stretched. “This isn’t Hogwarts, eat what you’re served without complaint or starve. It’s your choice.” She waved her wand and four plates and tumblers appeared on the floor.
“Where do we sit to eat?” Timmy asked innocently.
“On your arse,” Goyle replied crudely.

Well, ask a silly question.

“Somehow I don’t think losing the weight I gained on the cruise is going to be a problem,” Emily said, looking nauseated at her plate.
“That’s an understatement,” Caitlin said, taking a tiny bite from her cold rubbery sausage.
“I don’t like this,” Timmy said pushing his plate away. “I want to go home. I want my Mummy.” The toddler started crying.
Jamie got to her feet and picked up the little boy, hugging him to her chest as she stroked his back. “Timmy, we all want to go home,” she said, searching for words that he would understand to describe their situation.

Which shouldn't be hard considering how much he does understand, at least when the author wants him to.

“These are bad people. They’ve hidden us away from the ones we love. I’m sure that right now your Mummy and Daddy are looking for us along with Harry and Hermione. It’s just a matter of time until they find us,” she said, trying to sound as convincing as possible. “When they do, these terrible people will be punished. But until they get here we have to all be very good and do everything we are told to or they will hurt us. Do you remember what the evil woman did to Emily and Caitlin last night?”
Timmy nodded his head timidly.

If he realised what was going on there, why the hell did he seem to care more about how wonderful it is to travel by naked Portkey?

“Then you have to be big brave boy. In order to do that you have to be strong, and in order to be strong you must eat. They want us all to become weak; that’s why they gave us such horrible food. They think we won’t eat it. We’ll show them, won’t we? We’ll be big and strong and make your Mummy and Daddy proud of us.”
Timmy nodded his head. “Timmy be big and brave like Daddy.”

You know, I think he might be my least favourite character in Hogwarts Exposed. And believe me, that's really saying something.

As Timmy and Jamie started nibbling at the bland food, Ben began to stir. Jamie looked worriedly in his direction. This feeding would finish the last of Hermione’s breast milk. What would Jamie do if Ben refused to drink the Muggle formula?

Why are they using Muggle formula rather than an equivalent wizarding product? Especially as I think their captors are supposed to be blood supremacists?

“Timmy, please stay away from those devices,” Jamie implored. “Some of them are sharp and look exceedingly dangerous.”
“But I’m bored,” Timmy complained. “There’s nothing to do here.”
“He’s just being inquisitive,” said the voice of a man who had one way or another, entered the chamber without Jamie’s knowledge.

He noclipped.

He stared admiringly at Jamie for a few moments and than said, shaking his head, “The resemblance is uncanny. They told me you looked like her, but …”

Jamie's resemblance to HE!Hermione (as opposed to canon!Hermione) hasn't been brought up for a while.

Jamie shivered as the man stepped before her. Her heartbeat increased and her body became hot and clammy as she felt him violate her with his eyes. He moved closer and she shivered as he stepped into the light before her. His face was sallow and covered in acne. His eyes were gray, but the parts that should be white were a very sickly looking yellow. Involuntarily, she shuddered as he stared at her silently. He took a few steps forward and was now so close that she could feel his breath on her neck. She cringed, but held her ground; determined to not show fear. Besides, where did she have to run?
“My name is Damien,” he said, as if this should have some meaning to Jamie.

She should remember him from the wedding, where he was present as the Minister for Magic's aide and danced with an unwitting Hermione. That idea would actually have been quite genuinely unsettling in the hands of a more competent writer; it'd fit quite nicely with the darker elements of something like Paradigm of Uncertainty, for example. And if they remember Damien, it should occur to some of these characters (all supposed to be super-geniuses, remember) who the Great One really is.

He reached out his hand and caressed Jamie’s cheek with his short rough fingers; slowly he moved them to touch her lips, before descending down her neck to her ample chest. Jamie closed her eyes and bit her lip as his fingers played briefly with her nipple.

Better be careful. Hooch won't like him playing with her dinner.

Then without warning, he grabbed her between the legs and prodded her roughly with his fingers. Jamie jerked in response, tears coming to her eyes, but she made no effort to stop his invasion. Damien moved away from her, a look of disappointment on his face.

It makes what Jim the pervert did in the last chapter seem even worse by retrospect, when the character who's supposed to be the embodiment of evil from the prophecy (we've not been told this yet, but his behaviour and the fact that he's named after the Antichrist from The Omen should make it obvious) does exactly the same thing with exactly the same lack of consent.

Timmy nodded his head, eager for anything to do, and motioned for Emily and Caitlin to join him. Jamie just watched anxiously. Clearly this was where Hermione had been held captive when she was kidnapped two years ago. The memories of that time span still eluded Hermione. Could Damien have been her jailer? Was he the one that smashed the bones in her fingers? What else had he done? Had he possibly raped her?

Surely if he had then Caitlin would have picked it up, like she did with all her other injuries.

Damien seemed to be enjoying giving the tour; it was as if he were sharing the results of a wonderful hobby.

I guess in another life he'd just have become a tour guide at the Dungeons.

Emily and Caitlin walked apprehensively with Damien as he pointed out and explained the various implements to Timmy. Fortunately, Timmy was too young to appreciate most of Damien’s enlightenment, but from the horrified looks on Caitlin and Emily’s faces, they had understood his explanations, all too well.

Timmy is too young to understand, except when he's not.

“Step closer to me,” he said to Caitlin. “I want to show you how this works. I won’t hurt you, at least not at the moment.”
He picked up an iron four-pronged implement. “This is called a Breast Ripper,” he said, pressing the instrument firmly against Caitlin’s chest. “It was often used on women convicted of heresy or adultery. Depending on the mood of the torturer, the device would either be frozen or heated to increase the pain.”

Making a return appearance from the torture scene in the first fic. I'm not surprised it's one of the author's favourite torture devices, because he's done a very good job of documenting his fixation with that part of the body. And this is about the only time I'll ever say he's done a very good job with anything.

Damien snickered as he removed the tool from Caitlin’s breast. “It works better on something a bit larger.

I'm not sure that a worse time for a "Caitlin has small tits lel" moment could ever exist.

He returned the apparatus to the shelf and was about to pick up the thumbscrews when Timmy yelled, “What is that fancy looking thing?”
Damien patted the boy on the back. “That is one of my favourites,” he said smiling wickedly at Timmy. “That is called a Pear.”
“Like the fruit?” Timmy asked innocently.

You can't fool me: Timmy is no innocent. It's just occurred to me that he's supposed to be the Heir of Slytherin, and he is indeed as unsettling as the previous Heir of Slytherin was as a child. I just don't think it was intentional.

“Yes,” Damien said, again patting Timmy on the back.
Jamie listened nervously to Damien chatting to Timmy and the girls as she fed Ben. At least Ben was drinking his bottle.
“How does it work?” Timmy asked excitedly.
“It is forced into the mouth, rectum or vagina of the victim and there expanded by force of the screw to the maximum aperture of the segments,” Damien answered. “The inside of the cavity in question is irremediably mutilated, nearly always fatally so.

If it's not fatal and not a magical injury, surely it's not irremediable.

The pointed prongs at the end of the segments serve better to rip into the throat, the intestines or the cervix.”
Timmy looked at him uncertainly, not quite understanding, but beginning to realise that these were not pleasant devices.

I don't think a kid who hasn't started school yet knows that much anatomy, really, but probably would grasp the concept of "sharp metal thing = ouch". Speaking of school, he's four so should be starting primary school this September: what are they doing about that? It's not been mentioned.

“How would you like that thrust into your little twat?” Damien asked Emily, maliciously.
“I’d much prefer to see it shoved up your scrawny arse,” Emily retorted.

Such wit. Very banter. Wow.

“Go fuck yourself!” Emily shouted, as she attempted to drive her knee in between Damien’s legs. She missed her target and Damien sent her sailing across the room where she landed near an eight-foot tall pyramid shaped object.

Hang on, I thought Hermione had bitten his "target" off. Then again, this fic is rather inconsistent (shocking, right?) when it comes to the scope of healing magic, so for all we know he grew it back.

“But sir! What is the Pyramid of Death?” Timmy questioned.
“I like you, little one,” Damien said, sounding sincere. “It is a misfortune you must die so young.”

I don't think Slytherin is going to be particularly amused that they've gone and killed his heir, really.

He pointed to the tall pyramid in the middle of the room. “That is the Pyramid of Death. It is my own creation, bringing together the virtues of the Judas Cradle and Impalement.”
Timmy, Emily and Caitlin all stared at the pyramid uncertainly, waiting for a further explanation.
“With the Judas Cradle, the victim was hung in the air by various ropes and dropped onto a point, thus completely destroying the genital area,” Damien explained. “Impalement was the process of inserting a steak or post through the entire body of the victim, starting at the seat of the body and exiting through the mouth or throat.”

Those cuts of meat can be pretty deadly. Just ask Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.

Damien beamed in delight as he gave details on his creation. “The point and edges of the Pyramid of Death are razor sharp. The victim is tied and hung in the air over the pyramid in such a way that the arms and legs are in the air and the anus is barely touching the point. When the rope is released, theoretically the weight of the body will cause it to be cut in four pieces with the point of the pyramid coming out through the center of the scull.”
Caitlin threw up as she visualized such an atrocity.

That idea looks less like the Ultimate Evil™ and more like the kind of cartoonish slapstick gore you'd find in something like Happy Tree Friends. I just can't take it seriously. Especially as I'm not convinced about the mechanics, unless you dropped the unfortunate victim from quite a height. Also, if Caitlin is throwing up now then I feel sorry for whoever's on the broom behind Hermione.

“Jamie, what are we going to do?” Caitlin asked, their situation seeming hopeless.
“I don’t know,” Jamie sobbed as Ben sucked frantically on her nipple, trying to get nonexistent nourishment.

He's beaten Hooch to it.

“Jamie, are we all going to die? Timmy asked between his sobs.

I had to do a bit of research here on children's understanding of death, which I think is more than the author did, and I'm not convinced that a four-year-old would necessarily have the abstract reasoning capacity to be able to make the jump to "we're all going to die" even in a situation like this. Also, it's rare for kids that age to recognise that death is permanent, or that it happens to everyone, or to be afraid of their own death. So now you know.

Comments

( 31 comments — Leave a comment )
fly_buggy_fly
Jul. 20th, 2014 06:36 pm (UTC)
Timmy is indeed a VERY badly written four-year-old and I know from four-year-olds (I work with them).

I think one of the things that's bothering me most is the continued use of the word "toddler" in reference to him. By the time a child is over two/two and a half, they are generally no longer considered a toddler.

Unfortunately, it also said "trukk not munky" so all bets were off.

It's best when the munky is ALSO a trukk.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 20th, 2014 07:07 pm (UTC)
I mostly worked with KS2, which is ages 7-11 in the English system, so I wouldn't call myself an expert - I had very strong suspicions, though, that this was like no four-year-old in the world. And yes, a child who's a month away from starting school is no longer a toddler to my mind.
katistrophe
Jul. 23rd, 2014 01:21 pm (UTC)
“I’ve heard legends about Hyperempaths sweating blood if they were in agonizing pain, but until now I thought they were just fairy tales.”
...what? Was that ever brought up? What's the point of that? Oh gods, please, don't let it be because Neil is into that stuff...

Both buffoons aggressively wobbled their heads to say no.
Wobbled. I can't help but imagine them as two life-sized bobblehead figures now.

“But sir! What is the Pyramid of Death?” Timmy questioned.
JESUS FUCK THAT CHILD IS CREEPY. KILL IT WITH FIRE. THEN KILL THE ASHES WITH FIRE JUST TO BE SURE.

...mmm, steaks.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:41 pm (UTC)
“Accio wand! Accio wand!” She repeated rapidly, pointing her wand at Emily and Caitlin in quick succession.

So she suddenly starts using the Summoning Charm to disarm and then uses the Disarming Charm to blast Jamie against the wall?

What in the-!?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 26th, 2014 10:20 am (UTC)
It's like he's not got the faintest clue how Harry Potter magic works after writing hundreds of thousands of words of ostensibly Harry Potter fanfic. I'm not sure fails get much more epic than that.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:43 pm (UTC)
I'm leaving aside the fact that the girl she attacked and left for dead a few summers back just so happened to be the girl she needs for her nefarious plan, because, well, Hogwarts Exposed.

Imagine if Hooch's attempt to murder her actually succeeded, so she unknowingly foiled her boss' plans before they could even start. XD
szaleniec1000
Jul. 26th, 2014 10:29 am (UTC)
Picture the scene, if you will :
WRONG: We still need the Healer. Girl about so high, non-canon superpowers...
HOOCH: Like the one I killed?
WRONG: Exactly like the one you killed.
HOOCH: So we need a girl about so high with non-canon superpowers like the one I killed.
WRONG: Yes!
HOOCH: ... I killed her.
WRONG: *facepalm*
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:45 pm (UTC)
And it's not happened with anything at all she's been through so far, including at Hooch's own hands. It doesn't help that this side-effect of hyperempathy hasn't been so much as alluded to before this scene.

You'd think that Caitlin would have sweat at least a LITTLE blood while sharing Hermione's pain back in Exposed. Might have even been a clever little foreshadowing device!
szaleniec1000
Jul. 26th, 2014 10:41 am (UTC)
I somehow doubt he'd come up with the idea then. And I'm not sure it'll ever become relevant again.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:47 pm (UTC)
“I agree with Goyle,” Crabbe muttered. “The Great One will be elated that we’ve happened upon all four innocents when our mission was only to kidnap Slytherin’s heir, but she’ll have our heads if any harm befalls any of them before they can serve their purpose.”

HOW IN THE FUCK DOES THIS SOUND ANYTHING LIKE FUCKING CRABBE AND GOYLE!? EXPLAIN, HOGWARTS EXPOSED FANS, EXPLAAAAAAAIN!!!!
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:50 pm (UTC)
Which of you two wasters wants to take care of that insufferable infant; feed him, change his nappy?”

Seems like Neil finally figured out that diapers aren't called diapers in the UK...
szaleniec1000
Jul. 26th, 2014 11:06 am (UTC)
I think you spoke too soon!
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:51 pm (UTC)
With this and their aggressive wobbling of heads, I'm picturing them as nodding dogs. I suppose it's not quite as bad as them redundantly nodding yes.

And it actually fits their canon characterization pretty well, too. Except they still talk like fucking Hermione in this fic!
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:53 pm (UTC)
I'm pretty sure Goyle can't mentally do anything.

I guess we just missed the parts in canon where Goyle was an adept Legilimens and Neil picked up on them.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 25th, 2014 09:57 pm (UTC)
Nappies! They're called fucking nappies, and you even got that right a few paragraphs ago! There are...



Not to mention, why in the fuck is Hooch deciding to do this in the first place!? Are we supposed to just suddenly believe that this psychotic lesbian pedophile has motherly instincts!?
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 25th, 2014 10:00 pm (UTC)
Jamie held Benjamin tightly against her breasts as her feet left the ground;

Lemme guess: Jamie will find Ben feeding from her afterward?
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 25th, 2014 10:06 pm (UTC)
They were of absolutely no help when Hermione was kidnapped and I anticipate little more from them this time around.”

"I mean, the Minister gave me a REALLY bad vibe and I couldn't help but think she had something to do with the kidnapping last time! SURELY THEY CAN'T BE CONNECTED!"

HE!Harry is simultaneously smarter than Hermione and a complete halfwit all at once.
szaleniec1000
Jul. 26th, 2014 11:09 am (UTC)
Good catch there! I'd forgotten that she was the only suspect last time. Mystery writing: how not to do it.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 25th, 2014 10:07 pm (UTC)
In Hogwarts Exposed, they could just be doing it for the hell of it because they're so evil, mwahahaha! *twirls moustache*

Either that or rape because nudity is totally nonsexual.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 25th, 2014 10:10 pm (UTC)
Seven betas and not a Britpicker among them.

I bet the original one hanged himself after seeing the sheer number of errors in this fanfic...
szaleniec1000
Jul. 26th, 2014 11:10 am (UTC)
That would explain why he's only credited with the very first chapter.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 25th, 2014 10:13 pm (UTC)
Timmy nodded his head. “Timmy be big and brave like Daddy.”

...shut the fuck up.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 26th, 2014 05:27 am (UTC)
Jamie's resemblance to HE!Hermione (as opposed to canon!Hermione) hasn't been brought up for a while.

They're just two stick figures with comically-oversized boobs, anyway. Not much to compare to Emma Watson...
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 26th, 2014 05:29 am (UTC)
She should remember him from the wedding, where he was present as the Minister for Magic's aide and danced with an unwitting Hermione. That idea would actually have been quite genuinely unsettling in the hands of a more competent writer; it'd fit quite nicely with the darker elements of something like Paradigm of Uncertainty, for example. And if they remember Damien, it should occur to some of these characters (all supposed to be super-geniuses, remember) who the Great One really is.

Especially because the idiot went and called Wrong "Great One" at the damned wedding in the first place! Sure, no one was around, but the possibility that someone could have been makes it all the more idiotic.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 26th, 2014 05:31 am (UTC)
Clearly this was where Hermione had been held captive when she was kidnapped two years ago. The memories of that time span still eluded Hermione. Could Damien have been her jailer? Was he the one that smashed the bones in her fingers? What else had he done? Had he possibly raped her?

Is it me, or does this passage read more like a sudden POV-jump to Hermione instead of reading like Caitlin's speculations? Surprised you didn't note it, mate.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 26th, 2014 05:33 am (UTC)
Making a return appearance from the torture scene in the first fic.

And nonetheless irrelevant and utterly pointless from then as well, considering that the Cruciatus Curse inflicts far more considerable pain from Muggle implements.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 26th, 2014 05:34 am (UTC)
It's just occurred to me that he's supposed to be the Heir of Slytherin, and he is indeed as unsettling as the previous Heir of Slytherin was as a child. I just don't think it was intentional.

Seeing as it was established in canon that the Malfoys aren't related to Slytherin...does that mean SAM is descended from Salazar Slytherin!?
szaleniec1000
Jul. 26th, 2014 11:29 am (UTC)
Merope Gaunt had a sister who moved to America. I kid you not. It's in Too Exposed - I'd find a chapter reference but I'm on my phone.
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 26th, 2014 05:36 am (UTC)
I don't think Slytherin is going to be particularly amused that they've gone and killed his heir, really.

Doesn't Slytherin murder Wrong and her followers after he's resurrected?
Jeremiah Smith
Jul. 26th, 2014 05:37 am (UTC)
“I don’t know,” Jamie sobbed as Ben sucked frantically on her nipple, trying to get nonexistent nourishment.

ARGH! GODDAMNIT, I WASN'T SERIOUS!
raxistaicho
Jul. 27th, 2014 03:15 pm (UTC)
Damien really is a disgusting person, but then so is Neil :/

I'd like to see Neil sent to Brennenburg Castle so he can see how serious a matter old torture methods were.

Edited at 2014-07-27 03:16 pm (UTC)
( 31 comments — Leave a comment )

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