Red Pen Reviews (szaleniec1000) wrote,
Red Pen Reviews
szaleniec1000

Deserving Chapter 39

And here's 39, as promised. Complete with more buggery.

Pop, pop, pop sounded off the three house elves that popped into Harry’s guest room to find Dennis in a fetus position on the bed.

I'm not sure comedy sound effects really belong in a scene where a guy is semi-catatonic with heartbreak, but I might just be picky. Also, redundancy.

The little wizard definitely needed help. One of the elves popped out of the room and soon came back with Neville.


What noise do house-elves make when they kind-of Apparate? I think I missed that bit.

“No!” reacted Dennis spinning his head up again. “Harry would never hurt me. He…” but he didn’t find words to fill in the blank. “He doesn’t love me,” he whispered.
“I don’t think he is capable of loving anyone,” chastised Neville.


Wow. Neville, you colossal douche.

Dennis sat up to be at eye level with Neville. “That’s not true. He loves the Professor.”
“He told you that,” asked a skeptical Longbottom.
“Well not exactly but you’ve got to understand Harry… well… Harry…”
“Harry does not love the professor. He might need him. He might be used to him. He might even be in love with the whole family idea but he does not love Severus,” assured Neville.


Okay, on a reread I confirmed that Neville doesn't know about the soulmate shite, at least not officially. This still doesn't excuse him from acting like the world authority on Harry's mind when those two haven't properly bonded all fic.

“I don’t think your being fair with your assessment. I myself have witness Harry’s eyes stray when you are in the room.”
Dennis shook his head. “Physical attraction, nothing deep, I am sick of it. Men are always attracted by my looks never by whom I am.”


WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!

“Well, actually I can see you as a kid. The DA was made up of kids. And we did a great job, if I must say so myself.”
Dennis saw Neville’s reasoning but… had Neville really not seen him as the attractive bloke that everyone sees?


I have no doubt that he will.

“Are you alright?” asked Neville seeing Dennis’ unreadable face.
“Yeah, just my bruised ego.”


Well, that was a remarkable recovery.

Neville ruffled his hair. “Come on, you’re better than that, don’t give Harry the power to hurt you.”


Okay, who set up this whole bullshit bed-hopping situation? Because it sure as hell wasn't Harry.

Harry lied on Severus chest as his hair was being stroked by the Potions Master.


And this is a textbook example of why epithet abuse is bad writing, because it reads as though there are three characters in this sentence. The passive voice doesn't help.

“We can easily keep our union a secret, this way they cannot take you away,” was Severus’ suggestion.


The way this is written makes it sound like reported rather than direct speech. Three guesses as to how this could have been avoided.

Severus looked around one last time then nodded his consent but as Harry was going to take him in his arms they saw the floo stir and out came a flock of wizards and witches.


How exactly did they all find out at once?

Harry could see Kingsley, Ron and Eric from the Auror department. He also saw Minerva and Poppy followed by Hermione and Madam Sprout who was the first one to speak.
“Severus, what is the meaning of this? I have always regarded you as a man of your word,” she charged like a raging bull.
“My husband has not gone back on his word.”
“Your ex-husband,” squealed Minerva.


Minerva doesn't "squeal", but that's the least of her OOC in this fic.

“Oh, I am sorry headmistress; I forgot to send you an invitation. Severus and I went to a muggle court this morning and got married. A marriage that the Magical Ministry cannot dissolve,” replied a very smug Harry.


A scene we didn't actually see. The fic's main couple get remarried and we didn't actually see it happen. Still: yay, I guess. One up on the OOC!coven is fine by me.

“Severus! What is the meaning of this? You gave your word.”
“And he kept it. You asked that he divorce me and he did. To the best of our knowledge there was no stipulation on how long this divorce had to last.”


In fact, one up on the OOC!coven with this much flair is cause for a CWID.

“Harry the potion is not an illegal one,” stated Hermione.
Severus processed the information much quicker than Harry did.
“It is the ingrediants not the potion,” Severus thought out loud.
“What?” asked a very confused Harry.
“You tricked me!” charged a very angry Potions Master, glaring at the ladies who had been his co-workers for over twenty years.


Fuckers got served!

“You are nothing but meddling witches. How dare you presume to know what is best for me? I would think that my four decades of existence would qualify me as an adult. Someone capable of looking out for himself,” charged an angry Severus that had somehow manage to move in front of his husband and so close to the witches that they could smell the mint tea in his breath.
Harry had forgotten how intimidating Snape could be. He almost felt sorry for the witches. Almost.
“Husband,” he said commanding Severus’ attention, “It’s alright, they weren’t able to separate us and now that we know better; they never will,” said Harry looking into Severus’ eyes.


I almost don't mind the POV!fail, either.

“Unless you manage your goal and kill Severus. That should do the trick,” spouted Madam Sprout.


I can't take "spouted" as a dialogue tag seriously. Especially from a character called Sprout.

“I cannot believe you did that to them. You could have destroyed not only their lives but the lives of Neville and Dennis,” charged Hermione.


Go Hermione!

“We did it to save Severus,” protested Poppy.
“Can’t you see? He doesn’t want to be saved. He needs Harry as much as Harry needs him,” she continued her protest.
“You are young and enchanted by the fact that they are soul mates,” retorted Madam Sprout.
Hermione was stunned by her words and Ron closed his eyes in dread. That was the last thing he wanted Hermione to hear.


Hermione the dizzy romantic. I think not.

Ron took her in his arms and gave her a tender kiss. “Don’t you see, love. I wouldn’t change what we have for the entire destiny, soul mate, bounds crap in the world. We love each other. Not because fate or destiny say we should but because we want to be together. Because for some unknown reasoned the Smartest Witch of our times decided that she was going to spend the rest of her life with a dense bloke like me. If it were destiny you would have an excuse to have picked so poorly but you don’t have that excuse. You picked me out of you own will and as much as I turn that over and over in my head, it makes no sense. So you see, love, you have no rational reason to be with me other than you truly love me,” he said with a sheepish smile.
Hermione let her head fall on to her tall husband’s chest. “That must be the most romantic thing you have ever said to me. Not too shabby for a self professed dense bloke,” she said with a little chuckle.


That's more like it. :)

“Dada! Papa! Your back. Where were you?” asked Richard as he propelled himself into Severus’ arms. “I missed you.”
“Did you miss me too?” ask Harry messing up his son’s hair.
“Dada!” protested Richard. “I said Dada AND Papa,” he said rolling his eyes to show his lack of tolerant.


I'm still not sure about this kid's level of development. Anyway, they get him out of the way and into the inevitable:

“But Sir, May I remind you that it was on the night of our wedding that you began to treat me…” he looked around for the right words that seem to be eluding him.
“With less brutality,” offered Harry. Severus could not argue the statement. “What did I do? Take half a pill and allow you some lube that you had to apply yourself.”


Not just any lube, but epic magical überlube.

Harry pushed his body closer to Severus. “Can you feel my desire now?” Severus felt the bulge boring into his right thigh.


One dose of magical Viagra and suddenly he's got a drill in his pants.

Severus responded by letting Harry feel his own desire.

It's kind of like she can't decide whether to write this or this, so has him fumbling around for the shaft... of his desire, or whatever.

“You always taste so sweet. How do you do it?” he said with hooded eyes as he rubbed his nose against Severus’ cheek.
Severus felt guilt start creeping up on him again. Harry did not know that they were soul mates and Severus had never confessed the fact. How would Harry react to this information? He did not love Severus and he never would. How would he feel if he knew that the ugly git in his arms was his soul mate?
“Sir, I have something I must tell you.”
“Is this the part where you tell me we are soul mates?”
Severus stepped back in shock. “You knew?”


He knew?

“Why do you think I didn’t give you back your magic? I knew I had done wrong and I thought you wanted no part of me. If I would have given you back your magic our magic would have bonded and it would have been extremely hard to be separated. Not that it wasn’t.”

Why, given how wanton the author is with POV, are we only just finding this out?

Severus nodded his understanding and went to the chair by the fire and placed one foot on the seat so he could better access his rectum. He made sure Harry got a good view.


Goatse flashbacks. Thank you very much, author. D:

“Please husband, don’t make me wait any longer,” pleaded Harry feeling his manhood leak with desire.

That reminds me. Deserving is long overdue another weepingcock post, because the last one only goes up to Chapter 12.

Harry took one in his mouth and Severus all rational thought flee from his body.

Like anyone in this fic has any rational thought.

The sensation was incredible. Harry licked, nibble and suckle on his nipple making Severus lose control of his vocal cords that began to mew and hiss.


"IM IN UR FANFIC, BUGRIN UR POSHUNZ MASTA"?

“Sir!” shrieked the stoic Professor.

Doesn't sound very stoic to me.

“Sir! Sir! Sir!” chanted Snape as he pounded the mattress with his fist


It's buggery, not a football match.

trying desperately to gain some kind of control but it was in vain before he can even think of a way to stop his impending orgasms it hit him like a derailed train.

Or, to put it another way, a train wreck.

Harry found his mouth flooded with his husband’s juices; juices that tasted like pure nectar to him.


Most unfortunately, I think we'd established that.

He raised his head to look at Snape’s debouched face


His face "emerge[d] from a confined space into a wide, open area"? (Paperback Oxford English Dictionary, 2006 edition.)

Severus turned wanting to please that man who had just made him feel things he never thought a person like him could ever feel. He got on all fours then lowered his head and brought his hands to his butt cheeks spreading them for his husband.
“Oh, Snape, you are killing me here,” but to Severus satisfaction, Harry took the invitation and lined up behind Severus and began to enter slowly. It was too slow for Severus.
“Sir, may I remind you that I am prepared for you. There is no need to go gently.” He was shocked when he felt the palm of Harry’s hand smack against his butt cheek. “I decide how fast or slow we go.”


I'm still not convinced that the term "butt-cheek" belongs in either Harry's or Severus' internal monologue. I don't think I ever will be.

He wished he could have planted the seed that would give them their second child but he knew that without a potion that would not be possible.

Well, lucky you've got a Potions Master there then.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Tags: americanisms in the potterverse, bad sex, badfic:deserving, brain bleach, convention of the psychics, credit where it's due, dada, department of redundancy department, eau de badfic, epic fail, epithet overload, goatse, harry potter, how is babby formed, ivory seed, lube, mary sue and gary stu, minerva is ooc, passive voice, pop goes the house-elf, pov!fail, priorities be damned, rectuuum!, said bookism, too much information, train wreck, viagra, why can't i just be normal, with friends like these, wrong word dammit, you fail paediatrics forever
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